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"I'm so anxious, even hyper-vigilant, but the upside to being a somewhat nervous personality is that if I like something I'm bursting with enthusiasm & encouragement & let people know!); some people are calm & steady and don't need to express how much they're  enjoying something"
Hey dear All, this is a great thread, thanks for the Endeavour!
))
I thought always, this problem of making nonabusive friendships, and such at a warm, relaxed pace, was my personal defect only... just as the longing for the good ones and coming often across the more familiar type..
I used to be completely unable to sleep even after the nicest contacts, any social contact was a trigger... haven't seen people for y e a r s except 10 minutes a week once, due to exhaustion reaction... I thought, it was Cfs/me - but some of my co fellows with Cfs had a l o t of social contacts, even when weak. They found them strengthening:))))))
Now I approach or try to approach the same good taste, and am really grateful to learn here, to go slow, but not low;))
Warmly,
Bird

Dear three roses,
thankyou for your nice welcome!
Good to receive:))), or be received:))
Bird

"If you want something done, you've got to do it yourself, maybe."

Dear survivor, I personally think, look for a therapist on your own:))
Because some things are much better to approach if you can share with somebody, who is really on your side.
My recommendation is "relational psychoanalysis" -it is a pretty new development and analysts working in this sense do deeply acknowledge mutuality and are very aware of trauma... there is a book by Dan Shaw, who describes his own story and then how he works with patients who are victims of Traumatizing Narcissits, and reading it, even if it has theoretical elements too, you might get an idea, what a really supportive therapy could be, that helps you looking at the scary experiences thatcome back even in the most usual daily routines, contaminated world, as it felt for me a long time...
Alone is a bit to too heroic, because of course, you have been alone in this  all your life long.. So, look for one;) friendly;)) routine every day, and then for a good relational therapist / relational analyst...Discover how it works to work together...and still be alive and not destroyed for it..
Warmly,
Bird ( I had 3 tries, and waited far too long..which I bitterly regret, now, that I found someone so helpful to work with..don't turn 50 before you dare moving out of the closet;//) Trust is very difficult for people like us, and also to discover abusive communication. Look for someone who puts your safety on top and also emphasizes that you articulate freely any disagreement with him or her.
- because this can help the process immensely..

Dear Tea, ears all up:)))

...what a Situation... it turns you into victim a n d doer, and also your brother.. of course the perfect form of delegation...
My idea to begin interrupting the pattern would be, if possible, to make a open remark to your brother, letting him know somehow, that you do n o r feel comfortable, when you please the parents ignoring him..
Let him know about your dilemma..
Because pretty shure he is not aware how he himself is also made a victim and doer ( to you then) ..
If the two of you could begin to share a view from outside on the pattern of the setting as whole, perhabs this would open ways to act and feel differently, - if not towards the parents, then to each other...
Because the way it is, this is how slaves were disciplined - never solidaric out of fear..
But if the sleaves start to communicate and discover, that their best and what position in hierarchy are pretty much the same, and how they are habitually used, then a freedom to make unexpected steps can unfold.
So my advice would be to dare a communication.
Perhabs not even as "declaring personal borders" but rather as letting the other participate in your difficulty to "do da right ting"...
Discover doublebinds logic, where doing right is per se I m possible!
Perhabs small remarks will already do for the beginning, depending on how emotionally relaxed the two of you can communicate..
It's precious to have each other...
Warmly:))),
Bird

Hello, dear All:)))
I am new here and in recovery process via a relational psychoanalysis which is a wonderful support to understand the first time what was going on..:/
Unfortunately my mothers severe narcisstic abusal and my father looking away has weakened my condition pretty much - so, that I am gaining back now after 10years or longer of total weakness some intellectual and artistic elan vitale, but still my body doesn't allow to make money, the cancer treatments were successful, but weakened me a lot, and Cfs/me added to it...://
...I try to deadrenalize, and it works (more or less;/) as long as I do not have to have contact with my mother.
But I am 53 now and past 15 years my parents had to support me completely, and for that reason I do not feel free to risk explicit conflict whwn I visit them or when she sends her doublebinds emails etc.

( I tried, the result were months of decline on all levels) - my father is, despite all his mistakes a very lovely person, and I do not want to loose contact to him. So I still visit them once a year..( next week again://) 

..... I would be really glad to learn how or if any one was able to solve such a situation of dependency? I am officially out of any work capacity, and it would be an illusion, at least two more years, to think it could change to financial independence...
Inspirations are very welcome!!

Thanks, and some color sparkles from a lovely early November-city, inhabited by sun:))))
, Bird