Messages

Thanks y'all!

You're right.  Part of me wishes she could join me on my journey but I realize I'm setting myself up for disappointment.  She doesn't really 'know' me which is really a shame. Based on past experience she would be dismissive or fall into the 'my path was harder than your path' game and I'd walk away sad and dejected.  Maybe someday she'll reach.out but as we continue to get old, it doesn't seem to be realistic.

Thank you. Much of what you say makes good sense and I appreciate hearing from someone in a similar dynamic. My sis would still tell me to look both ways when crossing the street if she could.

I think somewhere inside there is a part of me that just wishes, "hey, can I get a little recognition/validation here from *someone* in the family that that * was just wrong?"

So. Back to self parenting which is probably better than setting myself up.

I'm working with my therapist on some severe anxiety issues that I had as a child. It was part of my trauma and given the unhealthy homestead, was never a topic of discussion except for shameful and embarrassing ones.

My sister is 10 years older and I am tempted to email her for some insight as to what she observed. My parents have died so she's my only historic info source, but due to 1400 miles between us and some recent disagreements, we aren't so close any more. This is tough because no one has ever talked to me about it and it feels like I'm breaking the dysfunctional code by bringing it up. Also, she can get preachy and judgmental which also scares me. Follow up questions from her when I do share feel gossipy versus compassionate. I'm not sure I'll get support but rather more negativity so I was thinking of prefacing it with the fact that I'm in therapy, not looking for advice, just observations. (Eek! Vulnerability! ) When mentioned previously that I was going back to therapy I got a "been there done that" response but she has much more unresolved crap to deal with (she can truly fall into "woe was me and I had it worse than anyone" mode when we talk childhood) so I hesitate to tell her but I think she could learn a lot about PTSD and how it has impacted her. While we did grow up with the same parents, things had degraded quite a bit by the time I came along. She does carry a lot of the same goo.

She wants to be closer but her attitude keeps me at bay. Pouring all of this out could give her more insight to me - or totally piss me off!! She  has no clue of the things that happened to me because she was gone by the time I was 8.

My primary goal is to get to the anxiety issues and what was going on in the adult side of the house. Ultimately the answer is that my parents never did anything because my problems were caused by them and they wouldn't want to admit that. I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for. It could simply be to bring the topic into the open and quit tiptoeing around the topic. But is there anything to gain 45 years later? It's my issue not hers and she probably never thinks about it.

I would appreciate thoughts on what folks believe is the best approach here - raise it or let it lie. Thank you!

I read that book and found it an interesting blend of information I've read in the past about ACoA and the new information on trauma. I think her role playing practice sounds very powerful. I'm not sure I could do that in the setting that she provides, but I am wondering if it would help to simply talk to a pillow like it was your abuser (and then kick the crap out of it - oops...did I say that???)

That's huge, Kizzie - congrats - disempowering her and empowering yourself.
I wonder if your lack of re=action will eventually change her actions. Do you think she's sitting around wondering why she hasn't heard from you?? I hope so!
Good for you.
I hope you had a great Mother's Day.

It appears to me that your mother dwells in a world of hate, and you deserve a world of love.
Don't give her the power to dampen (self) love and let yourself be consumed by her negativity. '
As adults, we no longer need their approval, which was twisted and unobtainable, anyway.
Think of 10 things about yourself that are loveable.
I'm not a master of words, but I understand some of what you are saying. I was taught not to brag, so in spite of my accomplishments, many folks know little about me. That's another way we were sat upon. We deserve to be proud.
Ferk her and love yourself. You are all that matters now.

I'm sorry you received this message and more happy that you aren't accepting it. Keep looking!

This reminded me of a phone interview I did w a woman w a PHD.
I was telling her my spiel and her responses were:
Really?
Wow.
Huh.
Gosh you really have a lot going on there.

I hung up as fast as I could.   

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/08/14/key-questions-to-ask-when-choosing-a-therapist/
hi littlepalm
i found this which may help for a startering point
some here also stress c-ptsd vs ptsd expertise.
Best to you in the search.

Honestly there are so many labels...my T was trained in social work but is in private practice and has an arms length of specialized training. This is my .02 based on many different Ts. Take your time and be picky before you commit and note that  some in private practice offer a free first session.

One of my best counselors was 30 years ago at a county drug and alcoholism treatment center. She was a social worker and fellow child of alcoholics and helped my self esteem immensely. After that I went thru decades of counselors who worked for low pay and heavy case loads. I felt like just another manila folder and they were far from experts at trauma. While my current T costs thru the nose, she has a small case load and works hard with me so worth it.

I think (not sure) counselors are social worker employed by city/state. Therapists can be SWs or psychologists while psychiatrists administer meds.
I would suggest private practice with a trauma expert if you can but obviously there are good community counselors
out there. Interview at least three by phone and see how you click. It's tough as there are so many to choose from.

Hi hyper: I believe it akin to codependency if you're familiar with those traits. Thanks for your response.

Curious and don't want to offend but are you showing up when you go in? Are you open to her comments and suggestions? Completing assignments and challenges?  Or combative and argumentative or avoidant? Some therapist's get to a point especially in private practice when they only work with whom they want, choosing those who are committed to working as a team. I do agree you deserve more insight.  It's odd she will write you off without discussion first.

Thank you for that.
There seem to be powerful memories that evoke emotion and pain and those to which we are numb or accepting. Some how the goal seems to be to disempower all of them and to let go.

Once in awhile one pops up and hits me in the head like a rubber band. And I'm contemplating whether dealing with memory is really what changes behavior vs breaking old patterns and habits. Again, perhaps they are entwined.

I remember my mother changing my diaper and bathing me as I sat on the edge of the kitchen sink. So pretty tiny! Random memory is fascinating. Why do we remember some bits that seem so irrelevant?