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Belated thanks to everyone who replied. It was a comfort to me.

Had to be social with people three times in three settings yesterday. That's 1-2 more than I like. The whole lot--family, friends, coworkers, strangers--scattered throughout the day. I was emotionally tired but doing well physically and having fun. Then, at the end of the evening, someone brought up a faux pas I committed some time ago. I was being silly and did something to make people laugh, but I doubted it some time after and indeed it was poorly received. She may have brought it up so I would not repeat the faux pas. I think I took it well, chin up, just saying "oh" or something like that, while looking serious. Now I feel like I, in being a free spirit and a clown embarrassed myself, upset people, let people down, am viewed as immature, stupid, rash, insensitive. I did not intentionally hurt anyone when I did this and as far as I understand, no one was hurt by it. But the feelings remain.

I had been having EFs about a similar thing for weeks. My mother brings that one up from time to time, most recently months ago, and when she sees it makes me unhappy, she tries to smooth it over. She has done this about three or four different times. I have started to put my foot down about her doing it.

I would take the things like this back, yes, but as no one was directly harmed by my being an idiot, and I don't make a habit of it, I would like to archive that memory and move on. It may take some work to hold my head as high with these people. It is tempting to withdraw, but as I cannot fully withdraw I will make an effort not to do so at all. I am open to suggestions.

After all this, I went out with a formerly closer friend. We chatted about different things, including how communication broke down about a year ago when we took a trip with some other people. I think it was good for our relationship. It saved the night and is why I am functioning better than I might be today... Though I am not yet out of bed and have no motivation to do anything, despite a long list.
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When I think of how famous people get shamed. I wonder how they take it with such outward grace. Whether Prince Harry in an offensive costume or, well, just about anybody doing just about anything else, it seems like people are surrounded by shamers these days.

I feel like I can spend hours working hard to make something nice for others, devote entire days to service of some kind, but I let me guard down to be a more genuine version of me and I get rejected because I made a bad call on it.

Thanks for reading.

My heart is so glad yours is here!

Over two months later and such updates.

I kept hitting a brick wall with a group of people. I decided I was hurt for the last time. I backed off, I declined every invitation, I even unfriended a few people so I wouldn't see their posts and experience FoMo (fear of missing out).

I had another friend I hadn't seen in years meet me and my other group of friends somewhere. No spark, but glad I explored it so I could stop idealizing. Got on a dating app. Went on a series of 5 dates with nice, fun guy who I wanted to spend a few months with, but couldn't quite see something permanent with. He broke it off yesterday. And... Ouch.

This is my first time in quite this situation. I'm accustomed to rejection and even remember being on the receiving end of hatred and wrath. Not the "you're nice, but no" kind of rejection.

Not getting to continue for a bit longer with this nice guy busts me up a bit. I think had I been more aggressive and demonstrative, this would be going on longer, so I'd be gaining more experience out of it had it worked out that way. That said, with my INTJ crystal ball, I am fairly certain it would not have been a permanent situation, so I guess I can also be glad that I either get more time to focus on me or more time with someone else. 

Still hurts though! Ouch!

I've learned a lot and feel more empowered and emboldened than I did before. Not enough, but I intend to get more practice in.

I think part of the problem is my struggle to be vulnerable and flirty and all. I remember when I had to make myself small and stoic when being harassed as an older kid/young adult. It's hard to engage when some flirty word exchanges sound so similar to past abuse. But I'll figure out how.

I'm also angry that I'm bad at relationships due (in part) to abuse. I need to find a way to start grieving that this week.

I'm sure there's more, but that's it for now.

Thanks for reading this and walking down this path with me.

The 1k+ I have invested into my physical well-being in the past few months is paying off. No pun intended. I am having my protein smoothies every morning. I bought an inexpensive adjustable standing desk to use at work. Standing makes me feel powerful and choosing when to stand or sit is so empowering.  Chiropractor and personal trainer are encouraging my to straighten out and personal trainer is telling me not to stress about being underweight. So  much easier to feel happy standing. Now I understand why Tony Robbins does it that way at his seminars.

Today I started writing down my questions/confused stuff. By that I mean all of my weak areas.

Why does my smile escape me and now can I get Wendy Darling to sew it back on?

How many masks do I have and how do I get rid of all of them so I can be myself at all times?

Which conclusions and beliefs are true and which are false and how do I find the truth?

What experiences are growth and what experiences are escapism via busy work?

Who am I?

How can I be less intense/ on and off? How can I find a happy middle ground?

How can I be more fun, less serious, and genuine all at once?

How do I get better when it's hard to make friends at my age?

How do I get away from the extreme of not planning or being invested in a particular outcome but not go back to my overthinking ways?

How can I feel comfortable being intimate, especially with people accustomed to my coldness?

And thoughts:

I can handle anything but plateau.

And the big one: how about a spoiler so I can know how this whole thing turns out?

I am frustrated when i can't communicate with people. I am type INTJ. I am either withholding or too direct. When I am withholding, people assume things that aren't true. Things I would not have predicted they would assume.

A few months ago, someone said,"I know you're shy. I used to be shy too."

Shy? Shy?! I feel like this is the only place people will get it. I kind of snorted. Sad laughed on the inside. Shy? No, I fought until I had to freeze and I'm trying to thaw. But you can't say stuff like that casually, and most people don't want to know or don't care. You can gossip about someone else's secrets and heartbreaks and be judgmental, but don't expose your own and expect tenderness.

These 2+ day crashes following social experiences drain me. As I always learn some truth or have some idea to explore or get the chance to silence the critics, I suppose it is worth it.

Ok.

Months ago I started simplifying my life to make healing easier. To some degree, it worked.

I took up healing as my only active hobby. I think that was a mistake. Lots of time with inner critic.

I have learned a lot. But perhaps time for new project?

Not a lot is appealing right now. I have my old hobbies I can work on and ideas for new ones, but my hobbies = my escape from reality. So, of course, I am reluctant to pick something up. But I've been so moody, wanting more time with people and wanting to feel better. Part of that has to come from my growing in other new directions. Fresh star. New memories. New discoveries.

Maybe some of the healing will be unconscious if I allow myself to think and do and be other things? Maybe I'll check in and be like, "*. That's better now." That is how my healing started in the first place.

Thoughts, anyone?

Thoughts this morning:

I am s--- with money.

Perhaps this is because I change my plans of what I'm spending on or saving for. Perhaps it's because I avoid looking at my balances when I know they are getting low. Perhaps this is because I make promises and break them and vow to never do that again. That said... I am utterly disgusted with this behavior. Especially when my balance goes to the negative.

Part of the issue is that there are so many holes in my money bucket. Two student loan lenders, 2 utilities, 2 loans, rent, life and car insurance, plus other spendings on groceries and yes, superfluous things. That doesn't sound like a whole lot now that I'm saying it. But oh, it is.

I am finally investing on my health (trying to stop recurring vomiting, figure out swollen lymph node, get rx refilled (and that jumped from $20 to over $60), see chiropractor, bloodwork, see personal trainer who is working with chiropractor, eat healthier food including protein smoothies every morning. Hundreds of dollars in the last two months. Then car insurance was due. There should be  less of this, but then a car repair will be needed or something.

I am utterly unable to save for emergencies because of emergencies popping up pretty often. 

I saw how much interest I am paying on one of the loans I have and now I want to attack it.

I vow to work on my passive income stream but I haven't done anything with that in a long time.

I've been in a mood for a couple of weeks now. It's hard to stay happy, in a good state. I'm not quite sure why. I think it's a combination of physical state and the wrong expectations of others and of my experiences with others. Two more days to brainwash myself with podcasts during the week before going out there to enjoy the weekend.

Success!-ish:

It really is success. I want an A+ on my work, but a B or B+ will do.

I went to a street festival with a group of friends yesterday. I'd had a rough morning--making peace with something my parents have done without considering me--and then a not so great exchange texting one of those friends. But I calmed down about the first thing, decided a way to joke to break the ice when I met my friend (which I ended up not having to do), and had a pretty good time.

Every day I try to accomplish three different things. Usually it's schedule this, complete and submit those, and research/evaluate/decide about that. Today being all day social, I went different with it:
1) make someone laugh
2) touch one of the guys flirtatiously
3) get these people to see me as a lot more fun than usual. The old me I get glimpses of on occasion

This was accomplished with alcohol, skeeball, and me just letting those two things and my antidepressant take me over.

I accomplished other items I had considered: talk to someone new, interact with a stranger.

It wasn't perfect. There were times my indecisiveness and desire to maximize opportunity backfired on me. Is this a cptsd thing? Wanting more and going after it only to realize you have more if you just stay? If so, I need advice on how to recognize when I'm doing that and how to evaluate these situations.

I also have the inner critic now regarding some of my antics, but I shush her up by saying that no one got irritated with me so far as I could tell and that I was surprising people. I accomplished what I wanted. So few things like that are completely perfect. For me, this was pretty good! And I wish I had these opportunities more often. Guess I'll have to create some that are even better. I shall meditate on this.

I am confused by one gentleman's behavior but that is nothing new. I can't tell if he is indecisive or playing a game or something else. They are such foreign creatures to me.

Maybe I'm being too critical now and this was an A experience. Perhaps I will call it that. Nearly all of the things I would change are things beyond my control (other people getting in the way of perfect moments; individuals going home early). I felt frustrated/missing out briefly twice and for a total of less than an hour, but it was not my main emotion and I did not stew and I tried not to think too much. Just be. Maybe that is an A experience.

In other news...

I discovered the most wonderful resource recently. Tony Robbins has caused me to throw my old Covey urgent/not urgent/important/non important to-do list/priorities quadrant out the window. I used to spend a good 5 minutes updating it every day and moving things to different quadrants based on the anxiety levels I was experiencing. Well, now there are half as many items on the list and I'm not going to do them all. And it's okay. It's not giving up or ignoring. I'm becoming the boss now. I am the boss. I own the list. The list does not own me. Because I now list areas of my life (career, relationships, side business, hobbies, domestic, healing, etc.), Decide what the outcomes (essential progress, in my own words) are, put my action items in the proper categories, and decide which to do. I am so much more focused now on the mission of me.

That's all... I'd love feedback but I also love to see the traffic this journal gets because it lets me know that someone listened to at least something. Thanks!

It's early. I'm tired, in pain, dehydrated, but my mood is okay.

Listening to Tony Robbins and Jim Rohn is making such a difference. I'm thinking of goals, directions, achievement.

Tony's financial speeches and interviews specifically are helping me improve my life without tapping into raw emotion all the time.

My parents have done something that put me into a day long emotional flashback. Long story short, it means I have no claim to something because I am female and another family member does because he is male.

Once I realized conversations in my head were unhelpful, I started redirecting my attention. After a few back and forths about it, I made a minor request that requires no effort on anyone's part but mine. I also made the more major request that I want to never discuss it ever again. My father agrees to these and is informing my mother. So I am proud of my communication there.

There is opportunity to be social and make friends with people in circle of friends this weekend. I don't want to screw it up so I am trying to focus on ways to interact and have fun when I'm there. Drinking will help.

Now it's time for me to not worry about what other people think. It's time for me to make people mad and not care.

Words to live by. Reminds me of the old Rick Nelson song "Garden Party."

Today I set the intent to have a good day and I had a good day. It was not a magnificent day, but it was pleasantly uneventful.

Set alarm for 25 minutes earlier and got up. I'd put my phone on the other side of the room to charge for the night.

I started (after stretches and meditation) by completing two items from my running to do list. I was in a pissy mood while working on those items, but felt better as soon as they were done.

I have seen an allergist and get test results back in a week. This should give me an idea as to what foods are making me sick. I have suspicions but it will be nice to learn anything.

Got the number of the chiropractor that I'm going to try. He was recommended by a friend and he takes insurance. My copay is $20/visit for up to 20 visits per year I think. My spine slants to one side and it's starting to be a problem.

I'm making smoothies every morning. With protein powder.

Considering a cheap standing desk for work. And a better chair.

That's the physical.

On the financial, I had some good ideas for my business after listening to Tony Robbins.

I've done a little research on my business ideas and I haven't done anything else this evening. Just relaxing in a dark room. Giving myself permission to take the night off.

Let's do this again tomorrow.

Feeling a lot better. Hormones, hunger, bad sleep make me cranky. Was in an emotional flashback for a couple of days and realized it was over as it was ending. When good things happen, some 24-48 hours later, wow, I really get emotional.

I've been listening to Tony Robbins for months, but in the last few days what I've been hearing is that we must decide specifically what we want to make progress. I agree. But it's hard to define what "better" looks like.

I want to: be vulnerable with many people, have a relationship, not think of dumb things I've said or times I've blushed when conversing, forget new exchanges like this as they happen, make good eye contact, flirt, be confident, etc etc etc.

I've mulled over this for a few days. I have a grounding vision I go to when I am upset. I redirect myself to a potential, totally fulfilled happy moment. I know how I want to feel, but I don't know what exactly gets me there.

Spartan Life Coach echoes a lot of this. He and others have brought up the subject of emotional immaturity.

Emotional immaturity is probably the thing that pisses me off most about cptsd. I have experienced more hardship, I have learned how to take stuff that most others don't understand, and I am emotionally immature? Not fair, not fair! And then I realize that kind of thinking is immature and bah, it's true!

Then I realized: that's what I want. Emotional maturity. Emotional maturity means I am not better, but I am best. It's a matter of maintenance of flashbacks and improved communication once I get the adult emotional maturity brain software updates. I know there's more to it than that, but largely...

Milennials make a big deal about "adulting," and according to some lists I'm a milennial. There is at least one book about the technical side of this (buying toilet paper in bulk, for example, or checklists for shopping for a house). But not much about the emotional side of this.

Things I have that indicate adult: good career, two degrees, apartment (with roommate, for financial reasons), gym membership (yoga), cat, nice furniture I financed last year and finally paid off, student loans refinanced at lower interest rate, birth control and allergy and antidepressant meds, a psychiatrist I see every few months. 

Things I have that indicate non-adult: low balance in checking and savings despite doubling salary in less than 3 years, no boyfriends in past or present, not enough travel experiences, not quite enough of a social life for a single person.

As I've acquired experiences in the first list, I have felt somewhat better. With each, really. Like I'm "on it." But there's more to it than that. What? How do I emotionally mature? I'm doing emdr (YouTube diy), reading Pete Walker, doing something or going someplace new every day, hypnosis, eating healthy, etc. Showing friends that I am growing and seeking out new experiences with them.

How else can I emotionally mature? Appreciate your ideas and stories.

I think I'll post some version of this on some other board.

Glad you're here. 

Ditto!

I woke up before 3 a.m. this morning. I woke up sad. Time passes and I still have not found happy.

I'm focusing less on personal projects and instead leaving myself more time to get out. But this time isn't always filled as I would like it to be.

I'm working on taking better care of myself, from physical state to finances and beyond, to set myself up for as many good days as I can.

Crying a little every so often is nice. I don't mind as much now that there is no on in my life who gets off on it, but it's hard to feel after so long.