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Before I sign off for the night I thought I'd share something that has been helping me, of late.  Over the years I have noticed that I have a strong current of repetitive behaviors and compulsions.  My acupuncturist recently suggested I start logging some of these behaviors as I have them.  It's been quite illuminating!  Just seeing the log helps me feel compassion for what I deal with day in and day out.  And it also helps me identify times of the day, or week, that I struggle the most.  It gives me some indication of when I need to double down on self care. 

I'm also logging some self-care behaviors to see how they might relate to the repeating behaviors.

Some things I am tracking:

- alcohol/drug use
- obsessive cleaning
- "meltdowns" - when I lose control / freak out
- tears (merciful!)
- binge eating
- naps
- self-harming
- exercise
- triggers (when something external happens)
- depression / anxiety

I'd be curious if anyone has tried this, and found any benefit. 

That's so interesting, what you say about having to be vague when trying to describe experiences.  I tend to be very vague, as well.  I worry that people will find what I have to say to be distressing, and since I care about them, I avoid specifics. 

I have found that my trauma survivors support group is a venue where I can be a little more detailed.  Maybe because we come there specifically to talk about things, and also having an experienced therapist/leader there can help others deal with stuff as it comes up.  So I don't feel like I have to be the sole person to confront their emotions with them. 

But in all honesty, I don't like hearing the specifics come out of my mouth, and I don't like thinking about them, either.  For some reason it makes it more real and I'm not always fully equipped to deal with that reality.

As for the avoidance of the triggers and areas of the city...  That is 100% understandable and a natural, healthy response to trauma.  I would try to remember that this is how a normal, healthy, person responds to horrifying events.  Try to be so very kind to yourself around these fears.  It is not your fault.

Humor (in sarcasm, black humor, levity etc) is such a wonderful gift and something I wish I used a little bit more with coping.  I welcome that. 

I've dealt with a lot of pain, myself, around the notion that "this is never going to go away".  I've had to contend with the idea that this is a chronic condition that will improve and hopefully get easier over time, but that it may never go away completely.  That's hard. 

I'm so sorry that you've endured these experiences.  I hope you can find lightness, space, and more things to laugh about in the days to come. 

You are most certainly not alone.  Thanks for sharing your experiences.  I'm glad you are seeing a support person on a regular basis.  Self care and compassion towards ourselves is so important. 

Hello there everyone.  I discovered this discussion board today while looking for support online around struggles in the workplace and CPTSD.

I am a 36 years old woman who has been struggling with symptoms of CPTSD for my entire adult life.  Unfortunately I was reared in a highly dysfunctional family where I endured sadistic abuse (physical, emotional) and neglect by my primary caretakers from a very young age through age 18 when I was able to leave home.  I score about a 7 on the ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) assessment, however I consider myself very resilient and am, to the outside world, someone you might consider highly functional. 

That functionality is in some part due to my independent nature and being somewhat "scrappy".  I've also been fortunate to have some strong allies throughout my life.  Additionally, I've developed special gifts as a result of my experiences (I have myself to thank for this, not the abuse).  Much of my life I have struggled to build a sense of safety for myself.  Through that hard work and safety building, I've created space for healing.  The healing process has turned out to be ... quite challenging.  With my health practitioners, I have identified the need for me to slow down on my career for a while so that I can focus on this healing journey with some real intention. 

I've gone part time at work.  This is my third week in, and let me tell you, unstructured time is difficult for me.  I hope to improve my relationship to myself, and work through some of this pain that has been waiting for me to pay attention to it.  I'm always curious about finding a sense of community, as my experiences lend to an incredible sense of isolation some of the time.  A deeply engrained fear of relationship.  Nevertheless I have what I think is a strong support system of friends and allies.

Some of what I am focused on includes:
- practicing asking for help and embracing vulnerability
- tolerance of discomfort / painful emotions
- positive expression of rage / anger

I look forward to sharing some of myself, reading, and supporting the experiences of others in this community if I can.

Nice to meet you.