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I can very much relate to your post.

Welcome

Thanks, y'all! Back from the trip and hotel made it much better. Almost no issues until the last day (no way Mom was letting me off that easy) though there was obvious ugliness between other parties over the week.

So, I'm home and will be seeing my new therapist today! I survived and will check in around here soon. Thanks for the very warm and validating welcome.

Hello! I'm new as well.

Just wanted to say that I see bravery and compassion in your post. I admire your determination! Good for you.

Welcome.

Here I am trying to overcome fear once again.

I'm in a very rough place! I think I have finally found the root of my issues and a therapist that can hopefully do some good. It's still quite fuzzy to me what my traumas could be from my childhood, apart from emotional neglect. I am quite clear on the roller coaster ride that has been my marriage for the last 11+ years. He's been abusive emotionally and verbally, with only one physical episode years ago. He has been "aware" of his narcissistic traits for about a year and become a much different, calmer person. Despite his efforts, I realized I had no sexual attraction to him and then it became a flinching if he would touch me at all. He's now sleeping in the basement, and I'm stuggling to keep it together.
We have 4 children, that I fear (!) are going to be damaged from my lack of awareness and inability to maintain a facade any longer. They are next in line for therapy once I can get to that point.

We are supposed to spend Christmas with my FOO and I'm having more anxiety about it than I ever have before. Thank god we are staying in a hotel despite their protests we all stay under one roof!!

All this to say, I'm very alone. No friends nearby or even to talk to anymore. Husband is all I have to lean on and fortunately he's remorseful enough to carry the load, but like another poster said it feels like taking advantage somewhat. I dream about another life...that's what I'm clinging to for now.

Thank goodness this place exists!
I hope to find and refill my heart on this journey (Hope4heart).