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Thank you for all the kind words. I never thought of myself as a 'survivor.' Actually, I've been coming down hard on myself for just surviving, and not doing more. Not working, I feel lazy. Not socializing or trying to make friends, I feel lonely. Looking at my body I feel obese and weak.

My therapist says that I am being too hard on myself. Technically she is right. But by being hard on myself I how I have plugged through so many years.

I learned in High School that the best way to not be insulted by bullies is to insult yourself first. Learn every weakness you have and grow comfortable with them. Then, when they insult me, with a straight face I could just say...So, I already knew that. It gave them no extra ammunition. A few people were worried I would retaliate in my final years of High School, I didn't. I just avoided everybody as much as possible. I'm back at doing that. I avoid the world.

I fantasize of leaving this place, this hemisphere, and going somewhere far away to start over. That won't happen. Its my only dream lately.

I sometimes wish for a woman I could be close to, make me feel good about things, and provide me comfort. That won't happen either.

*, I sometimes wish for a job that paid enough for me to move out. That might happen.

Its survival of the strongest out there. I'm weak. Life has made me weak.

This week I will try to quit smoking and start getting my health in order. I'm in very rough shape. I have to see the GP this week, not looking forward to it. Have to discuss my weight, my heart issues, my liver issues, and what I need to take or do to fix it. Ugh.

This will allow me to keep taking it one day at a time. Once I feel a bit better, I make get some luck for a change. Maybe somebody will go to bat for me and let me have a job. Who knows. It would be stupid to call a quits after going through so much. I won't quit like that. But I have very low expectations.

I am in agony.

My current diagnosis is Bipolar I Mixed Episode, Moderate. I have had the diagnosis for over a year now. I live in a constant agitated depression.

My therapist says I have complex PTSD from serious and compounded childhood trauma. I also have PTSD from my past two years experience suffering a severe mental illness, overcoming extreme alcoholism, and enduring being unemployable while living with my Borderline Mother and Codependent Father.

When I was young, there was some intimate abuse. I don't talk about it. I can't discuss it with my doctors because state law requires it to be reported. There is no statute of limitations. I cannot handle going forward and it would also render me homeless and destitute. I was mild to possibly moderate in nature compared to other stories I've heard.

I had a bad case of what they now call Developmental Coordination Disorder. I couldn't hold a pencil properly, dress properly, I had substantial motor delay. I saw an occupational type therapist at school until the second grade. I couldn't play sports at all and had no athletic ability. My doctors lately have suggested it may have been the result of surviving a severe infant encephalitis (brain infection). I don't know.

My neighborhood had over ten boys my age. They were all stronger and far more athletic than me. I was gifted academically. They weren't. I was also Jewish. They weren't. I did want to fit in and had bullying friends.

One bully really didn't like me. He challenged me to fights. He knocked me out each time. The last two were videotaped by my best friend at the time. That last fight, in the eleventh grade, lost me all my friends. I never went to one high school dance, had one high school girlfriend (and still have never had one), had no social life at all, and yes I even skipped prom. I was very angry. But I decided to start getting good grades. I wanted to grow up to be a politician - I was an enterprising Young Republican. That didn't end well either.

School was *. My parents and others encouraged me to join the wrestling team in 10th grade to regain my pride. I was awful. The coaches abused me. I became anorexic for a short time. I then became a binge drinker. I was scared to death constantly. I had an accident where I fell and broke both my wrists, bruised my tailbone. It was awful and I got picked on for that too.

Life at home was no better really. Mom was always hot and cold - one minute she lavished me with gifts, the next she said I secretly wanted her dead, the next she said she wished she never been born, and finally we would go out for ice cream. My parents stopped having sex right after I was conceived. I was told this. My Dad suffered childhood abuse himself. His has used me as a therapist for decades now. Mom used to scream so loud the neighbors would hear. I was guilt tripped about the most petty stuff.

And then I went to college. I drank more than anybody else. I did have some friends though. I've lost them all by now. I used to think of those days as the 'glory days' but they weren't. I was in pain then too.

I've never had any kind of relationship. I've never dated. I've never had sex either. I am 29 years old.

Most of my twenties were wasted time. I shuffled through some jobs. I lived in and out of my parents house. Every job I had was some kind of factory type work and far below my education and ability set. I had no confidence to try to improve myself. I drank alot. I smoked a lot of weed too. I still had some good friends at times. They are all gone now. I am totally alone. Mixed Bipolar will do that. My extended family ran away too.

Two years ago I was working a State Government contractual job and well, totally lost it. I became a total insomniac. I was a raging alcoholic too which makes it far worse. My arms would violently twitch. I got burning mouth syndrome. I lost most of my mental faculties. I thought I was having strokes. The neurologist dismissed me of course as a nut job. Over time I couldn't stand still, I would constantly walk the neighborhood and mumble to myself. I thought I was going to die at any day due to lack of sleep.

I became desperate for any sense of well-being or pleasure. My parents enabled my eating junk food - I gained 70 pounds in three months. I would take ten showers a day just to feel hot water on my body. It is hard to re-imagine the total fear state my brain was in. If I wasn't walking the neighborhood, I would scream at myself in the mirror for giving myself wet brain. I thought I had wet brain. I was totally psychotic.

I desperately wanted to go to the hospital. My Mom said she would disown me if I did. She said it was a personal problem to be dealt with at home. I was finally allowed to quit my job. I kept calling in sick so it was inevitable anyway. I couldn't drive, couldn't read well, had to have all forms done by my parents, everything was * and all was lost. I called a few people I thought I had wronged a plead with them to help me. None did. My extended family pretended I was just being eccentric. It was awful. I was afraid of being in such pain on the streets. Without a firearm, and having seriously overdosed on drugs without even a sedative effect, I knew I was stuck being alive until luckily I might pass. I constantly blamed myself for my profound misfortune. I was so lonely too. It was total *.

After four months of eventually ended up in a daily fetal position, I saw my psychiatrist for the first time. He said that if he could cure me by slamming a car door on my hand, that I would readily do it. I totally agreed. I even said he could saw it off. I meant it.

Some doctors think I might actually have MS or something like it. Would not be surprised.

We first tried Olanzapine. I finally slept but no other effect. Abilify. Nothing. Latuda - even worse. Seroquel. Some progress. I now take 1000mg Seroquel, 1mg Rexulti, 20mg Viibryd, and Nuvigil to be awake sometimes. I still feel pain with all that medication. Its amazing.

I've developed other health problems. I have super high blood pressure. My liver is somewhat damaged. I am at high risk of diabetes. I suffer from serious back pain. My legs are hard to move, they are heavy, walking is sometimes difficult. I'm constantly fatigued. I take a total of nine medications. I have far more symptoms.

I'm dying a slow death right now. My parents have improved some. Life at home is a bit more bearable. I haven't worked in two years. I'm in a lot of debt. I weight 300 pounds. I have no friends. I feel like I should just consider my life to be over. People say I should exercise, eat right, and that I should be proud I did indeed get my brain back. Everybody says I'm so damn smart. So what? I'm a total loser.

What would you do? Thank you.