Messages

I love using lucid dreaming. I wish I could use it on my nightmares, though. I think I saw someone else mention it - I have a lot of different dreams in a night. Most of the dreams I remember are pleasant, but there are frequent nightmares mixed in there and I usually am not as conscious of them (in fact, I only notice most of them by the fact that I wake up with a racing heart and nausea or other physical symptoms.) I use lucid dreaming a lot just as a release and almost like a drug - a state of mind I can relax and be free in. I've tried my hand at lucid dreaming that's initiated at the start of sleep (astral projection is how I think of it,) and that's great, as well as lucid dreaming in an already established dream. I just wish I could become more aware of my trauma related dreams, it's like I experience them mostly subconsciously.

Will keep this brief. Went through 'ritual abuse,' and unrelated abuse in pretty much every other context of life. There are so many different pieces of trauma. I don't even totally know what's happened in my life - not even close. It feels like I'll die before I work through all of this, and in the meantime my ability to feel is so muted and dead. A lot of times it feels like I really did die and this is just me taking too long to finally move on past this life. It's been about a year since I acknowledged the RA, and more than three since I acknowledged the abuse in the home. Things are better, but that's not a high bar to cross. I am tired of feeling- whether through panic attacks or flashbacks- like I am about to die. In truth, I don't feel like I'll make it past this year or the next. My time always feels limited. And it is, all people die. I just can't seem to get over feeling like I will die sooner rather than later, before I do any of the things I want to do. There are so many things I want to learn and so many skills I want to develop (the idea of having children or a family still seems like something I just can't do.)

I am very open... For anyone we see regularly, they probably know something. So many things lead me to want to talk about trauma-related stuff during regular conversation, and I don't care what people think of me so I don't bother to censor myself. It has mostly worked out, though I did get let go from a job because of it (which was arguably good - it allowed me to find a job that is understanding.) All friends and S/O's know.

EDIT: I misread. How many people do I know with CPTSD? I feel like it's a lot of people, but most are undiagnosed. I think child abuse is something society tries to smooth over, and confuse people on whether or not they really experienced something "big" like that. There are certain people that seem more "real" to me, and those people are coincidentally either other victims or predators.