Messages

Thanks for sharing about your own experience, Three Roses!

I blame the both of us for the push-pull dynamic. During this relationship I started working on myself in relation to my ex. I could finally admit that I had attachament issues, and because I could admit it to myself I was able to work on it. I learned so much about myself in a short time span, it was as if curtains opened and I could see more clearly what my relationship pattern is.

After the last time we came back togheter I became very commited, and had no intention of letting this relationship go. I believed we finally could make it...

I worked so hard for the both of us, that I missed the signals my ex was sending. They where very subtle, but in hindsight i see that i overlooked them.

I started learning about the different attachament styles and understood our struggle and push and pull dynamic a lot better. It's hard to let it go... I felt so close to a real and stable relationship! And I really love him.

Maybe it is for the best, and maybe you'r right Three Roses! Maybe this is all I know about being in a relationship. I still have a lot to learn. Thanks again for your reply, it;s helpfull.

Hi there,

After almost two years the push/pull relationship with my ex partner, seems to be definatly over. This time he broke up with me, for the first and probably the last time. It was totally unexpected. He couldnt take it anymore, is what he said. He couldn't take the arguments anymore...wich I understand.

We were in couple's counseling the last two months and things started to improve rapidly. I was learning about myself, and the relationship dynamic we had became very clear to me. I changed the way i responded to him while being triggered, I watched myself closely and became aware of distorted cognitions and was able to create more balance and clearity in the relationship.

For the last months I really commited myself to this relationship, in a way I havent done before. No longer was I running away from him when difficulty's arose, when triggered I didnt shut myself down anymore but remained in contact with him, kept communicating with him. These are really big steps for me. I was commited to stay with him and not run away or break up when being triggered. I followed trough. The relationship became more stable, alltough we still had arguments, we seemed to make peace much quicker...

And then, after a late night phonecall where I panicked and freaked out because the relationship therapist wanted to quit the counseling all of a sudden, he finally broke up with me.

I feel so heartbroken, sorry, shamefull, guilty, and hurt, and don't know how to handle these emotions without panicking.

I miss him so much. I did send him a couple of e-mails and he is not responding. He feels that I gave him secundary PTTS, wich I find almost unbearable. I never want to 'harm' anyone, and the thought that I 'harmed' him in that way makes me feel so guilty.

The arguments we had where mostly about the fact that I wanted him to read something about CPTSD or about EFT (couples counseling). He always promised to do it, but never did. I don't understand why this man never read anything that could have helped us, and save the relationship.

How do I handle these strong emotions without getting sucked in a major EF and going completely nuts.

...

Another is object permanence... the realization that things/people exist even when they are out of my physical presence. Gaps in conversations, texts, emails, visits.... even long weekends from work tend to create anxiety in me that makes me believe that my relationships and job are at risk.

... insecurity in relationships, finding myself at fault for nearly everything (even when my logical brain knows different), and immediately rushing to flight/flight response when confronted by even the smallest of disagreement. Many of these, I can correlate to traumatic events from my past... and many of them, I can see how they stem from those events.

Yes to all of the above. How do you handle the fear that the lack of object constancy creates in your life? Are you aware of the fear and tension when it happens or do you tend to see  afterwards that you felt fear or tension because of object constancy?

Thanks Rabbit, Three roses and mourningdove for your warm welcome! Again very glad for the existence of a forum like this. Searched for it for many years, and finaly found a place where there's a ton of researches and people who understand. Thanks so much!

These signs are not good. What would you say to a sister or a good friend who described her partner this way?

Thanks mourningdove...i know. But what if my perception is so scewed that I can not see him clearly? Yes, he is not very emphatic, and yes he tends to put the blame on me, not nice, not constructive. But maybe he's just a person who doesnt know how to express his feelings , and has some very strong defense mechanisms?  Arghhhh, ( why do I keep excusing his behaviour?) no he tends to be very selffocussed with no sympathy or concern about my feelings. He may have narcisitic tendencies. I used to think he has aspergers, but I'm no psychologist.

But but but, I can blame him for my mysery, or I can look if there is something to learn here. What I suffer from most in this situation is that I start to percieve him as evil. And he may be selffish, he may have little emphaty, but he is not evil. So there is something else going on wich makes me feel like he is evil, and wich makes me very scared and in a way helpless. I believe I am partially out of reality when it comes to my view/feelings of him. To me this is important to research because I believe it happend in previuos relationsships also.

I feel like I must be able to handle otherones egotism or lack of empathy without taking it personal, or take full responsibility for the fact that someone is like that. At this moment I feel that I am the cause of his lack of empathy, and his egotism. That it is somehow my fault, that there is something I did that makes him withold empathy or bonding.

That's my biggest trigger...the feeling that it is all my fault and that i am playing out some script that prevents me to get close to someone. Am I repeating the trauma's of my youth?

To me it feels very important to figure that out, eventhough it is not good for my mental healt, i feel this urge to figure out how it works, how relationships work for me. I am searching for answers...

I feel that if I dont figure it out, I will never be able to have a loving and stable relationship with someone, and that is not something I am willing to sacrifice. My CPTSD has cost me so much, if it will cost me the abbilty to form a close and loving relationship, it will be a high price for my upbringing and all the crazyness that was going on when I was a child. I dont want trauma or CPTSD to take my abbility to be loved.

Hi there, so glad to have found this forum. I suffer from CPTSD stemming from childhood abuse and utter parental madness when I grew up. The last few years I have found my symptoms increasing, and at this moment my symptoms have a big flare up. I do have therapy but it's not helping much. Once every two weeks I talk one hour with my psychologist who is specialized in trauma,and alltough we do Have a good connection, I find that there is no real therapy going on, It's just blowing of steam once every two weeks.

Usually I am a relationship avoider, but every once in awhile I fall in love I try to build a relationship with someone. At this moment I am involved in an 'on and off'relationship that is not going well. I feel I am setting myself up for abuse, and feel very confused about my partners behaviour. I have massive EF, he triggers me constantly and can't seem to understand that he is hurting me, eventhoug I Tell and explain to him how "I work". He doesn't seem to have the ability to care or sympathise.

I often doubt myself, and my perception, which can make me vulnerable to abuse and gaslighting.

I feel a sense of danger when I am with him, and it is very hard to distinguish if it is my past that I project onto him, or that he suffers from a PD. It may be both. I tried to break up with him several times, but everytime he wins me back with promises and the most loving words. And then I start to doubt again about my perception. He seems so kind, and loving. But then again he can't take responsibility for his own actions, and tends to put all the blame on me. Being unfairly blamed is a huge trigger, as I grew up believing that all the abuse that was going on was somehow my own fault. Being blamed also feeds my innercritic who is allready out of control.

Sorry for rambling on, as you surely have noticed English is not my mother tongue, so apologies for my grammar mistakes.