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HI, I am back after a too long absence.  I realise how much this site is a help, my own journalling is just not enough!
I just read another post about dating and got up the courage to write my own. 

Met someone on an internet dating site on Sunday and the same pattern emerged as with the other two men I met recently:  I idealise them and refuse to see the "whole picture" so that I start falling in love with then within a few days of contact (even when I haven´t met them) and then of course I fall down hard onto the cold concrete floor called reality.

I then go through a major grief process as I am confronted with my inability to trust my own perceptions.

Still, what I did differently today was: I recognised that my inner critic was taking the stage and whipping me into a depression which I stopped and through journalling got myself a little bit of perspective back.

My therapist had opened my eyes yesterday as I went into my session already in the opiate-induced state of being "in-love" ish.  When I described the situation she asked me "why did you give him your address the day after you met him on the internet?" and I realised how dangerously I had acted, especially given that I have a 4-year-old daughter.  He had insisted on coming to bring me gifts (the day after we had exchanged four medium-lengthed messages and had agreed to meet) and even after I had said no, not tonight, he asked if he could leave them at the door for me, at which I gave in and met him outside.  But at the time I did not see that he had disregarded my boundaries (my perennial issue) and that I had not protected them.  He came again the following night and although I had not asked him nor consented to this, brought a charger to charge my car battery (i can´t afford to drive it so it has been sitting on the street for a year now) and spent two hours doing so.  All the while I am foolishly feeling like he is some kind of knight rescuing me, when in reality, I don´t need the "(§/$& car and I would have preferred that he ask me out on saturday night when my daughter is at her father´s like I had specified on my profile. 

Am mad at myself for not holding my own needs in awareness and projecting my inner child´s need to be loved and rained attention on, onto my adult (!) relationships.  But, I remind myself, being compassionate with myself is much more productive than being mad at myself.

Still, I am grieving: my loneliness and desperate need for male attention; my inability to self care often especially when it comes to men;  my idealisation of rather unstable men; and my inability to stay on the ground and hold the process of getting to know someone without instantly falling in love with them.

mantra: I am learning from each and every valuable mistake I make and I love my mistakes, the more the better, keep them coming, amen.

thanks for reading, hope you are all having a lovely day!

xxxx  Chira

Hi Blue Sun!  Is it Ok for me to ask if you have any alternative to living with your M right now?  I am only asking because for me sleep is a major thing: when my sleep gets affected, I spiral downwards pretty badly and lose my grip but perhaps this doesn't apply to you...

that's great about the therapy.  is the T good? How is your M responding? 

Good luck and enjoy exploring the forum.  I am so glad you are navigating through this earlier rather than later in life.  I wish you so much happiness once the pain gets transformed enough!!!

love and light!

Chira

A big welcome from me too! 

Chira

Hi from me too!  I joined here a couple of months ago and am amazed at how caring and real people are here.  I hope you feel a sense of an "instant community" here too.  It does take some navigating and exploring and if you are anything like me, it will take you on a rollercoaster ride of emotions reading other's posts and reflecting on yourself, as well as posting and 'revealing' or sharing your own stuff, but it is so worth it, as I have the feeling people with C-PTSD spend so much time trying to survive in the world by adjusting and turning themselves into a pretzel that they can only start to discover who they really are in a safe place like this one, where we don't have to be nice to survive, we can be nice to ourselves for a change and receive praise for it.

Anyway, I am glad you are here.  And I think Blue Sun is a great name, do you mind if I use that instead of Fawn?

Take care, welcome and good luck with your triggering mum, watch carefully, see how she does it, then tell us about it, if you feel like it!!!!!!

xxxx

Chira

HI Miniftw, wanted to add my weclome too.  i feel saddened to read your post.  I send you and him wishes of light at the end of this dark dark tunnel.  i hope you find many resources to make it easier to get through this, I am constantly amazed at how much beauty there can be in pain and suffering when you see it in the light many people who have come through describe it.  This process is making both of you into deeper, richer people.  I can already hear through your words that you are sensitive, intelligent and extremely caring.  learning to love, to believe in the person, without trying to rescue is an art, where self love allows us to keep filling our tanks to then give to others.  I wish for you what i am now at 45 trying so desperately to learn: to perceive my own needs not just of those i love.  I would love it if your SO also posts, when he comes out of his deep dark place.  I send you a big hug along with my welcome and look forward to exchanging our experiences. (I am also new here and so far am really grateful to have found this place).

Chira

Hi Batsville,

Gosh, that sounds awful, to have to go through that, it must have been like wrestling with death.  no wonder you have all those cptsd symptoms (which i so relate to by the way and I guess many of us here do too ).  As i too am new here, I find  it is so hard when you are in the midst of it to trust that it wont always be so, do you agree?  i get so much hope here from people who are obviously further along the path and prove that our soul CAN one day be a safe place.  It gives me a * of alot of strength to think that all this process has a purpose which is hinted at by the sensitivity, wisdom and depths of the people who write here.  i know it sounds philosophical in the face of your pain but it is a thought that helps me and i am hoping it helps you too: if humanity must develop empathy in order to survive (jeremy rifkin), then cptsd sufferers are leading the way, in that our suffering is forging our hearts into a vehicle for compassion and understanding.  am feeling totally exposed writing this, but will just take the risk. 

Am really glad to "meet" you and send you loads of wishes and warmth!

big hug!

Chira

Hi C!  You sound like an incredible person, I was filled with awe and admiration as i read your words.  Like the others said, you seem to have the inner and outer resources to deal with all this pain and you now have the right diagnosis which is the best starting point as you can now build on solid ground, one brick at a time.  recovery is bitter sweet but what i love about this site is that the sweetness comes through loud and clear and makes the bitter easier to work through.

i'm glad you are here.  i too am new, so we can discover this new world of healing in our own pace and timing!

My story is a narcissistic alcoholic father and emotionally absent, enabling mother, growing up with fear and a skewed sense of self and abusing myself for most of my teen and adult life through substance abuse, abusive relationships and deep self destructiveness.  a relatively mild trauma compared with many here but one that has left me strongly identifying with the symptoms of cptsd nonetheless and working through pete walker's amazing revelational book!

after what you have been through, i agree with kizzie to take it slowly and be kind and gentle with yourself as it is a HUGE adjustment to be alone again after 22 yrs.  i left my pd husband last year after 11 yrs and a year later i still have social anxiety, social isolation, paranoia and rollercoaster emotions.  days like today i feel human, tomorrow i could wake up and not be able to function, which is pretty awful with a small child to look after!

but i know in my heart of hearts all will be ok.  for all of us.  we are all seeking and i believe when you open up to help, it tends to come, just when you have given up.  i am trying to enjoy the good days like today without deluding myself that the emotional flashbacks are a thing of the past.  am trying to learn how to deal with them better.  it seems to be working slowly but surely.

so anyway, welcome! just keep coming back, use this as a lifeline!

lots of love,

Chira

Your replies have made my day!  The relief of finding this community is unparalleled.  I feel officially welcomed with the warmth and hugs I so desperately crave for.  I have returned to my "self" today, pulled myself back and took up the reigns again.  Hope it lasts a couple of days!!!!

Thanks for your reassurance, Schroeder's cat, (btw I live in a german speaking country!), I'm so grateful you gave me some of your wisdom about children, it really helped!!!!!  wish you were my neighbour, I could do with some parenting advice now and again!!!!!

So did all your comments, and ofcourse I felt the urge to look up your intro stories and then felt even more connection with you all, in fact everything I read confirms my initial feeling of "coming home".

It was also amazing to read (just now) a possible explanation of why 12-steps always made me feel anxious and depressed and not-good-enough in the thread from ootf (http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=19.msg91#msg91) from your message, Kizzy. 

Actually, this is the first forum where I feel relaxed.  In the past, and even on ootf, I felt overwhelmed reading about people's pain and felt I had nothing to offer.  Here, I have a feeling that life's light and darkness interweave in an artistic and uplifting way.  The warmth is not superficial and the posts are "clean", if you know what I mean. 

As for money, I will take both yours and Tree's advice.  And your, WhoBuddy's and Schroederscat's permission to not need to put on a brave face!  Thank you!

I tried to tell a friend today what it felt like to have found this site and how it helped me regroup and she said, "it is good to hear you speak like an adult for a change!  we are ultimately alone and being an adult means not thrashing about asking for help" which immediately made me feel crap about myself but I was able to say something like, "sharing and feeling understood is not leaning on others, it is a basic human need for connection which then gives you the strength to keep walking".  Of course I am not an adult fully despite my 45 years on this planet but i cant pretend to be strong when I am not.  I need a community where i can just be vulnerable and people "get it" like you said, Kizzy!  Where people sense and appreciate the light in me and I the light in them IN their process and struggles, not when they are "together". Someone once said to me, that she draws her strength from her weakness.  that has so helped me over the years.  That is what I sense lives here.  It is so good to find it.

So, thanks again, all of you and everyone else on this forum.  It is a godsend.

May you all receive a lovely surprise today!

 

Chira

Dear Trees, today you replied to my introductory post and I was so touched, I thought, I want to hear her story too, so I found your intro and wanted to tell you how moved I am by your spirit (and those of the people who replied to you!).  I am constantly inspired by the "quality of [people's] hearts" here (to quote Pete Walker), it seems to me you are an example of Rain's Kahlil Gibran quote!

So thanks for replying to me, thanks for being here, thanks for being you and sharing yourself and your heart with me/us.  May I add my hug to the others': 

Chira

I find myself thinking "how did I get here?," quite a lot.

That is a question I suspect we all relate to!!!!  It is like waking up to reality and nearly wishing you could scuttle back into denial again but at the same time relieved that you woke up finally....

I wish you so much strength and look forward to hearing about your journey.  I just posted for the first time yesterday so we have come here at the same time.  Isn't the warmth here such a relief, like coming indoors again after being out in the snow?!   

Have been thinking alot about what 'support' means for me.  What does it mean for you?  I know that the replies I received to my post were like a balm for my soul, it felt so healing that a couple of people I do not know took the time to write something kind. 

Anyway, till the next contact, take care and good luck on your process, hope your counsellor is empowering and the support group meets your needs.  And that here we both find what we need!



Chira

Hi Everyone. 

Despite minimising my trauma in comparison to many of yours, I still identify with CPTSD and therefore give myself the right to belong here.  Each time I read a post, I feel deep compassion and love for the warriors here who demonstrate so much wisdom and insight and honesty and generosity to each other.  I feel inspired to aspire to this level of communication.

I am so grateful to the blessed person from Ootf who first quieried whether i could be CPTSD and (not PD like I feared ) which led to me buy the book, leave my uPD husband and try to rebuild my life again piece by piece while parenting my rather demanding 4-y.o daughter mostly alone (well, not technically as ex-H sees her twice a week).  Pete walker's book is the most helpful book I possess.  I have learnt not to open it if I am not up to crying.  Since then I have learnt that PD is the extreme end of the sprectrum I am on and I do not need to further demonise the PD's in my life nor the parts of me that identify with some of their traits.  I have not, however, fully managed to do this yet.

My uNPD father was here last week visiting.  Two days later I am feeling such a deep self hatred despite knowing all i have learnt.  I was hoovered back in so completely that I am shocked at how little my knowledge helped.  The trigger was that he gave me money which i so desperately took for love that he was able to reel me in and proceed to systematically dismantle every little bit of self I had managed to build up between seeing him last.  I did have a lot of instances of standing my ground but on the whole, he won.  he got bigger.  i got smaller.  **** him.  hope he never comes again.  I would like to go NC but not there yet.  Am hoping he dies soon so that i can weave a fantasy around him and remember the "good" things.  hope that doesn't sound too horrible, sorry if it does.  Hate myself for accepting his money and bitching about him behind his back.  hate myself.  hate him.  hate everything right now.

sorry to sound negative.  truth is there is a lot to be grateful for.  just having a bad day, i think.  i must admit it helps to just be honest and write the words above but am hoping no one takes them too seriously.  my T gives me fortnightly appointments and I need more.   I need to vent.  I need to cry on someone's shoulder.  But there is no one.  I have never been so isolated in my life. (boo hoo!

overheard daughter tell ex-H that she didn't know if i loved her.  sword wounds in my heart.  worst fear i have is to be emotionally unavailable to her.  hope i course correct soon.

So, nice to meet you all on this day of flashback into the no-right-to-exist feelings. 

looking forward to reading how life is treating you too!  Thanks for letting me share, it really helps.

foggy, stormy and hopefully healing,

Chira (I am already attached to this pseudonym)