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  Me. for sure.

Intuitively I've known it for some time. Through deduction from conversations I've had with my mom, I verified it. Finally, last year my therapist confirmed that I had an attachment disorder...still do but much better today than ever. Intuitively, I know it was as an infant....I saw it when I watched my mother fumble through grandmother-hood with my daughter when she was infant. I had the most intense trigger to watching my mom coldly handle my daughter when she was about 6 weeks old. I can vividly remember my daughter acting colicky and my mom just laying her on her back and repeatedly plugging the pacifier in and out of her mouth with a disinterested expression on her face as my daughter lay screaming and staring at the ceiling. I remember this overpowering urge to swoop in and "save" my daughter (MYSELF) from my mother. At that point, I confirmed for myself that the trauma began at infancy. My mother has not one nurturing bone in her body.

My parents RARELY spoke about me positively. I was told that I was a "good baby" and my parents joked that once I started talking I "never shut up". Nice.

How did it impact me? Anxiety, depression, internalized self-hatred, low self-esteem, co-dependency, low expectations of myself, etc. etc. The only therapy that has led to significant improvement is attachment-based therapy.

Yes! I felt this way at first. But quickly learned that I only want to share with the most trustworthy individuals. I maybe told 3 people.

I'm so sorry you are feeling such pain. I don't know you but I wish I could wrap you up with the biggest hug. Just know there is someone out here who knows what you feel and believes your life is valuable. ❤

Hi there.

For those who have experienced sexual trauma in childhood, I'm wondering how your memories "came back" to you?

I'm in T for CPTSD related to significant childhood/adolescent emotional neglect from my parents. But I have one memory that is nagging at me and I'm wondering if it's something to look into...

I'll tell the story is sequence of how I remember it which basically is in reverse time.

Eight years ago, our extended family learned that my uncle/godfather was a child molester. (I'll spare the gruesome details of this reveal). Soon after hearing this news, I realized that for as long as I can recall whenever I heard others' retell of a sexual molestation/incest situation (like on a talk show or in a movie or something) I would flash to this image in my mind of laying with my cousin in her bed at night for sleep. The door is open and from the light pouring in from behind him I can see his silhouette leaning against her doorframe just staring at us. (My cousin is his granddaughter and lived with him, I visited all the time at that time when we were about 8 years old,btw). I never thought it was odd that I had that image associated with incest/child molestation but I also never really consciously thought about the image/memory either. So, until the news broke it had no meaning to me.

I don't know what to make of this. I try and try to remember that time but nothing comes to mind. If something did happen (wouldn't be a surprise...apparently he abused a lot of family members when they were around that age) wouldn't I have more memories of it? I was always a very intuitive person. So maybe I just knew it was odd/creepy and that's why I had the association?

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

Rosie, I feel sad for you. I imagine "love" felt very unsafe and conditional for you growing up. That's how your situation feels to me at least.

That's not normal and not what you deserve. I wish you had had what you deserved...to be openly loved without condition. ❤

I can relate very closely to you. I refer to my "dark house" as a void or hole. I read this is common in those who were emotionally neglected as children.

Sending you love and support. ❤

Hi everyone,

I just "woke up" to the fact that I came from a childhood rife with emotional neglect growing up in a very dysfunctional household with an addicted mother and very emotionally immature/enabling/Ntrait father. I started to unpack my trauma with my amazing therapist but have hit this wall the last couple weeks; I seem to keep slipping into the "it wasn't THAT bad" frame of mind. Because compared to what I read on here (physical abuse, overt emotional abuse, sexual abuse) it just wasn't. I think my mother was emotionally abused and my father had a very dysfunctional household growing up. I think they were two people who were just doing the best they could for their family. I don't think they intended to cause me harm.

All of this rationalization is preventing me from grieving what I lost though.

Any insight from someone who understands?

Thank you. <3

Yes. I feel this way sometimes. I've been in therapy on and off for 15 years. When I am not On an SSRI and life is stressful my PD traits surge...projection, negativity, emotional instability. I am my mother's daughter and was raised in an incredibly toxic household and undoubtedly learned unhealthy ways of seeing and being.

No, I've never been told I have a PD (I've asked many times) but have been told I have traits of BPD. Come to learn now that CPTSD is often missed to the overly diagnosed......you guessed it BPD.

We are survivors of long term trauma and our models we're dysfunctional. It will take time to learn new ways to think and be. Be compassionate to yourself. You'll heal and become healthier someday soon. <3

I noticed my memory taking a nose dive somewhere around 16-17 years old. With a young child, sleepless nights and juggling running a business/home life it's so bad to the point where I won't remember even major details of conversations I had yesterday. If I don't write it down I won't remember. I grew up in a mostly emotionally neglectful and sometimes abusive household. I never understood it to be the reason for this decline until now.

I see an art/talk therapist who uses mindfulness and comes from an attachment based perspective. After 15 years of "talk therapy" this approach is the only one that's gotten me anywhere. I suggest you try it! Look up attachment-based/focused therapy.

I think each therapist can implement in their own way (mine uses the modality of art and talk therapy) bu she comes from the stance that her clients have a ruptured attachment in early childhood. We discuss early childhood trauma and I grieve those losses. It's super validating.

Anyone else try this for their CPTSD? It's working so well for me and particularly appropriate because I have a young child so I want to ensure I don't repeat my attachment patterns ith get

What thoughtful suggestions. The second worked instantly...imagining my husband being ignored surged sadness right up into my throat. I have such difficulty accessing my emotions...this may do the trick! Thanks for sharing. Hope you have success with it too Cooper.

Hey Coop, I have two suggestions that might work, they did for me.  The first is to write back and forth with your Inner Child.  You use your writing hand to write as adult you, and then switch to the other hand to answer as young you.  When I first tried this with a T younger me had not really risen to the surface before then but she (I) did and let me know in short order how angry she(I) was.

The other is to imagine someone you like or love as a child and see them in your mind's eye going through the types of things you did  that led to you having CPTSD.  If you feel angry for that child don't be surprised, let it flow.  It's somehow easier to get angry for someone else than it is for ourselves - so many of us weren't allowed to be angry ever. It's a bit of a workaround to the anger but gets you there or at least it did me.

Hope one or both work for you!

I identify as a (mild) extrovert with social anxiety. I am a "people person" and take most pleasure in making someone else smile and feel good about themselves. I think I was always a people pleaser and took comfort in knowing I made others happy. It wasn't until recently that I started isolating myself from almost everyone. I'm not depressed but I do think I am isolating sort of as a reaction to coming to grips with my traumatic upbringing.

I get it. For me, it's been about finding the right person to open up to. I learned to only open my heart and share my story to those who will listen compassionately. I've learned to spot these people and label them as the "like what?" listener. When I make a statement about something---usually just being honest about where I'm at in my healing journey---instead of accepting my statement (ex., my mom has been really being X lately, so I have distanced myself) at face value they'll pry with "like what?", as though they need more examples to decide if my feeling is justified.

I'm not a "like what?" person and I am guessing many people on here aren't either. When you feel ready...we'll be here to openly listen.