Hey everyone. I'm pretty new to this place, and found out about it when i wanted to look for a support group to those who struggle with C-PTSD (I can't afford professional help anymore). A bit about myself: I'm a 19-year-old student, and I major in teaching English as a second language in the Netherlands. I'm currently in my third year, with a good internship (started a few weeks ago) and a nice mentor at my University. BTW: there is a trigger of abuse in here.
The issue is that I struggle immensely with my insecurities, which bothers be to no end. My former internship was absolutely horrible, because the intern coach I had turned out to be abusive (not ideal when I am already dealing with C-PTSD). A year after, I finally have an intern coach who is very sweet to me, although I do teach a special education school which is pretty tough. It's a big challenge. And I begin to feel like I can't do it. Not because I've been told I can't, but because I'm literally terrified of doing anything wrong. It just feels the same as when I wanted to prevent upsetting my family, who would otherwise be incredibly angry and abuse me verbally and/or physically.
I haven't messed up at my internship. Yet. I feel like I could at any minute, and it could damage either me or the classes I teach. I feel like I could mess up tomorrow, or the day after, or even this entire year. I can't sleep well, I dissociate more than I would like to, I feel empty, and just so sad and insecure. I keep feeling shame and guilt over things that could potentially go wrong.
I don't know what to do. I feel like a bother and useless, I keep overthinking to no end, I think about death constantly, because I feel like it's always just gonna be like this since it's my own issue, so why bother going on? I can't have a break. I can't just leave my internship either, it's perfect besides my own fears of things that aren't even there, which I keep forgetting. I feel so alone. What do I do??? How should I feel???
The issue is that I struggle immensely with my insecurities, which bothers be to no end. My former internship was absolutely horrible, because the intern coach I had turned out to be abusive (not ideal when I am already dealing with C-PTSD). A year after, I finally have an intern coach who is very sweet to me, although I do teach a special education school which is pretty tough. It's a big challenge. And I begin to feel like I can't do it. Not because I've been told I can't, but because I'm literally terrified of doing anything wrong. It just feels the same as when I wanted to prevent upsetting my family, who would otherwise be incredibly angry and abuse me verbally and/or physically.
I haven't messed up at my internship. Yet. I feel like I could at any minute, and it could damage either me or the classes I teach. I feel like I could mess up tomorrow, or the day after, or even this entire year. I can't sleep well, I dissociate more than I would like to, I feel empty, and just so sad and insecure. I keep feeling shame and guilt over things that could potentially go wrong.
I don't know what to do. I feel like a bother and useless, I keep overthinking to no end, I think about death constantly, because I feel like it's always just gonna be like this since it's my own issue, so why bother going on? I can't have a break. I can't just leave my internship either, it's perfect besides my own fears of things that aren't even there, which I keep forgetting. I feel so alone. What do I do??? How should I feel???