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I feel the same about any pets we have had over the years that got sick, although fortunately I didn't have to deal with my parents taking care of them. I could feel how that must feel for you though and I'm sorry you had that to deal with on top of everything else you have going on. 

I'm very glad to hear the cat is doing better now and that your parents are getting it the care it needs.  

I do remember you WhoBuddy, welcome back! 

That's quite the revelation about your M. I did Google "parents with autism" and there is quite a bit from various organizations although not much in academic journals apparently. Here's just one I found. I don't know if it quite matches what you've said about your M - https://heller.brandeis.edu/parents-with-disabilities/pdfs/autism-parent-factsheet.pdf. I suppose it matters where on the spectrum a parent is.

In any event, I think what matters is how it affected you and from the sounds of it you needed to be invisible a lot of the time to avoid her anger so developing CPTSD is not a surprise. My M was a narcissist due to trauma in her own life and it was the same for me. Even though I can now feel some compassion for her because of what brought her to be an N, I still have a lot of feelings about losing my childhood and ending up struggling with CPTSD.

Hopefully there will be a few members whose parent(s) were autistic who can share their experiences.

Hey Mia - I went for EMDR with two different therapists. The first one was for CPTSD in general and I found the same thing - where to start, what to focus on...  The T also did not do any grounding exercises with me. I came away from 2 sessions with two pretty bad EFs so I quit.

A few years later I went to a different T for EMDR because I had a specific issue I wanted to deal with and it went really well. She did grounding exercises with me and we focused on the issue I was there for (although we did end up branching out a bit to a few tied issues/events and that went well also). 

Anyway, all this is to say as you start to find your way around your trauma, you may be able to discern specific instances that you could deal with in EMDR. Each instance of neglect does equal death by a thousand cuts just like the instances of emotional abuse I suffered were. They all ran together at first but as I began to understand my abuse, I saw the behaviours both individually and as a whole that had caused me to develop CPTSD.

Hope this is helpful     

Hey Seeking Support, I like what Mia had to say about finding support and connection - it's such an important (but difficult) thing for us to try and do; that is, build trust in others despite wanting to run away, isolate ... I think you're in the same place Mia was so I hope this gives you hope to carry on with finding that support and connection here and IRL. I also hope being here gives you some of what you're looking for.

I went into my cave and licked my wounds and eventually sought support from people who had been in similar circumstances.  I can say that I purged a great deal and once I came out of this "assessment period," my trusting of people (which had never been so great) was difficult; but, I did learn that there are real people in this world that are capable of simply caring about another person without an agenda. It's always amazing to me that total strangers can have a much better understanding of me as a human being than people who have been in my life for 60+ years.

Yes dang it we ARE doing it San. Yay us!    And we definitely DO deserve some-actually a lot of-kindness and serious consideration. 

Good on you for educating your EMDR colleagues     It's a good example of how some real good can come from spreading the word. 

Layla, I searched DID/OSDD/PDID and online sites and found several sites. This one in particular sounds like what you are looking for - Multiplied By One Org. There is a small fee but for those that can't afford it, there's a form to be exempted. 

You are more likely to find the community you are looking for there (or at a similar site) as it is specifically for those with DID/OSDD/PDID. Given that OOTS is for those with CPTSD I'm not certain there are many (if any) here with or who know much about DID/OSDD/PDID. As such, you may end up not getting replies to your posts because of that and I would hate to see that happen. 

There are also a number of other sites I found so maybe do a search of DID/OSDD/PDID and online sites so you can find a community that knows more about these diagnoses than we do. We all need community and there do seem to be ones that are a better fit than here.

I hope this is helpful. 

 

It can be difficult for family members to understand but at least your H is leaving you to it which I imagine is a relief. My NM often used the silent treatment which is a form of abuse. Until I knew she was an N and this was a tool in her arsenal it drove me crazy. Glad to hear it doesn't affect you!     

Awesome to hear that you participated although I'm sorry to hear you had a bit of a reaction. Studies usually have a contact that you can talk to after you participate in case of reactions. Sometimes it's just good to know there is someone (trained) in case you need them.

Also good to hear about being able to reduce your dose of the neuroleptic!

Feb 27th - Here's a new video "Trauma: It's More Complex Than You Think" - a presentation by trauma researcher, clinician and psychology professor Dr. Colette Smart from the University of Victoria in British Columbia, Canada.

Link - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuKHO0vHEa0

Hey Seeking to Survive, a lot of new members feel as you do so not to worry.

There are a lot of guidelines in place to ensure members treat each other with respect, tolerance and kindness. They came about because early on there were a lot of trolls who joined just to make trouble, and also members who did not quite know how to behave toward others (which makes sense give trouble with relationships is one of the symptoms of CPTSD). The first threatened this community and the latter disrupted it, thus the guidelines. You need not fear putting a foot wrong or needing to write perfect posts though. If something crosses the line I will edit your post and send you an email explaining why.

As for the size of the forum, it is large and takes a while to feel your way around, but as it is for survivors of complex trauma with complex PTSD, the sub-forums are meant to capture the complexities of what we live with. If you go slowly as others have suggested I think you'll feel comfortable fairly quickly.

Hi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm BlueJayWay    And well done you for the recovery work you've been doing! I hope being here will help you get further along. 

Hey NK, I hear you on the revulsion to your NM in particular. As I was reading your post I remembered a poster who said she would actually feel sick around her NM and that light went off as it often does here. I felt the same but also realized I felt quite guilty, as though I couldn't bear to clearly see her as she was. That was the moment, however, that I felt those feelings rise to the surface. I could see how broken, cruel and manipulative she was and that was hard because she was my M.

It wasn't something I wanted to feel about her but looking back I think feeling sick being near her helped me to be able to step away from her. Prior to that I had been very enmeshed and afraid of pulling back. I guess what I'm saying is that perhaps the revulsion means you are seeing her as she is and that is so hard to do when it's your own M. And maybe the revulsion will help you shield yourself so she doesn't poison you and/or your life? It is one of those very difficult things in recovery--feeling those things about our parents that are so hard to acknowledge. We do hunger for our parents love and when we finally realize we've never had that and never will have it, it's profoundly sad and even a bit frightening, or so I found.

As always, just my thoughts of course but I wish you well in figuring this out with your T   

Hi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm Doug    Great to hear you had some good therapy and you've gotten to a point where you can work on your CPTSD symptoms. That's some good recovery you've accomplished!

I'm glad you found us and I hope OOTS will be of help to you. Many of us find we feel like we belong here unlike often feeling a bit alien or different around non-survivors as you've said you do.

I suspect/hope as you read and post you'll be able to focus in on the symptoms you still struggle with. It is difficult as you say but having others in your corner can really help.

 


 

Are you able to afford a therapist Erik? That might be a good place to start if you want to move forward in recovery. You may also find being here helpful as members understand what you going through and it can be a bit of release talking with us. One section a lot of members post in is the journals section here - https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=61.0.