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Welcome ph0e I truly hope we can help you on your journey. *extends hand to shake. This site has been a tremendous help to me as I'm sure it will be for you as well.

I found out most of my Dad's history when I was 15 yrs old while he was in the psyche ward after a suicide attempt. My grandfather was physically and emotionally abusive to his children and my grandmother, plus the addition of severe sexually abuse from a neighbor and another place. This explains not only my dad's quick sometimes over reactive temper, and I think also his need to literally work himself into the ground to see that we had whatever he thought we wanted. My mother when I was growing up, seemed alot times like a child herself, was a severe germiphobe, And I suppose some would say self absorbed, you couldn't confide anything to her, my sisters would know by the end of the day. Both parents were good at saying just exactly what would hurt you most. I know somewhat what landed me here, my sisters were sexually abused by our uncle as well as all 4 of us being emotionally abused by his wife (my mom's oldest sister), causing some severe disorders in them, I hid in my room many days listening to screaming, hitting, and objects being thrown, I got to where I thought it was "normal" no matter how much I hated it. 90% of the time I got caught in the crossfire and either punched kicked scratched or hit by a projectile, at to the mix bullying at school.The relationship I've been in the past 10 yrs has either proliferated the disorder or just added a whole new wrinkle to it. Sorry I didn't mean to hijack.

*sighs i do care about myself, I want to move on from this situation, but how? I cant bear to leave my children stuck on her rollercoaster.

Sorry if I offended anyone, I'm just really confused and frustrated right now.

I'm not quite sure I care if I take care of myself anymore, I know I've given up on relationships, what's the point? The next one will cheat too,oh she'll swear she's not like the others I've been with, but they all are aren't they? Yep. How could she do it? Swear she loves me, that she'd never be that way, never hurt me like that, then be worse then the other 2 combined. I don't understand, what did I do to deserve that? I gave her everything, I wore rags for her, starved, went blind, * she broke my hand and I went without resetting it. I just can't do it anymore. I want to tear her apart, I want her to hurt as I have hurt, but I can't, I'm just not as cold blooded as she is. It kills me the condition she let this apartment get into. I just don't know. I've never been this hurt.

Your probably right, but everytime i get fed up and try to leave she throws the kids in and says I'm walking out on them again, which in itself is funny considering that the last 2 times I left the kids went with me.

 I think what hurts what drives me insane really....she let herself go for those guys last summer....something I haven't been able to get her to do for the whole 10 yrs of our relationship. Doing for them things she would never in a million years do for me.

I keep replaying this one line in my head, over and over....

To the heart and mind, ignorance is kind, theres no comfort in the truth, pain is all you'll find.

Ok, well I stay angry, frequent panic attacks, and exhaustion with memory lapses. I have had 4 heart attacks in the last two years. No I don't have a therapist, it has been pretty much made clear any attention on myself is superfluous and egotistical therefore unfair to the kids. My mind races, it won't shut down, so I can't sleep, lots of flashbacks, etc.

*sighs I don't know how long I can keep going like this, I feel so emotionally drained. I watch a movie, or hear a song that goes on about love, that feeling or "omg your the one! I'll never need anyone else, instant bond, yarda yarda yadda.... It tears my heart out, I mean causes physical pain sometimes to know I no longer feel that with my "gf", aamf there's times I downright hate her. I know there's no going back its gone to far, too much damage. I'm here for the kids, but I don't want to be like my uncle, stay with an unfaithful uncaring woman solely for the kids, die alone in my car from an alcohol induced heart attack. I want to be happy again, I don't care if I meet anyone new, I just want to be able to live my life for once without having to "just settle". Sorry I had to vent.

The authorities never really made any effort to find them and i don't know there names just the info from the father because he confronted you know who in front of my gf

Ty whats sad is he was accused of molesting someone else's 4 yr old as well but still goes free

Sorry I took so long to reply, I can't get on my phone much these days, my "girlfriend?" Gets really jealous if I even look at my phone, starts insulting me, belittling me etc. Anyway, she's started hanging out with her sister and blw again (the one our 6 yr old accused of molestation). That daughter refuses to go choosing to stay with Daddy, but I'm forced to let her take our youngest around him. My gf now refuses to believe anything happened to our daughter, swears CPS ruled that I lied, and there's the issue where our daughter won't say anything and or denies it. She is autistic, she doesn't talk to anybody, it was a minor miracle she spoke to me. And I know why she won't say anything to her mother. I've been there, the child is afraid to say something about a friend of hers and who is also family.

Just wanted to say I know your pain, 10 yrs, she has been verbally, emotionally , and at times physically abusive. kI know the feeling of being trapped and hopeless, I truly hope you can find some comfort. Peace be with you.

I almost left a couple days ago, my whatever you want to call her, has started having severe "temper" issues, worse then ever before, she gets downright violent with our children, two of which as you know are handicapped, my 6 yr old has the mentality off a 2 or 3 yr old. She will scream hysterically at them,and jerk them up slamming them into whatever's in the path (cardoors, coffee tables, cabinets, etc. Anyway she has been very I'll tempered toward me for about 3 weeks now, the other day, she stared her "famous" smarting of and insulting me under her breath, then started screaming at me and insulting me visciously, so I grabbed my keys to "go for a drive", my 4 and 6 yr old followed me out, I picked my 6 yr old and started carrying her to the car, her mother threatened to call the police if I took the child, the told the child I was leaving and never coming back. She told me I wasn't allowed to come back into her house, then called me a worthless piece of #$@& for abandoning my kids. So....things are bad here. Will text more later.