Messages

Hey everyone. Life has been insane these past few months, to say the least. I started college again, trying to get my Vet Tech License. First semester started the beginning of May. I've been juggling that (3 classes- 6 credits, one class/2 credits away from full time) as well as working full time. Enough to be considerably busy, isn't it? In addition to the house my husband and I got back in March- lots things to do with it there. We still have a ton of boxes in the utility room to unpack. Also he and his parents are in the midst of starting a business in part of it(they will be living with us probably by the end of summer)- I'm too busy to be paying much attention to that, but its a lot of change.

Quite overwhelming, but at least all that's positive change, even if its rough. I could probably deal with everything better, except.. my father committed suicide back in April. Cue the beginning of a horrendous nightmare. That week was a blur of driving 1500 miles (round trip) with my  husband and service dog (just before Easter weekend was when he did it, so a plane ticket was almost $1K each, even with bereavement discount on it!) and trying to keep mom semi-sane, plan the memorial service, cremation, take care of the estate, call a million bill collectors to get them off moms back, try really hard not to fight with everyone about everything. And to make matters worse, I found out that my oldest sister was apparently addicted to pills. She didn't even jive with reality a lot of the time, unless it suited her. At the moment I'm not even talking to her, though she's pleading with me to. I might, just long enough to inform her that she is invited to the wedding (my husband and I got married in a private ceremony, but are planning the big wedding for this October- even more stress). But I don't need dealing with her right now.

I'm falling behind in classes because I can't concentrate on the coursework, I can't focus myself enough to do yoga, my poor husband keeps trying to help but there isn't anything he can really do. I've got some Xanax and some homeopathic stuff for depression/anxiety, but for the most part, medications don't work for me or have bad side effects, so its mostly out of the question. I'm too depressed to exercise much, which might help some, but I'm so tired all the time! Just switched to a new therapist, who I like more, but so far haven't worked with much yet. Not exactly sleeping well. And this weekend sucked, by the way. First Father's Day without my dad. I miss him so much... I think I've cried anywhere from twice a week to everyday since April. I'm just so overwhelmed right now. Even talking to friends is a chore instead of a pleasure now. Anything that requires any effort at all is an enormous task... I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm really not sure. Everything everyone has said makes sense to a degree... I think Butterfly's idea about derealization might hit closest to home. Thoughts on it?

Hey everyone-

So I'm not sure if I have EFs or if I dissociate. Or both, could be both. It happened again last night. Iwas watching my husband play an online game and we were listening to music. A particular song came on that we both like, but it does have a link to my past, during some rough times in high school. Haven't actually heard this song in a very long time. I noticed after the song that a fog came around me. Nothing seemed real. I felt like reality was an illusion and I was going to wake up at any second, right back in the situation I used to be in while living in Virginia.  I felt like I had a wall separating me from everything.  I felt like I could pull myself out of this, but I didn't know which "direction" to head in. Like I was going to hit a glass wall and not be able to break through it. Worse, it felt like if I did break through it, I would go directly into a panic attack. My husband tried to help- sometimes touching (massage, or just cuddling), joking around and getting me to laugh, or a complete redirect into something else helps. Not last night though. I'm still spacey even at the moment.

Thing is, there doesn't always seem to be a trigger. Ican be talking to people, slip into my head, and completely miss things. It can last a few seconds or hours. Sometimes I can pull myself back into this reality, sometimes (like right now) it becomes a waiting game. My mind can wander off at times and create different scenarios in my head to ponder, a bunch of different "what ifs?" that I know are just my imagination and can usually stop with effort.  I don't know what to make of it. Any ideas?

Broken.  Took my new husband several states south to meet my family last week. Got back Thursday. Broke down crying and sobbing and screaming  after trying to burn some badness out snowshoeing, but got too cold/frustrated after a minute or two.  Thought I could handle seeing my mother for a few days. Guess not- all she's done is gotten worse in every way possible.   

I was concerned about it being a potential problem. It was something I discussed with my doctor- we thought the benefits outweighed the risks for becoming too reliant. However! I discovered that the control freak in me doesn't like that high feeling, so I generally only want it when I"m having a really bad day. This doesn't mean it will be the same for you, obviously, but what seems to work is stopping for a second and asking myself if I need a dose of meds right now, and how strong of a dose do I need? And then going from there. Hope this helps!

I currently live in Maine, and was able to get a Cannabis license. I don't use it super often, but have found that a few hits takes the edge off and I don't get too high then. I used to like using a small amount of edibles, but its really easy to eat more than you mean to and end up too high- its uncomfortable when you get to that stage, too.  Its not "bad" per-say, but I"m not one that likes actually being stoned or high.  Like Kizzie said, it seems to be a CPTSD thing- gotta have control lol. There does seem to be a fairly fine line with it, but I've kind of figured out about where that line is (though still experimenting with different strains at the moment), Cannabis does seem to work. Certainly better than a lot of the "legal" therapeutic drugs out there!

I've got that box of photos that I don't want to go through as well. Mine's a small, clear plastic box crammed full of photos (some of them have gotten stuck together now, too) and I can see some old photos that I want- but I know there are others lurking in there, waiting to pull me back to a harsh time. Sandals posted the idea about going over them with a therapist- maybe the best plan? Or taking it realllllllllllly slowly.  Nobody wants to be bombarded with bad memories...

Hi!

So after poking around OOTF for awhile, I found the link to here. Oh, where to start? (Also, going to put a trigger warning here- keeing it basic but I want to keep others safe.) I never really thought that my home life growing up was "bad," persay, and that everyone fights with their mother in a similar way. It wasn't until I started "going crazy" in my teen years that I had therapists stare at me and point-blank tell me, no, thats not normal, thats emotional and psychological abuse.  In the meantime, I had a psychiatrist misdiagnose me with bipolar disorder.

Cue 14 years of med trials with little to no help or some pretty bad side-effects, some pretty bad times in my life, abuse from "loving boyfriends," and severe bullying from grade school through graduation, and things were pretty rough for awhile. I moved several states away from my family (still love them, but my mother does NOT understand what she did was wrong- and is clingy, too.) and started seeing psychiatrist and therapist up here- after another couple of years they put it all together, and my "official" diagnoses include PTSD (therapist believes CPTSD, but won't make it official because there aren't enough guidelines yet), GAD, Depression NOS, Somatic Disorder. Fun times.

On my way to healing, though. Its rough- had some setbacks recently, which is what sent me looking around online. Anyway, I've rambled on for long enough. So, hi!