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Hi, people 

I also have addictive/compulsive tendencies (where do I start, lol...).     This is my long essay of a response with my opinions and experiences on the subject, lol. 

I personally believe my brain is wired to need a substance of some kind. In addition to the PD issues on both sides, there is also a history of schizophrenia, bipolar, and epilepsy on my mother's side of the family. I always had ADHD and outbursts of frustration since I can remember but the serious depression and mood swings didn't start until I was 13 or 14. So I agree that CPTSD complicates quitting drug use.

It makes sense that you would find nicotine difficult to quit. I read a lot of Pubmed studies and nicotine has a variety of possible benefits for cognitive decline, mood stabilization, and antipsychotic properties. I actually use a patch to help stabilize my moods.

I've got a lot of flak for it, but it works for me. I may get on true mood stabilizers when I find a therapist or psychiatrist who I feel comfortable with. I have tried smoking/vaping but the highs and lows seemed to make me worse then either not smoking at all or the patch. Plus, burning any substance is bad for your body.

I can get off weed cold turkey but I've found that for me personally, it is better to taper off the harder stuff like alcohol. I have also noticed that my overall drug threshold has slowly decreased over the years the more I have worked on my mental health and interpersonal issues.

When I cut my former abusers out of my life, it was pretty obvious how I was using drugs to numb the emotional pain that was triggered by interacting with them. Now I mostly have to work on managing my stress levels or I begin binging, or acting out. Like a CPTSD relapse, I guess.

I recently tried to quit weed, alcohol, and nicotine patches but it was a disaster, lol. I feel your pain. I was so agitated and aggressive that I was not able to think very logically.     I felt like I was losing my mind. I got back on the patch because I was smoking so many cigarettes. I'm doing well with stopping the other two, though.

Have you tried something like Chantix? Maybe your doctor could prescribe a antianxiety drug? Or maybe vaping would work for you until you can stop, I guess the inhalation comfort ritual. I use drugs because they are really some of the only comfort I've ever known. They've always been there when I need them, and they "know" what to "do" to make me feel better, unlike people (generally).

I think that you should do what is best for your mental (and physical health), and on your timeline/pace. I've stopped drugs before I was ready to get other people off my back but I just wind up back on them after a binge. Or using them in reckless ways because I am trying to sneak around other people's judgement.

I think being emotionally and physically functional is more important then being "drug free." We are the ones that are going to deal with the consequences of our addictions, and emotional reactions, not the people who guilt us into living a "healthy/natural" lifestyle (generally).

I do think smoking is not very healthy, and nicotine comes with negative health effects so you should try to realistically decide if using it is the right choice for you and your particular situation. I think it is great you are trying to quit smoking, though. It's good you are trying to quit before you have a serious health issue from it and important to take care of your health. And practice self-love.     You can do it!

Hi, Hope66

You're welcome I like analysing things  And it is nice to be back and see what everyone is discussing lately.

I'm doing ok. It was a weird dream. My parents had this gross biological fluid on them and were bald. Somehow they and my uBPD sister and uASPD sister-in-law found me at a hotel (I think I was on vacation) and I spent the whole dream trying to "escape" them. I avoid them in waking life so it's kind of humorous even my dream self does that, although after I woke up I was like "why, didn't you just tell them to leave?"

It was just one of  those    dreams. Lol.

Hi, Eyessoblue

I've been reading through the responses and I really agree with sanmagic7 and Coco. I'm concerned about how your therapist is handling this. This post is really long (sorry; I'm a "wordy" person. Lol).

This is just my perception of what you have described, but I think this therapist is mishandling the situation. I can suffer some intense reactions if I'm triggered and I've found some people seem to make it worse either intentionally or unintentionally but the result is the same. People who make it worse are the most insistent their way is helping, even if I communicate what works better for me. You were smart to be assertive in this situation; it helps signal or filter out people who may be more harm then help. Harm isn't always intentional.

I personally think it takes a special type of person to work with traumatized people. Many people in positions of authority got there because they enjoy the control it gives them. I've personally found that these types of people are bad at dealing with trauma unless they are humble enough to listen to the patient and not take the behavior personally (I myself get pretty crazy).

I feel a good therapist would be attuned to your current level of functioning and flexible enough to adjust her treatment style to it. From my experience, true healers tend to be humble listeners.

I felt a red flag when she said that you are "not yet ready" to see the trauma therapist. It sounds like she is using some aspects of Dialectical Behavior Therapy on you ("accept, and sit with the feelings"). Which is usually good for emotional regulation (it tends to emphasize mindfulness and frustration tolerance) but I wonder if she is actually trained in it? I'm pretty sure CBT and DBT are two different therapy styles.

I also heavy drink when I'm triggered. I personally feel that the shame around addiction and other compulsive coping behaviors can be counterproductive. I read about the Harm Reduction social theory when I was a teen and it had a big effect on the way I viewed addictions.

I had a driving phobia when I was younger. I would have severe panic attacks when I would drive, I had had panic attacks where I would threaten to jump out of the car in my teens when riding with other people (I was abused in the car as a small child). I used to smoke a cigarette then drive somewhere five minutes away. I had to know the route by heart (from riding in cars) already. When I got comfortable with that, I would drive somewhere ten minutes away, etc.

I wonder if maybe you could do something similar with your trauma reactions? Instead of feeling bad about drinking, start to slowly increase the time it takes for you to start drinking from when the reaction starts. So if you feel a reaction at say 3:11pm, wait until 3:41pm to start drinking and then try to slowly increase your tolerance for the intense reactions.

Or you could try to drink less. So if you are drinking a bottle of wine a night, maybe try to drink 75% of the bottle. And then when you get comfortable tolerating that level of trauma feelings, move down to 50% of the bottle.

The minute amounts or percentages are not as important as the fact that the discomfort threshold is slowly increasing. Feel free to adjust the rate to the pace that is working for you. A success is lengthening/decreasing your own personal average; it's not about keeping up with other people's averages.

I don't know if my layman version of exposure therapy is helpful to your particular situation, but I really feel for you. I've had intense reactions to triggers and it can be scary to feel that out of control. And when it's happening, I wonder if I'm ever going to feel normal again.

Hi, People 

I think it is great you are working on your assertiveness! I personally feel assertiveness and boundaries skills are like the cornerstones of happiness. I agree with sanmagic7 that it takes a lot of practice, and exercising them at first, can be really awkward, uncomfortable, or scary. But it's so worth it once they start to become your new normal.

I like Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. I really like their book The Mom Factor better, as the effects of different types of mother's had on their children was enlightening to me. They both have a Christian religious theme that some people might find off-putting (or attractive if your spiritual beliefs lean that way). But I feel they have a balanced view of situations. They are written with the assumption you are dealing with normal people rather than PD types.

I also like that they mentioned not all people with boundary issues are just "givers" and how many people's depressions are actually reactions/signals to boundary violations/imbalances in their relationships. A lot of books ignore "takers" as having boundary issues. Once I started working on my assertiveness, I kind of learned the hard way that I could steamroll right over my less assertive friends if I wasn't careful.

I've heard The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense is good but I've never read it. I also like the blog Captain Awkward. They even give scripts to letter writers on how to start difficult conversations. But they are politically pretty liberal and they don't allow armchair diagnosis.

Hope it helps!

Hi, Hope66

Sorry, I haven't been on lately. I had my first nightmare in a while about my family. I am taking some drugs that have vivid dreams as a side effect so I think it could be due to that.

Hmmm, I once had a dream about making out with the guys I was attracted to when I was in HS. But whenever I would get close they would change into a different guy. Oddly enough that's basically one of my fears about relationships but at the time I was having a lot of dreams about reaching for rewards that were always just out of reach so I always thought it was part of that theme.

The stealing one is kind of funny to me. I wonder if the stealing thing was about being able to meet your needs. Like you didn't have to feel guilty about taking what you wanted. I feel like PD parents tend to have a very conditional or transactional style of relationships. So maybe if your parents guilted/shamed you into being "good" but you still rarely got your end of the bargain upheld (your needs met) despite this, your subconscious was like "Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could just take what we wanted without having to jump through all these social hoops!"

Just some thoughts...   

Hi, people 

Hmmm. I find the varied reactions to yoga on this thread really interesting. And you're welcome, Sanmagic7  I think you will reach the calm/grounded feeling if you keep going at your own pace. I personally believe we all have to explore and tinker until we find what works best for our own minds and bodies.

I recently restarted doing yoga again using YouTube videos instead of classes. Someone mentioned Yoga With Adrienne, I watch her, too! Lol. But I watch more of Cole Chance's videos because I like knowing she used to be an addict. It just makes her more relatable to me.

I notice certain muscles won't relax as often or as easily as others (for me it is mostly my forehead), though. Sometimes I get like an emotional release when they relax that isn't always pleasant. So it makes sense that other members could have greater difficulty with yoga if more of their muscles are affected like this. I drink a little wine and diffuse essential oils sometimes and that seems to help the process be less threatening.

Has anyone else tried Autogenic Training? It's like a guided relaxation sequence (some videos add hypnosis and other stuff, though) that doesn't involve tensing your muscles so maybe it would be helpful to members who find yoga painful   

Hopefully she does *fingers crossed* Maybe you could check. If it were me, it would bother me to not check even though I was too depressed to do it in the first place. Then it would just become a new thing to beat myself over the head with while I'm depressed 

I'm terrible at remembering personal stuff, too. I don't know if that's comforting, lol. Especially if I get overwhelmed. I usually shut down when I get too stressed and then I feel worse because I wind up making more problems for myself due to missed deadlines, etc. 

I'm in college and my degree has taken much longer than it should because I'm chronically depressed and stressed. I feel like I burnt out before college but life just keeps piling stuff on me

Awesome! I'm glad your visit went well 

Hi, Rebel62

Thank you for the hug  Yes, over time, I seemed to go deeper and deeper into trancelike states. And I also started to have social numbness. It seemed like my dissociative states got more problematic the more they turned into automatic responses.

That really sucks you are having more anxiety and flashbacks. I think its important to relax and decompress regularly; I seem to have more if I dont have some kind of relaxation regimen going on. I'm not sure about the guilt. On the one hand negative emotions often fuel addictions and such, but your guilt could prevent you from escalating your drinking if your stress escalates.

I like to make mixed drinks, though. Or try different wines, etc. I think making drinking aesthetically pleasing and creative helps relieve some of the stress as much as the alcohol itself. Although I can see how ready to go drinks can have a nice appeal, too.

I wish I had something helpful to say about the therapist issue, but I really don't have a lot of personal experience with therapy. I wonder if your therapist would maybe be willing to work with you on a sliding scale temporarily? I thought some therapists did that 

 

Hi, Hope66

Good luck with your trip    I hope it goes well, and you get to enjoy spending time with your friends.

This is something that works for me but most people think is too paranoid, but why not just prepare for what you would do if you did see them (totally ignore them, or greet and medium chill, leave, etc)? It makes me feel much more in control and less Deer In Headlights, than if I hope for the best and get blindsided.

Like if I'm worried about seeing my bro at a BBQ (for example), I plan an escape route/excuse to leave if he shows up. So when I was with my ex, I would coordinate the max amount of time I could tolerate staying and/or the excuse we would use to leave. I have particular behaviors I NOPE out on, too.

Like if my family began to use us as an audience to fight in front of, my ex generally knew to expect me to suddenly have Pressing Things To Do That We Forgot About Until Right Now, lol.

Ironically for me, my paranoia usually was accurate when it came to my family but wildly out of proportion when it came to other situations, hah hah. I don't know if that's true of you, though.

Hi, Tekes and Contessa

It did feel good. I was like    for the rest of the day.

I have tried to get testing. But the tester at my school wanted me to get on antidepressants for six months and then get tested, even though I had been diagnosed with some type of LD as a child. They did give me test accommodations, though. As there is a history of bipolar and schizophrenia in my family, I was hesitant to get on AD's during the school year in case I had a bad reaction.

I thought of getting the testing independently, but I was worried the cost would be too much.

I have wanted to try medication, though. I had some success with certain herbs, and it makes wonder what the right drug could do for me. I have tried therapy, but not long enough to make a difference.

It does work for me, hah hah! I watch Khan Academy a lot. I like to "prelearn" or review math material with it. Or I watch his lectures if my teacher's explanation doesn't make sense to me. I heard of Wolfram Alpha but never used it yet. I also go to SI or study groups.

Visuals help me a lot actually, I like to draw pictures and motion arrows of what is happening to the numbers or symbols, lol. I'm good at remembering formulas for some reason. I have found the way math textbooks are written to be hard for me to relate to, though.

I try to stay positive, but I have my negative days. I try not to talk much then cause I usually just think of some way to rationalize the pessimistic way I'm feeling, lol.

Hi Rebel62,

I really relate. My trajectory followed a similar path of dissociation>self-harm>marijuana>alcohol. And I still sometimes use alcohol to take the edge off certain emotions or relax.

That's interesting you mentioned calling up dissociation. I do something similar but I can't undo it so I don't like to voluntarily trigger it. I can also squash a crush from developing if I notice it before it hits a certain threshold (I have to catch it in like the first week), but again it can't be undone 

I think an addiction can develop if a person doesn't have a lot of social support or outlets to relieve stress, especially after a trauma. So I'd be mindful of warning signs with the stress you are under that the drinking is developing its own momentum, if that makes sense.

I'm sorry you have a lot of stressful stuff going on in your life right now. Hopefully it will get better soon.
Here is a big electronic hug until then 

TW SH

Hi, Three Roses

Sorry about the trigger warning. I should have realized the post needed one  I didn't mean to encourage self-harm, but I could see how my post could be interpreted that way. I feel that shame can sometimes fuel the cycle of self-harm, so I didn't want LL to feel ashamed that her coping mechanism wasn't as "appropriate" as some of the others.

I am looking for a therapist but it's been hard to find one that accepts my insurance. I am actually very articulate with people about my pain, and talking it out helps but I feel that it's more of an investment in decreasing it over the long-term and raising my stress threshold. I do know how to express my emotions in a healthy way. I'm not suicidal.

But talking doesn't seem to work on an emotion that has suddenly "spiked." Self-harm is more something I do if my frustration spikes into a particular nail-on-chalkboard level. Like from over-stimulation. I know some people rely on it for day to day emotions (which I believe is problematic from personal experience trying this route) so I should have thought of that implication before I posted what I did.

I do agree that self-harm is often counterproductive and is a warning sign that pain/stress is reaching unsustainable levels. I don't think someone should rely on it instead of building more appropriate coping mechanisms and reaching out for support 

Hi, Lovely Lindsey 

If it's any comfort, I have rage issues. I've even attacked people. I think growing up with frustrating or abusive people can cause some people to develop rage problems     It was so bad in my teens, I secretly worried about ending up in jail.

I don't rage frequently but once I hit my threshold, I can't be reasoned with and I need space and preferably solitude to calm down. I have found I need to prioritize stress management more than people who don't rage.

I think sanmagic7 is right about healing being exhausting and overwhelming. Nobody changes overnight anyways, so as long as you are making some progress (even if it's really, really slow), that's more important in my opinion. It's ok to take breaks, too. Progress has different paces for everyone