Messages

Wow, Woodsgnome, thank you for sharing your experience. It's great you are pushing past what your IC says to you and finding healing through expression.

MidnightOwl,

Thank you, your reply is very insightful. You are correct that I crave acceptance of my entire emotional pallet, which is a great way to describe it.

A little update on all of this: I have told my mother about my diagnosis and she responded pretty well. Now my task is continuing to figure out what I need and want. I've never considered that I have choices in this relationship, so it's new territory.

The "boring" technique is probably the safest bet for the next little while so I can take time to see if and how she has changed and respond accordingly.

I've decided I do want to maintain contact for now, but I can't resume the longing for the kind of relationship I used to want with her. I had come to peace with that and accepted who she is. I'm realizing that recovery doesn't necessitate opening up that futile longing again.

I wonder why she wants a relationship with me, as I don't believe she really loves me. She thinks she does, but it is conditional. I'm still convinced of that until I learn otherwise.

I have very little feelings toward her. Some of the trouble in moving forward in this relationship is that we have nothing in common and I don't really like her very much. I maintain contact because she's my mom and does things for me sometimes, which I know it is not good for her that I "use" her that way. But maybe it makes her feel needed a little bit, since I haven't really needed her for quite some time. That ship sailed when I was about 15.

I just feel numb toward her. I wonder what it's like to have love and good feelings when thinking about one's mother?

Three Roses:
This is so true. In fact, I've noticed that my Ic does this too.
Also, it seems that many people love to be "experts" on art, instead of letting it challenge them. Maybe they feel they must control it?
Creative expression is so personal, it's no wonder it gets out IC all worked up.

Hi all, I'm working on putting together some thoughts on how trauma and PTSD affects our art-making. Below is a quick rough outline and I'd welcome your thoughts and experiences. My goal is to work toward healing as a musician so I can perform again and enjoy it.
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The Artist and Trauma

Trauma creates difficulty in being vulnerable. To create art that genuinely reaches others, the artist must be vulnerable.

Fear of taking risks. To speak authentically as an artist, risk is necessary.

Trauma creates a foggy divide between the victim and other people. Even if others know about the trauma the victim has experienced, they may not understand the many complicated ways trauma affects the way a person relates to other people. Art is about communicating and relating with others. The very thought of communicating openly with others can be painful for the traumatized individual, for fear of being rejected.

Often, trauma can create negative associations with the victim's primary art form, bringing back feelings associated with the original trauma each time the victim practices her art.

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I have been silenced many times, so it is fascinating that I chose to pursue singing.
I feel like a coward for stopping my song, but wouldn't anyone else do the same?
Singing was a distraction for so long until it became one more source of pain.
Then I'm left with hardly knowing at all what I prefer.
It just seems like a shame not to use my voice, but is that the reason for singing?
To move forward in this art, I have to subject myself to criticism.
Stand on the stage in front of the blank screen judges.
All of my hard work over with in five minutes.
I pour myself out, my voice spilling out of my mouth as if it were of more substance than only invisible sound.
They yawn, raise an eyebrow, and look at their watches.
I walk out of the room, one heal after another hammering into the hard floor. My feet have never been so loud.
Logic tries to remind me that this is part of the process, I'm a grown up, it doesn't matter.
PTSD speaks up and the judges faces morph in my memory into the faces of my parents, bored and disinterested, "I don't really care. I don't want to spend time with you," they sing this back to me in unison like an angrily melodramatic opera chorus.
It's no wonder I walk away with my head hanging in shame.

I'm feeling the same way! You're not alone. I've been having to remind myself to slow down and think seriously when I have the urge to tell someone. Usually, i have to urge myself to make a decision more promptly, so this desire to share is new.
For me, I think I want to tell people because I want to be understood. Those I'm wanting to tell are mostly people who have been affected by my symptoms and didn't understand why I was acting weird. I didn't understand until now that I was having EFs.

Three Roses,

Thank tou so much for your response. It is very validating.

One thing I thought I had going for me was the fact that I journaled extensively from the time I was 8 years old until I was about 19.

It was always too painful for me to read the journals, but I kept them in a box at my parents' house since they were important to me.

When I was about 20, and had been out of their house for a couple years, my mother mentioned that she had read some of them and thought they were funny and "cute". I was mortified. These were my most personal thoughts, the only place where I was safe from her objectification.

When I returned home at Christmas that year I threw away nearly 20 (half?) of the journals- especially the ones detailing my feelings from their neglect and abuse. I never regretted it until I received this diagnosis.

I've started going through the ones I saved and they are rife with denial as I have clear memories of how I FELT at the time, but foggy memories of how things actually were.

There are a few desperate and honest entries peppered throughout each journal.

Hi all, new here.
Diagnosed with cptsd just a few weeks ago and I've been processing through this new info.
As I've read and researched this disorder my experience makes so much sense to me now.
However, the hard part for me is I'm still somewhat in denial and tend to minimize my experiences. The extra challenge is that my parents' abuse was so subtle and covert, purely in the psychological and emotional realm apart from the frequent spankings as a child.
I've done much recovery work on my own prior to diagnosis and therapy without even knowing what I was doing. I'm a persistent person when I want to be, so that has worked in my favor.
Now that I'm faced with the diagnosis I'm confronted with what to do with my relationship with my parents? I had finally arrived at a somewhat functional relationship with them after many years of awful EFs whenever speaking with them. I finally felt that I had my boundaries clearly in place and they were actually starting to learn how to deal with those boundaries. And then... Wham! I'm diagnosed with cptsd and its like getting the validation I never got that this abuse was real and horrible and has completely affected my entire life. My therapist wants me to experience my emotions. Guess what emotion is popping up for me? Anger!
I want to throw a big toddler tantrum and know my parents will still love me. But I know the real outcome would be this: they would become extremely offended and require me to grovel and apologize profusely that I'm in the wrong.
So now I'm stuck. I can't express this anger without big consequences. And I feel like I'm back where I used to be emotionally when I lived with them.
So, I guess what I'm wrestling with is that I feel like I'm not being true to myself or making my voice heard if I don't tell them about my diagnosis and express this anger and tell them I need time away. But I know that if I do that things will get increasingly complicated. Just looking for encouragement or similar experiences and j sight!