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Thanks for all of your replies! 
Yes, it would be great to walk without the crutches of my Inner Critic. I'll have to learn how to walk all over again. And then develop my leg muscles.

And it's true, my Inner Critic has always been with me. My IC has been my sole identity for so long. She helped me survive and function, and she gave me a sense of closeness to my birth mother, who used to be very critical of me.
Now I do need to develop a loving Inner Mother. I don't know how to do that just yet. My therapist told me to watch real mothers with their children in public. I am doing that.
However, when I tell my inner child that it is time to go to bed, she doesn't react at all. She just ignores this request and hijacks my actions, so that I end up staying up until the early morning hours. Or when it is time to eat, my Inner Child also ignores my attemps to lovingly tell her to interrupt whatever we are doing. Often I feel absolutely unmotivated to do things. My only enjoyment lies in things that help me escape reality, like novels, films, or daydreaming. It is difficult to find something that I enjoy. But it really depends on my mood of the day. Sometimes I have a little more energy, and then I do gardening, which I do enjoy.

My therapist does encourage me to practice self-care and get enough food and sleep. But she is not concerned with my inability to function. She says I just function in a different way than other people.
My IC might not have the power anymore to propel me into action, but she still comments my disorganized life. You're right, I need to grieve that loss, that disempowerment.

Hello everyone,
Through therapy I kind of disempowered my inner critic. I do feel less depressed now that I'm not constantly berating myself. However, I cannot function anymore in daily life.

Normally, I only get things done if I feel enough fear and shame. Fear of negative consequences if I don't do the thing, and shame that I'm so lazy that I keep procrastinating it. If the fear and shame are so intense that I can't stand myself, then I get to work on the thing.

Now, I'm only procrastinating, letting myself be sidetracked, and don't get anything done. All the little self-discipline that I have is used up by making myself brush my teeth.
It takes me until afternoon to get up and dressed. I'm too disorganized to eat regular meals.

Before my nervous breakdown, when my C-PTSD symptoms spiralled out of control 4 years ago, I would manage to have a daily routine, work, eat regular meals, take regular showers, get things done, and seem normal on the outside. I was just barely functioning and constantly tense, irritabke and miserable, but I was functioning. I had self-discipline, as my inner critic shamed me into action. My inner critic forced me to do unpleasant things that needed to get done, and it also stopped me from following my impulses.

How can I find a balance between being kind to myself and having some amount of self-discipline? 

Sanmagic7,
No, no, you didn't offend in any way! This is just what I think about being an empath. Probably everyone defines it differently for themselves.

Thanks for all of your posts!

It's so good to know I am not alone in this!

Thanks, LaurelLeaves, for the tip to say to people, "It's a condition that mimics ADD". I will use it!
I heard on some podcast on PTSD vs. ADD, that if the ADD meds don't work, it's probably C-PTSD... I don't know if that's true or not.
It's funny, I feel defective because of the C-PTSD... Like my brain is altered and the neurochemistry is messed up because of the trauma. I might learn to deal with it better, but I think I'll always have some emotional flashbacks. Peter Walker also says that.
I'll probably also be on meds for the rest of my life. But who knows.... My antidepressant meds keep me from feeling too depressed and anxious, which I'm very grateful for, but they don't keep the other symptoms of C-PTSD at bay, especially the ADD-like ones. Ritalin would probably make me more edgy. I can't even drink coffee because it makes me so nervous.
But of course being diagnosed with ADD and the notion that something in your brain was biologically wrong and you can't ever heal it would also suck.... Even though it is a great excuse...    And people know what you're talking about!

And Woodsgnome, I like the way how you give yourself credit for having curiosity.
I cut conversations short when they are boring and I berate myself for lacking patience. Same goes for finishing other people's sentences for them, when they speak too slowly. Or speaking out of turn, when I can't wait to say something. Even if I lack patience, at least I have a lot of curiosity.
When I start learning a new language every 1-2 years and buy all the books, without ever mastering the previous language, I am being curious.
When I start researching on "healthcare in rural areas" for a paper and somehow end up watching youtube videos on the extinction of the dinosaurs, I am being curious.
When I research about how to raise free-range chickens for 3 days straight without hardly any sleep, even though I would never raise chickens in my life, I am being curious.
When I'm on my way to the office, run into an aquaintance who is a hobby gardener, and head straight back home with a sack full of compost and prepare a vegetable bed for the rest of the day, I am being curious. 
My therapist congratulates me for being creative and tries to get me to accept myself...
Good thing I don't have to try to hold a job... In my volunteer job, there are few real expectations.

v,

i don't know of any switch to turn off empathy.  i do believe, however, that sometimes, for some people, empathy of great proportions can be turned into a positive with a change of perspective.  can this help bring you closer to people?  can it stir your creative juices in a positive way?  can you utilize it as a warning device in your life that will help you avoid negative or dangerous people?  and, conversely, can it help your ability to 'feel' if someone might be worth taking a chance with as far as a relationship goes (whatever shape or form that relationship might take)?

i am curious to know how this has caused your c-ptsd.   i haven't heard of this yet, but am interested.

Hi Sanmagic7,

Here is my 2 cents of why being an empath could cause C-PTSD:

As an empath, I experience other people's emotions as my own. Or even stronger than my own. I can't tell whether the emotion I am experiencing is my own or someone else's. I am highly sensitive to criticism, and I perceive acutely if someone is displeased. I don't know the reason, since I cannot read minds, but I automatically think I have done something wrong. When I grew up, I acutely felt my mother's depression and other constant negative moods. I experienced her lack of positive response to me as criticism and contempt. Every verbal abuse was magnified in my mind.
No wonder that HSP children are much more affected by trauma and abuse than neurotypical children!
Crowds totally overwhelm me. I don't look people in the eyes but look at a distant spot behind their heads, so that my eyes are unfocused, when I talk to them. Meeting new people overwhelms me, since I perceive so much of the other person and it's a lot to take in. When someone is in need of help, I feel it, but usually I feel too overwhelmed to actually help. Then I feel bad about myself.
I haven't found a switch to turn off the oversensitivity to other people's emotions, either.
Nor does It bring me closer to people. I am generally wary of people and their emotions. Being around people can be so exhausting! I need a lot of alone time to recoop. Mostly, I avoid close relationships. I love other people and I do want to be around them, but I get so easily overwhelmed. If I meet a "dangerous" person, I feel compassion for them, want to make them feel better, and feel compulsively drawn to them....

Hi fellow HSPs, 
Before I found out that I was HSP, I thought all people would experience the world as I did and suffer as much. I thought they could just cope better. And if people laughed out loud near me, I thought that they would cause me discomfort on purpose.
When I started reading about HSPs, I started asking people directly, if a sound would cause them physical pain. They said no. Some people actually enjoy loud music! I cannot fathom this. Most people actually filter incoming sensory stimuli. They can sit in a restaurant and focus on what the person sitting opposite them is saying. I can't follow a group conversation or a conversation taking place in a noisy or crowded place. Every sound is equally salient and enters unfiltered into my brain.
I thought all people would see sounds as colors and hear every letter of the alphabet and number in a different color. Then I found out it is called synesthesia. No wonder I get sensory overstimulation often, when I both see and hear sounds!
In theory, I would be able to enjoy little details of life that other people don't notice. Or be in rapture about a painting or sunset. I do appreciate beauty, but I just don't experience such positive emotions. People have told me that I have artistic talents, since I have such a good eye for details. But I don't find time to paint because I can't get a grip on my everyday life.
So, like most of you, I'm quite skeptical of seeing HSP as a "gift". I'd rather call it "sensory processing disorder."
I've been reading about the correlation between HSP and C-PTSD. Highly sensitive people are in fact traumatized more easily. Neurotypical children are more resilient. HSPs are especially prone to C-PTSD, when their perceptions and emotions were never validated. Also, trauma can cause some heightened sensitivity.
HSP is an inborn trait that about 20% of the population has. There are visible neurological differences in the brain structure. Also 20% of mammals have it. It helps the species survive, since the highly sensitive ones among them notice danger sooner and discover hidden sources of food. In hunter-gatherer societies, the HSPs are the shamans and highly revered. Unfortunately for us, in our modern society, it is neither approved of nor being considered.

Hi boatsetsailrose,
Did you enjoy yourself when you were away last time? If yes, then at least you've gained some positive memories.
I can totally relate to having difficulties with coming back from a trip. I don't do well with transitions. Any changes in the outside environment and the travelling in itself destabilize me. Even before my C-PTSD got out of control, I would struggle so much returning to work and an everyday routine. Now, I don't have an everyday routine to return to. But if I stay in one place, at least I have a familiar environment surrounding me. Both the going away and the coming back are super stressful for me. When I come back, I just want to lay in bed for a week. Therefore, I try to avoid going anywhere as much as I can.
Somebody told me that changes in location can excacerbate depression.
Of course, "Just stay home and don't go anywhere." is not the solution for everyone... 
Do be kind to yourself when you feel so fed up. If you already feel like life sucks now, it can't get much worse when you come back, right?
I totally understand that you wish you were "normal". Normal people might not have these difficulties to such an extent as we are experiencing. I don't know what it feels like to be normal, so I'm just guessing.
It's great that you have the courage to go away, even when it's difficult coming back! Have a great time! 

Hi Stout and Vigil,


I am a "highly sensitive person", or have a "sensory processing disorder", or whatever you want to call it, since birth. So loud noises cause me physical pain. It doesn't matter whether it's bird song or a truck. I always have earplugs with me. They have been fitted to my ears by a hearing aid shop.

I get sensory overload very quickly and it's not pretty. Large crowds cause visual and auditory overstimulation for me. Plus, I cannot help feeling everyone's emotions stronger than my own. In crowds, I get very irritable, have a whole-body stress reaction, and finally have a meltdown and start crying hysterically. People who know me are glad when I use earplugs.
But mostly I try to avoid crowds and noise, as much as I can. And bright lights and strong smells.
Of course, my life is kind of restricted. I can't travel, since the transition to another place overwhelms me and the movement of the vehicle or train causes sensory overload.

If you are only oversensitive to noise and crowds, it's easier to manage. I don't think there is any event worth going to when noise and crowds are involved. Or I try to manage with earplugs and don't stay too long.

Like you, when people yell or laugh loudly or just talk loudly near me, I go into a full emotional flashback on top of the pain in my ears. Sometimes I freak out and tell them to shut up. Even if it's people at a neighboring table in a restaurant.

I'm learning to leave a situation before I reach a full-blown meltdown. And somehow adjust my life. Before starting therapy, I would expose myself purposefully to loud noises and crowds as a form of causing myself pain.

Hello the aquarist,
Please believe me, you are not "bad"!!! You were probably brainwashed into thinking that. And feeling shame is part of C-PTSD. You are not leaking "poison"out to other people. I strongly believe we all have an inner core that is untouched by the abuse, pure and beautiful.
It's great that you're here!

Hi Three Roses,
I think it is a great blessing to be able to dissociate. Better than being completely overwhelmed!  Avoidance is sometimes totally justified, I think.

I totally understand that the process of healing is so, so scary.  It is unfamiliar. No wonder you dissociate, Three Roses! The inner child and other wounded parts want nothing to do with the story. Just get away, away!!!

My therapist doesn't let me tell my story or remember the past during sessions, unless I can bring my inner child to a safe place during therapy. The therapy is only between adults. I have to be able to distance myself from the events and not get overwhelmed emotionally, before we do anything.
I'm sure your therapist will also give you some exercises for stabilization. And you can still go on living like you have for the past almost 60 years, if that is what you want. But in therapy you might learn some new skills.

In my therapy, I am learning to take charge of my life as an adult. Then my inner child doesn't have to deal with difficult situations all alone. As adults, we have so much more skills and resources. But of course, it takes time. And the adult is still not fully reliable, when zoning out instead of taking charge. Slowly, I'm learning to participate more in life while protecting my inner child. Then she doesn't have to be so afraid.

Hang in there, Three Roses! You are not alone!

Hi everyone,

Did anyone of you ever wonder if they had AD(H)D?

I read on the internet that C-PTSD and AD(H)D have much in common. I can totally relate to people who have ADD. When I told my doctor I probably had ADD, she said no, it all comes from my C-PTSD. My hypervigilence and anxiety keep me from concentrating. And my feeling spaced-out is in fact dissociation.
Still, why is my mind jumping from one thought to the next before finishing one thought?  Why do I always interrupt people when they speak? And never think before speaking? Why can't I ever wait in a queue? Why do I keep forgetting things and people's faces? My mind craves constant stimulation. If people talk too slowly or talk about things that don't interest me, or they repeat themselves, I get very agitated. 
If I get interested in some bizarre topic (which has nothing to do with what I originally planned to research), I go into hyperfocus, and the world around me ceases to exist. The same goes for reading novels or watching movies. Now this could be dissociation, perhaps. And I do live more in my own fantasy world or the world of some novel/film, than the real world.
But I can't choose what catches my interest. When I'm not interested in something, I just can't get it done, no matter what the consequences. I just fidget and squirm in my seat.
During boring meetings I either storm out of the room at some point or whine out loud "Are we finished yet?". I have zero patience. How is this lack of patience linked to C-PTSD? Perhaps I just have a really low frustration tolerance? But why is it that I leave a trail of unfinished projects behind me? Why I can't organize or plan anything? I start something with a lot of enthusiasm, but very soon move on to something else. And I'm always late or get lost.
Somewhere I read a description of dissociation as follows: you ride a bus and get out at your stop. Then you realize you can't remember big parts of the bus trip and how you stepped off the bus. I step off the bus and for a moment wonder where the heck I am, where I was planning to go and what I was planning to do. Then I realize I got off at the wrong station.

Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse for my impossible behavior. I'd like to say, "Sorry, that I forgot about the appointment. It's because of my ADD. It's a neurological condition and I can't help it."  Somehow I'm more reluctant to talk about my C-PTSD.

Hi Sea Fairy,
Thanks for sharing!
It's strange, isn't it, to be well functioning and then all of a sudden it all falls apart? It must be frightening and humiliating. I congratulate you that you made it up to the age of 53, that you managed to raise kids and run a business. I mean it, I think it is an amazing accomplishment for someone who struggles with C-PTSD. 
I have actually never been highly functioning. But I was functioning to the point where I could pass off as normal. But on the inside I was always stressed and miserable, driven by my Inner Critic and having no self-esteem. It took a lot of energy to numb all my emotions and seem normal. Then, suddenly, at the age of 34, I had a mental breakdown and I could no longer hide my depression. Perhaps I ran out of energy? I don't really know. When I started intense  therapy, I stopped functioning altogether. Perhaps all my remaining energy and focus was taken up by my inner processes? The meds didn't help me in the beginning, either, since it took a while to find the right ones. Now my mood is more stable. I'm still not really functioning, but I am learning not to judge myself. Without my Inner Critic, I'm not very efficient. But perhaps one day I'll learn to act as an adult and manage my life. Who knows.
All in all, I am grateful that I had this breakdown and that I have a chance now to live a life more suited to my needs. I may not be functioning as well, but I am learning to be more at peace with myself and the world.
I wish you the best, Sea Fairy, and that your antidepressants work for you. Please don't judge yourself for ceasing to function! It must have taken you super-human strength to get this far in your life and it's understandable that you are exhausted.
Lots of love,
ChaosQueen

Hi everyone,
I used to think I was the only one obsessively fantasizing and daydreaming...
I used to chastise myself constantly but was unable to control it. I've done this ever since I can remember. The themes of the novels in my head changed throughout my life, but they are still a great entertainment and refuge.
Unfortunately, I have no control over my fantasies. During a boring meeting, I would like to escape into a fantasy world, but am unable to. But when I'm supposed to work on an important project with a deadline, I slip into La La Land and I'm gone. The whole day long I stare at the wall or my blank computer screen, miss appointments, don't eat or drink, and I'm fully absorbed in some fantasy story. When someone calls me on the phone, I can hardly speak. I forget where and who I am and what I was supposed to be doing. In a way I feel peaceful in that state, being so disconnected from my emotions and the outside world. I even get a rush of exitement, like a thrill, when I feel myself slipping away into this trance-like state.  Like a dopamin rush, perhaps. Or perhaps this is what it feels like to be high from drugs.
Now that I'm doing therapy for my C-PTSD, I've accepted my need for escaping into a fantasy world. I don't judge myself anymore. I don't feel so guilty anymore when I come to and realize all the obligations that I neglegted. This kind of dissociation helped me survive and I am grateful for the ability of my mind to create a "drug-like" state without any substance! Kind of neat... That also explains why it's highly addictive...
I actually sometimes still need to escape. Reality is just too rough. My emotions are just to intense. My fantasies seem more real to me than normal reality. I might not be the most reliable person and I can't get anything organized because I'm so spaced out, but at least I'm surviving. Slowly I'm taking part in life more and more, but I'm taking baby steps. Otherwise it's just too scary.
I think we need to be compassionate to ourselves when we have the need to escape into fantasy. It served and still serves a purpose, i.e. to survive. There are really more harmful and more costly addictions!

Hi Boatsetsailrose,
Thanks for your reply!
Yes, I've gotten into a late cycle. I hardly ever go to bed before 3AM. Then my sleep isn't really so restful... Aren't the hours before midnight supposed to be the most important for sleep?
I've been on meds since three and a half years. My meds (Wellbutrin and Effexor) keep me from sleeping, so I take them in the morning. And I take Trazadone at night to make me sleep. Maybe that's why I can't wake up. And I need at least 8-9 hours of sleep to function, which I don't always get.
I have never been able to stick to any routine in my life, unless it was enforced on me from outside. But if someone or something forces me into a routine, I get stressed out. I had a roommate once who made me follow her daily routine. That time, I somehow had a routine, but I resented my roomate for micromanaging my life.
How do people follow a routine? How do you do it? How do you manage, for example to go to bed? I'm always super focused on something in the evening and I cannot break the spell and stop doing it. For me, there is no tomorrow and I can't tell myself, "Let's finish this tomorrow". I have to stay up until I'm finished with whatever I'm working on. Tomorrow, or even the whole next week, I might not be in a mental state to do anything productive.
Or I'm stuck researching some weird topic on the internet, or reading a book, or watching youtube films. When I get absorbed, then I don't eat, drink, sleep, or even go to the bathroom for many hours. Nobody dare interrupt me! Time and reality cease to exist. The consequences of staying up all night don't enter into my consciousness. The voice of reason shouting, "Go to bed!!!" has zero impact. I can't choose what to get absorbed in. It just happens. Normally, I have such a hard time focussing and I get distracted by my co-workers. Only when I'm alone in our office at night, I get something done.
Leisure activities for me would be reading, painting or drawing, or just sitting by the seashore and looking at the waves, if I'd get the time.
Thanks, again, for your concern!
ChaosQueen

Thanks for posting this test!
I scored 71 out of 105. It was kind of an eye-opener. Oh well, perhaps my mom was and is really a narcisisst....
My only two yellow areas were "support network" and "realistic view of family". But I don't want to think of my mom as a narcisisst. That makes me feel too guilty. I don't want to blame her or think negatively of her.
One boss of mine is clearly a narcissist and everytime I have an interaction with her, I have an intense emotional flashback. Well, my mom did have some narcisisstic traits, especially when I lived with her as a kid... But perhaps she also had C-PTSD and acted out her outer critic???
Anyways, I also want to cheer ourselves on and congratulate those who made such great progress!