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First things first, I would like to say- you are allowed to your boundaries. Having them does not make you cruel. If someone trespasses them, they don't get to tell you they didn't. You have a right to your hurt, and he can't tell you any different. Something my therapist and I have been discussing is your internal hoola hoop. There are things inside of us that no one ever touches, things that are sacred to us, but often times people, especially those who contribute to our inner turmoil and abuse, have a habit of trying to force their way into your hoola hoop. You can't hoola hoop with two people in the middle, unless you're mega talented and coordinated

I hear you, and sympathize, my mother had intermittent bouts of anger, one episode of rage could wipe out a year of goodness; we have since learned this is because she also suffers from PTSD from an event we were both present for, but it's your parent, you want to believe they mean it when they apologize. That's what makes it so hard, I think. The best apology someone can make is acknowledging their behavior and trying their best to change it. I can't tell you what to do, no one can. However I can tell you, its okay to feel whatever your feeling, and no feeling is permanent.
Best of Luck.

 I'm so happy to hear you've had a breakthrough.
Understanding what's going on is such a wonderful feeling, and it makes me ecstatic to hear the relief you've found.

This post is a revelation for me.
I, too, suffer from this wonderful affliction. Until my diagnosis I thought it was a part of having A.D.D. The way I explained it to my doctor was, It's like playing put-put golf. You come across the hole that leads down to three other holes, you can shoot and hopefully get a hole-in-one or the ball could go down one of the other two pipes and the ball goes off in left field. The same works with processing information. Sometimes the information is processed perfectly, the brain finds the right passageway and I'm able to score an informational hole-in-one. The other times It's like the information goes down the wrong pipe and gets lost. Then I start to panic. It's like, the word is there, but in hieroglyphics. My system will flood with adrenaline and It's like, "Oh geeze, I'm going to sound so moronic. WHY CAN'T I FIND THE WORD?"

What usually works for me is laughing. Sounds odd, right? Each person is different, but I have always tried using humor to cover up how much I'm suffering inside. My therapist always knows when we reach a very touchy subject because I start joking. I'm lucky in the way that I work with people who find humor in my quirks (I'm a caregiver during the day and work in a photo lab at night.)  So what I do is ignore the embarrassment that is slowly taking its grip and say "Sorry, I'm such a ditz and can't seem to remember my basic language skills at the moment. My brain has decided to step out." and just start laughing. For some reason this works. I don't understand the neurobiology behind this, but laughing restarts my system in a way. Perhaps you could give it a shot?

In any case, thank you so much for posting this. I never thought C-PTSD could be the cause. I hope you can find a way to overcome this thats suited for you, and if you find a magic cure all, could you please forward that to me? 

Hello and welcome! I'm new here as well.

Hello RBShard, I have to agree with the others in this post. It sounds like an emotional flashback, and I can empathize with that. I had one over the weekend. They're never fun, and you never know how long they will last. Sometimes it feels like the rage and sadness seeps into your marrow and you have no where else to put it. Like it outweighs your own blood cells. It's a terrible feeling. However, being here, talking with people who are going through similar things.... is a step in the right direction. I agree with Boatsetsailrose, be gentle to yourself, and you are not alone.

Hello everyone, sorry it's been a while. I'm just now getting access to internet.

Inky: I'm glad to hear that someone else enjoys canceling plans. I think a lot of it has to do with control. We didn't have much control over the things that have happened to us so we exercise what little control we have in day to day situations. My biggest thing growing up was food. I weighed 89 pounds until I turned eighteen and met the man who would become my future husband. Now I've noticed its bled into canceling plans.  Like for example, over the weekend I was supposed to have an Anime date with a group of friends. We planned to cook Korean food, drink marble sodas, paint toe nails, watch a new Anime series- the whole nine. However when my best friend found out about this, she became extremely upset with me, even though we work together and I see her three days a week. Now, I know the logical step would have been to explain that I love her and the fact that I didn't think to invite her wasn't a reflection of my feelings for her, I just didn't think she would enjoy watching Anime or the people who were coming over. Instead I had an emotional flashback which spiraled out of control. I had to go out to my car and decompress. I had to fight my self destructive behavior because I was at work. I ended up canceling the Anime date, which we had planned for a month in advanced, and spend most of the night making it up to my best friend. I spent the rest of the weekend laying in bed not doing anything but reading books and listening to overly depressing music to cancel out the guilt I felt for making my best friend feel like she wasn't important. I hope to hear more from you, I look forward to our future conversations.

Rebel62: We have similar back stories, Although i hate to hear that anyone has seen the human capacity for depravity, especially in those who are supposed to be biologically programmed to protect us, I am glad to have someone here who understands on a psychological level what that feels like. I hope to become good friends in the future. 

Three Roses: I see you are very active on the site, always extending a warm welcome, or a helping hand, Thank you for such a warm welcome, and I hope to hear from you soon as well.

Willowlater: I also struggle with paranoia. I think this is due to low self worth. I think when people have seen the atrocities we have lived through, especially at such young ages it begins to warp your sense of self worth. It's almost easier to believe that people are talking terribly about you or that they don't really want you around because you've been at the receiving end of this treatment. To people like us, the thought of people not wanting us around is easier to swallow than the chance that they actually do. This is something that I've struggled with, and you said that so well that it really resonated with me. I hope to hear from you more.

Thank you everyone for being so supportive and wonderful.

I don't really know how to do one of these things, or even if I should. I usually commit to things and then find them overwhelming or make up excuses to get out of participating. There's really no other stress reliever in the word as therapeutic to me as canceling plans, but that's not healthy so I'm trying. I hope to use this in conjunction with EMDR therapy I'm currently undergoing for C-PTSD. After years of learned helplessness and hypervigilance, of shame and terrible self worth; years of seeing therapists that stuck me with labels such as  A.D.D, O.C.D, depression, and anxiety, I finally have an answer. I began seeking help at the behest of my husband and best friends. My anxiety and depression, which I thought I had control of, had boiled over, causing a fog that would not lift. I thought I was handling it fine. But that's what C-PTSD does, it's a beautiful liar. It uses your past against you and tells you this is all you deserve, this is all you will get. Right now I'm feeling like i have the upper hand, which most of you know doesn't happen very often. So, where to start, I don't have a healthy understanding of boundaries, of how much I should share, or which words I should hold in, but I've read a few entries so here it is.
When I was four years old, My Father, who has Bipolar disorder, attempted to kill my mother and myself. This is my first memory. It set the platform for our entire tumultuous relationship. There are many more incidences, but that is the main one.
This has caused a ripple effect well into my adulthood. Twenty one years later, and I'm just scraping the tip of the iceberg behind all of this. I didn't realize how this contributes to my self isolation, my hostility, my fear of causing any person harm to the point that i will almost always make myself uncomfortable before hurting anyone's feelings, and self fulfilled prophecies. I can handle some situations like a well adjusted adult, while other things cause me to either freeze or I will act like a six year old, there's no in-between. I'm nearly always on high alert, I'm terrified of the dark, and sometimes things make me so angry I can feel it in my marrow. However, right now, finally taking some steps to overcome this psychological injury, I feel pretty close to okay. Even if I'm panicking a little before going into work. I'm happy to have found others who understand, a tribe that is there for one another. Because while today, i may be okay, I never know about tomorrow. None of us do. Knowing this is here, is pretty fantastic.



Also, i may not reply quickly because when I go home tonight, I wont have access to wifi, but feel more than welcome to send me an Email.