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This has been a problem in pretty much every relationship I've had.  I try to explain what my upbringing was like and how it contributes to the issues I struggle with and my shortcomings.  My partners usually act somewhat understanding, often having come from rough childhoods themselves, but when the issues come up--for instance I struggle with self-care when my depression is bad--I get told things like "I wish you would just try." 

It's not like I want the C-PTSD and depression to be my excuse for bad behavior.  I just don't want to be judged as if there is no underlying pathology that drives some of my failings.  I do try, I am constantly trying to be better and healthier.  I think every long-term girlfriend I've ever had has said "you're not even trying" to me when I'm treading water emotionally and mentally.  It's so painful to hear that from someone who is supposed to understand you.  I feel like there isn't going to be anyone in my life who will understand.

This started when I was an older teen.  Sometimes when I see young children, older than infants but younger than say 8 years old, I get incredibly, profoundly sad seemingly out of nowhere.  Even if the kids look happy or are having a good time.  I saw a toddler running around saying "mommy I want chicken" in the park and I almost straight up burst into tears on the spot.  I don't understand where this feeling comes from.  I have no children of my own and I'm kind of afraid to because what if I just feel heart-crushingly sad whenever I see my own kids?

Is this what they call a trigger?  What could it mean?

Thanks.  Yeah, drinking is definitely not one of my healthier coping strategies.

On Saturday I was invited to a small get-together, which I agreed to, but at the last minute almost cancelled because I was very anxious.  I talked myself into going anyway, and I had a pretty good time, though I was mostly a wallflower and afterwards I was so relieved to be home I took a long nap.  I feel proud for not flaking out though.

I do find that I'm relating to these Disassociation traits to an alarming degree.  It might be unhealthy to believe this, but sometimes I feel as if disassociating is the best option available to me, that the ugly realities of my life and ongoing experience are unresolvable, and that by plumbing into their depths I'm only exacerbating a pain that has no end, that I will continue to experience for the rest of my life.   Sleeping too much, losing myself in escapist entertainment, drinking until I'm numb: all these defense mechanisms seem like good ideas because facing my life head on makes me feel intensely suicidal.  Other people don't live that way, but other people didn't experience the things that I did, things that will never change and will always be a part of me.  So while it's irrational to others that I view my choices in life as Disassociation or Death, I can't see any other option. 

I've been taking anti-depressants for years, and I'm looking for a new therapist, but I have significant doubts that I'll be able to find someone who can help me.  The last clinic I went to told me that they didn't have anyone on staff experienced enough to help me, and all my therapists in the past just seem to silently bear witness to me spinning the wheels of anxiety and depression and despair.  It feels nice during the session to vent, but as soon as I leave I'm right back where I've always been.  I feel like there isn't any hope of recovery for me.  Despite that, I'm still trying, but it's a going-through-the-motions kind of trying because I don't see any way to repair myself.

I guess this thread is about more than socializing now.  :-/  Thanks so much for letting me vent.

Thank you very much for the kind welcome.  I've been posting over at OOTF and it occurred to me that while the PD abusers are out of my life, I'm still coping with the damage they did, so I thought I would come here.

I think the big challenge I have when socializing is getting out of my own head.  I'm not enjoying the moments because I'm distracted and worried and simply not present.  I've been trying meditation to strengthen conscientiousness, which seems to help a tiny bit, but I'm not where I want to be yet.  It's "natural" for me to isolate and avoid, so it feels "good" to do it, so it's hard to force myself to be uncomfortable for the sake of some possible, difficult-to-imagine happiness.

I have some good friends but don't make plans with them often.  Anytime I do, most of the time I'm just thinking about when I get to go home and be alone.  I know it's important to have healthy connections with others, but even when I'm having an okay time, there is a hook in the back of my mind dragging me back home.  I don't really understand it; I get really lonely when I'm by myself, but really agitated when I'm socializing in any context.  I haven't dated since I broke up with my ex over a year ago, and the idea of trying to date again is so repellent to me.

Sorry, I'm just having a hard time understanding these conflicting feelings.