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Hey Carnation

I appreciate you reading and replying, But yeah I'm in the UK. Things seem so tough here right now regarding getting help, my hospital is marked for closure and everything is a battle, even see the GP let alone getting anything else.

I don't know about personality disorders, I highly suspect my Dad has a personalty disorder, and my Mum was dependent on him, but also when he wasn't around she became an abuser in her own right often worse, though where my Dad was able to be subtle and gaslight and make us apologize to him for things like daring to stand up for ourselves or having needs, unless he lost his temper, it was more raw from my Mum a constant barrage of anger,pettiness and hate. She seems a different person these days, but she almost hijacks things and tries to make them about her. I don't know if those things are indicative of anything but I often wonder what caused them to be this way aside from not having great upbringings themselves.

I will look up ACOA though and see if any are near me. Getting out to groups might be a bit unrealistic for me at the moment, but ordering a book certainly isn't

Awesome idea about the letters, there really is too much to start over with, when it comes to new therapists, I think I will have no choice but to provide some sort of history if I don't want half my sessions to just be spent bringing someone up to date.

I'm starting to think I may have to go private, any advice on what direction you would look In? You just sound quite clued up, if the even offer me decent therapy and not just a CBT crash course, it will still be limited in nature so I think I'm looking at private if I don't want to be put onto waiting lists for 8 months a time.

Thanks for saying I can PM too (and for the kind words!), likewise feel free to shoot me one if that's easier.

***Hello people, just a heads up this post deals with grooming and generally dark stuff you may find triggering, don't force yourself to read it if it's too triggering***

It's been a while I know, I have been neglecting to try and write or engage with my emotions, content to just numb myself. And of course it's all just building up and I feel like I'm going to blow.

As some of you may know, I had issues with my Mum randomly ringing up and even straight up turning up on my doorstep. She wanted her photos back which is understandable, but this had just been the latest in inappropriate behavior (her turning up without letting me know first) As soon as I got into therapy the phone calls started, suddenly she was hallucinating and seeing dead people, and when I asked her if she felt anything was stressing her out, she started pinning it on me having therapy and her being worried stuff would come up. Her behavior soon escalated and when I challenged her on the fact my Dad had been grooming my sister, she started saying she was being groomed by a man at church.

It was eye opening to see the lengths she would go to to try and manipulate me, I just can't believe I used to fall for it and have been manipulated for so long. I'm proud to say my partner scanned all the pictures and I then handed them over to my Mum, I had thought long and hard about all the things I could say or rants I could go on, but In the end I didn't have the energy and I'm glad I didn't lash out. I'm not trying to adjust to my life without her in it, and I find myself feeling sad. I think I'm mourning the loss of having a healthy parent, because while I do feel sad I know it's the right thing.

I also had another assessment for therapy the other week. I had therapy last year, I think I had 24 sessions, but about halfway through IAPT was forced to bid on it's own contract. Due to the nature of stuff that had come up in therapy my T wanted to get me an extension, and my sessions went from once a week to once a month as she tried to keep me under the services till it changed hands. This made a good third of my therapy feel useless to me as there was too much time between sessions. I never got the extension and I was dumped back to my GP without being refereed to a specialist, something they promised me at the start wouldn't happen.

My partner started to ring the crisis team and pressure my GP as there have been times when I get caught in flashbacks for days at a time and become destructive to my environment, and I saw a psychiatrist who told me I don't have PTSD because my trauma is extensive and not from a singular event, I asked him if he had heard of complex ptsd and he hadn't and instead I'm stuck with a label of GAD. Maybe it's petty of me to get worked up over a diagnosis but discovering cptsd game me a lot of comfort, my therapist even wrote I have the hallmarks of someone with PTSD. I was given promazine and discharged from secondary care.

My partner found a good cpn from ringing the crisis team, and I had a chat with him, he though I needed more psychotherapy, he was of the conclusion this was PTSD like and was of the view CBT would not be as beneficial in dealing with the emotions I'm trying to deal with, he rings the therapy department and expresses this to them.

I go to my assessment, it's a CBT therapist, it's a sales pitch for CBT, I have already had it three times In the past and I explain this to her, I explain both my GP and the CPN have advised me I straight up need psychotherapy, she still tries to push a 12 session CBT course on me. She says while it's not official policy they usually like people to wait 6-12 months before they have more  psychotherapy. This has changed from being told I have to wait three months to 6-12 now, the longer I'm on the waiting list the bigger they seem to wish to make it and I point out I have already been waiting 8 months now. She tells me she will have to consult and will ring me in a weeks time.

I get the phone call, she asks me if I have thought on CBT and when I say no, she doesn't have any more information with me and says she will have to consult someone called Amelia. I feel a bit more hopeful now as I remember that name and know it's the person the CPN made my case too. I just can't help but feel like every step of this is a fight.

Even the idea of having therapy with my old therapist (I think they only have one psychotherapist which maybe explains the push to cbt) is causing me to feel triggered. While she was mostly good. There was a point we were talking about if I could report it or not. She tried to say I couldn't because it was historic, then what really shook me was In regards to my Dad grooming my sister, because he never succeeded "he technically hadn't done anything" I disagreed with that and have found myself so angry but I walked away thinking she knew best on it being historic. So imagine my shock when I speak to a CPN who told me that not only can I report it, but that I should if I feel I need to know why social services never acted despite stuff being reported.

I don't know how I'm supposed to go into therapy with someone who has said things like that. I could respect her input if she had said in her opinion it wasn't worth the stress or she had concerns it would be highly triggering me, but she flat out made out like I couldn't.

FreeFalcon, I read part of the letter to your F but decided it could get too triggering for me. What I read was more than enough. I'm exhaling large breaths, my body started that of its own accord. I feel speechless. You have my deepest compassion. I am at a loss for words again. If you can accept it, I'll send a cyber 

Thanks Blueberry, for the cyber hug and words of support. I still don't know quite how to react to someone being able to relate so much, on one hand it's comforting to not be alone, on the other hand it pains me to know people can relate so much.

Doesn't matter if people get one line In, sometimes our bodies know 

That was really brave of you to do that. I also think that simple gesture alone really captures the essence of what it was like to be dismissed and ridiculed at the same time.

I got in touch with my Aunt again after I had been In therapy, I had pretty much come to the conclusion that it had been abuse, but I still felt the need to almost cross check first. I think there was a part of me that felt I was undeserving of the term abuse, but also due to just how serious some of it was I needed someone to go "Hey no you weren't imagining that"

I feel the need to say my Aunt did ring social services three times. But that almost shocked me more than someone saying, "we saw some stuff but didn't know what to make of it" I have tried to take comfort In the fact that someone did act (though the phone calls stopped after my sibling ran away which I think hurts me deeply, like because I was male I was supposed to be safe) but I was shocked to the core when my Aunt almost smirked and kind of bragged how she always "believed my sister" because my F had asked her too. Which has promoted so many questions of if that happened, why didn't you as an adult tell people, why didn't you speak out with my sister so hers wasn't the only voice.

This seemed to prompt a flashback, my Aunt has been pushing this narrative of her constantly working behind the scenes and it being services who failed to act, but I remember staying with her as a young teen after my parents had gone on holiday without me, I remember getting into some petty argument with her over a video game of my cousins I had borrowed. I lashed out at her verbally and she said "I'm not surprised your Mum nags you if you speak to her like that"

I understand people are just that human. But I'm not surprised I never spoke out more when people validated the abuse like that. I can almost feel the eye rolls and hope die inside me at what was seen as children "acting out"

And a letter to my Aunt, the onlooker.

I needed doors to be open to me and support when I was a child and teen, everything Is a little late now.

I have given it some time to make sure I am not having a knee jerk emotional reaction. I can't help but feel people still wish to trivialize things though and don't even take things seriously. People want to talk about what "video games" my parents let me play, do you know what I think messed me up.

Listening to Steve beat the dog, being picked up by my throat, being dragged over tables as a young child and being told "eat it or wear it" Watching my sister be slapped and called a dirty * by a mother who felt Rachel was trying to replace her. Watching my sister have scolding coffee thrown over her when my Mum would fly into a fit of rage. Going to a school and being called a tramp and scrubber. I could go on and on, It's endless, some of the neglect was very visible too. The worst part is there is years of my memory missing too and I dread to think what I can't remember, what's so bad I have blanked out if I can remember things as horrific as the dog being beat. Steve used to tell me stuff like "Stamp on the back of someones knee's if you don't want them to get up" how the military sliced necks he probably saw it on TV but this is the stuff he glorified to me and my sister, advice like "If anyone shows you their * hit them" That's the type of example Steve set for me when I was like 11/12 going into high school.

That's all on my parents the abuse, I blame them. But there is almost this attitude of "If you had only come to us" My sister did go to you, while I accept you might of not known it was grooming, I struggle to understand what you thought it was then. I didn't have much contact with my sister, but I will always remember asking her if she went to you, and if you helped, and I will always remember the pain In her face as she said no, maybe I'm being harsh, but my sister went to you for a reason, because she felt you would act, because you always presented yourself as this responsible adult. I accept she didn't tell you everything, but maybe she thought telling people her Dad trying to get her into bed should of been enough, and it should of. She went directly to you with that information.

I don't expect anyone to of taken personal responsibility for us, people have already made it clear, It was Steve's mess and we as his kids had to lay in it, but the least people could of done In the face of such neglect was to keep ringing social services until we got into social care. Even Mike noticed enough to warrant him coming to me off his own back and confessing he had thought about ringing social services. I understand not wanting to burden him with the extremes of it, but I feel like this silence within the family itself helped suppress what was going on, even if it wasn't intentional. Yes my Dad lied, but I feel shocked that even surprises people, like an abuser would admit to it. I looked through the cards again, it looks like he was trying to bribe my sister into sleeping with him too. she only got away from home because she was so close to 16 and the police said it was futile to drag her back, not because someone stepped In.

And I feel we get to the crux of the issue, it was easier to dismiss us as troubled children than for people to face what was really going on, and we were, just there were reasons for it, there were multiple warning signs and my sister even spoke out and physically came to you, just no one took her seriously enough.

And now people have the audacity to come and preach to me about family, talk about what a great job people did and video games my parents let me play, I don't want any part of a family who acted like that. Don't contact me again, don't associate me with this family, we were not beyond help or a lost cause people can make up for now, just people chose to pass responsibility on. My parents might be to blame for the abuse, but I'm heartbroken at every adult around at the time for being onlookers and allowing it to happen, I can't sit and listen to people say how they always suspected such and such, then people claim to of not known, and it's like which one is it. I remember being dismissed and minimized as a child\teen, watching my sister be minimized and not taken seriously, no one ever took me to one side and asked me, not family not school and not social services and there were so many chances.

If I could move away I would, I don't want or need all these constant reminders, to walk around In a town with the people who did the abuse, with the people who knew all along, it feels like It's been a joke that everyone else has been In on but me because no one ever felt it would be a good idea to talk to me during the many times people did have that chance when I was a kid. Even till this day I have to go over it all again with every new doctor or support worker because nothing Is on record. Maybe that's on social services, but to me I will never forget being minimized and having it dismissed as nagging, I will never forget people not taking my sister seriously enough. Maybe that's hypocritical of me, but when it happened, even with only my parents versions of events (because no one filled me In on what even happened, I mean how is that even a smart idea.. lets not even talk to the other kid) I believed my sister too, It was only after nothing was done I slipped into denial, because I thought well it can't be true if no one has done anything.

You will always be the family that stood by on the sidelines to me. I don't mean to be cruel when I say that. But it's how I feel. I'm not telling you any of this because I expect you to do anything, I just want you to understand the reasons why I'm so angry and hurt.

Thanks Three Roses for the sweet words. It's always nice when someone takes the time to comment. I don't always feel like I truly did survive, not intact anyway or as a functional person 

Okay so I have felt constantly triggered recently. In an attempt to not have this build up into another rage attack I have been writing letters. This ones a letter to my Dad one of the main abusers.

*Trigger warning*- Child abuse/grooming, animal abuse.
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It's funny the things therapy can help you remember. Seems It's not just "anxiety" I'm dealing with, but complex trauma and I have the hallmarks of someone with PTSD

Apparently being woken up as children to the sound of the dog being beaten can start to * you up pretty early. I remember that night because Rachel screamed and shouted for someone to do something, we honestly thought someone had broke In and was killing Lucy, but no it was you beating her. I can still remember your face when you told me she was being put down, you made a huge song and dance about it having to be you who took her In and how hard that was. Do you have any idea what it was like to wake up to the sound of the family dog being hit with a snooker cue as a child? There was very few things In that house that brought me joy, but Lucy was one of them. Now I still jump at loud noises, repetitive noises keep me awake. I remember how even the dog was traumatized of you both

Can you remember dragging me over tables by my throat as a child? I can, I can remember your "little eat it" or wear it phrase.

Mum was horrific with us and you turned a blind eye to it for whatever reason. But you told me you never knew what Mum was like fully, but after reading some of those cards between you and Rachel, she told you Mum attacking her was the reason she left. Mum was abusive, like she would hit Rachel for no reason calling her a dirty *, pour scolding coffee over her. I know you told other people how we would run to you In tears as kids once you got back from work. I even remember trying to tell you as a child that Mum was attacking us, you got so frustrated and said "Well would you have anyone else as your Mum" knowing damn well a  young child couldn't admit yes I would rather have a Mum who didn't bully and abuse us, you didn't want to hear it. You seemed mad at a child for even bringing it up, like you were already aware but didn't want the hassle of acknowledging it.

You sent me to primary school In sandals, I even had to go to high school in girls shoes once because the both of you didn't care enough about your own kids to clothe them properly, it was only because Grandma and Maggie helped us with clothes that we had the stuff we needed. I use to believe we were poor, until I started going to friends houses, I thought all my friends were rich initially. It took a while to dawn on me, but even Luke with two addicts for parents managed to give have a better home, a nice room, not one with my little pony wallpaper and holes In the wall, clothes that weren't charity clothes. Me and Rachel were known as the school tramps, I'm not surprised we didn't do well at school, that time I broke my hand was because I hit someone for calling us all tramps I actually use to fight to stick up for you. Yet you always had money to drink. Money to go out with, money for guitars, but getting the very basics off you as parents was such a battle and you seemed to resent having to spend money on what should of been essential items, instead letting me walk around known as the street and school tramp. I even started to work at what 14? So I could have normal things a teenage boy should have, and you even resented that because it "messed your night up". I even remember you borrowing Birthday money off us as children to go out drinking with.

I can remember you joking about Rachel's eating disorder. Remember joking about us ringing child protection because you wouldn't let us have a biscuit? Social services were rang, but not by us kids, you're own family rang social services on you after they saw us In the same charity clothes for weeks at a time.

Mum till this very day justifies what she did based on the fact she felt "Rachel was trying to replace her" Then all that stuff with Rachel, I tried to hang myself I was so deeply unhappy and * up by it. Mum saw the rope burns on my neck but neither of you ever did anything about the self harm, about Rachels eating disorder, because we were just doing it for effect right? Somehow two young children were both trying to harm themselves just to spite you right? Do you have any idea how self absorbed that attitude was. I remember you both getting so paranoid I was self harming, every time I banged my head or anything, you would accuse me of doing it to myself, you would make lies up saying stuff like "a little birdy told us you did it to yourself" Do you know how damaging it is to be constantly accused like that as a child, but if you really suspected anything why the were we not taken to doctors? You were both so self absorbed you thought two children were harming themselves to get back at you, it couldn't just be that being In a house with two mentally ill parents * us both up. Nope we should of been grateful according to you, I actually remember you comparing our situation to people In Africa and trying to make us feel shame for daring to want more than second hand clothes, I guess you had to because again I remember Luke being better looked after by people with heroin addictions, I honestly don't even know why you had kids if it was such a chore to provide for them.

I remember so many of your talks with you saying "how do you think I feel" and making things about you. You seem incapable of feeling empathy for other people, you chased my sister away, My Mum slowly went mad.

As for Rachel I never knew what to believe, until I spoke to Maggie and she told me you asked to sleep with her too. That's two family members now. I can't believe I stood by any of you, I worked, went to college and even helped look after Mum while you went to the pub. I'm not surprised I had a breakdown, a teen shouldn't of had to do any of that, I remember telling you that I was ill, and you told me "I'm ill too and I can go out" like it was some competition,  you started telling people I just needed a girlfriend when I needed you to get me to a doctor, instead I ended up In a hostel when I needed support the most, you even sabotaged my chances of getting help, I remember the hospital ringing because they were worried about me, I didn't know what to say and you took the phone off me "telling them I didn't want to speak to them because they had left it too long" like it was some point scoring game.

You then told people"I just needed a girlfriend" as my mental health deteriorated. No I needed the help of a doctor, both me and Rachel did from a young age, but you always covered it up, maybe out a fear of how it would look. I had spent a year looking after Mum with you, still basically a kid and seeing my mum try and kill herself, and you couldn't even stand me being in the house, shouting at me even if I read a book out of the way. You might not of kicked me out the first time but you damn well made sure you made life miserable enough I ended up leaving. I could of gone college for another year, you would of still got child benefit for me (you would of got it till I was 19 back then in full time education), I knew that at the time (seems that's what was truly important to you, how much benefit you could get for us) But I know you obviously just wanted me out of the house so you could have it to yourself. I know about Stella who was my Mums best friend and you were having an affair with her while Mum was In hospital. Not that Mum was any better shacking up with Tim

I'm so glad I got into therapy, for the longest time I thought something was just wrong with me, when In reality this family Is so messed up, anyone who has any contact with you ends up damaged. What's worse is you try and make people believe it was their fault. I remember telling you I was depressed as a teen and you being like "So imagine how I feel" If that was the case, shouldn't of struggling with these things made you more aware of the signs of mental health issues in your own children. If you didn't know what to do you should of let other people help. I remember telling you mum was abusive a few years ago and you pretended to be shocked, but then I read those cards and letters and Rachel told you it was why she was running away.

I remember even before I started therapy, you started talking about how even octopuses are just sometimes naturally skittish, still trying to distance yourself and what? Imply I have some personal weakness. I think you're confusing personality disorders and mental illness there

*Trigger warning* I have to say this diary will touch and deal with child abuse, child grooming and animal abuse as well as severe. Please be careful about reading this If it could trigger.

Hello lovely people of this forum. I'm writing this because I still have issues with dealing with the full reality of what happened to me and I'm hoping being able to put this into words may give me some framework to help me approach doctors in the future. Maybe half a year ago I still used the word abuse and struggled to call it that, or felt unsure If I really was even abused. Now I struggle to not feel stupid for not knowing sooner, I suspect this may be by inner critic trying to shame me. I can't express how much it helps to read your experiences on here and know I'm not the only one, that I'm not just "weak or crazy" Thank you to everyone that is brave enough to share and speak out, you pave the way for it being easier for us to speak out and I hope some of you are able to take comfort from the fact sharing your pain goes on to help the next person.

So I got into a very supportive and loving relationship about three years ago. Before that I had been very unstable, I had CBT three times but it actually made me worse (I think cognitive work Is great as part as a tool kit and essential at times, but I was forced into these crash courses for anxiety, the underlying issues were never explored and when it would not net the therapist the results desired, I was blamed for not using the correct thinking styles  which scared me away from therapy for a long time) I applied for therapy again and had an assessment. I wrote down everything and anything I felt was relevant, things that I was pretty sure irrelevant at the time, but I guess I felt I had to be super honest as I was struggling to understand why I was struggling with things such as affection. They tried to push me into CBT again despite me writing things down that should of been a red flag to any trained specialist, but luckily I was able to argue I had been down this road and I got into talking therapy.

I'm so guarded In therapy, but I think I got lucky. My therapist (T) was very astute. In all honest I suspect she was able to look at some events and guess what I was going through, the hard work for her was getting past my denial and suppression. I had a hard time at home, growing up In awful poverty and neglect and two parents with mental illness requiring me to take on responsibility a child and teen should not of had to. But at the time I would defend it, minimize it and excuse it, because that's what I had almost been conditioned to do so.

The first barrier my T broke down was the fact my Dad has an issue with alcohol. For some reason I had never faced this before, but we explored how me and my sister never had our own clothes, they were always hand me downs and charity clothes. I can remember being sent to primary clothes In a pair of sandals because my parents said they didn't have enough money to get me a proper pair of shoes, I was too young to understand at the time. I can however remember this carrying over into high school, being sent to school In girls shoes (An old pair of my sisters) which brought about students and even teachers laughing at me and the shame I felt. I can remember approaching my parents and my Mum just shrieking at me, my Dad and him shaming me, how it wasn't their fault, how I was actually "lucky, compared to children In Africa because I had a roof over my head and food on the table" I was shamed for daring to ask for more because "didn't I know they were on benefits and couldn't afford designer gear" Being a child/teen I internalized this, it didn't occur to me I was only asking for gender appropriate clothes and stuff that would stop me being a target to the names of tramp and scrubber. I use to always blush if attention was on me, I think I only ever felt safe at home if I was able to be ignored and blend into the background if I couldn't just be out playing all the time, I suspect some of this is why just being around people Is such a huge trigger to this day and why feeling like I'm being observed is so painful to me.

I guess he had to go to Africa, because that really was the closest example he could find. I grew up with a childhood friend who's parents were heroin addicts, yet I remember thinking all my friends were rich him included because they had carpets everywhere, because unlike me they didn't have my little pony wallpaper left over from their sister or holes In the wall,

I started to work at 14, just so I had the money to buy myself the normal things a teenage boy should have. The rest of the people I worked with were adults (I worked for a farmer as a car park attendant) and I actually enjoyed it despite working 7 In the morning till 4 In the afternoon on a Sunday. This soon angered my Dad though, he acted like I was going out of my way to mess up his weekend because if he drove me Sunday morning he couldn't "get pissed Saturday nights" I can still feel the anger radiating off him every time he took me and picked me up and dropped me off, and he let me know frequently I had done something wrong by taking his weekend away. I eventually had to go and stay with my Nana who lived closer by to work, but gave up my Saturday evening and night to do so.

I want to rewind a little bit here. I was always scared of my Dad, one of my earliest memories is him backhanding me so hard that it knocked me off my feet. I was only about 6 I think (I struggle to place so many of these memories) because my Mum was able to pick me up afterwards and cradle me. They had asked me to go and shout my older sister who was upstairs as we were all going out. I did what they always did and walked to the bottom of the stairs and shouted her name as loud as I could. I don't know if I was just copying them or I knew what I was doing, but I got told "don't be cheeky" and I replied "what I'm just doing what you guys do" And the next thing I know is I'm backhanded so hard that my world turned upside down.

I didn't get beat or hit on a regular basis, but there were enough times stuff that like that happened that we soon learned to fear my Dad and the threat of violence was very real, so much but were mostly able to avoid crossing him. I do however remember being very young, not yet a teen. Meal times were always horrible. I was labelled as a fussy eater, awkward. There are some foods that I don't like, though it seems to be textures that set me off. I remember struggling to eat these tinned tomatoes to the point they were actually making me gag, the next thing I know is I'm being dragged over the dining table by my throat knocking plates off. I can't remember what was said that time, but I do remember my Dad developed this phrase "Eat it or wear it" and it was said as a joke but there was genuine menace behind it too. Eating became an issue for both me and my sister. I can remember we both used to try and avoid eating, just because we didn't want to set our Dad off In a mood for asking for the "wrong" thing to be cooked. He would ask us what we wanted for tea, but if often felt like a trick question as he would go into a mood banging stuff and eve throwing stuff sometimes. We both began to say we weren't hungry but this would also set him off. We had the same cheese butty home made every day at school from primary school through high school too, I know we both started throwing it over the wall as soon as we walked to the bus stop. I'm not sure why we did that (we both did that but I thought it was just me until recently when my Mum said my sister also use to do it too, I don't know if I couldn't stomach eating the same thing all the time, or if it was something I was paranoid would mark me out for bullying at school and seen as a threat) I do remember I never had a drink and would get headaches all the time.

Us always being hungry was noticed by my Aunt, I only found out recently but she reported it to my school and social services. We were never spoken to, I believe my Dad told people we were kids out of control and fussy eaters. He had a CPN who would let us all be sent upstairs while him and my Dad watched football. I remember this being around the time my Dad started teasing us saying things like "Going to ring child protection because I won't let you have a biscuit" laughing and mocking us. I guess he thought we had rang. I remember my sister developed an eating disorder and would often be caught throwing up. This too attracted mocking, with him saying things like "What's the point in me making you anything, maybe I should just serve you sick back up till you keep it down" and him acting like it was funny.

And I was hoping to write more, but this has become longer than I expected and I'm tired and now crying (it feels good I have been keeping all this emotion locked inside) I will write more soon when I can.

Thanks everyone, I look forward to getting know all of you more too, all the replies made me feel very welcome.

believe it or not, just being impoverished is traumatizing as well as any words and/or behaviors laid on you. 

It's weird to think a year ago it's something I would of defended, I can well believe it though, it's another unfairness some of us have thrust upon us. Here's to healing too.

Eyessobluelue and Butterfly, sounds like you have both found ways to express yourselves. I'm finding it hard, my therapist has me writing a lot of letters but I seem to end up triggering myself more than anything recently I think because I try and push myself too fast, but I have also felt cleansed a couple of times after getting stuff into writing so I'm sure I'm on the right track. I felt stupid too, still do sometimes, I can hear my inner critic being all jaded and mocking how childish some things therapy has me doing are, like connecting with the child part of myself is still inherently bad 

Felt tips sound like an awesome idea, I have so much art stuff but I get too perfectionist at the moment, I have however felt really relaxed and almost got a glow like feeling from allowing myself to be a big kid and watching things like Ninja Turtle cartoons  I'm not sure it was an inner child moment, but I do hope it's teaching me it's okay to take pleasure In these things still.

On books I have found CPTSD surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker invaluable.

Fen, I'm sorry you share similar experiences and I do think this system has a lot of catching up to do at times. It was/is such a breath of fresh air though finally being able to slot some pieces of a puzzle together so I'm just grateful for that. My therapist seems to dislike labels but for me it's been such a brilliant point of reference for days I get a little lost, I can finally understand why and find ways to help myself.

Thank you everyone for the welcome and sharing your experiences too!

Thought it was about time to introduce myself. I recently got into therapy, I have had CBT therapy multiple times for my "anxiety" and it never seemed to work and if anything seemed to make me worse. I got myself into a loving healthy relationship a few years back and had a supportive person In my life for the first time. Should of been a beautiful healthy thing and In some ways it was and still is, but it started to show that I have serious issues over certain things like affection, becoming utterly despondent from what we thought was just severe depression at the time.

I have little faith In the mental health system here In the UK, but I hated how my issues were affecting my partner and tried to get myself into therapy again, I won't go into too many details on the battle that was because I imagine that may be a point of frustration for others here. They tried to push CBT on me again, thankfully I was able to be assertive that day and refused and got myself into talking therapy.

I'm so thankful that happened, I ended up with a very insightful and clued up therapist who got to the true underlying issues. Turns out my childhood was abusive In many ways, I had always knew I had a tough childhood, but blamed it more on poverty, I don't know why but I never considered I had been through abuse and have been in denial for so long. It's been so hard working past my denial, hard reliving certain things and dealing with this new reality. My therapist was very reluctant to diagnose but I really pushed the issue because my whole life revolves around these issues and sadly to my doctors I have always just been an anxious person and it was all In my head and got dismissed or got told I "just needed to get out more". Turns out I have all the hallmarks of CPTSD. With that information, I have made more progress In the past 7 months than Ive made In multiple years trying to beast my so called anxiety, I feel I can finally take responsibility and beat this stuff or at least heal now I know what I'm dealing with

I'm doing Inner child work now, and writing letters to my younger self and other people who have played parts in various things, and some on the stuff on here has really helped when I hit brick walls.

So yeah all that being said I look forward to getting to know some of you!