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Hello all,

I'm going to visit here more often as I have been integrating and awakening successfully. I may have some good tips to share! I'm also moving this post from the CPTSD in adults over to children as my brain took the most damage ages 0-5. My trauma therapist named my developmental challenges in object permanence, theory of mind, and timekeeping. In articulating how my mind works, I use the term "ChildMind" to depict all ages that are present in my subconscious mind. CM is fear-based and blocked everything, so I've had to become metacognitive with her in order to change my programming enough to function.

I've been upset since reading this article last week:

https://www.thecut.com/2021/08/dissociative-identity-disorder-youtube.html?utm_source=pocket&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=pockethits

It's a 20 minute read so I'll sum up where I'm hurt. "Some members of the DID Internet Community subscribe to the DISCREDITED idea that SATANIC CULTS have caused some peoples DID."

I've worked as a news editor myself and write well so far as I know. This sentence only serves the author in making sure they don't go down THAT road. Satanic = Red Herring. But what about the fact that SRA DOES cause some peoples DID? How about the word "OFTEN DISCREDITED" or "SOMETIMES DISCREDITED." Or LEAVE THE WHOLE WORD OUT OF THE SENTENCE.

This hurts a lot. To see there are others has been EVERYTHING to me. This article made me feel validated, then took that validation away in ONE SINGLE WORD. How dare they? 

Hey Marta,

Does it feel overwhelming? That's what happens to me with everything. I started hanging around in 'women's circles' and ended up feeling rocks by accident. But I've been open to whatever so I turned toward the universe and thanked it. But I'm the last person you'd get to endure any structured learning so I'm way overwhelmed about taking the REIKI class I downloaded weeks ago. There's also FEAR because I'm not allowed to reach for answers, apparently. According to ChildMind's reality from Planet Ernest.

CM is a young consciousness but our relationship is good. I got through a short class on Carl Jung shadow work. Jung believed our shadow's problems come down to ABANDONMENT and OVERWHELM. From being born helpless as a baby. Since I was cult-tortured young, I blocked everything behind an overwhelm that could never be accessed due to abandonment/attachment issues.

So I had to clear out a lot of abandonment by going within and the crystals helped. I'm clearing OVERWHELM now and I'm so under-developed on 'object permanence' it's frustrating. So I really did need the 'help' from the rocks.

Anyway, I'm new to this site and haven't read anybody's posts.  I'm in here to see if other SRA survivors are developing ESP (OF ANY KIND!) as I get the impression everybody is leveling up. The only problem so far is that my posts get moved OUT of the religious/cult abuse section.

I'm guessing crystals is off the subject and people like me should post in general discussion? I'm certain nobody in this forum would suggest cult abuse doesn't apply to the 1970's I got exposed to. That 'not believed' wound was gushing for decades. Not anymore, thanks to the 'wisdom' from this ridiculous 'Lemurian Quartz' in my left palm.

So now I have to look up a bunch of HOO HAW medicine to move forward.... but I'm willing to do it. Wish me luck!

Hello out there,

I'm new. I posted something in this section December 20th and it has disappeared. I can find it via my profile, but how do I find it otherwise to see if there were responses?

Ok CRYSTALS: I love this new skill - the power of it is enough to break ALL the lies.

I made jokes about "REIKI" for years. (I'm a science girl and prefer deep tissue lol). But whatever magic current they have is accessible and has probably been called a bazillion other things through history. So let's go! I'm going in - it's like swimming in space <3

ATTACHMENT - under total control.
FEAR - ten more layers off in 2 days.
PERFORMANCE MODE - most of the time I'm just me!
xoxo
Amnesia71

Oh and I found a Reiki Master class online for $20. I have a learning/school block but I bet I can get ChildMind through it <3

Hello CPTSD Forum,

I joined you in 2016 but haven't returned since. So hello again!

I was terrified of what was inside my head when I joined this forum (age 45). I learned over decades that there's no therapy for it, confirming the original trauma (the 'nobody believes' energy). I kept my sense of humor, but lost a marriage and house in 2017 while I hit the darkest part of my journey.  I was still stumbling through my life in a fear-based 'performance mode.' Then I'd forget any connections I'd made. This made sense as I was trafficked very young and had to perform then erase everything from 'grandma's house.' 

A homeless alcoholic step-daughter was the catalyst to my divorce as I tried to protect her disabled son (dwarfism) and let go of her. I did get her into treatment after her dad left me, so there's that. But all that severe alcohol fueled drama over 15 years had both my ex and myself at the end of our ability to cope. We were the last two people in the family still involved.

I got a trauma therapist, not realizing how important it was to see someone familiar with SRA's effect at different developmental stages. I joined the local liberal religion (Unitarians) and learned MINDFULNESS from their Buddhist group. Their Sacred Circle group taught me PRESENCING and connecting with nature. The therapist validated my infantile attachment symptoms while carefully planting seeds that grew as I integrated.

I've stayed on my path and love journaling / writing. Some day I'll write books on how to break the lies we learn under age five. I became aware of entire sections of my brain that had been abandoned under age 3 as 'not allowed.' Layers of pure fear (with physiological symptoms) for having thoughts/feelings. Reaching for 'my light.' Any reaching for anything. Lots of object-permanence related anxiety. 

Now at over 3 years of awakening/integration, I'm finding the most valuable tool I've come across is CRYSTAL HEALING. Of all things!  A Shungite rock around my neck started 'humming' while I was journaling in May. I habitually took it off and got the tingling into my left hand. Center of palm, then up arm, through vagal nerve, out the other arm.

Within a couple months that rock felt like a planet in my right hand. Pulsing strong, soft, nothing, then strong again. I do it with my consciousness somehow - higher self and higher perspective = more reaction and changing energies. Energy coming in on the left, then wielded on the right. I now have over 20 crystal points that all feel different. I feel like I'm plugged into source and making a conduit. I release layers of fear and shame every day by holding the rocks and rolling my eyes around, breathing deep through the pain in my chest. Visualizing the pain leaving my body.

So I'm feeling reiki pulses or qi or prana or something. Thank you, Universe. I was a Penn and Teller fan, debunking anything like this until it happened to me. I believe it has to do with being very practiced at going IN and OUT of your body.  I went through a lucid dreaming phase in my 20's where I would awaken with the same tingling in my palms. But I'm still very much in the dark. My conditioning on Planet Ernest left me terrified of learning and very good at hiding my intelligence.

Is anybody else turning their bodies into electrical conduits with rocks? Or putting intentions into crystals? I feel the pulses without crystals now. Through my fingers and onto/into anything. I'll include here that I started micro-dosing psilocybin in February and was on psilocybin 1/2 gram when this started. I've also been using THC to 'activate ChildMind'. I assume it's easier to reach that part of my mind on THC because Ernest drugged us. 

And, finally, I have an amazing sister who empowered herself and joined another SRA survivor during this Covid Time to bring back the topic of SADISTIC child abuse (and other things) via podcasts. They took the time to find every article that ever covered the phenomenon in Salt Lake City, where so many of us were tortured. It's all listed chronologically on their site.

https://whatweknowpod.com/chronology-of-organized-sexual-abuse-investigations-media-reports-and-professional-judicial-legislative-religious-and-child-protection-responses/

Ernest's sadism was advanced and he was well connected. I'll include his obituary here for anyone else in the Salt Lake area. He died 40 years ago, but undoubtedly used his power to molest dozens through his career. I don't know any of his victims beyond my immediate family. I'm the 2nd of 5 kids. I doubt anybody is still standing in his corner after all this time. 

I'm still here. I've known I have complex PTSD for years. This type of abuse causes that. But I don't lose time, and for that I am grateful.

I have a relatively new problem, however: 

Interstitial Cystitis means I'm allergic to all forms of alcohol. In social situations, this year I've been using edible marijuana instead. I am very, very sensitive to all medications so I only do small doses. The same goes for smoking it.

In the past, I have had problems with losing my self edit while on any kind of narcotic. I'm the frightened 3 year old, talking constantly to everyone with absolutely no filter. But this year I am feeling the 'switch' with a lot more clarity. I'm coming to realizations about how I thought as a kid, during the abuse and otherwise. I guess I'm trying to say I switch MORE, and this frightens me and makes me paranoid about my outside behavior. I start trying to explain what's wrong with me to random people, as if I truly believe they can see inside my head.

Is this familiar to anyone? I'm trying harder to control this (often by not doing it in the first place). But there has been some good coming from it as well, as I have been able to actually get through to that 'other' part of me, explaining the reality of the situation from an adult perspective, as if speaking to a child. Seems to be getting through for the first time, and I have been less anxious about making and keeping friendships with people I would normally have been terrified of in the past.

So scary, but it is what it is.

Thank you so much. I have enough time to force myself to listen to "The Body Keeps Score." It sounds like it will absolutely apply to my situation. I have random stabbing pains that have been an issue since the infection did damage to my nervous system, but I've been reluctant to admit to my doctors that they were a problem before. Mostly in my fingers and privates.

My niece reports my brother ritually abused her. She is now 23 and has legally changed her name to hide from him. My sister also claims he used date rape drugs and ritually abused her as an adult. A younger brother reports the same. People have moved from state to state to avoid my brother.  I do not live in fear of this brother or feel grief for the two little girls I hear he has now. I remind myself the world is full of horrible people, and someone is abusing animals or children every minute of every day. I never met his current wife and children. Never will.

I haven't been able to read other posts on this board, yet. But it's time to just allow the triggering to happen and learn what I can from it without losing control. My parents are aging and becoming more needy, which flashes me back to how powerless and ignorant they were when I needed them in the 70's. It was my grandpa who orchestrated those emotions, though. I have to remember my parents, even as adults, were also victims. I need to be strong enough to be there for them as they age without looking for 'revenge' opportunities.

Thank you so much for the response, Three Roses. Are you an administrator on this site?

Tara

Hello,

I have no memory of what I understand was horrific, painful, torturous physical and psychological abuse between the ages of 1 and 6. I remember very inappropriate conversations and closeness with the primary perpetrator, my step grandfather. I have a flash memory of seeing other people naked, several in one room. I remember waking up crying, and I was often paralyzed by fear as a child. I am aware of False Memory Syndrome and am confident within my own mind and with what others in my family have reported, that I am a victim of Satanic Ritual Abuse.

I was a bright, but unusually frightened child with a 'chanting' in my mind whenever I felt someone was mad or I was in trouble. I always felt that I was 'bad' inside, and panicked when I was not the teacher's favorite student. I over-reacted to any kind of pain, to the point my parents (who were ignorant as I was) gave up on believing me. Raised by over-zealous Mormons, I was isolated from pop culture and shamed often for my behavior, as I did not fit the mold my parents were casting.

I was hospitalized at age 15, where I was further shamed and discredited. With no knowledge I was abused, there was little the doctors or my parents could go on. I put a lot of effort into describing my symptoms, and over time this led to a lack of trust in therapy. The sense of not being believed has always been strong, so one of my most difficult symptoms today is obsessive rumination. I re-live all stressful conversations (changing what I could have said), and I can't stop going back in time to the hospitalization and telling everyone it really wasn't "my fault" after all.

I'm joining this forum in the hopes I will take the time to learn something from it. Grandpa was a teacher, starting with grade school and then becoming a principal at middle and high schools. I assume this is why I feel oppositional when learning new things. Progress has been excruciatingly slow throughout my life, but after being unable to work (fear of bosses) in my early 20's, I found low paying jobs I could emotionally handle, and people who were patient in teaching me. I worked 10 years in radio as a traffic reporter.

I have been seeing a cognitive behaviorist for 4 years, mostly out of duty as I contracted Interstitial Cystitis and other auto-immune conditions from a single infection 9 years ago. With my physical health declining to the point I filed for (and won) Social Security Disability Income, I thought I had to be seeing someone. The pain of IC is visceral and very hard to endure without dissociating and panicking, especially due to the medications. Ultimately the therapy wasn't working, and I felt invalidated as the therapist doesn't 'believe' in 'dissociation.' Her parting words included "I believe you", so that was nice.

I have never suffered multiple-personalities to the degree that I'm 'losing time.' I have never named 'alters' or separated them beyond a 'me' and 'irrational child I have to babysit'. I don't 'switch,' and I'm careful to take responsibility for my illness instead of using it as an excuse. I don't have anger outbursts. Instead, I live with a debilitating fear of anger, including my own. I have tried to fake anger when I was scared of someone else's anger. But the fear / anxiety is always the real problem.

Flashbacks have become more of an issue of late, but they are all merely a second or two in length. I live in fear of whatever healing process my brain is going to go through as my life has settled into a happy marriage and lower stress. I've often considered joining one of these boards, as I was helped quite a bit by boards set up for Paxil Addiction and Interstitial Cystitis.

Nice to meet you....
Tara