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There sure is a lot of information at this site for psychotropics.  It's comforting to know I'm not alone (my sister would make fun of me for taking meds - interesting because she took antidepressants also yet I was the "crazy" one).  I have been off all psychotropics for about a year and a half.  This was probably a mistake, as I have been diagnosed with major depression. 

I was hanging in there (employed but not doing a lot of socializing) until I quit smoking this May.

I don't know why, but I couldn't sleep, lost interest in my usual activities, and was suffering from some major EF and anxiety.

I'm done with the suffering and am going to the doctor this week.  You know the feeling that you really need to do something for yourself (like get on some antidepressants) but you're just too tired to do it?  Well, I'm going in.  I've taken a variety of meds in the past but obviously some work better than others.  Paxil and Prosac weren't too great for me.  I think Wellbutrin worked well for the quitting smoking and Zoloft was OK.
I hope my doctor has a good background with antidepressants.  It's weird that GP's prescribe them anyway.  I don't have a therapist.

The doctor prescribed me zolpidem for insomnia and that really never helped.  Plus, I had a period when I didn't remember what I was doing (could tell I was playing a computer game because score was really high).

And, since I live in Washington, I went and bought some marijuana.  Haven't used for many years because made me paranoid.  Got the extract to put in herbal tea, indica, works great.  Also its a pain reliever.
Doesn't make me feel high, maybe a little numb.

Hope it doesn't become a habit though.  I drank way too much alcohol in my 20's, went to AA and all that.  I guess I just wanted to share where I'm at right now, if anyone can relate.

Thanks Kizzie.  I took a nice bath and I'm having the tea people recommended.  I just keep on tearing up - but it feels more like a positive release of emotions.

Which brings me to another point - recovery is certainly not linear.

It's been awhile since I posted here but I have been lurking from time to time.  I wanted to share what's going on with me and also to thank everyone on the forum for sharing their experiences.

CPTSD is so isolating and so few people understand what is going on with us.  Yesterday a young woman I work with asked me how my day was going.  As I had just arrived at work, I told her the day was still young.  You know, casual conversation.  She seemed upset and said, "It's such a nice sunny day out!  You should be having a great day!"  Um, I didn't take this conversation too seriously but it illustrates a point - I wish I could get up, look at a lovely day, and say wow, it feels great to be alive.
For no reason at all.

I believe I have done this before in my life but the memory seems distant and the response miraculous at this point.

But I digress and want to actually report some positives going on, which I need validation on.
I have actually been able to recognize a flashback (albeit not a real knockout one), step away before going automatically in freeze/fawn mode, and make an appropriate response. It felt great.

I have labored over setting boundaries for well, all of my life.  I had none.  I finally realized the price I paid for not having them.  I obliterated myself.   Now I have to reclaim myself.
I'm overwhelmed.  OK, this is not exactly breaking news here, but I never really felt I was worthy on my own to express opinions, to have needs, to be an asset to the human race because I am unique and there will never be another one of me.
All this soul-searching is pretty draining and I think I need a break right now.  Does this make sense?  Thanks

I promised myself I would be more active on this board.  I lurk regularly and am constantly amazed at people having the same experiences as I've had.

For example - disassociating.  I have tasked myself to be more aware of my bodily reactions and am surprised how much I do it.  I'm new to this, but my definition of disassociation is not feeling completely in my body "floating" a little, and feeling anxious with some stomach upset.  I also close in my peripheral vision, if that makes sense - I'm not completely aware of my surroundings.

What is upsetting to me (and not the least of my problems) is that I do this a lot when I'm driving.

How I've managed to avoid accidents, I have no idea. 

I'm also not sure exactly what I perceive the danger as being.  I know I feel safer in some locations, but what triggers it is still a work in progress.

I also find myself starting the day off badly.  If I need to go to work or go somewhere at a specific time, I go nuts making sure I have everything.  It's not just fretting because I can't find my cell phone, it's a blind panic.  I can't find my brush, I can't find my keys, and then my vision field, like I mentioned before, gets smaller.  When I'm finally ready and driving off, I double-check everything again (more unsafe driving practice) to make sure I have everything.

All before I even really start the day.  No wonder I'm exhausted when I get home. 

First, it's weird and sad to me that I didn't even think this was self-defeating behavior.  Second, I never considered getting things ready the night before.  Third, are these symptoms of C-PTSD?
As in, what normal people would consider being in a rush in the morning I take as more life and death-I'll be yelled at for not being prepared, that is a horrible thing, and I'm too stupid and disorganized to get myself together(says the inner critic) Thanks

Thank you for the welcome, Boat.  I feel like I'm in right place.  Although I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to feel more comfortable in my own skin, I think C-PTSD is at the bottom of most of my discomfort. 

I'm having a tough time trying to identify emotional flashbacks and how to deal with them.

Thank you, schrodinger!  I have enjoyed reading your posts.  I'll try the book.  I don't like to be reminded of my family, but I guess I have to start recognizing the triggers better.

Thanks for the welcome and validation, Con and Kizzie!  I feel like I've taken positive steps today.  Ordered Pete Walker's book today too.  Hugs, Blackbird

Thank you for your welcome, Kizzie.  The information at OOTF was helpful, though with all my FOO gone due to death or NC, I didn't want to be reminded of all the drama that went with dealing with them.

I am struck with how much more gentle the approach is here - I love the fact that there are cat lovers and book lovers and poetry quoting.

I believed for a long time that to have power in this world that you had to be angry like my mother or a quick tongue like my ex-husband. 

If you were quiet and shy like myself you were weak and therefore a target.

I have a lot to learn, but I'm starting to think it's okay to be me here.

Thank you, Con.  I do want to be active on this forum.  I struggle with guessing what is normal still.  I don't know who exactly "me" is.  I am tired of trying to adopt behaviors, hobbies, opinions, etc.  because they seem popular, or would make me more popular.

Ah, I'm fed up with not taking care of myself, not putting myself first, wanting to agree with everyone, and second-guessing myself.

And, I'm especially tired of feeling that I'm too lazy, weak, or not self-disciplined to change my life.   Here's to challenging that inner critic ---

I've been on OOTF for a while, although not very active. I need to take a break from self-examination sometimes.  It seems my whole life I've been searching for peace from the raging critic in my mind.  I've been diagnosed depressed, but that is not the whole picture. 

I've abused alcohol, taken various psychotropics, stumbled upon PD's and am convinced my mother and sister are NPD, and now am convinced I have C-PTSD.

My ex-husband was diagnosed as NPD and unfortunately my son was diagnosed with C-PTSD, which causes a lot of guilt for me.

I wanted so to stop the cycle.  Fortunately, he has a good therapist and is improving, albeit slowly.

But I guess this is about me.  I have read your stories and nothing else I have encountered in my journey for peace of mind has resonated more. 

The main problem is, as others have expressed, my minimization of how it happened.  It was covert verbal abuse.  I don't have many childhood memories, and to all outside appearances I had a normal middle class childhood.

I need others to verify my reality.  As most of you know, few understand our pain.

I have lost my FOO, old friends, and countless opportunities to enrich and enjoy my life due to my fears.

I'm getting too old for this.  I'm 57 and I want to enjoy the rest of my life.  I look forward to sharing the journey with you.