I'm not sure on which board to write this because it encompasses so many different topics.
I'll start with the flashbacks. I always remembered being abused, but I was so good at the faking it till you make it that I seemed like a carefree happy kid on the outside while I was slowly dying on the inside. The older I got, the harder it became to hide. Especially after my father was arrested for child endangerment. (He got out after 24 hours and it never got to court. Money talks)
So I wrote down my flashbacks recently because they come 5/6 times a day and I need to keep track for my EMDR treatment which is going great.
Here's a little price of what I wrote last night after an intense flashback.
Things went from good to bad so fast, I was so shocked at the sudden turn that I froze up. I was sitting in my room, on the phone with Suri when I heard him yelling, "shloimy, you will never amount to anything, get out of my house, get out now!" I dropped the phone and ran to the stairs, "Shloimy, don't go anywhere! He can't kick you out, You're a minor" I yell down and run back to the safety of my room. I squeeze myself into the corner of my bed, willing it to hide me. I know whats coming, I diverted the attention but he's going to be so mad. The footsteps on the stairs, boom boom I stop breathing and pray to God not sure he can even hear me, I say, Please don't let him break anything, please please please. The door bursts open and he barges in. His brown eyes look almost black and like they are poping out of their sockets. I shrink further back as he stalks forward. He grabs my wrist and pulls me forward and I hear the belt coming off. In a last act of defiance before I'm beat to death I look up and tell him "violence is a sign of weakness" Whack whack whack I really angered the monster because he no longer cares where hes hitting me. He's in a full rage as he yells "You think I dont know what you do in your free time? YOu whore! Worthless girl you are!" I don't even whimper. He doesn't stop and my mind slowly seperates itself from my body as I watch it being beaten his hand tightens around my wrist as he gives it a final twist. Crack, he broke a bone again.
When he finally leaves I breathe and talk to myself "see Rivky, all he can do is hit and yell. He's just a crazy angry man with no heart. You didn't do anything, You are fine, well you will be after you get that hand looked at." Rivky!" I turn to see where the sound came from, maybe I'm finally going crazy. "RIVKY!" finally i see the phone. Oh no, Oh no. She can't know, I worked so hard to be normal! I pick up the phone, "Sorry Suri, I dropped the phone. We are never going to talk about what you just heard. never ever. Not with me, not with anyone, understood?" Suri sighs, "I guess, if that's what you want. In school I went from being a good student to a trouble maker in a matter of weeks. I wished my teacher would see how much pain I was in. I couldn't understand how people can be so blind. Don't they see I'm in pain, I'm hurting? They would talk to me about my behavior, and beg me to behave, but ultimatly, no one saw the pain I worked so hard to hide. My friends called me carefree, and I was proud that I can act so well and no one knew my secret. Still I wished someone would throw down my house of cards and call my bluff.
While I'm struggling with all these flashbacks, my biggest struggle is the fear I have that one day I won't be able to control my demons and I'll hurt my own kids. They are my light in the darkness. They keep me sane when I fall apart. I'm so scared I will scar them by my past that I tend to avoid being alone with them. I make sure either my husband is home or I get a school girl to come assist me although she's really only there to babysit me.
In addition to all this I have a dissociative disorder as well as bipolar.
Right at this moment I'm having a manic episode and although I take my pills strictly at the same second every day, my body gets used to it and it becomes ineffective after 2 months or so. Which makes me terrified that I'll continue the cycle. It's driving me nuts, and my rational mind knows my husband would never let me hurt my kids but still I'm terrified.
I'll start with the flashbacks. I always remembered being abused, but I was so good at the faking it till you make it that I seemed like a carefree happy kid on the outside while I was slowly dying on the inside. The older I got, the harder it became to hide. Especially after my father was arrested for child endangerment. (He got out after 24 hours and it never got to court. Money talks)
So I wrote down my flashbacks recently because they come 5/6 times a day and I need to keep track for my EMDR treatment which is going great.
Here's a little price of what I wrote last night after an intense flashback.
Things went from good to bad so fast, I was so shocked at the sudden turn that I froze up. I was sitting in my room, on the phone with Suri when I heard him yelling, "shloimy, you will never amount to anything, get out of my house, get out now!" I dropped the phone and ran to the stairs, "Shloimy, don't go anywhere! He can't kick you out, You're a minor" I yell down and run back to the safety of my room. I squeeze myself into the corner of my bed, willing it to hide me. I know whats coming, I diverted the attention but he's going to be so mad. The footsteps on the stairs, boom boom I stop breathing and pray to God not sure he can even hear me, I say, Please don't let him break anything, please please please. The door bursts open and he barges in. His brown eyes look almost black and like they are poping out of their sockets. I shrink further back as he stalks forward. He grabs my wrist and pulls me forward and I hear the belt coming off. In a last act of defiance before I'm beat to death I look up and tell him "violence is a sign of weakness" Whack whack whack I really angered the monster because he no longer cares where hes hitting me. He's in a full rage as he yells "You think I dont know what you do in your free time? YOu whore! Worthless girl you are!" I don't even whimper. He doesn't stop and my mind slowly seperates itself from my body as I watch it being beaten his hand tightens around my wrist as he gives it a final twist. Crack, he broke a bone again.
When he finally leaves I breathe and talk to myself "see Rivky, all he can do is hit and yell. He's just a crazy angry man with no heart. You didn't do anything, You are fine, well you will be after you get that hand looked at." Rivky!" I turn to see where the sound came from, maybe I'm finally going crazy. "RIVKY!" finally i see the phone. Oh no, Oh no. She can't know, I worked so hard to be normal! I pick up the phone, "Sorry Suri, I dropped the phone. We are never going to talk about what you just heard. never ever. Not with me, not with anyone, understood?" Suri sighs, "I guess, if that's what you want. In school I went from being a good student to a trouble maker in a matter of weeks. I wished my teacher would see how much pain I was in. I couldn't understand how people can be so blind. Don't they see I'm in pain, I'm hurting? They would talk to me about my behavior, and beg me to behave, but ultimatly, no one saw the pain I worked so hard to hide. My friends called me carefree, and I was proud that I can act so well and no one knew my secret. Still I wished someone would throw down my house of cards and call my bluff.
While I'm struggling with all these flashbacks, my biggest struggle is the fear I have that one day I won't be able to control my demons and I'll hurt my own kids. They are my light in the darkness. They keep me sane when I fall apart. I'm so scared I will scar them by my past that I tend to avoid being alone with them. I make sure either my husband is home or I get a school girl to come assist me although she's really only there to babysit me.
In addition to all this I have a dissociative disorder as well as bipolar.
Right at this moment I'm having a manic episode and although I take my pills strictly at the same second every day, my body gets used to it and it becomes ineffective after 2 months or so. Which makes me terrified that I'll continue the cycle. It's driving me nuts, and my rational mind knows my husband would never let me hurt my kids but still I'm terrified.