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I have literally just got home from my session and felt I needed to type this out quickly. I never write this quickly after a session so this is unusual and this is only about one very tiny aspect of my session but it has thrown me.

** Trigger warning ***

It was about 25 past the hour, 5 minutes before my session was due to end.  We had spoken about a lot of things but was currently talking about my narcissistic mother.  I told T that I had thought to myself this morning I wonder what my relationship with my body would be like if it she hadn't said all the things she did.

T said absolutely I would.  She said that now that I know that things she said weren't true, I could let go of certain beliefs etc.  I said well, it isn't quite that easy. I believe the things she told me about my physical appearance.  I said that those particular messages have got in too deep for me to suddenly not believe anymore.

T asked me for an example and I said, well for example, my nose.  She seemed surprised and asked what was wrong with my nose. I felt embarrassed and said I hate it and my mother always told me it was "a nose from my Dad's family".  I said it made me very conscious and I hated having my photo taken from side profile.

She seemed genuinely shocked and told me that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my nose and that it was "bollocks" (said quite angrily).

The thing is though, of course she's going to say that isn't she? She isn't going to look at me and say "ah yeah, it is * isn't it?".. so I can't believe her.  I told her that my boyfriend sometimes grabs my nose and says how it is "cute" or "sweet" but that I hate it and I used to really want a nose job... but that was before I had my boob job.

T said that her words were absolute bollocks and that we need to resolve this once and for all. I felt all hot and then burst into tears.  She said "you really do believe you have a horrible nose, don't you?" I said yes I do.

She then said "if you have a baby and your baby has your nose, will you hate that too?!" she sounded angry but I understand she was just trying to get through to me. I said no, of course not.

She said that all the things my mum picked on about my physical appearance was through jealousy because she is hollow. I told her that can't be true because the things she picks on about me, she has better.  For example, if she says I am fat – she is skinny.  She said that because she is a narcissist, she just can't bear that I am different to her.  Different is bad in her world, that's all.

I was a crying mess and shocked at how quickly that had escalated.  I looked at the clock and it was half past so I pulled my handbag towards me, still crying and trying to wipe my face.  She said to take a minute and that I didn't have to rush off.  I wanted to stay and I had more to say but I've never stayed past my session time and I didn't want to overstay my welcome... plus I was really embarrassed.

I got in the car and just broke down. I sobbed. I've never done that before. I was conscious the whole time that she could see me from the window if she had looked out and I didn't want her to see me... or did I? I didn't want her to see me crying and come out to my car to console me.. hug me... or did I? Aghh the tears are running again.

I drove home feeling very out of it and blaring out some angry music really loudly. I actually drove past my house and went the long way around because I was enjoying singing along and releasing some of this emotion/energy.. whatever it is.

The thing is, I haven't even got started on the things I hate about my body because of my mum, but the sad thing is, I don't want to tell her because she will try to make me feel better and I won't believe her. Because it is embarrassing and because, as stupid as it sounds, I don't want to point things out to her in case she hasn't noticed before and then does.

I had a boob job because she told me I looked like a boy. She made me have one. Okay, that's a bit unfair because she couldn't force me obviously, but she pushed it and pushed it and then she had her's done and told me how wonderful it had made her feel so I had one too. I was petrified and although I like having breasts when wearing clothes, I can't bear how they feel and often wish I hadn't had it done. This was before I started therapy and when I was completely caught in my need to get her approval.  Before I understood the unhealthy dynamic.

Do I tell her that looking at my legs makes me want to be sick? That I used to have visions of getting a knife and slicing off some of the (excess) fat that cling to them? That I still do sometimes when I am on the toilet or in the bath? She used to tell me I had "[Dad's family] legs" too... just like the nose.

She used to make me feel utterly * when my legs were on show. She one compared my legs to my best friend's when I was about 15 and on my way out in front of her. I have never forgotten that.

Do I tell T that THAT is why I always cover myself up in her office with my coat or a cushion? because I don't want her or me to have to see my fat legs? and that when she asked me why I cover myself up, I pretended I didnt know.

Do I tell T that I tense my legs so much they ache most nights? That when I was learning to drive I used to tense them so they didn't go flat against the seat and look even fatter? that THAT is why I don't wear shorts in the summer? that THAT is why I prefer the winter because I get to cover up? That THAT is why I stopped eating as a child and why she hid the scales from me because I became obsessed?

I don't know how I feel right now. Is it anger? is it rage? sadness? I don't know.

I hate the thought that I am left with this * now and I have to wait until Tuesday night now which already feels like a million years away.

My tears won't stop running and I feel *.

Oh sorry San I didn't log on and see this until now (10pm) I'm so sorry! 

I totally feel for you and understand your feelings completely. You will be fine but you know that already, do this to prove to yourself that you're strong and independent! Another thing to add to your list of qualities.

Keep us all in mind when you're there tomorrow - hold onto us in your head. You have our love and support !!

Xxx

Ah thank you! Me too hehe.  Is this a normal part of the process or just a me thing??

SERIOUSLY impressed San!! AMAZING.

[Session Tuesday 7th March 2017]

Session Tuesday 7th March 2017 - another copied post from my bog (unpackingthesuitcaseblog.wordpress.com)

When I walked into T's room last night the first thing I noticed was the lovely smell. I told T that it smelt nice and she told me that she had a new candle. I said "Ah! see, I noticed!" – I do not know why I felt the need to say that. Bit cringe really... but I put it down to how awkward I feel the first minute or so of therapy.

I always feel a bit uncomfortable at the fact that she is watching me as I walk in, take off my coat, gather myself. There is a bit of a pause where I never know what to do and then she (eventually ) asks me "How is Twink?".  This is a phrase she has always used and something that I've always noticed.  Normally people say "how are you".  I'm not sure why I've always noticed that so much.  Perhaps it is the use of my name or something?

I told her that I was good! I was smiling and happy. I then started to say that I felt very happy and that I had been reflecting a lot on my journey to date and felt... something.. I wasn't sure what the right word is [Note that I did know the word, because I wrote it in my blog yesterday and that word was "moved" but I felt embarrassed saying that].  She said that perhaps since she is back I am able to use her as a secure base and it allows me to feel more supported and steady.  I agreed and said definitely.

T explained to me that by the end of therapy, I would have built a new attachment pattern "next to" the insecure one.... I thought "What??" Next to?? Not instead of??" I didn't like the sound of that and so I questioned that and asked if she meant I would always have that insecure attachment?  She said yes, because you can't forget what you know – you can't forget that you've been through trauma or abused etc. but that the new relationship with T will build a new pattern which will lay next to the insecure one and I will be able to trip to that so to speak.  That was a shame but I guess it makes sense.

She said that she felt since I had started going twice a week rather than once a week, it had allowed me to really get stuck in which I agreed with.  She said she felt that "Coming once a week was counselling, but coming twice a week was therapy".

I told her that I felt so glad I had found her and started therapy. I said I had been thinking what might have happened if I had found someone else and ended up in the wrong type of therapy or with the wrong therapist. She told me that even if I had, I would have known that I was getting what I needed and found myself the right type of help eventually. I said I wasn't so sure and thought that if I had ended up not getting the help I needed that it might have put me off for life.

I told her that I was so glad I came back to her even after my numerous attempts at running away and how I hadn't realised at the time that was what I was doing. She said, and I loved this...

"I always hoped you would come back. I asked the universe to help you find your way back here"

Gah! How lovely. I played it pretty cool when she said this but it has replayed in my head a few times since. What a lovely thing to hear. She WANTED me back.  I wasn't just an inconvenience who she thought she had to see. She actually wanted me there. Big smiles inside for me.

**does victory dance around the room***

I said again that I couldn't explain exactly how I felt [again, I could, just didn't want to embarrass myself] and she said..

"perhaps you feel moved?"

HA!!! Moved. The exact word I used yesterday!! Attunement at its finest. With that, I started to cry. Just a few, silent tears as I spoke to her. I felt so understood and connected in that moment. It was beautiful. I felt love, that is the only way I could describe it. I felt embarrassed that I was crying over this so said "see I'm being sentimental today!" and laughed to cover up the fact I felt silly. 

I told her that I could see a brighter future at last told her what I had written yesterday about how I felt I had made improvements and I was finally more in touch with my feelings – that my defenses were coming down at last. I said that my inner-dialogue had softened and I wasn't as critical as I used to be. We spoke a bit about dissociation and people with DID. She told me that if I had one more traumatic thing in my life as a child, she had no doubt I would have developed DID.  She said if my (sexual abuser) had got to me at a younger age, or abused me for longer, then she was sure I would have.  She told me that the mind is extremely clever and that although not helpful anymore, at the time it was the only way to survive and was actually very helpful really and very clever.  I told her about my ability to dissociate on purpose as a child and I told her how I used to do it and that I can't do it anymore (I've tried).  She told me that I would have done that to split off the agonising and terrifying feelings that were too much for me as a child.

I told her that I was in touch with that feeling during the break (in emotional flashback) and that although it sounds very dramatic now, it really DID feel like life or death.  I said I was pained for the little me who would have felt that way and she told me that I wouldn't have felt that way because I split it off – and that is what I am dealing with now. I said I guess I would rather deal with it now, as an adult that think of any child having to feel that way.

T told me about a film called "Sybil" which was about a woman who developed multiple personality disorder due to a traumatic childhood. She said I could borrow it if I wanted to. I said I would love to. My mind immediately thought that I would like to borrow it and that I would no doubt use it as a "transitional object". I would watch it knowing it was hers, knowing it was something she liked, knowing we could talk about our thoughts on it together afterwards etc.  I wondered whether she probably knew that. I wondered whether she might forget this offer and hoped she wouldn't.

I asked T why she thought I couldn't reach out to her during the breaks when I felt as bad as that? She said that basically I need to reach out and have my needs met over and over again and that eventually I would rewire my brain, but before I can do that automatically I need to really learn it is safe.  She explained that as a child I would have known I wouldn't have been responded too and even worse, she thought I probably did reach out and was ignored which is why I can't do it now as an adult.  I queried my understanding and said "So I have to reach out to you and have you respond over and over again?" She said yes.

We spoke about how during the process I might not always feel so positively towards T and that I might get very angry with her. I told her that I wasn't looking forward to that happening. She told me she didn't tell me this to scare me, but that she thought it might help me to not be so scared of it if it happens.  She told me that she remembers experiencing it with her own T (I love hearing stories about her own therapy) and she told me that one time she was particularly raging and attacking towards her T. I asked whether she felt embarrassed or stupid afterwards and she said she didn't, because she understood some of the reasons behind it on reflection.  I told her that I always feel embarrassed after I've been angry (or very sad actually) and gave a recent example of being * with my other half when I couldn't find my keys one morning and him doing the same thing last night before I left for my session, how we were both always embarrassed after our outbursts.

I told her that me and my other half had a conversation on Sunday about some feelings he was having over his Dad being away at the moment. I told her that he had opened up to me and we had spoken about how he felt. He said some very similar things to how I felt when T was on holiday and I completely understood where he was coming from. It was a nice moment. An authentic connection and it had left me feeling rather content and happy.  She said it was really good that he had allowed himself to be vulnerable and that it showed he had taken on board what we had discussed [relationship triangles].  I was so glad.  She said that I was "sending out different signals".  I wasn't sure if I was or not but said that I hoped so.

We spoke about when I have a baby and the things I said in my post yesterday. She said "We need to get you able to tolerate mess".  She explained that included physical mess (untidiness, poo, wee, sick and also, emotional 'untidiness').  This was something we had discussed before.  She told me that the reason I had such extreme OCD as a young child would have been an attempt at controlling something. I told her that I was aware I could be a control freak and was like this at home when it came to chores and cooking. I never accepted or asked for help, ever and that I was trying hard to change that.  She told me that I learnt to be very self-sufficient but that I could relax more now.  I told her I knew this might be something I struggled with when I had a baby – having to "share" the baby with my other half and not try to control everything. She said that we could keep talking about it all.

We spoke about breastfeeding/bottle-feeding and I told her that I really liked the thought that when I had a baby, I would be allowed to bring baby with me to see her at first. She said only at the beginning when I was totally preoccupied with baby. I told her that I had told my other half that she had said this and that I was excited about the prospect but that he hadn't really understood why it was such a big deal. She smiled (I wondered what she thought).

All in all, a really lovely session. I felt very happy when I left and drove home feeling very content. I am already looking forward to tomorrow's session and hope that I can get more of this good stuff and "soak it in" as someone said yesterday.   It is such a wonderful feeling that I wish would stay forever.

Ah sorry, I didn't get to you quickly enough!!! Thank you in any case for reading them all. There was so much, must have taken you ages!!! I am always worried not to trigger someone else.

Oh wow, you really have had a lot of losses in your life. I can't imagine how you've come through all of that such a wonderfully caring person. That is a tribute to you. 

I am so glad you have your brother, daughter and your hub but you also have me and others you have connected with on here or wherever else you might speak to people. I often think of you and hope you are doing well.

I didn't know you were a therapist?!! Wow that is incredible, I would LOVE to be a therapist one day. How amazing is that, do you still work?

xx

Ah sanmagic, you made me cry!!!! Thank you so much for your amazing words. How touching.  The words you used to describe me at the end of your post have really touched me deep within me somewhere and made me feel emotional!! (in a good way!).  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I didn't want or expect you to have to read all of that! I just felt I should update my journey on here as I had been neglecting it due to the new blogging experience.  Thank you for the feedback of my blogging entries, it is hard to know if you are doing okay! I am fighting against feeling stupid compared to some of the things I read on there where people sound so intellectual compared to me!

Thank you for your opinion on erotic transference - you have made total and complete sense to me and now I don't feel half as scared about it happening as I did. You really do have a way with words you know?! I get it completely.... the only thing I guess that is left a little unanswered for me is that obviously in the therapy relationship/transference there is no physical touch - I completely get the craving for the experience on an emotional level though and think I am already in touch with that with T. I have come to realise quite how dependant I've become on her.

I am sad and sorry to hear that you didn't get any affectionate touch from your parents either. I completely get what you say about how you used your own touch to "fill that hole" so to speak. I think I did the same in terms of having constant relationships, sometimes one after the other, sometimes overlapping right back from being at school - I think I was constantly searching for physical touch, holding and acceptance which I now understand could never have come from a man (boy).

Thank you again for being here for me on this journey. I feel quite emotional about it today and yesterday - I feel quite aware of how amazingly special this opportunity to heal is. I feel so much gratitude that I have found my way to T and get the chance to be seen, heard, held in mind, understood on an intimate level and many, many more things that I missed out on. I feel weirdly emotional about it all, I don't know why!! weird, but lovely.

x

PS - Please do not try and catch up on my last few weeks because I've just posted on my journal and there is HEAPS of writing. Please don't use up your energy or your remaining units on it!! I can summarise for you instead if you wanted to hear about it xx

I agree with you, unfortunately it never changes (for long) anyway.  People like that don't often change. I've began to think of it like this: Because of my history and my C-PTSD etc, I attracted toxic people. People that liked control and I was the type of person who were normally seeking validation and acceptance so probably accepted a lot of * that I shouldn't have.... it's repetition compulsion at it's finest - we repeat the painful patterns because although they are awfully painful, they come with a familiar sense of "home" about them.. if that makes sense?

I am trying to tell myself that on my journey to heal, I have to cut these old patterns off, no matter how painful that may be now - with the knowledge that in the future, I will thank myself for it and be able to attract different people, people that are kind and genuine.

But the guilt is strong. It is one of my biggest problems in trying to heal from a narcissistic mother - and a narcissistic friend. Carrying their guilt and it still feels like it belongs to me although it doesn't.

XX

[TODAY]

TODAY

What does the end of therapy look like? What will I look like? Feel like?

It is hard at the moment to imagine living a life without therapy in it. Without T in it. I live in a constant state of self-reflection and I am constantly reading and learning new things therapy related. I guess in a weird way, therapy gives me a sense of purpose. A lot of my energy goes into thinking about my therapeutic journey.

I have already learnt so much on my journey. It has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done. It has been the most scary, painful but life-changing thing I've ever done. I wouldn't go back and change a single thing. In fact, I've turned into one of those annoying preacher types who wants to try to encourage everyone to give it a go – I want to share the joy it can bring in finally being seen and heard. It is hard to put into words the gratitude I have for this journey of mine (see preaching again!).

On this journey you don't really see how far you have come until you stop and look back. My blog yesterday made me realise how far I have come in terms of my own emotional awareness – the discovery of my feelings and emotions and the ways I try to drown them out or cover them up. Learning to recognise them and not be scared of them. Learning to "Tolerate" them as T would say. But what else? I have been validated and for me I think that is one of the most healing things of all.

I started therapy feeling like life just happened to me. I just seemed to be in this world  as a spectator, watching life happen to everyone else.  Life was tough. It was hard and unsatisfying. I felt kind of deadened. I always had a very clear sense that I was broken or faulty somehow and lots of things seemed to back that feeling up.  My mum didn't seem to love me, my dad was absent from my life, friends would come and go, boyfriends would betray me – relationships were hard work. There was always a lot of drama and a lot of tears. That feeling of not understanding was painful.

I understood that I was very insecure. I didn't understand why – it was just another one of my faults, I thought. I wanted so badly to be confident, to be secure and laid back. I wanted so much to be loved and understood. I kept ruining relationships and every time another one ended, I felt more and more shame.

I finally took myself to see T in early 2013. I remember very clearly sitting in her office and telling her about my family. I spoke non-stop (nothing new there) for the majority of the hour and told her in very minimal detail about all the big life events – house moves, step parents, abuse to me, domestic abuse to my mum.  I didn't have any emotion to the story I told, but I didn't recognise that then.  I remember coming away and thinking "corr, that was a lot of stuff to have happened actually" but that was it and I got on with my day.  I couldn't really believe that I was in therapy.  Therapy was for people who were really mentally unwell wasn't it? (judgmental, I know).

Fast-forward about 5 months and I quit therapy because I got a new boyfriend and I decided that I didn't need therapy anymore. I told myself that it was just my ex-boyfriend that had made me insecure and the new one promised he wouldn't make me feel like that. So I quit and I am ashamed to say, that I didn't do it very nicely. I sent a few texts to tell her I wasn't coming back and then I hid. I ignored her phone calls and messages trying to encourage me to stay, or to at least see her once more. I didn't want to go and I think partly that was because I knew I needed to be there and was running away and partly because I was embarrassed at how immature I was in leaving this way.  That was that.

About another 5 or 6 months later, a friend was killed in a case of mistaken identity. It affected me a lot and I was crying for weeks so I emailed to see if T would see me again. I was worried what she would think of me but I went anyway.  Weirdly we didn't seem to talk that much about my friend.  She didn't seem as warm as I remembered.  I thought she was probably annoyed with me.  I told her that I didn't need to start therapy again, I just wanted a couple of sessions to talk about my friend, but she didn't seem to be happy with that.  She told me that therapy was a commitment and I was either invested in this process for the long-haul, or I wasn't.  I said that I wasn't sure and she told me to think about it. We scheduled a session for the day after Boxing Day and she told me to let her know if I wanted to keep that appointment or not.  On Christmas Day or thereabouts, I decided I didn't need it and so text her to say thank you but that I was okay.  That was that (again!).

In May 2015 I started (another) new relationship with my current partner and things were looking up. He seemed to be more genuine and more committed than previous boyfriends had.   He was slightly older and had children and I felt much safer in this relationship which was lovely. However it wasn't drama-free (obviously) because he came with an angry ex-wife and children and that never makes for smooth running. Add to that, the fact that I had broken it off with the last boyfriend for this guy (I know, not a classy move and not one that I am proud of).  With all this drama came yet more insecurity that he would leave me to go back to his ex-wife, jealousy of their shared past, jealousy and feeling left out when he saw his children at weekends (before I met them a year later),being kept a secret... it was hard.  One day we went for lunch and I was feeling particularly upset because he had told me that he missed his children. I had taken that to mean that he missed his previous life (not just his children) and he sat me down and told me that he loved me, that he wasn't going anywhere BUT.. (always a but!) BUT that he couldn't handle this constant insecurity and doubt that I had.  I decided right then and there that I really did need to go to therapy and stick it out.  I emailed her the next day and made an appointment to see her.  From then, to now, I haven't ran away again and it has now been 2.5 years of consistent work.

When I went back to her she gave me a pretty stern talking to about how this wasn't something she could keep doing with me coming and going and that I really needed to knuckle down and do this. I knew she was right. I felt like I had been told off by a teacher and felt embarrassed, but I knew I couldn't keep running. I wanted to feel better once and for all.  I think I knew it was my last chance with her.

Only a few sessions in she asked me if I knew what narcissism was. I said no. She told me that she thought my mother was extremely narcissistic and that she could even have NPD.  She told me to go home and read about it.  That was another life-changing moments that I will never forget. I went home and typed into Google about narcissism and saw pages and pages of articles written about my mum (or so it seemed). It was rather shocking.  Following this revelation I was ecstatic.  I know that sounds weird, but I felt a huge weight lift off of me. It really was her. It wasn't me! I wasn't inherently broken and faulty after all!!

The joy didn't last long however and I was soon crying constantly for the best part of a week. I then began to experience panic attacks.  One during the middle of the night when I genuinely thought I was having a heart attack. One the following day on the train home from work and another a week or so after that at home.  I had never had a panic attack before so it was a very scary thing to happen. T didn't seem particularly worried or surprised. I suddenly had so many feelings, thoughts, emotions and I didn't know what to do with them.  That was the start of a very long (on-going journey) into learning all about narcissism and from there, gradually, very gradually, I have been able to start to talk about things my mother did or said to me growing up with the intellectual understanding that it really wasn't my fault.  Again the feelings took a very long time to integrate to these stories.

During my time in therapy to date, I have written many letters. I have written a letter to my own inner child. I have written to my father (3 or 4 versions of that have been typed over a few years, and one has now been given to him !).  Many letters to my mother – none of which have been sent, or ever will be sent to her. They are extremely painful to write, but are very healing. Writing really gets me in touch with the feelings.The words seem to just fly out like they've been sitting there waiting to escape.

I have my father back in my life now after many years apart.  We don't see each other very often, but there is contact and we see each other every month or so, which is a huge change.

I have gone LC (low contact) with my mother.  I've emotionally distanced myself from her in a huge way and have managed to loosen myself from her tight, deadly grip which has brought with it it's own challenges. She now feels as though I have betrayed her and I am still struggling with carrying a lot of guilt which doesn't really belong to me – I am working on that.  I am still scared of putting my own healthy boundaries in as though I will be severely punished.  I need to really believe that I am safe now.

I have yet to deal with my sexual abuse in any real way... it has been brought up a few times over the years in therapy but T seems to think that I use him/it as a bit of a scapegoat for my unclaimed anger towards my mother. We have spoken about how my mother should have protected me more and how and why I didn't tell her at the time. I went into therapy thinking this was the main cause of my "issues" but it feels as though T disagrees. I do too, now.

I've spoken about the domestic abuse I've witnessed towards my mother and how that has impacted on me, on my feelings about anger and authority and men.

I have learnt about narcissism, attachment patterns, golden child/scapegoats, object constancy, C-PTSD, "triggers" and regression, the conscious and unconscious mind, repression, denial, projection, relationship triangles, repetition compulsion.  The therapeutic relationship and transference.. about dissociation.  About vulnerability and dependency and much more.

Most importantly, I have finally been able to experience a secure attachment (well, nearly) to my T.  I accept now that I need her to be okay. I miss her when she is gone.  I hang on to her every word. I can allow myself to be pre-occupied with her at times. I use her to steady myself, to mirror me. I need her attunement.  I internalize her words to carry with me when she is not there.  I am learning how to keep that connection alive when she is not – slowly but surely. I am being re-parented by her at nearly 30 years old because it wasn't done properly when I was a child. I am understanding the losses, grieving them so they lose their hold over me.

I can see the improvement in me even if others can't.  Although close friends and my boyfriend have told me various ways they have seen improvements.  I am safe in the knowledge that it helps me, that it is continuing to help me every day.

Right now, I never want it to end.  But one day it will and that will only happen when I am 100% ready.  I am curious as to how life will feel when I am "self-actualized" and whole.  I am so excited that one day I might get a chance to be who I could have been if I hadn't been through all the sh*t I went through.  I won't have to live just getting by each day. I won't have to live feeling broken or faulty or ashamed. My past will not define me.

What better payback is there to your abusers than to not just survive, but to thrive on your own ? I am going to become the person they tried to keep me from becoming. The person they very nearly managed to kill off inside of me. I will become my truest, realist, strongest and happiest self. My best self!

Won't that day be bloody beautiful?

[5 March]

5 March 

I have been inspired to write a blog about self-awareness due to the fact that I've suddenly become aware that during my time in therapy, I have started to experience feelings that I had never fully felt or experienced before.

I imagine that might sound a bit odd to some of you reading this, right?  You may be thinking that everyone has feelings.  Well, that would be true, however when I went into therapy, I would have described myself as an emotional person and I was to find out that actually, I was very emotionally repressed.

To date I've been in therapy for about 2 and a half years and have only recently been able to cry in therapy. Ironically, the first time I cried was due to my sheer frustration of not being able to cry in therapy! Go figure.

For those of you who are familiar with my blog, I have also only just felt the pain of my therapist taking a break and boy it hurt. It hurt me on a deep level and I felt like a 5-year-old child who had lost her mother.

Despite the pain, it has opened my eyes to lots of things and one of those things which I was thinking about today was that I am really beginning to become emotionally aware.  Self-aware.

I am gradually identifying my feelings – be that sadness, joy, fear, embarrassment or anger. I am gradually becoming able to accept that I have these feelings and not shame myself, fear them and push them away.

When I started to get in touch with my feelings, they hit me like a tidal wave. I was convinced I would drown in them. They felt extremely dangerous to me.  Dangerous and unnatural.  Weirdly I didn't understand at the time that what I was scared of was just being able to "feel". I thought I was severely depressed. My feelings came (still come to a degree) in waves. Intense waves where I can be okay one day and completely floored the next.  That was alarming to say the least. I wasn't sure I could survive some of these waves.

When this started to happen, (roughly October 2016), T used to tell me that I needed to try to find a way to "tolerate the feelings".  A phrase I repeat back to myself now when I am feeling overwhelmed.  Tolerating my feelings was a huge challenge for me.  Being able to stay with the feelings – feel them – was not an easy task.

In retrospect, it makes sense and before I started on my journey to heal myself, it was actually an effective defense mechanism.  Feeling those painful, scary feelings really could have caused me some serious problems back then when I was a child and had nobody to help me work through them, understand them or comfort me in my pain. I did the safest thing by repressing them in order to cope with my unfortunate reality.  However as an adult, being emotionally repressed doesn't serve you well at all. I no longer need this defense, I need to break that old, now maladaptive behaviour and like any change, it is painful!

T helped me to identify how I was feeling by noticing my body's physical cues.  I often get headaches and heartburn. I also suffered with what I thought was IBS for years.  T recommended a book to me called "Your Body Speaks The Mind" by Deb Shapiro.  That book has sat on my bedside cabinet for the last year or so and has been a great way to help me listen to my body and figure out how I am feeling.  The book helps you to  connect your physical pains with your emotional state. I really recommend it to anyone who struggles to identify their feelings.

Another way that I started to get in touch with my feelings was to listen to my inner dialogue.  We all have one. I had never been aware of mine before, but if you listen, you have constant internal chat inside your head. It might be as simple as turning your nose up at a programme when flicking through the Sky planner or thinking how you like someone's outfit as they walk past you on the street.  Our internal dialogue cane really help us to understand what goes on inside.

For me, my inner dialogue wasn't my friend. I refer to this as my inner critic (work by Pete Walker again!) because it was indeed a critic. I used to berate myself for any negative feelings. I used to call myself all sorts of horrible names. On reflection, a lot of these names were internalised from my mother, but I didn't understand that overnight. I have worked a lot using terms such as "inner child" and "inner critic" and found them very useful. Thinking of my sad or fearful feelings in terms of being my "inner child" makes it possible for me to be kind to myself. It helps me to be sympathetic towards myself for the reasons that I feel this way. I basically try to give my "inner child" what any child might need if they were feeling that way. I try and be who I needed when I was young.  I know this sounds a bit weird if you're not familiar with these terms (or if they are not your "thing") but it really has worked for me! Each to your own, eh?

Sometimes I can identify how I might be feeling by certain habits.  For example, often if I am struggling with sadness I will want to sleep a lot. If I am angry, I might become snappy and impatient with my boyfriend or with his children for silly things that wouldn't normally be a problem.   Another habit that I've recently become aware of is that I seem to shop/spend money or eat a lot.  This is all very much a work in progress but at least I am becoming aware of the habits I guess.

I won't go on much longer but I just wanted to write and say that becoming aware of all these feelings that have been repressed for my entire life is journey like no other. I don't think I can find the words to explain that fully. It is a deeply painful yet deeply moving and insightful journey of self-discovery.  It is a journey that I am amazed I even needed to take. I guess when you are that good at repression, it takes a while to realise that you are even repressed.. does that even make sense?

Emotional self-awareness is good for you. It is good for your psychological health, your physical health, for your relationships, your decisions, everything.  It helps us to be empathetic and compassionate to others  and to ourselves. If you can learn to be self-aware, you can begin to develop a strong sense of self which is something that I cannot wait to have.

I hope this has given you some food for thought about your own emotional self-awareness. Do you allow yourself to fully feel your feelings, good and bad? Do you have an inner critic? Do you listen to your inner chatter and do you have any habits when you are angry, sad or fearful?

[3 March]

3 March

Yesterday T mentioned something about erotic transference and said that I might experience this. I looked at her as though she was talking another language.

Why would I have erotic feelings towards her? a woman when I am straight?

Then I panicked that she might think I was defending myself too much and tried to calm down the shock that was clearly radiating off of me.  Agghhhh! (the problems of allowing yourself to be analysed!).

She explained to me that erotic transference is a perfectly normal part of the process for some people and that it is nothing to be scared of. I said that I've read about it, but it isn't something I've felt and said that I can't imagine I would. I told her that I thought erotic transference only applied to male/female therapist and patient but it appears not.

T explained to me that erotic transference actually stems from infantile feelings of desire. Being seen, heard, held, accepted, soothed etc, but that because we are adults we view the feelings as being adult sexual feelings, rather than the innocent "love" feelings that a child would have.

I've done some research on this today and from what I have understood, it's the intoxication of finally feeling noticed and understood instead of feeling rejected – which is what a lot of us in psychotherapy have felt our whole lives. That feeling becomes addictive and we want more – we feel special to our therapist and we want them for ourselves. We don't want to share them with other clients or with their family and that "love" can lead to the erotic transference mentioned above.  Apparently it is the desire in you for love in general – not actually the person who is giving you the love and that is what you work through in therapy when/if erotic transference takes place.

T said that if this happens, I should just "enjoy" the feeling and not be scared by it.  The first thought I had when she said this to me was "wow, that must be super weird for you".  Knowing her clients might have (what they deem) as sexual feelings towards her... that would creep me the f out!  I guess that is one of many reasons I am this side of the couch!

Then T said something which has stuck with me ever since.

"I think it is highly likely you will experience this given the way your therapy is going".

The way my therapy is going? How is my therapy going? What does that mean?

The insecure part of me has decided that she thinks I am hopelessly insecure – highly attached in a way that I shouldn't be and all other sorts of negative things.

The adult part of me is trying to wrestle with the child part to say that as I've just said, heard and read, this is normal. It is part of the process which many other people go through. Still, it stings a little bit and I hate that because it makes me feel immature.

It has taken me nearly 3 years to accept that I need her. To accept that I am attached to her and that she helps to regulate me.  The thought of being sexually attracted to her – of having any kind of fantasy about wanting to be sexual with her makes me feel VERY uncomfortable. I don't want that to happen. I see her as my replacement (better) "good mother" nothing else.

T said to me that it depends on "where the injury first took place".  I asked her what age she thought that was for me and she said she thought right back to the womb.  She said this is why she thinks it is more likely that I will experience this because back then, you should experience things like being cradled in the safety of the womb, being born and having your mother stare happily into your eyes as she feeds you, smiling at you because you are a wonderful creation.  But if you don't experience these lovely things, you have unconscious feelings and intense longings which you think you can have met with the therapist, but you think these unconscious needs are sexual desires.

Isn't it odd that I can understand this on a logical level but still not accept its probability, or possibility, within my own therapy? Perhaps I am being overly defensive after all!

[1 March]

1 March

Hey guys.

So I went back to therapy last night! It was.. what was it? It was lots of things.

This is a (lengthy) post about how it went. I'm not sure it will be of much interest or use to anyone else but I want to post it because it helps me to process the session and it is good for me to be able to look back on it.

I was very nervous about going back last night. The anxiety had really set in as I pulled up outside her house. I didn't know what to say to her, what she would ask me or how I would feel. I kept trying to decide what things I would tell her and in what order – trying to plan the structure of the session I guess. I had printed off my blogs during the break and thought I would take them in with me.

First of all, I decided to make myself tell her the two things I wrote about at the very beginning of the break.

Challenge 1: Tell her that I have a blog and that I hadn't felt I could tell her before the break.

I told her that I had something to tell her and that I should have told her before the break, but that I hadn't. She questioned whether I had wanted to tell her but hadn't got to it and I said no, I hadn't wanted to tell her at the time, but had since written about it and had decided that I should tell her.  She reacted well. She didn't seem shocked or hurt and she reassured me that she would never go looking for my blog if I was worried about her invading my privacy.  I said it wasn't that.

I told her that during the break I figured it was because whenever I started anything new or exciting, my mum would always ruin it and so I think I was trying to "keep it safe".  I also told her about my little Freudian slip, but it seems that she hadn't noticed anyway.  I also told her that when she asked if I write things in my "journal", that I don't tell her – I had lied when I said no.  She understood and said it is scary.  She also said that it must have been hard having to "hold" that all of that time.

Challenge 2: Tell her that she had upset me with her joke about the Easter Break.

This is the thing I was dreading the most.

I decided to force myself to tell her that her joke about not telling me her Easter holiday dates had upset me. She said it nicely and as a joke – I think to cheer me up! but it had played on my mind and upset me a bit.

She apologised (quite a few times actually) and she also said that she didn't think she had meant it as a joke – that she genuinely was concerned that her Easter holiday would be coming up quickly and as this February holiday wasn't one she normally took off, they would be very close together. Either way, it lead to a helpful discussion that we would, in her words, "need to be creative about the Easter break" and that we would need to "think about it carefully".

I'm not entirely sure what she meant by this, but I perceived it to mean that we would need to discuss things to help during the break. Maybe contact or maybe a transitional object or something.  I don't know.

It led to a discussion about transitional objects though, which I had secretly been thinking about for a while but never had the guts to ask for.  She said she thinks perhaps we should think about that and I agreed (I shocked myself!) and I asked her what she thought would help?  She said that she would be "guided" by me. I would rather I was guided by her, but I got the point.

She told me that when she was in therapy herself, her T used to "charge up" a scarf for her and then let her have it.  I love it when she tells me things from her own therapy.  I like to know things about her and I only get very small snippets now and again. She also explained to me that the reason she was telling me that was to normalise it for me a bit – I told her I found it very useful and it definitely helped to normalise the feelings.

So the two scary challenges were over. Breatheeeee.

I then told her I had printed all of my blogs and I read them all to her. Some parts of them were pretty cringe... some parts I didn't like reading out at all, but the hardest bit was reading out Emotional Flashback? – Jesus that was tough.

I sobbed my way through it. I shocked myself how easily I got back in touch with those feelings. I cried a lot, my shoulders and back started to hurt which often happens when I am stressed. I was hot, my chest became very tight, I couldn't breathe.. it really was very tough. It is hard to articulate.

She was great though and she sat with me through it all. I noticed that I couldn't look at her because I felt very embarrassed.  She said things to calm and reassure me like how she was there with me, that she was there now – we were together now, that kind of thing.  It was probably the most vulnerable I've felt with her to date. The good thing is, nothing I said seemed to shock her. Nothing seemed to annoy her or upset her – she just seemed.... compassionate I suppose? She told me that my words had "moved" her.

At one point in the session, she told me that although there was a lot of replay being done and transference etc, that the feelings were still real. She told me that she does care for me (I can't remember the words she used). I felt embarrassed by her words and couldn't look at her. She has never told me she has any feelings for me before and despite hoping she did, hearing her say the words was lovely but oh so awkward! I felt a lump in my throat which luckily I managed to swallow down.

After that was out of the way, I read Object Constancy which was pretty cringe-worthy as it did mention that when she's gone, it feels like she is dead.......... LOL!! But she didn't seem particularly surprised, or hurt, so that was a relief.

The other blogs were a lot easier to read. We spoke them through and at the end she told me how I really had worked very hard. I really liked that she acknowledged this because I had worked hard.

The hour flew by, I hate how quickly a therapy hour goes, but I think I crammed everything in I needed – I would have hated to have finished having only got some of it out. I'm not sure how that would have felt.

When I left, I wasn't really sure how I felt. I drove home and felt tired – I think I felt emotionally drained, which I often do after crying like that.

I had an interesting dream last night which is very clearly about her and the divide between her "therapy room" and her home.  I think this was because we had discussed whether it is better for me to know where she is/what she is doing when on a break or not.

I said I wasn't sure because in one way it was easier knowing she was at home and not miles away: yet at the same time it was harder because she was close, but not available to me. [For context, she had time off to get some work done to her house and in the dream I went into her house and she asked me if I liked her new decorations. I said I did, but I was lying because I hadn't turned the light on and so I couldn't see!].

If you've made it this far, then thanks and well done!

Ah thank you so much for that lovely comment! It made me smile as I read it. It's a hard thing feeling proud of yourself but I guess I am! It was scary and I'm a little nervous to see her again this afternoon because we will no doubt discuss it all.. ahh!! Anyway, thank you xx

[27 February]

27 February

I started drafting this about 2 hours ago.  It was feeling very confused, but since typing it all out, I seem to have made some sense of it.  This is what I love about writing and about blogging. It helps me to un-jumble all the chaotic thoughts and organise them a little better.

It's Monday 27th February today and I have called in sick at work. I woke up early this morning with such a pounding headache.  That and the familiar sense of sadness.  I hate that feeling. It is so obvious even when you've only been awake for seconds and you know the likelihood is, it isn't going anywhere for at least the rest of the day.  Not a nice start to the day, or the week!

The thing is though, tomorrow happens to be "Return To Therapy" day and so I don't think it is a huge coincidence that I feel like this.  I often have a lot of physical responses to therapy stuff (read: feelings).

Tomorrow will be the first session back after 12 days.  Today is day 11 (obviously) and yes, I have been counting! On the whole, I've done okay. Last Sunday and Monday were pretty awful, but since then I seem to have been in "adult functioning" mode and have been able to get on with life and not feel that sense of doom and panic that I had.

An hour or so ago, I re-read the post from last Monday and I cried. It felt as though it got me back in touch with those feelings again. I wonder if I am a bit regressed today. I think Little Twink is around.

All I have wanted for the last 11 days is to be back in there with her, so you would think today I would be excited and happy wouldn't you? But no. I feel weird. I feel anxious, nervous even, and physically my head is banging so hard it's like a door knocker!

What am I nervous about?
•Am I scared she will have changed?
•Am I scared it will all be a big anti-climax?
•Am I scared she will extend her break at the last minute?
•Am I scared of overwhelming her with all the stored up needs from the last 12 days?
•Am I scared of admitting how needy I've felt and telling her the real feelings I've had?

I think given how easily that list was to write, the answer is probably yes to all of them.

It has made me question whether this is how I felt as a child when my mum was due back from one of her latest holidays. Did I feel nervous then? I can't remember.  One thing I do remember is that she would be really "nice" for a little while and then everything would go back to normal and that seemed to hurt more than if she had stayed the same.  I guess it was that bit of hope that things were different at last ... and then that sense of utter devastation that nothing was different at all  would hit. And it hurt like *.

I don't think that bit applies to therapy though, because I don't want anything to change and she doesn't need to be "nicer" than normal, because she isn't like that.  Maybe old habits die hard?

This cocktail of feelings is unnerving. The mixture of anticipation, excitement, panic, dread – it is horrible.

I have read on the net today that lots of people feel angry towards their T on the return to therapy. Anger for having left them alone or anger as a defense to their painful feelings of abandonment. I don't feel angry.  T has often told me that it is okay to feel angry feelings about her and that it is natural but consciously at least, I have none. Maybe unconsciously I do? Who know's?

I have known for the last 11 days that today would bring these feelings of anxiety and nervousness, so it's nothing I didn't predict already. I've felt this way before.

I have tried to intellectualize my way out of this today and it has helped a little – I know that isn't a good thing really, but it helps me to feel the feelings with less shame. It at least stops me from denying them completely.

For anyone who hasn't watched The Strange Situation,who struggles with these feelings, give it a watch now, it is incredible. It models attachment styles in babies beautifully. It reminds me that a lot of these feelings are all due to my particular attachment style which is either anxious or disorganised. T says I flip between the two.

With that in mind, I can appreciate that it is transference making me feel this way today.

Because of my attachment style I experience a really high amount of distress when I am not with my caregiver (therapist).  I can't soothe myself well and I therefore stay hyper-vigilant whilst she is gone.  When she returns, I remain just as fired-up because I don't know what I am going to get. The good mother or the bad mother.  I guess that does link in with my memory from childhood actually doesn't it? How long will the niceness last? How long until I have to feel the same again? I guess that is why I have often gone back to therapy after a break with "no feelings" and nothing to discuss, because if you want to keep your caregiver good after they've been away, you keep any "bad" feelings away don't you? You stay good.

That isn't going to work tomorrow because I have a whole host of feelings ready to take to her.  I guess THAT is what is making me anxious.

[24 February]

24 February

The definition of object constancy, according to one of my favourite sites for C-PTSD is "An inability to remember that people or objects are consistent, trustworthy and reliable, especially when they are out of your immediate field of vision"

As I understand it, a lack of object constancy is a result of insecure attachments to caregivers when we are young. It means that those who suffer from a lack of object constancy are kinda stuck at that development stage, having never successfully managed to pass through it.  At that age (about 2 or 3), when your caregivers leave, you are naturally frightened, sad and worried that they will be gone forever, but with any luck, you have a decent caregiver who models to you time and time again, that they will return and so you manage to learn that you don't need to worry – that said caregiver is still "there" somewhere and will return.  You learn to self-sooth and use your internalized image until they return to comfort you again. You gain "object constancy".

Unfortunately when you don't have a decent caregiver like moi, you don't learn that and so when someone isn't around, you still feel those infantile feelings of abandonment, panic, fear and/or anger and you begin to question whether that relationship even exists anymore. This is what causes the panic, the clinginess, the jealousy and can drive our partners crazy.  It is what makes us feel "needy" when we compare ourselves to others who don't suffer from a lack of object constancy. Having a lack of object constancy makes us insecure – literally.  For example, if my boyfriend is out and doesn't contact me all day – I won't automatically think that he is just busy and will contact me later.  No, obviously he doesn't love me anymore, is planning to leave me or worse – is dead!! Dramatic isn't it?

Learning about this has really helped me because now when I get these feelings and thoughts, the adult part of me can (try to) calm myself down. Easier said than done I must say, just see Emotional Flashback? for proof that I can't think my way out of the feelings, but it does help to understand that I'm not "crazy". God how hard I used to try to be "casual" and "calm" in relationships – I tried so hard to be the laid back girlfriend that boys wanted but eventually my true colours would come glaring out – usually after a few vinos and that was not a pretty sight believe me!!   The worst thing about this is that when I eventually unleashed the crazy, it was the beginning of the end in my relationships and so my worst fears would then be realised – da daaaaaa!! It's a wonder I'm in therapy isn't it?

Anyway, I've been thinking today about all this object constancy stuff in relation to this therapy break... I think this explains a lot for me. It explains why I felt so awful on Monday. She was gone physically so to me, having a lack of object constancy, she was gone forever. That brought all my feelings of panic, abandonment, terror and grief flooding back.  I've since calmed down because I can reasonably talk myself down to a degree, knowing that she will be back, just like she has every single time before.  The logical stuff can work to a degree, but poor Little Twink, she couldn't rationalise that way could she?  She didn't have a good role model like T showing her this stuff and she didn't have a "good enough mother" either.

I guess that the fact I can't "hold someone in mind" positively for very long is probably why I assume nobody can hold me in mind either?  That would make sense.  Clearly I am painting everyone with the same brush!! I did think this morning that Monday was particularly awful but since then I've been okay. I don't know if I've just gone into "self-sufficient mode" because I've repressed any feelings since or whether I've genuinely been able to calm myself down enough with this logical thinking (or if that is even how it works?).  I also thought that although I'm okay, I am looking forward to next Tuesday and that I would absolutely hate it if I no longer had therapy with her anymore.  I also admit (cringing) that it does feel like she is no longer alive when she isn't here... and that I will be anxious when I wake up on Tuesday – what I am nervous of I have absolutely no idea!!

This is another one of those things that I knew already – but know a bit more today.

T is re-parenting me by constantly showing me that she will return – like, I guess, most people will in this world. .....Just not my mother.