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Came back to re-read these posts because I am having a tough moment.   

I am rapidly losing hope of salvaging this relationship.  I am sure I would heal at a much quicker rate if I didn't have the burden of this heavy relationship.  But I just can't gather the strength to do all the things it's going to take to leave and find solace for myself.

I'm unemployed which opens another can of codependency, financial limitation issues. 

I am struggling with basic daily necessities; showering, cooking, chauffeuring the kids, etc.  Even those things I have to minimize as much as possible because I have to ration my energy.  I can rally for a couple of days but then I am so emotionally exhausted I collapse for many days.  The mountain of HUGE things I would have to do leave is realistically impossible right now! 

I feel soooo trapped!

Glad you joined us, iamstill02!  Welcome!

So sorry you are dealing with such a stressful situation.  Do you have a therapist who can help you prepare for his release?  And rally the troops!  Do you have close family and friends who can help and support you?  We will be here too, but I know how important it is to have the bodies near and dear!

Welcome deptofhearts!
You are another beautiful courageous soul!  Glad you have decided to share with us.  The people and support here are great!  Every time I read or post I feel just a teeny bit lighter.  I hope that you can too.

This thread resonates with me too.  I feel like I am at a standstill with my progress because I am scared to let my anger out.  I am holding on to a ton of it!  In my childhood home, we were never taught any skills for expressing emotions.  Anger was a cardinal sin.

woodsgnome said: Seeking to EXPRESS the anger safely is the  challenge I'm willing to dive in for.

That is exactly what I am struggling with.  The anger I feel for people I have gone NC with or no longer need to live with is easier to safely express.  It is with my SO that I am paralyzed.  Neither one of us can express our anger in a safe and constructive manner.  Any hint at the release of anger and we both bristle and then just clam up.

Because my SO can't express anger, it seems probable that he wasn't taught any skills either.  The biggest hurdle seems to be in that while I am willing to learn, actively research and practice skills to grow, my SO is not. 

How can I move forward (in both my personal recovery and our relationship) if he won't move with me?  Any suggestions?

Yep.  I was one of those little kids of self blame.  Still struggle with it at times.

Someone mentioned in another post about "many layers of abuse".  I would have to say mine is a Pillsbury flaky layers Grands!  There was so many layers of abuse for the first 35 years of my life that it will be a miracle if I can get through a quarter of them in the rest of my lifetime.

Since I started the work of recovery (many years in, actually) I have come to some strange awareness of why I put up with and downplayed the abuse:  This process is extremely hard and bloody painful!!!!!  I HAD to have known on some level how hard it was going to be and just didn't have the resources to do it.

There are many days that I wish I could just un-know what I know.    
Head in the sand, rose colored glasses, dissociation... oh yea, much easier.  sigh....

But, I'm here.  And so are you.

Together maybe we can chip away at the mountain of pain and find comfort in each other.
To all of us brave soul warriors! 

Hallelujah!    I'm not alone!!!!
This is a hard thing to admit and an even harder thing to talk about.  I have felt like such a lazy failure these last 2-3 years.  I was a motivated hard worker who loved learning.  I had dreams and goals and was actively working towards them.  Then...

...it all crumbled.  I have not worked for over 2.5 years and see no near time that that will be possible.  I struggle with hygiene and basic tasks as you, too, have mentioned.  It is extremely hard to go from a functioning adult (although I think I was actually in serious denial) to a completely dismantled mess.  It takes an incredible toll on self esteem and self worth. 

Being dependent on my SO is excruciatingly painful for me.  I had decades of hearing how worthless I was from people close to me.  And there is a lot of societal stigma about "living off your spouse, the government or other people, not pulling you weight or not adding to society".  I feel a lot of guilt about that.

At this moment, I really wonder if I will ever be able to work again.  I have, literally, a lifetime (no kidding.) of abuse to slog through.  It seems like the more things I work on, the more crap keeps surfacing!   

So, I am divorced from a narcissist and trying to coparent with him is an ongoing traumatic disaster. In meeting regularly with my therapist, it was just recently she mentioned that I have PTSD.

Same, same, same!  I am 10 yrs divorced from a N and have kiddos (youngest is now a teen) with him.  I don't know how you could  come out of a relationship with a N WITHOUT having PTSD. 

Coparenting with him is a disaster and nightmare at best.  I haven't even addressed this topic here yet as it is so lengthy and complicated.  And I just get so tired of him sucking my energy at every turn.  I have gone as NC as possible.  The only way I will "talk" to him is through text or email.  I will not talk to him on the phone or face to face.  I can't even look at him during exchanges.  The ONLY reason I would talk to him is if it was an emergency with my kids.  The hardest part is watching my kids "play his game" and being powerless to do anything about it.   

BraveBuffy, you have taken a huge step in popping on here.  You will find a bunch of wonderfully, supportive, understanding people who are more than willing to lend an ear and share their discoveries with you!
You are not alone!   

Twinkletoes, I agree with everyone else, you are not crazy! 

Everyone dissociation at times throughout your life.  However, just like most things, there are extremes on every continuum line.  Neither extreme seems to be healthy, it is finding the sweet spot in the middle that is most beneficial.

These would be examples the sweet spot dissociation.
Think of youngsters not hearing detailed instructions.  Their brain is overloaded, thus they "shut off".
Think of teens having to sit through endless classes that have no interest for them.  They are bored so they "day dream".
Think of adults who don't want to partake in the endless fickle family squabbles at every get-to.  They may be annoyed or bored and don't want to waste their energy on such a trivial matter.  So they think about their upcoming vacation, they "day dream".

My experience has been the extreme of using dissociation for the majority of my life.  My trauma was such that to survive I dissociated.  I didn't "realize" what I was doing until the last couple years.  Dissociation was such a significant part of who I was/am that I didn't know it wasn't normal or healthy. 

My journey is that I have to learn what it is to live by NOT dissociating.  The concept is totally reversed for me.  I am not scared of the dissociating (because that is where I found safety) but I am scared of facing all the things that caused me to dissociate it in the first place!

Keep asking the questions, doing the research, ask for professional help, reading... do whatever you can until something "clicks" with you and it all makes sense.  There is no one-size-fits-all!  Our journeys need custom-fit clothing made of spandex!

[Now, this is the important piece: In what I just read above, you have shown great respect for each other regardless of the interpretations/misinterpretations.]

I just want to say that I respect all of you for taking part in this discussion (and on the forum in general).  Each post is courageous because you are exposing yourself in many different ways to many different things.  It is much easier to "not get involved".  My opinion is that each post is act of bravery, as long as the intention carried no ill will.  But, that is where the mix-ups come in. 

Now, this is the important piece:  In what I just read above, you have shown great respect for each other regardless of the interpretations/misinterpretations.

For someone who is new to the forum, I can say I found this thread comforting.  It tells me that I can be the unique individual that I am and be free to share my "life bits".  And as long as I am not bearing ill will, I will be treated with respect.  Which includes receiving constructive correction.  And I hope you do that for me if something I say has or may cause harm.

So, kudos to you brave soul warriors!   

Awesomeness!  Love the take-out boxes and gumball machine.  But the one that made me laugh was the peanut butter and marshmallow fluff!  It is so ordinarily great!

It's like a nasty mosquito!  I let them bite me again and again too.  Why didn't I just slap 'em?   

It is very frustrating to hear those sorts of things.  I always wonder how people can truly think that we are choosing PTSD.  It is as ludicrous as thinking we choose the trauma like a sweet from a candy jar.
As is typical for most of us here, I am always trying to see things from the other side, to get a better understanding.  And the only thing I can come up with that makes any sense to me, is that these people do not try to see things from the other side, thus no understanding.
Doesn't make the pain of judgement any less painful though.

Wednesday, if you pop back on here I would be honored if you would feel comfortable enough to share your experience with ECT.  I, too, had ECT but haven't come across many others who have.  Which is a good thing, actually, as it can cause permanent damage as well as be very traumatizing. My experience with ECT was horrific.

I have started looking into ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) as at this point in my life I feel I would rather have my brain fried versus going like this until I die.

I had many (20+) ECT treatments over the course of 6 months with the last one being over a year and a half ago.  I wish I never would have had them!  Not only am I still struggling with memory loss, lack of concentration, changes in my senses, loss of skills (including my professional skills), learning disabilities and personality changes, BUT my depression sunk to lows I never imagined possible since I had the treatments.  Obviously, ECT DID NOT DO WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSE TO!

I am not the person I was.  I thought maybe it would get better over time but it has not.  Not only do I still have the original traumas that I was "shocked" for to deal with but I have the traumas (of the procedures) and repercussions of the ECT to deal with too.  No way in * will I go through that again.

I did a search here looking for others who may have had ECT but came up empty handed.  If anyone has had experience with it I would love to hear your stories!

If you, or anyone, is considering ECT I strongly urge you (as Mourning Dove did) to do your research.  And try to get personal stories as they are the un-sugar-coated versions.

myscootch, I hope you are doing ok.  Would love to hear what you came up with on this topic.

I forgot to link this about suicidal urges. 
http://karlamclaren.com/lets-talk-about-suicide/

Karla talks about suicidal urges in such a logical, not-guilt-ridden way.

She says, "when people are feeling suicidal, they're not having a simple happiness deficiency or exhibiting a character flaw. Something very serious is going on." 

Her book The Language of Emotions goes into more detail about why we get them (the suicidal urges) and the purpose they serve.  It was so helpful for me to read about it because I seriously felt bad, weak, shamed and *-bound for having suicidal urges.  Now I understand them and they are no longer the "big bad wolf"!