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Hi Three Roses! Thank you I'm new to forums in general so I hope I can figure out how to use it to help me.

I feel like I'd say the exact same thing to someone else but I find it very hard to believe it for myself (don't we all??).

One thing I struggle with a lot is finding a way to express what I'm thinking/feeling in a healthy way and communicating with others what is going on with me.

Thank you, you're right. One thing at a time, a day at a time.

I feel like this self-destructive behaviour is something I do to hurt myself, but also to try and make other people notice what I'm feeling. I'm so bad at acting how I am feeling, I just resort to being politely happy.

It's really difficult to focus on the positives, I spend so much time worrying that I've made myself look like a mess to other people or that they're weirded out by stuff that I've said or done. I can't decide if I want people around me to know what is going on with me or if I want them to just think everything is okay for purposes of not being embarrassed/thought of as a mess. 

That's a good idea, I think a simple list will help because just looking at my room seems overwhelming and then I just get caught up in hating myself for letting it get this bad.
It's 2am here but I've been asleep all day so I can do some stuff now:
- Shower
- Empty rubbish out of my room
- Empty my fridge of gone off food
- Put dirty plates by the sink
- Put an alarm on for tomorrow
- Make a list of things to do for tomorrow

I think that's doable. Perhaps I need to just write off the past couple of weeks and start again tomorrow? Otherwise I keep feeling guilty, and embarrassed ):

Hey Dee.
I've been to a doctor and to a therapist, unfortunately they both told me that as I'm "functioning" I can't get talking therapy on the NHS (UK). I'm currently on Venlafaxine and it sort of helps, it just makes me super numb which has it's own challenges ):

I'm also on a waiting list to get trauma counselling, but I've been on that list since January and when I get it, it will only be 20 weeks. The state of support for PTSD/CPTSD where I live is awful unless you pay for it privately. But I can't afford to do that.

Hello, I'm new here!

I've been raped twice since I was 16, coerced into sexual activities by abusive boyfriends that I didn't want to do, I've been in physically and emotionally abusive relationships and I've been assaulted several times. For so long I've been functioning, achieving and looking after myself. I currently have a really supportive, understanding and loving relationship but we live in different cities now due to University. 

I've been on a several week spiral of self-destructive behaviours that leave me hungover, sleeping all day, hating myself and missing work/university. I've been drinking quite a bit, deliberately not taking my medication, avoiding showering/eating properly, not keeping myself or my room tidy/clean, sleeping all day until 4pm, not going to my university classes, not doing university work and not going to work.

The scariest part though is that I've started to really want other people to hurt or use me. I go clubbing and I'm looking for men to just use my body and I put myself in risky situations. I'm thinking about how much I want to be raped again, I want to recreate what happened when I was 16. I also want men to physically hurt me.

I've never self harmed. It's not something I can see myself ever doing either. I want to be hurt but I don't want to do the hurting, I want someone else to do it to me. When I'm drinking my mind is just SET on that happening and I won't even think rationally about it.

Has anyone got similar experiences? Has anyone got any suggestions for fighting the self-hatred that follows in the mornings or ways to 'get up and going' (cleaning up my room, having a shower etc)? I really want to get back to looking after myself again ):

Hello, I'm new to the forums. Discovered it today after a couple weeks of spiralling. I've been drinking, spending money, letting myself get into a mess, not showering, missing work, sleeping all day, not taking my medication, going clubbing and looking for men to hurt me.

I've only recently got a sort-of diagnosis of PTSD (my doctors both "don't believe" in diagnosing mental health difficulties). I'm not currently having any therapy or professional support. My "problems" have always been looked at in isolation when I go to the doctor or have been in CBT, never as a whole set of things that have happened. I was in an extremely controlling/emotionally abusive relationship from the ages of 14 to 16, raped at 16, assaulted at 17, in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship between 17 and 21, raped again at the start of this year and assaulted on a couple of occasions this year while drunk at clubs. My self esteem is nil, my self loathing is through the roof.

Despite considering myself someone who is really clued up on abusive relationships (I campaign in my university on sexual violence and abusive relationships) I spent four years (three at university) with a man who treated me awfully. He was incredibly jealous and I'd always be walking on eggshells worrying about whether or not I've made him angry by doing something. He would be so jealous about people we lived with, which made it hard to just live in this house with people. I felt so trapped and embarrassed by his behaviour. 

When he was drunk he could fly off the handle at any point, it wouldn't always lead to him being violent towards me but he would get extremely angry and confrontational with me. On the rare occasions that he would get physical, he would: pull my hair, pull me about by my hair, shove me, put his hand around my throat, bite my face, drag me by my arm or clothes, rip my clothes.

I honestly didn't even THINK of this as abnormal, abusive or an unhealthy relationship. In the morning things would always be different, he'd act like nothing happened or that we were equally bad. It didn't help that people around me would carry on as normal (we had a room each in a house share with 6 other people). They would drink with him as if everything was normal.

Even now I can't help but feel like I'm exaggerating the impact of this relationship, that those things weren't actually that bad in context because they didn't happen often and that I'd provoke him like knock his drink over, walk off or dig my nails in his skin. I mean if it was really REALLY bad, wouldn't our friends/housemates have done something or wouldn't want to drink with him anymore? Am I just blowing this out of proportion to make myself feel like an innocent party in the relationship? Has anyone been in a similar kind of relationship?