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Sometimes I will ask how I'd treat someone else then use that as direction for how to treat myself.

I like what EB wrote. I just attended a talk yesterday by Dr. Judith Herman  (was the first clinician to identify CPTSD) and she said exactly this. Imagine what you would say to someone who has been through what you have and then do your level best to grasp that it's your story and deserving of the same compassion and validation you would give others. 

 

Two different styles but both appealing in their own way. As an atheist I especially like the first one because I like music, art, etc that pushes back against religion. That said, I know this can cause some discomfort for those who are religious so if you're posting a response, please keep it respectful. 

Hey Lina - I must say I agree with San, self care can feel like selfishness but only because we've been trained to feel we must put others first. I particularly like what San wrote about the word "selfish" itself.

i've separated the word 'selfish' into 2 words - self and ish, or self-ish.  being aware of our 'self' and what it needs, and taking care of that 'self' is crucial.  without being self-ish, we hurt ourselves further by ignoring 'self' and what it needs to be able to perform at its peak ability. 

Spot on! 

Hi and a warm welcome LadyBoar! 

It's hard sometimes when you start into recovery to believe it was that bad, but if you have the symptoms of CPTSD, then it really was. I think it's great that you're looking for validation by the way, IMO it's such an important first step to recovery and healing. One thing that's at play in your life seems to be abuse that has carried on into adulthood (i.e., you mentioned your M see's you as an emotional dumping ground).

I think you will find as you settle in here that you are NOT crazy or selfish or any of the negative things your ICr is telling you and that compassion, comfort, support and validation are healthy.

I just want to feel like I belong somewhere and that I am seen and appreciated.

Welcome Beth:

We do get it, you DO belong here, and you will be seen and heard

Kizzie

  

 

Your post made my heart ache I must say, for you and your children. Dealing with an N is just so completely consuming and devastating as so may of us here know. There are lots more resources than there used to be, plus  family services and the justice system do have some understanding that children need to be protected from an N parent. I don't know if you've been to our sister site Out of the FOG, but it's for anyone dealing with someone who has an PD and they have lots of members and resources so you may want to check there if you haven't done so already.

You're absolutely doing the best thing by reaching out - isolation and loneliness just make the burden so much harder to bear. Here though we do understand and are supportive. It may take a while for you to feel comfortable with self-compassion or compassion from us I know. It makes sense given you've been exposed to negativity and criticism for a very long time. I had a hard time with this when I started here because deep down I was so afraid I would let myself feel it and then it would all go away. Over time though I came to welcome it and to be self-compassionate. I hope the same is true for you.

    

Sadly it seems that there is still a fee involved so you can't get it. I had hoped there would be free access at some point. 

Kizzie

    Glad to hear this Beet, hope it goes well!

I think what I didn't make clear is that it wasn't just in my head but in my heart also. That is, how I was feeling when I was thinking about this deep core wound. I think head and heart collided and merged in the moment when I realized and felt I was not the bad person my parents and I myself had been telling me I was.

Whatever works best for you though of course!    

  

Hey BB, what helped me and I think I've posted about it and talked about it in the Zoom groups is that I kept asking myself the question "Am I that bad?" for a period and one day I had an epiphany, almost a bolt of lighting that "No, I am actually a good person, decent, kind, honest, etc" because when I asked the question I would then compare myself to my abusers, the abusers I read about on this forum and in the news and I was nowhere near that. I had value and worth despite or maybe because of my abuse.

I think of you as a really decent person (e.g., look at all the time and effort you've put into helping me with this forum over the years  ), and how you try to learn and make every effort to recover. You don't see any of our abusers here making that kind of effort that's for sure.   

Anyway, I just had that wonderful, freeing thought one day that it's ridiculous (and sad) that I or any of us should feel less than, bad, etc. Challenging those kind of thoughts was a great strategy for getting rid of them.

Hope this is helpful!

Hey Marcine, I too have been married for 35+ years and part of what helped us is that we both come from a background of relational trauma. Before we knew what it was we had been through it caused problems but we figured it out together and that helped a lot.

It's a bit dicey starting a relationship with someone who is a trauma survivor but if they are working on recovering it can end up being a strength. My H and I are able to talk openly when one or the other's symptoms kick in and that means we are able to ground ourselves rather than expend energy hiding our feelings.

I don't know that this is much help given the underlying suggestion here is to find a fellow recovering survivor  My other suggestion would be to work on boundaries and taking care of you versus everyone else. That way you'll likely notice/attract more men who are healthier rather than being drawn to or attracting those who have unresolved trauma or are abusive.

Just some thoughts, I hope they help!   

Hey Beet, we have some forms and resources that might be useful here - https://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads.
Note that there's one "Locating a Therapist" that has questions you can ask.

Good luck!

Kizzie