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I have an appointment with a therapist on the 20th, and a appointment with my family doctor on the 15th.

I'm also a part of another CPTSD forum and they told me to look into "Alexithymia" and take the online test for it.
I scored very high in every category. Just another thing to talk about.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply to my long winded post. Just wanted to get it all out there to see if I felt any relief... I didn't, but hey I tried.

I'll post again after I get a few sessions in with some doctors. See if they actually help.

Whew ok, I can do this... I said mentally before typing this.
(This is me after typing it all out: Trigger warning applies to the below content.)
(I go through most of my life and what caused me to get to here. Hopefully my punctuation is on point.)

Hmm... How open should I be? Ahhh forget it, lets go all in (No detailed graphics though)

I am 25, married and have a child. From the outside my life look perfect 
So why am I here... honestly don't know... maybe to hear kind words... get advice.

When I first found this site it was late last week... I was in a very dark spot, one that you sometimes don't come back from . Luckily I was saved again by my wife and child being ever present in my thoughts. When I was young (earliest confirm-able memory being 5yrs old) I was taken advantage of and abused by my mothers boyfriends. She never believed me nor defended me, though I always tried to defend her when things got heated. Just this year I've cut all lines of contact from my mothers side of the family until I figure me out... ( Who am I really?  ) My childhood consisted of abuse, trauma, more abuse, alcoholics, and unspent primal fury (on my part).  I hid all of these emotions and memories from myself for 9 years now, but a recent argument with my wife cracked this concrete sealed vault of untapped emotions and I had(am having) a hard time just containing them. It felt as though the child version of myself awoke and wanted revenge on those who wronged me. I remember every houses location, how to get there, who did what, and when. I was able to put together an almost exact timeline of what my childhood was like. ( ?) But then I had to deal with these truths that I didn't want to be real... I still dont want to... surprisingly I'm not really feeling an emotion as I am writing this.  . I called every psychiatrist in a 50 mile area of me and the nearest appointment I could get was in June... most wouldn't take me without a referral from another doctor... Just kinda gave up on getting  doctor level help. 

I have an appointment with a counselor that my wife made for me, but I doubt the ability of most people who haven't experienced my level of (Guilt,Shame,Anger,Fear,Sadness  ) trauma, to understand what it is like to exist like this.

Growing up there was abuse, trauma , and at times no food due to my mothers drug addictions, and various other events  . But even more than that... no one ever really took the time to ask me if everything was okay.  ... Not a single teacher, even when I came to school with black eyes, or crying...

I ran away from my mothers house (Dad disappeared when I was 1) when I was 13, where I stayed in a crack house for 3 days where I got to see drug addicts at there worst? best? idk... Anyway... they gave me food (even offered drugs, but I saw who my mom was and said no thanks. Smart kid me  ) After those 3 days I went to my best friends house, who's house, while dysfunctional, was WAY better than mine. I asked his mom if I could live there, she said of course and I went back home... got grounded and abused a little more... at which point I packed up, cut the screen out of my window, and ran away... again.

She would call the police to report that I was missing every once and a while, at which point I would move in with her for a week or 2 , she would get high again and I would leave. Her various abusive boyfriends blamed me for her issues and would let me know they had a problem with me, usually with violence.

My home life gave me little appreciation for human life, so much so in fact that I asked a marine to show me how to defend myself lethally... at age 14 I was ready to take human life if I needed to... (Wow typing that felt real  ) He showed me but only after talking to me about acceptable use of force. (I've never fully used what he showed me that day, but I did almost have to a few times). Going  back a little to age 12 was the first time I almost ended my life prematurely.  Since then I've never attempted to "end it all". But that memory stings like a million bees. My Mother didn't even ask why I wanted to, she just continued to be abusive and I was struck for attempting to do it.

Not sure if you made it this far but hey if you did, sorry for the choppiness of my story... Never typed it up... I will get to the positive things soon... I promise.

I was also taken advantage of by the children of my neighborhood... this memory is the hardest to deal with... people who were just a few years older than me... they heard that I was willing to do things (sexually) for food... this rumor happened because of a time I hadn't had anything to eat but cans of condensed milk for a few days, and I asked a high school kid who was friends with my older brother for food... he wanted payment and so I offered the only currency I really knew from years of abuse (skin), he accepted this payment, and a quiet reputation was formed. This currency stopped abuse, so it also could get me food... I didn't know there was anything wrong with this, I had no Idea this wasn't right... this was my normal. Over all I can remember exactly who, when, why, and the "rewards" I earned for my sacrifice.

(Oh jeeze, I can't believe I am putting this out there )
Well Now Time to transition to more current life.

At 16 I met my wife and I knew from the moment I saw her that she was the one.
We married at the court house when I was 18. I went active duty military when I was 19.
I boxed up all feelings and hid them . Most people call me robot now a days, I function purely on logic most of the time... If it's right it is right, wrong is wrong.

I've advanced in my career well ahead of my peers, and most find me to be one of the smartest well informed people they know. I've helped others be successful and now am an IT policy adviser at the senior level because I remember almost everything. (Blessing and a Curse) I can relive moments like movies in my memory. I can re-experience a memory and tap into the senses I experienced during the memory. 

My wife is awesome and My kid is awesome... luckily my wife is a psychology major, and suggested that I find something like this for support... Well I am here so I hope she is right. 

When I trigger, my logical half has to immediately go into full damage control mode as I fear what I could do to someone if I let myself black out like I used to. (Oh yea, as a kid I would get into fights at school, and completely black out until someone stopped me).

earlier this year my best friend threw our dad (His step dad, and my only real father figure) to the ground over an argument about him taking my best friends seat at the table. This was the closest encounter to blacking out I've had in years... part of me wanted to punish him for being ungrateful... My family (friends) intervened and split us up. Most people said "I haven't seen you like that ever..." Logical robot me usually is cool headed. He awakened the protector inside. (Imagine the hulk)

The fight with my wife a little time ago made me very vulnerable... I felt like a damaged child was speaking from within me, I was telling her that everything hurt all of the time, that I wasn't ready to deal with those emotions and that everything would be okay one day. (All of this while in a ball crying on the floor refusing to interact with her)... After that I became myself again, and she said I needed to find help... I doubt I can go into any more detail than this, so I will probably print this before I go to get help, but yea... tis my life.

Well that is everything... If you want to know more, let me know. I have no strong emotions about anything I've said so far. This is mostly my pre-controlled history... the times when others made my decisions... since I've taken over things are pretty darn good.

Just have unwanted memories and emotions that are hard to shake off sometimes.
Silent wounds that I still bleed from, but I can't take the time to heal... I must provide a life for my family that I wasn't ever able to have as a child.

If you made it this far you've finished the story of my life... Sorry? Thank you?
You know more about me that all but 1 person in the whole world does.

  Thanks for reading internet people.

What should I do now? Guess I'll sit here waiting for comments. Maybe eat lunch.