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[(Trigger warning, TLDR at bottom of post)]

(Trigger warning, TLDR at bottom of post)

I have a simple question...

Why is it okay to treat people (or, specifically me) this way? 

Recently, my counselor just dropped me and my appointments. no phone call, no inquiry, not even a letter. I have been steadily getting worse and dealing with crippling bouts of depression more and more, despite medication and "treatment". He was aware I struggle with suicidal thoughts and bouts of panic that prevent me from leaving my room.  I called his scheduling agency to confirm after i discovered i hadn't been scheduled after missing an appt. due to such an episode. all me recurring appts. had been canceled.  Seems like not even my counselor could be bothered to try and contact me to see why i missed my session. It's not like he was out financially, Medicaid covers missed appointments up to a certain amount each year. Either I give up on treatment, or start all over. again. again again. *sigh*
Why is it okay to treat people so dismissively when they are trying to find help? when they have entrusted you, reached out to you, exposed and confided in you things they find extremely troubling and difficult to discuss?

Why is it okay to treat people this way?   

Before that, I was in a Treatment group home in another town. I was making good progress. I was almost ready to apply for my first job in over a year. I had a very helpful therapist, an AMAZING physical therapist doctor, and I felt like I was nearing the end of the storm. Then, the corporation in charge of the group home decided I was a threat to them because I started calling them out on violations of basic laws regarding housing (FHA) and their treatment of patients and their rights (DPHHS). I did call the licensing bureau whom told them they could not throw me out of the program for blow the whistle, so they instead decided to throw me out for not paying rent, which I was working on doing by getting ready to apply for a job, and they refused to offer me the same option of my peers in the house, who all had backpayment plans to cover months that they could not afford it. Up until my last month at the facility, i have not even one late payment. And the group home manager told me, to my face and in front of my case manager, "why don't you just grow up and get over yourself" in regards to my PTSD, as if I was a faker who had no place their. It destroyed me. It destroyed my ability to trust even those in charge of my care. It added to my PTSD, and now I am worse off than I was before I went their.  I have a pending case with the FHA over discrimination and retaliation over what happened, but it doesn't change the effects it had on me....

Why is it okay to treat people this way? 

Before that, I was in a Psych-ward in my hometown, twice; right when i got back from Romania in Sept of '16, and again in December of '16. Both times, they failed to perform inventory on my belongings when I was checked in for suicide. They would not provide counsel, would not make calls to find me outside treatment options, and held "classes" by CNAs who had no training in what they were teaching, and were often so assailed by questions from clients at the end that they could not answer and simply left or excused themselves and never came back. There was nothing to do but watch old VHS movies. They took all your stuff, and you had no access to the outside world but a phone attached to a wall that was constantly being used by all the clients and have a 5 minute limit. It was pitiful. In fact, in the first visit in September, the doctor in charge of my care told me "either shape up and check out, or you'll be sent to the state hospital. grab a phone book, call some counselors, and move on" I was so upset by her dismissive-ness that I faked being much better, checked out, and left. I spent the next 4 months on the floor of my apartment, alone, doing nothing and wasting my money on rent with no intent to go back to work, researching suicidal methods and techniques, trying to come up with a plan that I could go through with. I had a counselor, and i did see him twice a week, but it made little difference as I just couldn't seem to relate to him, and his answers and instructions seemed to dismiss and invalidate my experiences. I didn't have the gusto to search for a new counselor, and I still don't now. I have seen 17 different ones. only 2 have ever proved helpful. It's that same feeling you get when you are a telemarketer and keep getting nasty responses from those you call. some people can handle that level of intolerance. I simply have had my fill and do not want to expose myself any further. I'm tired of being let down or dealing with compassion fatigued staff. It's just not worth it. Their actions send a clear message: I'm not worth it, I'm wrong, and I am weak, stupid, and overly sensitive.

Why is it okay to treat people this way?   

Before that, I was overseas in Romania on a training mission with the national guard. I was only there for 60 ish days, not like a full blown tour or anything, but * freeze over if the events didn't leave me scarred and distraught after it was all said and done. To begin with, my National Guard unit has always, and I mean ALWAYS, since the first drill, treated me like crap. Every drill, verbal and minor sexual harassment, typical immature high school boy crap that I can't stand. That's the infantry for you. But over the months and years, it escalated to constant verbal assaults of my peers telling me to go kill myself. this happened every drill for the final year I was with the unit, solid. While in Romania, it was daily harassment and even got to physical confrontations once or twice. A squad leader, a staff sargeant, commanded his entire squad to not speak, look, or interact with me in any way. This is a direct violation of AR 620. nobody did anything. I even had my platoon sargeant tell me he wished i would go AWOL or kill myself. How am i supposed to take that? the people I am supposed to depend on in a fire fight, confrontation of deadly force, would rather i was dead. I never did understand what people meant when they said the army was like a brotherhood. I never was welcomed. Out of the entire company, there was only one sargeant I would follow into battle. He was the only one who made an effort to help me excel. I volunteered for every extra duty i could get onto. Advon, Trail party, all of it. I was given tasks that were supposed to be performed by an E-6 staff sargeant, and yet in my duties I never was given an award. I watched a medic get an award for putting a bandaid on a soldier who had already been treated by another medic. Awards in my unit were merely the upper echelon's way of manipulating and favoring those they wanted to ascend in the ranks, rather than being a way for an individual to advance on his own merits.
      While in Romania, I stayed for trail party, but unlike other extra duties I had signed up for, I would be under the command of those not from my unit, not even from my battalion. While under their command, I got the news that back home, my wife was cheating on me, I was going to be homeless when I got home, and my finances would be in ruin. While trying to process this, those serving on trail party with me rallied and supported me, took time to inquire and force me into conversation and spend off-time with me. I started to see something I had never seen before: a special brotherhood, a feeling of family like treatment only found by those who sign up for the armed forces. They loaned me funds to buy a replacement phone to contact back to the USA with. They made sure I went out on cultural trips during our down time. They kept conversation with me even though if it was forced, and the 7 or so soldiers who did so, I genuinely felt like they genuinely cared and were trying to do their little part. I was blown away at the difference it made. When I got home, I resolved to remove myself from my unit, whether authorized or not. Despite this, because of the divorce I experienced something I had never before in my life and all my depressions. I, without my own consent, punched a shipping container and nearly broke my wrist. I just did it. I couldn't believe i had, and had it been a mirror I'm sure it would have shattered. I was not in control, and I had plans dancing through my head to end my own life. I did not know what to do, so I reported myself to the commanding officer. guess what? they didn't know what to do either. go figure. They gave me 24 hrs off duty, and I sought out the on-base chaplain, who also did very little. I felt like I was the only one who found my impending divorce a huge and dramatic catastrophe, and I started to get the feeling that others thought i was blowing things out of proportion. I started to feel weak for letting something such as it bother and disturb me as much as it did and still does. I started discounting myself, and again withdrew. When I got home, my standard unit responded just as poorly. my commanding officer gave me the advice "just hit the gym, and f**k b**ches" which, if anything else, is at least a violation of army SHARP (http://www.sexualassault.army.mil/) policy, and very derogative of females. This advice was echoed by my platoon sargeant, to which I (in a nut shell) told him that with all due respect, shut the * up because you are part of the problem. I just didn't care anymore. kick me out. punish me. put me on trial for treason. whatever.
   Half way through the drill weekend is when I took myself to the hospital for suicide watch and wound up in the pitiful excuse for a psych ward that the local hospital here has.

Why is it okay to treat people this way? 

All of this, comes after years, and years, and YEARS of verbal harassment, physical and verbal bullying abuse, neglected in relationships and discounted feelings in my own family. all of this, comes AFTER so much other crap that would take a book the size of the bible to fully divulge, and I just can't handle it. all I get is disrespected, my problems minimized, my feelings and symptoms invalidated, and no one seems to take any actions unless they see a benefit in it for themselves (profit from billing medical, self gratification, etc.) and despite many attempts to seek helpful treatment, I am still left floundering in an ocean of pain. I hate mental health. Where I live things tend to be behind the bell curve of the rest of the US by about 5 years, including the depression of the early 2000s (as evidence). I hate treatment for mental health. the methods are stupid, almost primitive, and serve to put on a show that someone is helping you rather than actually help you. make it look good for business and the like. It's like drowning in the ocean, and a lifeboat comes up next to you, and someone reaches down and holds you up and keeps you from drowning. all good right? such a noble thing. But they never pull you into the boat. They just hold you there, in limbo, they won't let you die, but they won't help you out of the pain. I'm sick of it being prolonged. Either help me UP or let me go. let me cut you and repetitively peel the scab off and re-cut you for a decade or so and see how you feel about it...

WHY IS IT OKAY TO TREAT PEOPLE THIS WAY!  ... ....

TLDR

I have had an exorbitant amount of neglect, bullying, and abandonment in my life. All through school, starting in Kindergarten and continuing to this day. I have suffered verbal abuse by coworkers at various degrees at 12 of my 15 jobs that I have held. At 10 of those 12, I also suffered physical violence in one form or another. In my treatment, I have had exasperated therapists, compassion fatigued doctors and nurses, and family not interested in my treatment (until recently, and only then just one member) either because its easier to ignore, or helping me get better doesn't serve their selfish personalities (especially my mother). Nearly all of my ex girlfriends cheated on me at one point in time, and I still tried to stay with them, and my ex-wife did as well, while I was overseas for a training mission in Romania. That was a year and a half ago, and I still have not healed from that separation. I am still not over her. I have been used, abused, neglected, discarded, assaulted, and shutdown by those in my life I should have been able to trust. Bosses, parents, teachers, counselors, etc. I see others receive fair treatment, but then i step up looking for the same, and for some unknown reason, they can't be bothered. I have considered the possibility I am stuck in a virtual world designed to drive me to insanity because it is so consistent, but that would be preposterous, right?

I have been told plenty of times that it isn't right, the things that have happened to me. That no one should be treated such ways. But time and time again i find myself being treated just so. I am TOLD it is wrong, but I SEE that it seems to be the unanimous verdict. I SEE that such things are approved, for my assailants are almost never held accountable, and those that are get little more than a soft scolding. as if what they did to me was as simple as spitting in my general direction.

I have been diagnosed with MDD, General Anxiety, PTSD (from bullying, neglect and abandonment), and Autism spectrum disorder level 1 (what used to be known as Aspergers) which, when coupled with my PTSD, acts as a catalyst to make me easily triggered and really hard to come down from hyper awareness and vigilance. I am easy to jump scare, and very ill adapted to social group dynamics. I rarely have success socially in groups larger than three (two plus me). All of these Diagnoses came after 5 years in my national guard unit. (None of it was diagnosed before I joined. Not to say some of it wasn't already there, I just don't want people thinking I joined and somehow covered any of this stuff up to get in.)

I see myself as a good person. I'm not perfect, I have my vices. I don't do drugs, I rarely drink, I do not get physically violence as the thought of fighting worries me as I value my hands for playing games and other activities. I always pull over and offer help to people on the side of the highway. I lend out a helping hand most times when I see someone in a need. a door held open, carrying groceries or other items for someone who is overburdened. Giving directions to places around town or advice on electronics to other customers as I tend to follow the tech world quite closely. My work performance, other than social situations, is highly productive and I am often sought after by my customers for repeat services.  My friends have often sought me out for advice and counsel in tough times or tricky decisions and have valued my input, but recently, It seems I have discovered they lack loyalty and trustworthiness.  In short, I try my best to uphold many admirable qualities, such as chivalry, loyalty, honesty, integrity, helping others in need. Now I am in need. and I am feeling alone and discarded, like a used up water bottle. I am empty, and so I am being discarded into the trash.

I ask you again, Why is it okay to treat me this way? though at this point, I highly doubt being TOLD will have any affect piercing the walls of my PTSD i am being trapped behind. I feel as if I have no choice in this matter than to let it consume me with these walls. No other defense seems to have any effect.

Why is it okay to treat people in such a way??     ... ...  ... ...

I tell you my answer, its simple. the society in the USA is a game. but its not a simple one. There are hundreds of thousands of rules (laws) and authorities (police, senators, military, bosses, HR, activist groups, etc.) and it takes an insane amount of devotion to follow all of it and get through unscathed. even faltering a bit here and there is okay, you will still get out on the other side, but that is all a show. Put on a show. show that you care. show that you are nice, show that you are talented, creative, funny, etc. All a show. the REAL game in America is to have it dawn on you that you aren't supposed to follow the rules. You're not. the only rule of the game in America? Don't. Get. Caught. if you can get away with it, do it, and if you can take advantage of someone with out being exposed, then do it, and you will become the victor and join those at the top. It's sick, disgusting, and I absolutely no longer want any part of it and refuse to participate.

go ahead, explain to me why I am wrong. be the one who TOLD me. I still SEE what I see, and its disgusting.       

Get some voactional rehab, or maybe apply for SSI. look for anything to help you walk further down the path. Vocational rehab or an apprenticeship, career analysis from a job service, you'll find something. you listed 3-5 job options. There are hundreds of thousands of different jobs out there, The odds of one of them not working for you are stacked against you. just needs some foot work to find it. treat it like a scavenger hunt

I would say the most difficult part of it all, was that in the space of 2 months, I went from happily married with friends i liked and felt i could depend on and healing the relationship with my parents, to Being told by my mother to finish the job and having dad decide to stay out of it, My friends walking out on me, my wife leaving not only once, but also a second time after she decided to use counseling to extend her welcome in my apartment to get the rest of her things. all at once.

The other difficult part is that I lost everything I had worked for in my life. a home, a circle of support, a loving partner, family, even felt like the National Guard was a consistent, albeit very part time, career. I felt like and still do feel like I wasted 10 years, and now I am in that same place after high school, but with ten less years to accomplish my goals in life. This is the part that generates the hopelessness. If i rebuild it again, who's to say it wont collapse fully then? I suffered many smaller collapses in my life before the big fall, and I just can't take the cycle anymore.

I don't know if it's the medicines i am on, the new surroundings I am in, or what- but I am seriously struggling to bring memories to concious thought and remember the WHY behind my Social fears and CPTSD. i know the generally, vague version of it: Bullying, harassment, abandonment, but the specifics I cannot gather. I want to dig through old memories, I want to investigate times past, and validate them, validate myself, and confirm and validate my trauma, and take a new perspective on those events, but my mind just blanks. Then i become tired and disinterested in most anything but food and Netflix. I can be upset on the inside, but can't stop a slight smile on my face, and that bothers me. those two actions do not line up. Any thoughts anyone?

That's what we are here for Dee *bows* anytime . you get stuck, come back calling and we'll bring the lever to get you out the rut.

I knew I was ineligible for VA benefits, but Tricare was ignorant of Nation Guard benefits and insisted on fighting with a VA facility to let me in for over a month. After they discovered I am not eligible, they jsut gave up and told me it wasn't going to happen. Montana Medicaid was the same, they gave up on me. But i knew something had to be out there.

I took it one road block at a time. How can I afford it? okay, tackled that, now where? K, found a place, so when will this happen? okay, the when is set, now what do i do until then?

don't look at it like one big problem. pick one question, and put the rest in a locked up chest and ignore them until you have answered one question and you are ready to tackle another.

5 months, it sucked, but now i know it was worth it.

My Motorcycleing and hiking Hobbies felt the same - jsut too much effort to get into them anymore. its not the doing them that should help you push forward, its that this is like a broken leg event when it comes to the things that brought you happiness.

Like a football player with a broken leg, he can;t play football anymore, and must wait until he gets better. But he doesn't give up. the thought of getting back into what made him happy, football, will be waiting for him in the future. You have rough times ahead, I am sure, but let your art be the light at the end of the world. Very similar to this, it is important to also remember to do these things for yourself, regardless of the income it generates or not. As Jimmy Buffet said "I gotta make my music for Money- No, I want to make my music for ME."

Stay sparked. Best Wishes.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I found that light. How long did it take?

5 months.

I got tossed around by my army unit, my insurance, my therapist, two psych ward visits and suicide attempts, my family and friends bailed on me, my mother even told my I should have just finished the deed. They were dark times.

But I kept advocating for myself. This is a must. Part of my CPTSD is not being able to trust others to take care of me. This worked in my favor. It was only through my research that I found an answer. Not the doctor, therapist, or insurance company. I found a place called Winds of Change and though it was a 6 hour bus ride from my hometown, I packed up, got on the bus, and got into their program. Funnily enough, they specialize in eating disorders, depression, and PTSD (because my state doesn't officially recognize CPTSD)

Along the way I discovered that if someone was going to tell me NO, that that wasn't good enough, so I told them as much and asked for referrals to other people who might give me a useful answer or help me find one. I was pointed to Medicaid and discovered I actually do qualify for it, and that it could pay for my treatment.

It was a. Long and dark trip, but things are so much better now. If I can survive the rough seas as fragile as I was, I have faith that you can too. Self advocate, don't settle for less than you need, and give yourself a hug because you are worth it and you are the only one who's opinion on your worth matters.

I firmly believe that you cannot heal on treatment alone.

What do you have to look forward to in life? Do you yearn to see exquisite views? To travel to far off places? Maybe you like building things anywhere from legos to treehouses. Life is meant to be lives, not mourned.

Myself, I was bitten by the adventure motorcycling idea. Motorcycles capable of both highway and dirt trails, to see the unseen and explore the unfound. It took me two years into that that the motorcycle never quite got me to my finish lines, but it got me close. So I added hiking and bushcrafting (self sufficient woodsman skills, think shelter building and fire building techniques). So what sparks you?

Model trains? Remote control cars? Crafts like crochet or weaving, or maybe art? Some people,video games are enough,but you must find something desirable that makes facing each day worth it.

I also hit upon an epitome for CPTSD, but this gal explains it better: https://youtu.be/yk6Atmbp6p0

Does that help?

the self awareness and ability to articulate stem from the hyper-vigilance with the bullying, its actually a positive side effect. definitely being out of my home town has helped tremendously. anyone near Montana- I highly recommend Winds of Change (Montana Wellness Inc., Aleph).

***Trigger Warning***

Hello, and thank you to those who helped me in the Having a Difficult Day forum

Call me Ivan,
   I grew up being bullied heavily right off the bat from Kindergarten to the present, a target on my back my whole life. My parents chalked most of it up to kids being kids, and the rest they just didn't seem to have energy to deal with. I feel as though I have almost always been left to fend for myself.
Family life wasn't much better. I had a twin sister who apparently is really attractive to most guys, I just see her as a demon-*. She was always acting out more than I, much more willing to do what it takes to get her way. I found out she would tell boys in school who were annoying her that if they picked on me it would impress her. My mother has been fixated on money more so than family for most of my life. The only fight in high school I fought back in, when I got home with a cut and couple small bruises, the first thing she asked me was if we were going to be sued.
After school, even though the bullying persisted, I started to seperate inside. After a few years, I went to college and decided there and then, enough of being quiet. No more getting walked on by people, I would be outspoken and not care what those around me thought. For 10 years, this strategy worked. It was an improvement for sure, but would turn to bite me in the end.

I didn't realize then how much I hated and resented my life. I blamed my past, and in doing so I blamed myself. Adult me split from little me that day. It would be ten years before I realized what I had done.

Several failed serious relationships that were ended by my partners cheating on me, and a marriage gone the same way while I was overseas training in the National Guard, the bullying hadn't changed or gone away, and my strength was caving. News of my wife cheating on me sealed the collapse, and I wound up in the hospital twice for suicide attempt/thoughts.

Thanks to my brother, I decided to try one more time at life. I decided if I started to repeat the cycle of poor relationship choices and bullying stayed the same I would have my evidence that the cycle never was going to break and I could attempt again. Just today though, I was sparked to have a major epiphany.

I abandoned myself.

When I split from myself at the beginning of college, I turned on my inner child, despised him for being weak and picked on; For not fighting back and winning. I blamed myself for being weak and succumbing to being a victim.
In a day dream moment at the exact same time I had this realization, I saw my inner child, a 10 year old version of me, surrounded by shades of memories past, trappdd behind the incidents that scarred me so deeply. He looked at me and I knew what he said though I didn't hear him.

"Why did you leave me? Why didn't you help me? What did I do wrong?"

This realization made me shiver.
This is my C-PTSD. Abandonment.

It's why I over react when someone doesnt text me for long periods of time, why I have such little tolerance for people being brash in public. Why I became so easy to anger. Almost all my actions could be derived from emotions from abandonment: fear, anger, resentment, hopelessness, lonliness, hyper vigilance.

So now I know where to start. Wish me luck on my journey to recovery, and rescuing my inner child. See you on the forums, folks.