Messages

I think what I didn't make clear is that it wasn't just in my head but in my heart also. That is, how I was feeling when I was thinking about this deep core wound. I think head and heart collided and merged in the moment when I realized and felt I was not the bad person my parents and I myself had been telling me I was.

Whatever works best for you though of course!    

Oh ok I see what you mean. My heart hasn't had that epiphany yet unfortunately...

Hey BB, what helped me and I think I've posted about it and talked about it in the Zoom groups is that I kept asking myself the question "Am I that bad?" for a period and one day I had an epiphany, almost a bolt of lighting that "No, I am actually a good person, decent, kind, honest, etc" because when I asked the question I would then compare myself to my abusers, the abusers I read about on this forum and in the news and I was nowhere near that. I had value and worth despite or maybe because of my abuse.

I think of you as a really decent person (e.g., look at all the time and effort you've put into helping me with this forum over the years  ), and how you try to learn and make every effort to recover. You don't see any of our abusers here making that kind of effort that's for sure.   

Anyway, I just had that wonderful, freeing thought one day that it's ridiculous (and sad) that I or any of us should feel less than, bad, etc. Challenging those kind of thoughts was a great strategy for getting rid of them.

Hope this is helpful!

Thank you so much Kizzie!
Unfortunately that's a little too head-based to get thru to me at certain times.

I've kind of answered my own question just this week. I ended up doing pretty deep stuff on what I'd see as a core wound with my OT. Inner Child work + somatic stuff I was aware of.

So it's probably not so much the method as how much I'm able to work on a core wound. I know I said during the work that I'd been there before just not at such a deep level.

  Sounds like big realisations Bach. And in my experience, progress/growth follows such realisations.

Thank you for your support, NK, san and Kizzie.

No, Kizzie, I don't know really why tricho came up so badly last week. It's tricky. It has mutually opposing reasons to exist, e.g. I can do it as a calming measure but also as a measure to jump start myself into doing something, especially if I'm a bit dissociated. Plus there are many many situations in which I may start doing it. I've journalled on it before and anything and everything can set me off. It often takes me a while to figure out that I'm even doing it.

When I use other addictive behaviour or different 'methods' of getting out of dodge, there's a much narrower 'selection' of triggers to each behaviour or method. But tricho  -anything and everything.

Seconding Armee!

These days I tend to ask a new T if they know everything/ have all the answers. If they say something like "I don't know your history, I have to ask about that." End of. This T is not for me! I need them to answer something along the lines of: they help me, support me guide me, but the answers are in me, we discover them together.

1) The sun shone in the window today, unexpected

3) I enjoyed leaning back looking at my zebras from art therapy stuck up on a sort of rounded attic wall I have. I love them being there, all colourful stripes and even tartan-like patterns.

1 + 3 ditto

2) I've come back to bed now twice this morning. I'm back with radical acceptance - despite all the other things I had planned for today and thought I could do, I plainly can't as yet. Maybe later. That's OK.

Hi chocolatemoose

A warm welcome to the forum!

I know I owe a few replies on the forum, mostly on my Parts Therapy thread and my Therapy on Primal Wound thread. In fact, I even want to respond, but I think I'm likely to put them off till next week.

Ditto
Except on my Mbr Journal and Primal Wound, not to mention wanting to respond on others' threads and not doing so, tho sometimes that's easier than writing on my own threads.

So writing this so you all know. Plus irl I owe lots of correspondence and/or phone calls too.  Not doing so feels like cutting people off, including cutting self off. And probably people think I'm ghosting them tho a lot less on here obviously.

This evening is fortunately zoom group where I can feel support of course, as in "goes without saying".

[I still remember how I wanted to get better because who wants to be sick? but also did not want to get better because it meant going back to my regular life.]

That formative week.  Staying in my room when the family was home so as not to infect them, bringing my quilt out to the living room to lie on the couch under it and watch cartoons and game shows during the day when they were all out of the house.  Feeling safe because I didn't have to deal with the world either in my home or outside of it.  I still remember how I wanted to get better because who wants to be sick? but also did not want to get better because it meant going back to my regular life.  I'm afraid I kind of still feel that way.

BBM

I definitely felt that way sometimes as a child/teen.

I still do off-and-on, with the subtle difference being there's no 'regular life' to go back to IMHO. There are fewer and less deep EFs than there used to be, but there are still EFs throwing me into despair or confusion or... There are struggles and ups and downs which are more frequent than what people w/o cptsd or other long-term health problems suffer. I know that sounds pretty negative and there are probably times when I wouldn't write that, but sometimes the best I can do is go back to bed where it's warm and not deal with real life.

Sitting with you Bach.

1) The sun shone in the window today, unexpected

2) Yesterday I put up one of my little glass prisms in the window and today there were little rainbows in unexpected places

3) I enjoyed leaning back looking at my zebras from art therapy stuck up on a sort of rounded attic wall I have. I love them being there, all colourful stripes and even tartan-like patterns.

Unfortunately, I'm VERY inactive and constantly going back to bed to doze and read. Or roam around the Internet half the night. Have taken zero of the steps I was imagining doing. Trying to be gentle with myself, or at least not criticise too much. Constant SH is hard to stop atm.

Ditto in the last little while. I'm especially fiddling with my eyelashes and pulling them out so much that my eyes are sore.

This type of self-harm is called trichotillomania and is definitely different from other types of "I'm harming myself by doing... / not doing..." e.g. it's harmful for me to not take my meds but it's just not the same as tricho, which even has its own ICD-10 number.

  for your major breakthrough Bach!

Sitting with you Bach. At least you recognise you're in an EF.

I'm sorry about all that additional stuff like broken boiler, kitchen sink overflow... and difficult low-paying work.

   NK! These crazy people like your M, crazy-making too. I hope it's helped you to vent some on here. Your M really makes it all about her. 

  Joining you but just to enjoy the sun and the warmth and the greenery. No planting work today.