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I hear you Boatsetsailrose

Thanks Woodsgnome, fortunately I have found a great therapist.  I do have to travel a bit to get there - but so worth it!

I think you are probably right Ren - there is safety in online friendships.  Being judged online, at least for me, isn't quite as hurtful as being judged in person.  And because of that there is a certain freedom in not having to wear a mask or put on a happy face when you don't feel like it.  I guess in some ways, it does allow the opportunity to be more real, more direct.  I think the problem though - is that is the way I am in real life.  I am very honest, and very direct.  That can be most disconcerting for others - online or not.

Danaus I think it depends on the small town.  The small town I am from isn't very accepting of "outsiders."  It's one of those kind of places where families go back for generations. 

Thanks for the suggestions Danaus and Boatsetsailrose.  Unfortunately I live in a fairly isolated area and those aren't available here.  I think that is part of the problem.  Moving isn't an option at this point. 

So very sorry for your loss

So as a follow up - what happened is I got an updated class list - and they added another student.  This student was the most behaviorally involved student at the grade level.  Then I called my union representative.  I was able to work with my T before the meeting so that I didn't get triggered during the meeting.  I was able to state exactly what you pointed out Sanmagic7 - that I cannot be effective with too many behaviorally involved students in my classroom.  My principal attempted to cut me off and immediately go to the "unfair placement compliaint"  I countered that this was not my point - and reiterated that I could not be effective and it had a negative impact on students.  The union rep however, looked at the documentation the principal provided and stated that the evidence clearly showed that my class was overloaded and it was a violation of the contract.  The result is that the principal pulled the most involved student from my room and placed that student back in the self contained classroom.  That being said - I have gone through the first few days of school and have almost been unable to teach.  One student has been so disruptive that it has almost shut down the instruction in my classroom.  And yes Dutch Uncle - previously I have gone into fight mode, become angry, and made heated statements that have only made the situation worse.  This has given them fuel to engage in gaslighting.  One of the positive things that came out of the meeting was the union rep's confirmation that yes - my class was overloaded despite what the principal tried to say.  I was able to calmly tell my principal that her insistence on stating this when I know better causes me to distrust her.  So now I have some options - I will be exploring those with my T.

The thing that has me tied up in knots in my work relationships - CPTSD is also the thing that makes me good at what I do.  It's a double edged sword.  So - I'm a teacher.  And I "get" the kids with behavioral issues, the kids who struggle, the kids who aren't successful in other classes.  So - I get the kids.  Year after year.  And this year - again -  I get a whole bunch of them in one class.  Don't get me wrong - I love working with kids who have struggled.  It's an important part of what I do.  But when there are too many of them in one class, I get overwhelmed and I can't help any of them - and it has a huge impact on me and my health.  And then when I complain - I am told that I am "imagining" things and that classes are really placed fairly.  I know that this isn't true - and my principal knows it isn't true - but there isn't really anything I can do about it. 

This year will be the worst year, because the group I am getting are very severe.  So I have asked for a meeting, again, to lay out my case.  I have practiced with my T.  And even that was traumatic because the realization that I can't discuss a conflict without my body going into full "fight mode" was rather frightening to me.  The conscious attention I have to give to slowing my breath and speech, softening my facial muscles, relaxing my body posture, and all while I have to carefully think about delivering a message in a non-threatening way has me wanting to just not go there.  But it's more than just me.  I have this whole class of kids that will be affected too.  Feeling sick to my stomach.

So sorry to hear that Sanmagic   Hoping for better days soon.  Nothing worse than have a quack doctor set you back!

Good luck Contessa!

Today was my 5th visit with my therapist using Lifespan Integration Therapy [http://lifespanintegration.com/what-is-lifespan-integration/].  I finally, today, felt like I got somewhere.  After 30 years of cognitive behavioral therapy and other types of "talk therapy" - I thought I had resolved many of my past issues.  However, I still continued to get "triggered" particularly when I went through a severe workplace bullying episode.  It really shook me to the core.  Even though I have somewhat recovered from that, the residual anxiety is still with me.  Processing emotions is so delayed - sometimes I don't even realize what I am feeling until several days later.  It's like moving through water.

Well today, during the session, I was able to pull up a feeling from a situation and track it back.  I also noticed that my timeline is becoming more coherent - I am remembering things more clearly and they are more ordered.   When I left the session today - I had that feeling you get after you have a good, long cry.  I haven't felt that way in a long time.  I hope this continues.  I think it's helping.  I will be back in a stress producing setting in the not too distant future - so we shall see.

On an earlier post, one person referred to "themes" regarding their triggers.  I am beginning to discover my themes - e.g. control by shame, control by fear, abandonment, not being heard or understood, not being valued, etc. 

I have begun to create a trigger log.  And now each week when I see my T, we go back over the triggers and find memories attached to them.  It is a little bewildering really, there are so many. 

And the memories keep popping up out of their little hidey-holes.  It feels like a game of whack-a-mole; just when one is processed, another equally vile one takes its place. 

I am discovering that much of the damage wasn't just my FOO - it was the people around me as well - classmates, neighbors, teachers, other relatives, etc.  My family was so dysfunctional, so chaotic, and had such a refusal and/or inability to follow the rules of society that we were social pariahs wherever we went.   I am thinking it is this theme - the outcast from society, that is the absolute most difficult to deal with.  While the abuse and neglect that causes CPTSD in itself leads to a lack of a sense of belonging - moving over 50 times by the time I was 14 and being told repeatedly things like, "You don't belong here;" "My mom says you can't come into our house; "We don't want people like you in our town," has magnified this theme.

This is almost a daily trigger for me.   

Does anyone else have this theme, and have you found effective ways/tools for working through it? 

I made the unfortunate mistake of revealing only some of my childhood to coworkers - because it pertained to my job.  I am in a helping profession and it helped me to be better at what I do.  Big Mistake!  It has been like loading a gun so people can turn it around and point it at me.  I have had superiors use it to excuse inappropriate behavior, e.g. "You just have issues so you aren't viewing this accurately."  I have also had colleagues whisper and gossip, making inappropriate comments.  Nope.  Wish I hadn't done that and won't do it again.  I already had trust issues and this only made it worse.

Thanks wife#2 and arpy1.  And yes wife#2 - ultimately some things at work have eventually been a part of the trigger.  Without going into a long winded explanation, I suffered at the hands of a psychopathic bully in the workplace for about 3 years.  Talk about triggering!  And yes arpy1 - it is a recent diagnosis - 2 weeks ago as a matter of fact.  It is also a "layer of an onion thing."  The bullying situation forced me into therapy - this is the 2nd time now.  Although the bullying has stopped, the repercussions have not.  It brought up lots of old stuff.  On top of this, I had to go NC with my FOO because as I became more and more healthy and set boundaries - they ran right over the top of them.  Then they kept stalking me - more wood for the fire.

Also, my new therapist is using a type of therapy that has me create a timeline of my life and I am listing memories.  The "onion part" is when I started doing this and looking at everything I had been through, I think it started pushing through some membrane of denial on my part. 

I think what it all boils down to is that while I have "talked through" so much of this and have dealt with it on a verbal, cognitive level (e.g. in cognitive therapy) - there is a part of me that has not dealt with it on a feeling level, and it comes leaking out in other ways.  It has become increasingly more difficult to manage my anger, stress, and is resulting in migraines, insomnia, difficulty managing my moods.  Oh - and my husband almost died last year from a heart attack.  Too many triggers.  My rigid sense of control is falling apart, and it is an icky feeling.

Thanks Three Roses - just knowing I am not alone helps a bit.