Messages

I've been dealing with some serious dental issues again and I wondered if those who suffered neglect wanted to unload some physical outcomes. A lot of these never occurred to me as a big deal until looking back and realizing most kids probably had more attentive parents to help or teach basic skills.
And of course they're super embarrassing so I feel even more shame about them!
— I had lice for at least a year. I think a lot of kids get lice but I could not get rid of it, and of course I was in a new school just like every year. My habit of never complaining about anything to anyone at least kept me from getting mocked at school, but it felt like it was never going to go away despite my mom knowing.
— I remember waking up once and realizing something was really wrong with my ear and hearing. It turns out I had so much wax build-up that it had blocked my hearing.
— one time I got a perm (old school I know). You have to sit there to let it set for a long time and I got this huge acid burn on my neck. Another example of my resistance to complain or self-advocate. This isn't really my parents fault, but it's evidence of how I had learned to deal w/ issues.
— and of course my teeth. Things were way too effed up to get me to a dentist or practice regular dental care, and my shame about the state they're in now often keeps me from getting help. Sigh.
Weird stuff.

Awwww, thanks so much for responding SanMagic! My eyes unexpectedly got teary reading your comments. Your name always makes me think of San Miguel de Allende, a very pretty town in Mexico. Big hugs back.

That sounds so upsetting, greendoor! Just reading your experience, I know I feel the same helplessness when a loved one is bullied - and it could trigger the helplessness of being a child who depends on an unreliable and abusive caretaker.

I love that part of you that recognized you were maybe in an EF. I hear that voice too sometimes, looking out for me 💕 I know this was written a while ago — I hope things are better for you and your daughter!  Hugs!

I'm assuming it varies, but I've had day-long episodes with waves of panic and anxiety along with feeling small and helpless. I've used some of the coping methods on here and feel slightly better, only to have it flare up again. It would help to hear others' experiences in terms of length. 

Recently I've noticed a really telling sign that I'm in an EF. Whenever I start to feel incredibly guilty about the amount of time I spend with my pet rabbit, that's when I know I'm vulnerable and likely in an ef. I have a single bunny, and they need more attention than bonded bunnies. I also was neglected as a child. I spend time daily with my bun George but I also struggle with depression, so I often want to hide in bed. George has a big old cage and he has a whole bun-proofed room with hay and toys that he gets the run of from noon to 8 or so daily.

Anyway, no matter what, when I'm in an EF, the effort I put in is never enough. I'm a terrible bunny mother and my dude is horribly lonely. Even writing this out makes me feel guilty and upset, and I just hung out with him all afternoon and evening. When I am healthy or in a better emotional place, it doesn't affect me as much. It's become a helpful indicator, even though I still experience the guilt and sadness. 

It's so nice to see all the activity in this thread and to read all your thoughts!! I can relate to so many things.
Saharason, the feeling that I don't matter and that my feelings/needs are unimportant is the root of all my pain. I have internalized this and often don't even know how I feel about things because I haven't bothered to figure it out. It doesn't even occur to me to do so. And if I face the slightest pushback on an issue I will assume I'm wrong.
Sanmagic, you described it so well when you mentioned floating through life - like I don't count enough to weigh in on any topic or issue. Plus, I'm so used to it I don't bother asking myself.
There is such deep shame because we had a nice house, all the basic middle-income things but I was alone so much of my childhood, trying to make up games with myself. There were no adults to depend on, and not even any other children. We moved every year and always lived far in the woods with no neighbors.
I run back and forth between scolding myself for exaggerating and realizing my emotional and even basic dental needs just weren't important. Thanks for sharing and listening, guys.

Oh Coco, your original post in this thread managed to identify something I've never been able to pinpoint! What a relief! I was lost, running away from myself until about 21 years old. Then I had this long productive spurt where I was doing well at work and loving my personal life. There were still issues (one time right before I moved to a new apartment I woke up every night at 3 am positive someone was going to attack me in my room. I had three roommates who would wake up if there was an intruder. The apartment had always been a fun, safe space. I locked my bedroom door on top of all the other locks in the house. But every night I would wake. It stopped once I moved to the new apartment.)

Then suddenly at 40 years old everything just went to heck. I share your issues with showering and housework. Every day I'll tell myself I'm going to shower. I'll set an hour when I'm supposed to jump in, then that hour goes by and I set a new hour, and that will go by too. You're right that it is an internal war. Usually I end up on my iPad, with the tv on, disassociating and trying to mentally hide from any bad feeling that might crop up. I have no distractions in the shower - it's just me. It's not safe, much like right before I fall asleep. I started sleeping with the tv on when I was younger so I could avoid being alone with my brain. Then tv wasn't enough so I started taking Benadryl every night too. 20 years later, that's still what I do to get to sleep - keep the tv on and gulp down Benadryl every night. And it can't just be any show because of course so many are triggering. I have a handful of approved shows. It's all so, so much work.

I have a therapist I like who specializes in internal family systems (by the way, your explanation of the different parts etc. is amazing - much easier to understand than some others.) She diagnosed me with cptsd. I am lucky that I found someone to help me but it is still so hard. So glad I found you guys.

I so appreciate hearing your stories on this message board and being able to share my experiences with you.  Because I dealt almost solely with neglect due to traumatized parents, I often look forward to new posts in the neglect/abandonment thread when I check the board (ugh, that prob sounds terrible.) Its the connection I crave. Your posts always make me feel connected, like I'm not crazy or strange and alone -- like there are others who know my struggle.

Anyway, this blog makes me feel the same way I feel when I read posts here. I hope it can help others. I've commented a few times on her blog cause I'd love to hear more of her story. Triggers abound in all of her posts, so be careful. Also please let me know if it's wrong of me to link to a blog. I just want to share something that helped me. 

**************This link has TRIGGERS**************

https://mercedesthayer.com/

******************************************

Does anyone have tips for someone who struggles with basic cbt to stop dissociation? I'll plunge into identifying three smells, three things I see, things I can touch, etc. but I get really bored and then distracted and I forget where I was and then I get frustrated...
Any help/guidance appreciated

I can really relate to this, Toast, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Pete Walker talks about how terrible it can be when a neglected child can't find a single adult or ally who supports them. That certainly was the case for me - no teachers, aunts, uncles or other family members stepped in when my parents neglected me. (Potential trigger) Only instead of being zoned out on drugs, they weren't "there" because of crime/trauma. My dad's attempted murder of my mom meant she and I moved away to the middle of nowhere and she needed to recover.

Once she got out of the hospital we moved and I remember just being alone. All the time. I didn't know anyone and we were miles away from other houses so I'd just make up games and read (we didn't have a tv.) Asking for anything was absolutely out of the question.

I didn't realize that that was the reason I had such crap taste in men and the rare friend once in a while - it's cause any attention at all was better than nothing. Anyway thank you for sharing and I'm glad you're here. I hope this group brings you comfort and a way towards healing.

Love that website, AllHail! Thanks for posting!!

I'm so glad this thread exists!! I have been panicking all day about eating. I've never had any body issues but preparing and eating food has caused a lot of anxiety and fear because of my childhood neglect. I buy ingredients for yummy recipes that I love and then I don't want to make them and I end up eating cereal. Then I feel guilty because I'm wasting so much food.
Don't even get me started on showering and brushing my teeth. It all makes me want to hide under the covers and cry. The guilt I feel for neglecting myself is so overwhelming that I don't want to bother.
I appreciate the ideas here, though! I'll try to apply them.

Hello there and welcome! I'm very new here as well but I wanted to respond because your post resonated so strongly. First off, I immediately identified with the delicious comfort of cancelling plans. I just cancelled my therapy appointment this afternoon for no other reason than I needed to go home, get in bed and surf the internet. There is a great weight lifted when I cancel plans.
*****trigger warning for content below******
Second, and I'm prob over sharing too cause I haven't even introduced myself on this board, my dad tried to kill my mom when I was 10. I did not witness it, thank god, but I apparently interrupted the attack unwittingly. I was called to testify in court and it was a big mess. Like you, it has caused a ripple effect into adulthood that I'm still grappling with at 41 years old.
*************
So that's it - just wanted to thank you for describing the relief of canceling plans. It's something I didn't even recognize in myself until I saw it here on the page. And thank you for being brave enough to share your experience. It has helped me feel not so alone. I hope I and others on this board can bring you comfort and connection

Thanks, Three Roses!! I'll do an intro post soon

Oh man hanging by a thread, something about the way you wrote " trying to push me off onto someone else," resonated with me big time. I often felt dismissed, like my issues weren't worth anyone's time. I am hypersensitive to any whiff or suggestion that people can't deal with me, that I am a burden or causing problems.
Just wanted to share and thank you for posting. You helped me feel not so alone today and hopefully our shared experiences can help you .

Wow kayfly, you just jogged my memory big time! There was a while (like years) where I wanted my boyfriend (now husband) to stay awake until I fell asleep. Never even thought about it until your post reminded me. Thanks for this! <3