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Hey LBTV, I really feel for you.  My own experience with my NM was quite similar but I did get over the guilt for the most part as I acknowledged what she had done to me and why it would be retraumatizing for me to go be with her even when she was in hospice. It's a truly difficult thing for humans to do, to not attend to someone in our family when they are ill and yet it leaves us resentful and feeling used so hard to know what to do. In the end I chose me and I'm glad I did. Had I re-engaged I would have been set way back in my recovery. I did not even go to her funeral because the thought of people saying how good she was made me feel sick inside. So I didn't go and I'm good with that.

When it comes to your Dad, I suspect there are ways you might be able to get him some help by contacting social services in their area and explaining what is going on. It's likely a form of elder abuse that your NM knows he is having difficulty but won't help him. I think/hope SS would take some action on his behalf.  It may even be that your NM would also get some help if she's willing to accept it that is. It's just a tough thing when parents age and will not look out for themselves but that's why SS has some ability to act.  Just a suggestion of course.

Hope there's something helpful in this. It is a hard place to be so 

   

This time of year can be really difficult for survivors so I wanted to say that you do have a community here at Out of the Storm, peers who do understand and are behind you. You are not alone and I hope if you are struggling you will reach out and let us send some support and care your way.

  

I'm with The Big Blue, bravo for waiting and then responding versus reacting! What you wrote captured the essence of what you went through. I hope it is received as such but of course there is no telling how others will react. What matters most (IMO) is that we speak for ourselves and honour how we feel.

Kizzie

 

It is an unfortunate part of having CPTSD that so many of us feel sad and lonely at this time of year. I hope being a part of this community helps even a little. You are not completely alone as you now have a tribe here who gets it, understands and cares.

It is or can be a difficult time of year when all around you people are celebrating with family and friends or so it seems. It took a very long time for me to let go of the Hallmark version of Christmas I carried in my head and replace it with a quieter, calmer version of the holidays. Now I am able to appreciate that what I am missing is the chaos, drama, difficult feelings, etc of my family of origin.

I understand how lonely it can be and yet the time is ours to do with what we please rather than pleasing others, navigating conflict and all the other 'joys' holidays with family brought us. Some members here have chosen to make it an unChristmas, just a day for them to do what they like, eat what they want as you have said BigBlue, and focus on self and what they like to do.

I am sorry this time of year is so hard for us but we do have each other, we do understand what many of us are going through, and we do care and send our support. 

    

Thanks for starting this thread up again Hope. 

This year our son is home for a week and we're seeing friends out for dinner so nice and quiet and calm.  So-o-o nice after all the frantic years with N family members creating chaos and drama.

I hope everyone has a holiday as free from stress and upset as possible. 

 

Even well meaning people say things like "it happened a long time ago, why don't you get over it? It was the abuser's fault then but now it's your fault now for not taking control of your own life".

In 2016 I was having my knee replaced and the anaesthesiologist (had to see him before surgery) asked about CPTSD on my form.  I told him what it is and he asked "Isn't that something you could have left in your childhood?" In other words, "Why haven't you gotten over it?" just as you suggested. I didn't get angry (he was afterall going to be poking me with a needle), but did my best to explain and left it with him. Let's hope somewhere along the way he did look into it or was offered some professional development about trauma.

I do think things are getting better and that we here at OOTS are helping with that. Check out the healthcare guide we came up with - https://www.outofthestorm.website/healthcare-project.  We also have the book we put together that will be available to one and all once it's published. And if you Google complex trauma and/or CPTSD a LOT will pop up that for me indicates we're going in the right direction now. That wasn't so much the case 11 years ago when OOTS was just new. I also know there is more and more research being done to make treatment more effective and available so better times are on the horizon. All of which is to say, I hope this gives you hope that things will get better for us in terms of understanding, treatment, services and support. 

[lack of knowledge]

Sadly Saluki, I think they are always going to be those who don't have the emotional wherewithal to understand the pain of others. That said, I am all for getting our stories, needs and wants out there so those who can understand come to know about complex relational trauma and how it impacts us. The caveat for me is that we only do so if we are emotionally prepared for the possibility that we will receive negative feedback from some. 

I just did an interview with 80+ professionals about the healthcare project we did and one of them was quite dismissive of the research study part of the project and signed off the Zoom in a huff. I was shocked TBH but I realized fairly quickly they did not know much about the research approach we had used. Not to get into that, but it was their lack of knowledge that caused their reaction. The other attendees were appalled by what the person said because they understood the approach and the reason for it. This cemented the fact for me that while people are all different in how they will react to our stories of trauma, most will take away the central fact that we were terribly hurt by what happened to us and that we are deserving of validation and effective treatment, services and support.

So, I imagine there are those who read our stories as "trauma porn" and also there are those who are trolls and get off on writing negative comments. I suspect though there are many more who genuinely want to know about us, what we went through, and for some of us, are still going through. Not all will understand, but many more will   and we will have helped bring this plague of abuse/neglect out into the light and dispelled the stereotype some have of it all being our fault or of us being weak, etc. We need to be prepared for that as much as possible, and know that it comes from ignorance and a lack of empathy (which says more about them than us IMO). 
 
I'm sorry for what happened to you on the other forum, again sadly not all moderators are adept at knowing how to moderate well. 

Tks Sense Organ, I appreciate the appreciation

I hear you DD.  Betrayal runs deep but I hope now that you know you will allow yourself not to care so much about others and start caring for yourself. 

I have a long history of feeling guilty for being 'that person', the one with issues and sensitivities and reactions...  As I read your post though I realized that I am feeling less so these days and the reason is understanding emotionally not just intellectually that I am this way for good reason. I was abused, we all were (and/or neglected) and that had ramifications on the heart, body and mind as anyone here can attest to.

Would I give up being 'that person' if I could?  In a heartbeat. It isn't about attention seeking, if anything many of us hide our symptoms as best we can and then when they leak out because our mental and physical system are overwhelmed, boom we feel that guilt you write about.

In addition to now knowing that my symptoms are part of who I am because of what happened to me (the same as if I'd been in a car accident), I see now that if someone has a medical condition likes heart issues, cancer or whatever, we (society) don't hold them accountable and we understand they need to manage their health and well-being. I've come to believe that we deserve the same. It's one reason for this website, forum and for the book and healthcare project just completed - they are meant to educate others (and ourselves) about what happened to us, how it impacted us, why we deserve understanding, respect and support, and to take away the guilt so many of us feel.

I hope you will be able to let go of the guilt as you recover 
 

Welcome to Out of the Storm Noraw! 

No worries about the length of your post, it's really common for new members to write a lot because there's so much that you need to get out. The opposite also happens where it takes a new member time to post very much because they feel so vulnerable and unsafe even in an anonymous forum.

So considering what you went through and how it impacted you I think you did a great job of sharing in spite of having learned to shut down!

In terms of what treatment works it really is different for everyone. I know lots of people here do IFS, EMDR and CBT. They each seem to work for different aspects of CPTSD so it's trial and error I'm afraid. This is where we've (survivors) have had to educate ourselves as to the different approaches to the various symptoms and comorbidities of CPTSD, for example freeze and/or dissociation.

That said, when I read your post I was thinking (just my opinion), that whatever therapist you do choose needs to use a relational approach in which they work with you to feel safe and stay present. If you Google it you'll get an idea of what it is and why it might be helpful for you. Here's one description I found:

Relational therapy is a psychotherapy approach focusing on how relationships, both past and present, deeply influence emotional well-being, aiming to build healthier, more satisfying connections by exploring relational patterns, fostering vulnerability, and using the therapeutic relationship itself as a tool for healing wounds and developing trust, boundaries, and deeper self-understanding. It's helpful for anxiety, insecurity, trauma, or relationship distress, teaching individuals to recognize unhealthy patterns and form more fulfilling bonds with themselves and others.

Hope this helps!

Kizzie

Hey DD, like those who already responded I too think you've done a great job of trying to deal with an untenable situation. Someone who continues to betray me when I have told them how they make me feel or have told them to stop would be triggering for sure. It takes us to that place of fear, powerlessness and loss of control we were subjected to in our past trauma. 

A couple of thoughts I had was to be resolute in the thought that they do not deserve to take up any real estate in your head and you are going to continue to do your level best to move on/away from them. Another is to congratulate yourself on the work you have done and are doing to decrease/get rid of this trigger. 

Finally, when you must see this person would it be possible to have a buddy/friend with you throughout the event? It can feel safer having someone with you and if it's someone who knows what's going on and supports you, even better.

  I must say I like Narc Kiddo's suggestions if you feel comfortable giving them a try and your thoughts about why you may do so.    I had the thought as I was reading your post that it's positive that you do have a self-soothing voice because often members here talk about having a negative inner critic. 

Hi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm SameReflection! 

I have never done DBT but I know there are members who have so hopefully you will get some feedback.

Glad you're here with us