Messages

Hi Soulflower,

I'm so sorry you feel that way! I can relate to the feeling that it's all so overwhelming all the time, that the only thing that helps a little is to numb it with meds.

Is there anyone you can go to for help? Your MD? Or a therapist?
The reason why I'm asking this, is because you're selfmedicating with bedtimes sedatives during daytime and you're experiencing delusions more than half of your waking hours. That feels quite alarming to me.

I hope you find some comfort here! 

Hi themcd1313!

I've been diagnosed with ADD too. Honestly, I have no idea if together they make recovery more difficult or if they both might diminish.
In the past I learned it's better for my sanity that I don't overthink it. There was a time where I tried to find answers about this co morbidity, but I gave up. It just made me feel like crap because I couldn't find any helpfull information. Nothing I found was conclusive or well researched.
All I know is that when I'm really tired and I feel overwhelmed and stressed out in the morning, taking my ADD meds can help. It not only helps to focus, but it helps me to stay grounded and to reside in the 'here-and-now'. And thanks to that I don't have as much EF's that day. (I don't take it daily because it could lose it's effectiveness.)
Another thing that helped me was the knowledge that ADD is just a word. It's a word that was invented by a group of people to describe a certain phenomenon so they could try to understand it. The way ADD presents itself in my mind and body is different than yours and yours is different than the next person. So I try to focus on what I feel and what my body tells me. Because getting labeled with that word can sometimes make me feel powerless against it. So I try to remember that it's just a word.

Thanks for the (much needed) love and support sanmagic7, radical, Three Roses, Dee, flookadelic and bring em all in! It's heartwarming!

You're right Flookadelic, we do make good employees. My employers are very pleased.
But when I last talked to my T and told him what my work schedule was going to be like after Winter Break, he got worried.
He explained that he was worried I'm at risk for exhaustion, burn out, depression,... Which got me worried too.
So I panicked and started to think about what I could leave out so that I won't get to that point.
I came up with nothing. Which got me even more worried, and so on. It's like a vicious cycle...  I don't want to get to the point of a burn out.

Bring em all in, I'm glad to hear you were able to do that. It must be very liberating.
My T tried to do that with me once to break to hold of my inner critic on that matter, but I dissociated (badly). I can look at some aspects of my life at once, but when I list to much of those at once it's way too overwhelming.
I hope I'll be able to make a list like that one day without the unpleasant side effects.

Thank you guys for the kind words!

Hi guys,

I've been reading posts on this forum since last summer and, before I type anything else, I must say THANK YOU. What you guys write here, and the way you write it, is amazing.

It took me a while to become an active member. Partly because I'm the 'suffer alone' type of gal but also because I tend to minimize my own pain when I read what some of you are going through right now (it's like I'm not allowed to complain or feel bad thanks to my 'lovely' inner critic).

To make a long story short(er) I'll spare you the details of my journey. The struggle, the pain and traumatic situations date back as far as I can remember.
Despite the traumatising situation at home (which got worse after my parents got divorced) and the sexual abuse when I was 13, I always kept it together. I was the perfect daughter, the lovely and polite little girl. I always took care of my mom, my dad and my brother.
Three years ago I crashed and I went off the (very) deep end. I had a depression, tried to commit suicide, suffered from severe insomnia, selfmedicated with prescription drugs and alcohol,... (I'm too ashamed to mention the rest)

After months and months of struggling and having no hope whatsoever of ever feeling less miserable, I found an amazing therapist. He was the first one to give a correct name to what I was going through. He was the first one to explain C-PTSD to me. Suddenly it all made sense.

I still have a long way to go and sometimes it feels like I'll never get there.
The reason I decided to post something today is the rough couple of weeks I had. Last Friday I crashed physically and mentally after weeks of extreme workload (partly so I wouldn't have to feel anything), almost no sleep and selfmedicating so that I could keep going.
When I went to see my therapist today, he wanted to discuss what had happened and I dissociated. Even though I know why I dissociate, why I work so much and why I push myself so far that I crash, I feel stuck and out of options.
I know that feeling will pass, but it feels pretty crappy right now.

(Oh, and English is not my native language so I apologise for any mistakes I typed.)