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[SEE I have problems with my looks too just like everyone else.]

All right I am not sure if I am allowed to post this (feel free to delete if not) but I get away with it in broad daylight daily so here it goes....

I struggle with a relatively socially acceptable form of self-harm (picking at wounds, creating wounds out of nothing) but it is self sabotage and self harm none the less and it is embarrassing, traumatic, a coping mechanism and all the other things that other forms of self harm get labelled.

However I have yet to find a Therapist who seems to take it seriously. Several have trivialized it. One was initially concerned but as I explained further she brushed it off as unimportant. My ex was fully aware of all of it's facets but "allowed" it to continue saying if it helped me and made me feel better then do it.

Except as many of us know while it may help us feel better in the short term in the long term the scars and wounds it leaves behind are embarrassing.

I understand why I do this but cannot seem to be able to stop because all of the people I have gone to for help don't think it's important 

I am terrified to be pretty.

Terrified.

I am quite naturally beautiful (not over the top or anything) and have struggled with this ALL my life.  Don't want to be seen as JUST a pretty face. Judged for being pretty. Excluded for being pretty. You name it I have a complex about it.

And so I self sabotage. Destroying my skin as a way to say to the world: SEE I have problems with my looks too just like everyone else.

I don't really seem to find a lot of empathy for my position 

This makes it really extra hard to talk about. As if it wasn't hard enough in the first place!

I guess what I am wondering is am I being unrealistic to hope that I would find a professional who is able to see this as an actual problem because it is a problem in my life that I'd really love some support in solving.

SC & Rain thank you SO much for your insights on this topic. Is there a way to flag this so I can refer to it OFTEN? 
I am just scratching the surface of understanding and seeing the EA of my ex for what it is. It's OBVIOUS now that I can see the signs.

I love Nina Brown's quote in this book, "Above all, do not try to be empathic with someone who has a destructive narcissistic pattern. They will eat it up -- trying to swallow you in the process."   I cannot be honestly me around a narcissist and be empathic as I relate to healthy people, in fact it is dangerous with a narc.   Dealing with a narcissist is not honest, direct communication.  It is being in nearly constant defense mode.   A "tiny bit devious" with a narcissist ...you bet!!!

^ this! Oh heavens so very very true so often I found myself dizzied in confusion as to how my empathy was turned back upon me.  Bizarre.

Rain you must have a wonderful library. I am constantly writing down books you reference. Thank you to you both for sharing your insights and experiences.

I feel like I am finally able to feel things "smaller"...now I usually notice an unpleasant emotion early, feel it briefly, and recover more quickly.  I share this with you because it's new for me, was unfamiliar and I think gives hope.

I like that - feel things smaller. I am still learning about all of this and often feelings for me are really really big and confusing and draining and...well yeah. I like that, thank you. 

Hi There

I just wanted to chime in on the original question which was in regards to abuse workbooks. I did work about half way through one a few years back and found it an extremely helpful framework while the rug that was my reality and sense of self was being ripped out from underneath me.

I'll have to dig it out to find out which one it was as I have no idea when the snow here melts a little more I'll post back and let you know.

Kizzie this is bang on where I am struggling these days. Thank you for this.

Hi Anamiame, I answered this in my thread but I'll answer quickly in yours too....
My littlest is 18 months and pretty much the cutest thing ever. We are convinced it is a survival technique as I've been hanging on by a thread his whole life to be frank.
My older two are 11 and 9. My daughter (11) is with me full time, I'm all she has in the world and she is a pretty wonderful young lady. My son (9) is one of those sensitive types that can turn hard and mean and nasty if you don't take the time to connect with his heart. Melancholic they call him, me too

I love my kids. I run a preschool, one with pretty strong & lofty ideals about childhood and how we ought to treat our children. It's kind of a big deal to me. My life's mission if you will. I am coming to a place where I see that the baby was my gift to show me to my path but to be honest his arrival into the world was extremely stressful and unwelcome. It most certainly has taken years off my life.

Are yours gone from home? Teens as a single Mom, whew I don't envy you!

Thank you all for your kind words. Kizzie I only wish I had time for the level of self care I really desire. To be honest I'm afraid of it a little because going in, acknowledging the feelings I was having, taking time, that was what landed me in depression and pregnant, though the latter is unlikely to happen again
I feel as though I would love to take a few days to read everything you all have written on this board as it is so valuable as well as Pete Walkers site which I have been trying to read.

My kids are 11, 9 and 18 months. They all have different Dads and I've been a single parent for pretty much all of the 11 years I've been parenting. My daughter is the oldest, I left her Dad when she was about 18 months because he was cooking drugs in the house when I wasn't home. He is a drug addict now which is hard in it's own right. My 9 year old boys Dad is amazing, a wonderful man who stays away from me because he is convinced I am a psychopath or have BPD.

And the baby...admittedly I am angry with his Dad. Really angry. Like more than I have ever been in my life. The hardest thing is I don't know if my feelings are justified in the present or if they come from the past. Can CPTSD occur in adulthood? Everything I have read assumes the trauma occurred in childhood but what if you were in a really vulnerable place as an adult in a relationship with someone you trusted deeply?

My partner broke up with me in an email when I was 41 weeks pregnant with his child. I layed down some boundaries around my then 7 year old son and he refused to respect them, I asked him to leave and restated the boundaries. He broke up with me and told me to have the baby without him. He bailed on rent, food etc. I had no maternity benefits no way to pay the bills but to go back to work a contract job with my tiny infant strapped to my chest.

It was awful.

For a year and a half now I have been caught in that desperate panic mode, fighting, blaming, accusing, begging, crying, pleading for him to "do the right thing" and respect the boundaries I have laid around my older children, to treat me as an equal instead of an invalid. But of course nothing has changed and he is as entrenched as ever, as am I.

I am trapped. I don't know what to do to break free of the panic and desperation I feel constantly. The anger and rage I feel is like poison in my veins.

And I wonder how much is in the present? Obviously right NOW, this moment, none. But recent history? Or old childhood beliefs? My ex would say it has nothing to do with him, that he is a saint.

Counselling has only dealt with the right here and now. Keeping food on the table. The doors to my business open. My stress away from my children. But what I know is that there are deeper questions to be answered and I don't know where those answers lie. Don't trust my own thoughts.

Anyway I will keep reading your stories and maybe come to better understand my own.

Thank you for sharing your story Anamiame. It touched me deeply and I hear echoes of myself so strongly in your words.

Anyway, whenever I would be vulnerable, it's like I would get my hand slapped and get deeply hurt...always coming back to the same thing:  "You stupid idiot!  What the * did you THINK would happen!  Never trust ANYONE to be there for you, NEVER!" 

I just got out of a relationship that reminds me of this. He begged me to open up to him, to be vulnerable and show him all of my darkest corners and then he used all of that information against me. To attack me, criticize. Deem me unfit to care for my children. As a reason why he didn't have to listen to my thoughts, feelings or opinions. I was "damaged", "broken" no good. I can't even believe I could have been dumb enough to love someone like that but I did. I trusted him even and got burned in a big way.

I realized when I woke up that I no longer ask for help.  It's been my entire adult life.  Don't ask.  It's only going to hurt you.  And no one will help you.  When my youngest was born, our church did meals.  I was told, "Well, we asked everyone, but no one wanted to make you a meal."  Really???  REALLY???  It hurt more than I wanted to admit. 

I just don't ask anymore. 

And this. Oh the pain of isolation. Do we do it to ourselves? Why is no one courageous enough to cut through our crap and just be there?

Thank you for sharing.

My counsellor suggested that I might find help in a support board I used to do group work but found myself always helping others and hiding my own troubles. I am grateful to have found this place and reading your courageous stories brings me sadness, relief and hope along with likely many more emotions I cannot name or identify.

I am just over two years in on my journey of discovering and acknowledging my past. I don't actually remember my childhood before I was 8 and always assumed that my parents divorce and arguing was the most traumatic thing that happened to me.

I was wrong.

Memories. Vague and filled with revulsion and horror. Cloudy and unclear are pushed aside, stuffed down so that I can cope and care for my children. As a teen I developed a story of another life, another identity, a past that was mine but not mine. As an adult I justified my promiscuity as empowerment blaming myself for situations that I now see were rape.

My ex partner pushed me into counselling. Told me I was safe to uncover the secrets locked within my psyche. Neither of us realized what I would uncover there.

I became pregnant and had to stop the work I was doing because I went into a deep depression. For those of you who suffer from depression you have my sincere sympathy. I do not envy your struggle at all. I was debilitated.

No one could or would help. Surrounded by people who said they loved me I cried myself to sleep day and night alone. Haunted by who I was. What did it mean to my identity for these things to have happened to me? They happened to other people, not me.

My pregnancy culminated in my partner walking out on my due date. I begged him to leave actually. So that I could feel safe, he couldn't do what I needed and so I needed him to go. That event is what led me here. My counsellor and I are exploring the idea that I've suffered PTSD because of that event. Giving birth without my partner, his demanding that I "be ok", leaving me alone to work days after the baby was born to support my family. The shock of that event on what was already unstable ground has left me reeling still a year and a half later.

I am terrified to go back there. To that place of discovery that I worked towards.

And yet I know I have to.

Thank you for sharing your stories. You are so courageous. Your bravery gives me strength.