Messages

Hi and welcome to OOTS Rose. I'm so glad you decided to post and that you want to start a journal.  It's the most popular part of the site because we can tell our history and share our thoughts and feelings with others who as you say know what you're talking about.

Hello and welcome to OOTS VB1921:). I am so sorry to hear about all of the abuse you suffered. I very much hope being here will help you to feel connected, heard and supported on your path to recovery.

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS HereToHeal    That's awesome you found an amazing T, often it can take a while. Sorry to hear about your F's treatment of your M, relational trauma is so deeply wounding.  I hope being here helps you to move forward in recovery.   

As I said, we are all caring adults here and we actually do understand the what you need and want. That said, we all have very traumatized kid parts here so it's actually quite insulting and even somewhat provocative when you say we don't understand. Just because you're not getting the response you want doesn't mean we don't care. We're just trying to point out that what you want you may never get and part of recovery means working on giving yourself those things. That's how we help one another, by being honest and open in a respectful and caring way.

So by all means please carry on looking for what you want and need, but best to "read the room" here and move on from talking about this. 

What's truly heartbreaking is that even in a CPTSD forum—a place where understanding and compassion should thrive—so many people fail to grasp just how profound this need is. It's not about being unrealistic; it's about survival. After everything my kiddo has endured—untreated illnesses, relentless abuse, isolation—they need and deserve a caregiver who is truly willing and able to meet them where they are.

Instead of questioning whether this kind of caregiving exists, we should be supporting those who need it and affirming their right to dream of it. Dismissing the possibility or framing it as something unattainable doesn't help—it invalidates the depth of what they're seeking. My kiddo isn't asking for the impossible. They're asking for what anyone in their situation would desperately need: someone who can finally let them rest.

Understanding and compassion are here in spades and we all very much do get the needs and wishes you are hoping to be filled by someone else. We all have a huge hole in our hearts that needs filling. So, if you want someone to look after kiddo you that's fine, just respect the fact that members don't agree with this approach to recovery and don't keep asking for approval you aren't likely to get. We are adults here and can agree to disagree so maybe just let this drop now. 

Maybe it's not so much wanting to control others, but just wanting to be heard and have your thoughts/ opinions/ knowledge validated and not dismissed? And honestly, who doesn't want that? Feeling like she's against you can be really triggering I know.

Is there any chance you would have a talk with her about what you sense is going on and why this might be so? You managed to work through conflicts with the other group you mentioned and maintain a good relationship so perhaps you can do this with her also.

Just my thoughts, but personally I'm of the opinion that "If you can name it you can [begin to] tame it." Just as importantly, if therapists are able to correctly identify what we are suffering from then they will be better informed when treating us.

[you are trying]

If you were exhausted going into the meeting yesterday then you were not at your strongest so be kind to yourself.  This doesn't mean you won't be in better form for the next meetings.

If you do know that you know what you're talking about maybe plan to simply say to her when she veers off course, "I disagree with what you're saying because ....." If she pushes back, stand your ground respectfully but firmly. She likely will continue to push but think of all those kids you're speaking up for, they need you to be resolute.

If you can't do this just yet, again please be kind to yourself. You have not failed. You've had years of training when it comes to not speaking truth to someone else's pushiness and you are trying so bravo to you! 

This topic has been moved to General Discussion.

https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=16445.0

I feel like I'm always sacrificing my happiness, my peace, my health for people who don't even care about me. I don't know how much more I can take, but I just want to be seen, to be respected, and to be allowed to exist without feeling guilty for taking care of myself.

BlueTeddy, I don't think your family will ever give you what you want. Just my thoughts here but I think you need to set boundaries and stop trying to please or appease them.  It just makes things worse in the case of people like them. You will remain the scapegoat until you say "No more" and establish clear, firm boundaries about how you are to be treated. Unfortunately the are likely to push back so you must stand firm until they stop (but it's not likely they will ever be who you deserve them to be, they will just behave a bit better), or leave the household and live as you want to live without all the abuse.

Hey Mathilde, as long as you are angry and full of rage for those who abused you and not yourself, you are on the right path to recovery IMO.  If you re-read your post I think it speaks volumes to the fact that you should be angry, a lot was dumped on you when those involved refused to take any responsibility for their actions. 

Now the sad, very hard to take part.  Most of our abusers never do change nor admit any responsibility or wrong doing.  Typically they are narcissists or broken in ways that don't make sense to those of us who do see things as they really are. It is one of the hardest things to do, accept that that is. We need to move from anger and rage to grief to acceptance that we were dealt a really bad hand I'm sorry to say.

I am not a person of faith so personally I believe we have every right to our anger and rage, that it is likely necessary to heal. I personally don't believe we need to forgive our abuser (but yes forgive ourselves for thinking we played a part in the abuse - we did not), but instead we need to recognize who was responsible for all our hurt and pain, anger and grieve about that, and then move on in our lives to something better, healthier.

Just my thoughts of course. 

One person who is a good example of intergenerational trauma is actually Martin Miller, son of the famous Alice Miller who wrote many well known and dare I say beloved books on trauma. 

We have an article by him in our blog about the abuse he suffered by his mother and father. See https://www.outofthestorm.website/guest-bloggers/2019/4/28/how-victims-become-perpetrators-passing-war-trauma-on-to-your-own-children. He also wrote a book "The True Story of the Gifted Child". He is clear that he believes his mother was traumatized during WWII, "war trauma" he calls it, in which forgetting was the only recourse she had.  But it wasn't dormant really, it impacted her behaviour perhaps unknowingly, perhaps not. Whatever the case she did not want to address her suffering. So even though she knew about trauma she still 'gifted' her children with her trauma because it was not something she acknowledged in herself and the times were such no-one spoke of these things.

Looking further back it's easy to to see how much generations before her were traumatized by unrest and hard times in general. For time immemorial no-one has really spoken about trauma which  for me is the key factor in why IGT of trauma kept occurring. Still, no-one really identified CPTSD until Dr. Judith Herman in the 1990s and now we know what it is and have more tools and understanding to break the cycle.

I was really afraid to have children too, but we had a son and I was determined not to treat him like my NM and alcoholic F treated me. Happily, he is a loving, caring young man who knows about my trauma and how it impacts meso he understands it is not him on the occasions when I am triggered or whatever.

So I do think it is possible to end the intergenerational transfer of trauma. More of this active cycle breaking will happen (IMO) as more people come to know about trauma and CPTSD which is one reason for OOTS - to pass knowledge and tools along.  Here's "A Love Letter to the Cycle Breakers"  you might enjoy. It always touches me deeply because I know so many of us are trying our best not to pass our trauma along. https://www.motherhoodandmore.com/a-love-letter-to-the-cycle-breakers/

Hey Claire, I just joined the Canada Anti-hate network so I wouldn't feel so frightened of what's happened in the US.  It helps me feel I know what's going on, participate in rallies and protests and connect with others like me who are pushing back against the fascism that's creeping into all countries.  I think a women's group would be great for you.

That was such an excellent program you had access to, I'm thrilled to know there are efforts like this being made. We need far more of them in different arenas besides college so we reach more survivors.

 

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Claire. So sorry to hear life has been hard lately and I hope by being here and talking with other survivors it will help to lift that to some degree.

I'm curious about the program for survivors you mentioned at your college. Was that actually for those suffering from Complex PTSD? I take it that once you've left college it's not open to you anymore? I wonder if those running the group would be open to setting up something for graduates as it's really hard to lose that kind of support and connection just because you've graduated. It might be worth asking as if they are in social work or mental health they will get that.

I hear you about the election being a real blow. I'm in Canada and honestly I am sad and depressed about it too.  He will impact not only the US but countries around the world sadly. I feel like democracies are losing to those who are on the right and take a page from the playbook of fascists so I joined a group here yesterday called the Canada Anti-Hate Network. It gives me a sense that I am doing something about the threat, not being overwhelmed by it or simply letting it happen to me as I had to do in an abusive household when I was a child. Perhaps you could join a group there, I'm sure there are a lot of them, especially those dealing with women's rights.

I hope you find this a safe and supportive community 



 

[relational]

Tks for this SO      Shame is definitely something we all know about here and could use some help with. Interestingly, I see that she is  a relational psychotherapist, clinical supervisor, and a founding faculty member of the Toronto Institute for Relational Psychotherapy so it's likely a good fit for OOTS members.