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Additional entry.

Argh!! (Can we use censored swear words here by the way? I forget, but want to).

I forgot about the downside of having a birthday coming up- FOO have sent post that hid the fact it was from them until opened.

JKIJDEIIEENDNEKEKN!!!! (My own version of swearing until I know for sure if its allowed).

Now I face the usual dilemma of the stress and do I package it back up and post it back or just bin it or blah blah blah... I HATE them!!

All suggestions welcome.

Hello Hope.

I always welcome your comments, and think you are a generous, kind and warm individual. And I hope your inner critic can take some time out to give you some equal kindness and warmth for yourself.

I didnt go to the concert in the end by the way. I realised I had it emotionally linked to a whole bunch of other stuff and needed to just switch off and have a break so I could specifically focus my energies on some upcoming important things. Im glad I made the choice I did. I'd like to catch David Byrne one day of course though....

Hey, thanks Hope. Appreciate those thoughts.

Well, I didnt place in the competition (stitch up!  ) but they did put my picture onto a calendar they are selling. So I guess I still get a photo credit of sorts.

I think the idea of patience with myself is right. These feelings and their strength is so new to me. And my catch 22 is im so afraid of others seeing these feelings in me, so I self isolate. Which sometimes makes things more difficult, but its from a lifetime of being taught that any 'negative' unhappy feelings are bad and shameful... Wish I could flip a switch and feel more balanced about that one.

Im HOPING that in a few weeks I'll be going back to one of the self help groups. I have some tasks to do before then that, for me, are huge and not at all pleasant. Fingers crossed they'll go ok. I know I'll probably need some time after to recover.

Its a tough day today tbh, as I had a few knock backs yesterday, not just the photo competition.

Thanks for the thoughts-all very interesting to hear.

I guess for me, Im a bit torn because I feel like I ended up going NC with FOO. Not by decision, but out of self preservation, after continuously getting all my boundaries ignored again and again despite speaking up for myself.

Of course I have that worry and guilt many of us seem to; a fear I may have made a 'wrong' choice. Whatever that means....

I guess Im just confused by medium chill/MC. I only read about it after going NC, and when I first heard about it, I thought; "Oh, MC is what I ALWAYS did to cope with them most of my life growing up". To me, it felt like having to cocoon myself in rock in order to stop them. But inside, I still would feel hurt or upset or anger over what they would say/things they would do etc-I just wouldnt show it.

Yet they never seemed to notice. And I found it hard to then switch out of that rock cocoon in other areas of my life.

I like the idea of MC, but for me, I keep seeing it as retreating back to a cocoon and not being myself, not speaking up for myself etc. But I feel like im missing something here-like I've misunderstood something about MC and its benefits and value.

As I say, I can totally see the benefit when contact with FOO is unavoidable though. Or when the person varies in their behavior and is sometimes okay. Or if I didnt yet feel able to separate from them fully. The thing about it sometimes being part of the path to NC makes sense to me too. Although for me, personally, if the only way to exist around FOO is to barely exist at all, it makes me feel the logical/self care thing to do is recognise the unhealthy situation it is and remove myself.

Again, please understand, this is all just what I personally feel works for me. And im not claiming one thing is 'better' than the other or wrong or right. Im just trying to understand and explore how others use MC, how it helps or doesnt for them, in order to make sense of my own current feelings.

All comments welcome.

Hello to all. I have a query...

I understand how to do 'Medium Chill' (MC). What I dont get is what the AIM of it is. Let me explain...

Is it more for use as a temporary tool when someone/abusive FOO are being awful and physical contact with them cant be avoided, say, at Christmas or birthday gatherings? Is it a long term tool to be used for every time you see someone who is problematic? So, in other words, as a shield, of sorts?

Or is the aim more to hope the person will eventually stop being the way that is so upsetting? Either because in 5 minutes they are likely to be calmer (as they may be someone who tends to blow hot and cold), or because they may realise they are being too difficult and get the message? Or even that the person may eventually realise, say, over months, that their behaviour is too difficult?

Another way I can put this is to ask; Is it a long term solution for constant use with someone who is constantly difficult whenever one has to see them? Or is it more short term, for moments with someone who is occasionally difficult? I cant help being confused because, if someone is constantly difficult every time, then wouldnt going no contact be more appropriate?

I ask as I have read the dedicated page on this site about this subject, but wanted to ask more if thats okay.

I appreciate this might not be the right place to post this-if so I apologise if thats the case, and welcome guidance on where it should be placed, or it being moved automatically.

Anyway-all input is very welcome on this topic.

Thanks Hope.

I had a good talk with the Samaritans, which helped a lot. Birthday is on the 8th of this month, so Im hoping I still have enough time to figure out some nice things to do for it.

Todays entry.

I feel so odd lately, lots of realisations about my past, and lots of overwhelming emotions. Maybe its grieving. I really feel a separation from my FOO and its hard to face building a new life myself, and moving forward in this new direction. Hard, too, to let go of so many of their ways of judging myself. I also realise I still dont see myself as 'good enough' for other people. Its funny because I dont hate myself like I used to-but I only realised the other day that my self worth is still really low. Guess that because its so far from where it used to be, I thought it was ok! Still a ways to go then, I guess.

Now Im in touch with my emotions more, its also really difficult to deal with them. Its amazing how people dont seem to understand just how closed off from my emotions I have been for most of my life-because thats what my FOO made me do to be accepted-and now my emotions are surfacing, its a whole new thing for me.

I feel like a child who is having to learn for the first time how to cope with them all-and its really exhausting! Im scared by them too sometimes. Because its such a new and foreign thing for me, it can honestly be confusing and upsetting.

Im beginning to recognise some, and to make use of soothing mechanisms when things feel too much. But its difficult sometimes. Feel a bit afraid of the clock changes and it suddenly being dark and cold now in the UK. Very wintry suddenly. Heck, everything scares me at the moment! 

Will get the results of the photo competition tomorrow. Its very small, but I do hope to place somewhere. Will see what happens. Fingers crossed!

Have ticket to a concert soon that part of me would like to see, but I feel in such bad shape emotionally that I dont feel up to going. But its hard to let it go as the show has been hyped as really good. Its David Byrne of Talking Heads solo show, and critics are saying its one of the best shows ever.

I so wish my life were different and that I could cope with things more easily.  I just cant believe all the things I have to do/sort out that is coming up soon. Its my birthday soon also, and I really hoped I would be able to enjoy the day-now I suspect Im going to be feeling like Im in a hole due to all the recent things I'll have been dealing with.

Feel overwhelmed by choices, none off which are very good, at a really difficult time.

Ugh.

Feel stuck today, with fears that Im not progressing.

I feel really confused. A lot of conflicting and very strong emotions.

Last couple days were awful. Delivery I waited from 6.30am to 8pm for never showed. Endless phone calls to chase up, all getting nowhere. Endless false promises. It finally showed up yesterday at 5pm after another all day wait and phone calls. Madness.

Feel sort of disoriented. Feel REALLY scared of the emotions I have underneath, that I had to put aside in order to function and cope with the last couple of days. Where I could I tried to check in with myself, but I had nightmares last night, awful ones. that really scared me. I feel they were about the stored up things I somehow have to process.

I find it really hard to do it gradually and to see improvements in doing so. It feels almost like reopening a wound repeatedly without it getting time and space to heal. Maybe a more positive metaphor would be redressing a wound and making sure its healing well. But its not how I feel right now.

I cant believe the difficult things I have to sort by the end of the year. Feel like my days are booked up now, with things that I dont want to be doing and are hard for me.

I feel I need more time and space to process what Im feeling and to try again to find a therapist who can help (if there even is one).

Im sick of the feeling of getting THROUGH time, rather than being able to enjoy it. I am slightly looking forward to the results of my efforts-but I dont know if Im idealising really.

I just feel fed up and scared. I wish I had more fun in my life and someone to share that fun  with. Someone to sometimes be a shoulder to cry on, someone to hug. I want my life to be different.

feel so weird today. really busy yesterday.

cant face anything just so nervous about tomorrow and being up in time, and coping on just 2 or so hours sleep around other people in my home.

only couple days until early delivery now. Been trying to get up earlier. Am utterly frazzled at the moment in terms of my brain. Cant even string together a sentence to type here generally.

Gotta head into town in a bit, which sucks, as I feel AWFUL about my looks today. Does bad sleep always equal bad hair? Seems to in my case....

If only I was young enough to pull off a 'deliberately' bad 'ironic' hairstyle....

Really struggling with poor sleep at the moment. Unable to be up earlier as it means even less and worse sleep which deeply affects my mood. Which Im already struggling with.

About to finally order new carpet which means a 7am-7pm delivery window slot, which means being up at 6.30am. Dreading it. Not to mention fitting it myself and having to clear the room of furniture.

Did have a slot booked with a new therapist the day before the delivery slot but im feeling I'll have to cancel it now-I just cannot take yet another disappointment as far as therapy goes right now. This other stuff is too stressful to cope with both.

Yet I desperately want someone to talk to and confide in face to face. I hate having to make the choice but also feel I HAVE no choice. Commitments the following week and so on mean I cant switch other things around.

Feel rough and unsettled today. Having a crazy time trying to find a replacement mobile after mine broke. I now have FOUR I bought off ebay, all claiming to be brand new... and all obviously not, and with huge faults!

And I dont know if its my self esteem but my hair is driving me crazy today and looks rubbish no matter what I try to do.

I had the repairs people come check out the boiler again yesterday as the letting agent wanted a (cheaper) second opinion. Good news was they said no need for a full days work or them to come so early in the morning, which is a relief for me-but I think Im still so strung out from it that Im just having a very hard one today.

Had lots of health related fears/anxiety panic things yesterday also.

I will still have to be up at 6.30am in a week or so in order to arrange for carpet delivery which freaks me out. At best Im getting to sleep at 4am currently as it is. And thats WITH sleeping pills

And the delivery terms mean its a window slot-in other words, they deliver sometime between 7am and 12pm. So I cant even try to sleep until they've delivered.

I just wish I had a shoulder to cry on about all this, or that it was all done and sorted. Everything feels such a fight and struggle all the time. Its exhausting.

[TW FOR CPA]

TW FOR CPA

I've finally recalled the slaps and physical punishments my mother used to do to me. Its not an EF. Nor was I digging to try to recall. It organically emerged.

It amazes me how I hadnt recalled it. It AMAZES me how, now I recall it, it physically hurt back then SO much. Seriously.

Any time I ever tried to mention it, as an adult, there were attempts by her to try to ridicule me.

What a terrible thing-to be three times the size of a defenseless innocent child and to repeatedly abuse them in this way so much they shut them selves off from their body to cope. And to do it in public so they felt utterly humiliated and shamed.

Evil and vile, what she did to me. There needs to be more therapeutic education on males who were abused by their mothers in this way, not just by fathers. It happens at the hands of women far too often too, but its rarely EVER written about or shown in films or tv.