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I'm very happy to have stumbled across this forum - it's heartbreaking to know others are experiencing things like this, but it has also helped SO MUCH to see that others are dealing with these issues, and coming out on top sometimes

we had a long talk - about all the things that trigger me. why they do, where my head goes when these moments happen. and talked about how we could work with them.
Reading another thread on here about false red flags helped. I brought that up - my fear of committing myself to a person and trying to build a life when I know what the outcome CAN be (not WILL be mind you..) has led to me constantly seeking signals that it's a possibility. and then when I see these signals (or what I misconstrue to be signals, but are usually just innocent comments) I start imagining what is ahead - but with my broken mind I then slip into believing it and then acting as if these things (that have not actually happened in the present! but are projections of my past onto my future) are occurring now. Emotional flashbacks, thank you for the shorter description haha. actually having a name for what is happening will help me to shorten my realization time and hopefully be more on top of controlling it.

From many perspectives our relationship may look like a relatively "new" one. we've been dating about 5 months (and in total have known each other for just over a year). but we are both 30 years old, and went into this trying to be as honest as possible, we both see potential, but I have a ton of work to do.

we've agreed to work together - for now - but on the understanding that if I have another episode like the most recent one then we can't continue. I put both of us at risk.


thank you sanmagic7 and Three Roses for responding. it's nice to know you are heard after shouting out into the infinite void (the internet haha)

thank you for sharing!

oh man,I wish I had answers for you! I am stuck in this cycle myself.
in the past I have been cheated on, in various ways (whether they actually acted on it, or simply had an active account on a site like adultfriendfinder) .and it makes it damn near impossible for me to trust anyone now. even when they open their world to me completely, I see one friend on their facebook list who I know they expressed interest in before (say before we were even dating, we've know each other a while). and then I fall into a rage assuming they are simply waiting for this girl. even if they have no real contact with them beyond simply having them on a friends list (and really, I'm sure many of us have a great number of "friends" on facebook whom we no longer really have any contact with, or maybe weren't even that close with to begin with)

How does everyone else deal with their jealousy? does being more self secure help? I know crippling bouts of insecurity often preclude my jealous episodes, but trying to completely rewire my brain to see MY value after enduring previous emotional abuse is damn near impossible

I have destroyed relationship after relationship because of this, and I don't want to anymore.

This may be a long one...

BACK STORY
I have been anxious/depressed for as long as i can recall now. I would not say I have CPTSD from my childhood - though I did grow up in a miltary family so I do have many issues from my father not being around/being less than stellar when he was. (I do think he tried, but as a child I was very scared of him!)
This led to me being codependent and looking for support from others in adulthood.
As a result I ended up in a year long relationship that was abusive. emotionally, very physically, at one point I attempted to kill myself. it seemed the only way out. I did not have the money to deal with things, after the most recent fight at the time when he had broken my nose I had no way to the hospital so I never went (my nose is still crooked and a reminder every time I look in the mirror, now 8 years later). I drank a bottle of liquor, and downed a bottle of sleeping pills. HE came home early from work that day, I ended up in the hospital in time. (I only later found out that he had WAITED UNTIL I PASSED OUT/TUNED BLUE. he did not call the ambulance immediately after seeing what had happened.). but before knowing this I saw him as a bit of a saviour, and after my weeklong spell in the psych ward we set to patching things up again. Of course it was a neverending cycle. After months I found a new job that pair more money - I lied about how much I was making and I started a savings account. One day we had a fight where the police showed up to the house (I wish I could say that was the first time). but after they took him away, I looked at how much I had saved and I booked a rental car and left the province.
I bounced around cities for a while. Wanting to go back to where I had lived before moving away with this person, but also not wanting people to see the new broken me. Surprisingly  few people ask questions though

PRESENT DAY
I live across the country, I actually moved to a town where I knew no one for the first time in my life. I have a decent job. After a string of failed attempts at romance I finally found someone who loves (well, I guess now I should say Loved) me. He knows about my past, and tries to be patient. But I have episodes, I don't know what else to call them. Small things can trigger me - comments about my hair or words I miscontrue to be hurtful. Even after he clarifies what he said and assures me I'm beautiful, I go on a tailspin of recalling my past - where my ex bullied me to the point of an eating disorder, where when I made a mistake I had plates thrown at me, where he would openly fantasize about other girls and friends, ... And i project all of this into the now. It's like a curtain falls and I am back in those moments, and the man standing in front of me becomes my past, and I end up yelling hurtful things. the other night we fought and I dented his car. But when these things happen I essentially black out, details afterwards become sparse. I'm not sure WHAT happened or was said. I know how it began, and I know they reacted in a way that was not out of line (he has never ever raised his voice, said purposefully hurtful things, has ever made me feel threatened in any way).

Obviously he no longer wants to deal with this. And I can't ask him too. But it is in this moment that I am losing the only person I have opened up to completely about this. and who loved me regardless (until I started to harm him/his belongings).
I know I shouldn't ask someone to stand by me while I try to get help and deal with my disorder. previously I had been to therapists who attempted to help me with depression, or anxiety - usually prescribing drugs that do no good for me. I self diagnosed PTSD but it's never quite seemed to fit me. I only recently learned about CPTSD, and I feel like I finally have a way of describing what UI am going through and a foundation to start on repairing the real issues and not the surface reactions.

But  now I fear that is just my co dependant tendencies trying to hold on to someone. and I'm questioning if I do love them or if I'm just seeking validation and they happened to fill that void. And if I am trying to hold on to a relationship only out of fear.


does anyone else have a significant other who has stayed with them through this? who is understanding? how have they been able to help? how have you been able to help them? Have you been able to control episodes of lashing out, and how?


thanks for reading. It feels really good to finally open up this, all in one go and not in bits and pieces as I try to feel more trusting of people