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Dee- I've drifted into a self-imposed isolation lately, but I'm glad I'm back in time to share in your good news and wish you good luck!

Welcome to the community! It has been a great source of strength, support, and encouragement since I joined last December.

Please don't give up, Dee! We love you and appreciate you, and as others have said- you are worth it!

Thank you, Blueberry. I spoke about this some with my T today, especially about reframing perspective and talking to my young self.

Another book on the subject, which may or may not relate to your topic:


The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life Paperback  – February 1, 1991

by Dr. Patricia Love

I thank you all for the support and encouragement. I care more about what my inner critic says to/about me than other critics- it's just that those critics reinforce what I already think about myself.

Being born with a cleft lip/palate is integral to some of the traumas in my life. Because of the CL/CP I had many surgeries. The first memory of my life is of being post-operative and having my arms/hands pinned down to keep me from reaching my mouth.When I was 14 I had one in which the anesthesia did not work correctly and I was awake during the surgery but unable to move or speak. Another time in the hospital I was molested. My disfigured appearance led to severe bullying in school and a teacher who said it was my fault for being so sensitive to "normal teasing." My CL/CP condition has contributed to a lifetime of intermittent sinus and ear infections and hearing loss. No hair grows along where the cleft lip was- a constant reminder.

I mentioned this in  a previous post, but my parents decided not to take any baby pictures of me until after several surgeries, and that sticks in my crawl. I want to see that boy who arrived in the world before he had to be "fixed" enough to be photographed. There were other "mommy issues" related to my condition that I don't tend to go into with anyone.

Beauty (and ugly) may be skin deep, but these scars go deep indeed.

I know the world outside is not going to change and that it is not as rejecting as I believe it to be. The change must come from within, but the supportive comments in this thread are external "voices" helping to counter my inner critic.

Again, thank you!

Welcome to the community, both of you. I have found it a very supportive group and hope you experience that benefit as well.

Count me among those who detest your sister's behavior and who are in your corner supporting you all the way!!!

I have found that EFT has been helping me get in touch with feelings and memories I have shunted aside for a LONG time. I have found it especially helpful for easing tension and sinus headaches and the stiff/sore neck and shoulder you get when you sleep the wrong way.

So far I have not had emotional/psychological relief from EFT other than finally confronting issues locked away. I'm keeping an open mind, but starting to think EFT has its limits for me.

Not having been spanked as you describe, these posts do not trigger me, so perhaps I can offer a more detailed response. I hope what I write will not be a trigger for you.

Spanking is trauma. It is physical trauma in the physical pain it causes. Many parents claim they are doing it "for your own good" and that "this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you." This is rarely the case. "spanking" is rarely a measured response doled out with the sole intention of "teaching" a child right from wrong. Even if it begins that way it too often devolves into an adult taking out their anger on someone smaller and weaker than they are.

Of course, that is never to the child's benefit. 

It is also psychological pain. To be hurt by someone you should be able to trust, who is supposed to be your protector and source of love and comfort, would shake a child's sense of safety and self-worth. To strike a child is to negate their sense of self-worth. It positions the child in a mindset of submission to a "hjgher power" (and I use that term intentionally). To see this person so overcome by anger that they strike out physically is terrifying. I imagine a child could feel even more petrified fearing the adult would lose even more control and inflict even more harm. The "lessons" learned are "you deserve to be hit" and "you are too small and weak to stop me." These lessons are ingrained into a child and stay with them until/unless processing as an adult re-educates them otherwise.

I believe this is why the topic is such a trigger to many people. The very idea sends them back to those stages of development when they were the small helpless child facing the wrath.

If your therapist cannot see this, it might be time to find a new one. It is not a matter of you being "sensitive." It's a matter of you KNOWING that what happened wasn't right, and that it has had a profound effect on you. 

As I read your posts I was reminded of the songs "Luka" by Suzanne Vega and "* is for Children" by Pat Benatar.

jd- I don't know what style(s) of music you like, but Lou Reed had an album a while back called "Magic and Loss." He wrote and recorded it after losing two of his close friends. From beginning to end it goes through the nonlinear stages of grief, and I've found it helpful in connecting to my feelings.

Anger is one of those stages. Right now I'm in the "Warrior King" song stage.

"I wish I was the warrior king in every language that I speak
Lord over all that I survey and all that I see I keep
Power omnipresent, undiminished uncontrolled
With a mass of violent fury at the center of my soul."

If Lou Reed doesn't do it for you, is there other music that expresses/connects to your feelings? Sometimes I can only think/feel in lyrics and music.

Thanks for posting the link. I have found sharing my trauma to be a helpful part of my recovery, but I agree that going too quickly can be counter-productive. I think it is probably up to each person to decide what is right for them, and the article gives us somethings to consider.

glowcloud- I can so relate to what you wrote- I could have written nearly all of it myself!!!

Welcome to the Community!

Sometimes it seems like a compulsion to recreate our childhoods, no matter how traumatic. I get so angry at myself when I look at my life and see how much of my childhood I've recreated.

Gentian- I can so relate to what you wrote. Sometimes it seems like everywhere I look are triggers sending me into EF, and it is difficult to tell how much is EF and how much is real-time situation.