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Hey, thank you all for the kind words, support and encouragement! Sorry I haven't responded quicker, I was overwhelmingly busy with school..

Either way, I'm happy to have found a place to help deal with these things. I've checked out a few links and got some helpful info on them and started doing this "self talk" thing whenever I feel the worse. It's been helping and the episodes of anxiety aren't as rough when I do it, plus on a day-to-day it reminds me to stay present. It's been tough but I've also made a conscious effort to cut back on alcohol, get back into exercising and quitting smoking. It's been helping but I know I'm not completely out of the woods so thanks again.. It really means a lot to me that I can talk to people that care and can relate. 

Oh! Thanks for reading this

Hi all,

I'm a 30 yr old male that's weeks away from finishing a graduate degree in design/visual communication. I just recently started dealing with the issues of my past and the loss of my older brother which have been the reason to a lot of my problems with anxiety, stress, the list can go on for awhile. Long story short, I have CPTSD from being abused by my father up until I was 17 or so and a string of unhealthy relationships that only exacerbated my condition until now. It's been a difficult process to deal with, mainly because, I don't remember much from my childhood and last yr I started remembering things. Painful memories that I'm confused on if they really happened or I am "filling in the blanks" because I know there was abuse but... I don't know, I signed up almost a week ago and it's really difficult coming to terms with all of this.. A few of the issues that I'm facing from it are the inability to feel safe in any relationship, depression, mild to severe anxiety (on the worst days I'll catch myself in the fetal position on my couch for hours), escapism with either alcohol, sex, or drugs, having zero control over my emotions, etc.. I know most of you have the same or worse things going on so I don't want to ramble too much about this. 

I started talking to the school counselor who is also a therapist and she was helping a good bit... but then I stopped and started avoiding her after she brought up the idea of me taking medication. I'm not a fan of taking medication and always try to find a natural way of curing anything I'm going through so the thought of that scared the * out of me.. and still does. It's also a huge dilemma of mine. I may be using this as a way of justifying avoidance of these issues I'm going through but my theory on not using medication to treat myself is that I'm a person that makes a living out of being creative. Also from a good bit of research that the most creative people also have the same battles with anxiety, depression, etc... It kinda sucks, because I'm at the top of my class and I'll often overwork myself to stay ahead of everyone plus myself.. But the thing that fuels me is the anxiety of failure or not living up to expectations that I've set for myself which I know can only eventually turn into a fast downward spiral. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense but it's a short intro of myself. I really do admire the courage of everyone else on here that can open themselves up to the world. Your stories and advice give me strength when I feel as if I don't have any.