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Hi Rivka, welcome.

This is a great place, with plenty of resources and awesome people like you and me, that are also moving through this... Congratulations on becoming aware, and staying clean (I'm 4yrs 4 months clean myself). Can i suggest that you read everything you can. It's helped me not be surprised by things and have more control over my healing journey. Good luck.

Cheers from Australia... 

Hey Sceal, that sounds like huge progress. I want to thank you for your support recently and share one of my tools. I call it a "Win Journal". I write every little success or step of progress, no matter how small it may seem. I'd put that in my Win Journal if it were me. Congratulations... Cheers

Please be gentle with yourself DecimalRocket. 

Hi Cookido, that sounds wonderful. Well done. It was a huge step forward for me in my recovery work. That's such a powerful skill once we have it. Again, well done. 

Hi all,

My cPTSD was initially identified by my GP. I was describing symptoms to him one day just over 3 years ago. He responded that he'd only ever had one patient describe what I was experiencing, and that patient had temporal lobe epilepsy, but without the emotional precursors. This led to a series of tests and referral to my current psychiatrist who confirmed cPTSD.

These symptoms include my diminished verbal capacities when triggered. I'm usually quite eloquent but my language skills go right out the window when in emotional flashback. The speech centre of the brain is in the temporal lobe (the speaking part, not speech recognition) . I also have multiple different taste sensations, and occasionally difficulty recognising faces. All related to temporal lobe damage.

I've had to deal with depersonalising (verydisturbing) and serious dissociation. I have one 'persona' that frequently takes over when I experience significant interpersonal anxiety. It takes over before I can even feel the fear/terror. I am completely aware of this happening now, but have no conscious control and can't stop it from happening.

My most disturbing and persistent hidden symptom is tactile hallucinations. Mostly in my mouth. When triggered, or when the 'persona' takes over, I get these strange sensations in my mouth and neck. It feels like having lots of local anaesthetic in my mouth but it's vibrating like chewing on an active vibrator. Then I get lots of undulations under my tongue and like someone has taken control of my jaw and is moving it. Sometimes it feels like my essence is being sucked out of me through my mouth.

There's plenty of others symptoms but they are 'normal' cPTSD attributes.. Cheers

Hi Boatsetsailrose,
I'm not sure if my experience can help you, but I'll share what I've learned.

I worked hard to change my relationship with my inner parts. My critic is trying desperately to protect me from humiliation and shaming, so I spend time with him and listen to him compassionately. Sometimes he gets obsessive, so i use a mental image of a merry-go-round. Much like the defusion techniques of visualising thoughts passing by as leaves on a stream or clouds in the sky from ACT(Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) . I just watch them pass, or hear the critics voice and internally nod, as if I was listening to my mother on the phone, but taking no notice to what she says.

However, when my critic has gotten into the ear of my inner OCD Self, i imagine the merry-go-round, and acknowledge that the thoughts/words are going to go around and come back, so i can watch and wave as they pass. Its a start. Then i use heaps of gutsy 2nd person self talk. I don't try to counter the critic, but imagine I am speaking to my best friend, who only has me for support. "I know it's tough with that stuff going on inside, but you're going to g3t through. I know it's not true, so do you. But even if it was, you're still a beautiful and lovable man... Etc" I've been working on sets of phrases for a couple of years now, ones that feel natural for me, and i now mostly know what I need for any given situation.

My critic is still there, but I've learned that he's more active when I'm anxious or holding in some unresolved feeling that have been recently triggered. Sometimes he's really mega triggered, or I'm in a vulnerable state, and I have to just practice my mindfulness and observe him from a distance. When I am safe, I sometimes anger it out and grieve. I don't get angry at myself or the inner critic. I actively get angry at the people and circumstances that made him necessary for my survival. It counters the shame and can even quiet him. But I need to be in a safe space for this one because I'll usually end up a blubbering mess of tears and mucus and soggy tissues... Hehehehehehehe...

The key for me has been radical self-acceptance, vigorous self-compassion, and developing relationships with all my inner bits: my depression, OCD, the critic, my inner psycho, etc.... They aren't me any more. They are parts of me that I spend time with and have compassion for. Every part of my inner world came from trying desperately to protect the little boy I was, who is still inside me too.

None of this is easy. However, my inner life is 'mostly' manageable today. Even when not, I still treat my selves with ruthless self-compassion, and so my unmanageability is managable.... And I'm still very much a work in progress.

Try a Google search for "cognitive defusion techniques" and experiment. I've found that making it fun has a huge impact. The whole exercise, in fact all of the stuff I've learnt and created for myself for my recovery, has proved to me (and the critic, 'mostly'), that I'm not stupid, such that I've now gone back to university at age 50.... However, I've also learned that if I can't manage it, it has to go. At least until I've built better skills.

I hope that can help you.
Cheers

Hi Suzanne. I use my car. I call it "my little green recovery machine". I've found a few reasonably private car parks (or just nice quiet spots under some trees by the road side), and use them when I need to bawl, sob, rant, shout and occasionally scream my grief out. Large sports stadiums and convention centres that aren't being used that day are also useful carparks. It's been a godsend for me because it's so hard to get enough privacy to make the noise that my grief needs. Usually I only need 30 to 60 min to get the heavy stuff done. Depending on whats coming up. My minds been protective. Nothing comes if i don't feel safe, and it all shuts down when someone pulls up. If none of these are available, then sobbing while driving works too. Though not ideal, I've used a highway and loud music a few times. Just 20-30 min and NOT in peak hour, can work for me. I think my car has saved my sanity the past 4 years of my active recovery.  Good luck. 

Thank you all.

I was am really sad to read of PG's passing. I found his info incredibly well conceived and structured. It helped me heaps early in my recovery process. It validated my lived experience before I found Pete Walkers work. I'm in regional Australia, and was pretty dependant on online info to begin with.  I didn't even know he was unwell. I'm incredibly grateful for his work.

Mmmmmm Thanks Three Roses  , that hit the spot alright.   

Great link thanks Three Roses.

Hey yes macandrui, I have been using it for over a year now and it still works wonderfully to bring me back to my breath. I occasionally change the frequency to get me out of starting to habitually ignore it. Also its a great way to introduce mindfulness to others.
Another good app is 'headspace'. It hs a subscription service, but i just keep using the free first 10. It is spoken, but short and effective.

Thanks for the suggestion Three Roses, i will give them a go in my little green recovery machine (my car LOL). Ta M

Hi guys. I just found this thread and Thank you to all who worked on it. 
I have it bookmarked, a link on my tablets desktop/home screen, and will collate and get a booklet printed up to carry around. Thanks for putting this all in one spot.

Best regards from Oz. M

Hi everyone. It has been great reading posts from others who are in a similar boat... i can feen pretty isolated at times. Anyway, i wanted to start a thread about music,  because i have used it very effectively in my recovery journey.

The best for me has been "Meteora (Album)" by Linkin Park.
The way I hear the lyrics in many of the songs strke strong chords inside, helping me access very deep anger/rage and grief. I have spent many hours angering to their very apt songs, spluttering at my windscreen in my recovery car (the only safe place i can anger vent).

Spoiler warning!!! If your cPTSD was caused by a significant other (like i think most of us) there will be some emotions come up when listening.

Next "Out of Myself" (Album), by Polish band 'Riverside'.
Great for grief about me having and living with my dissociated selves. I did lots of crying while listening to this album. Again, deeply connecting with the lyrics.

These are just the 2 i get most out of. In fact it was listening to these albums that taught me i was not alone in this struggle. Before i even got the cPTSD diagnosis and started to work with the team of proffessionals i am now linked in with. These albums saved my sanity for almost 2 years.

Please share your recovery music, so i can broaden my options for the powerful emotional connections music can bring.

All the best from Oz. M