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Nothing feels worth it atm. Shows how fast things can change. otoh they could change in the other direction too, to feeling worth it again.

acknowledging your own process and allowing it to unfold as it does for you,

Not too much of this going on atm. Mind you, LL asked if I spend all my time online when I'm up in my flat, to which I said simply "No." but didn't add 'none of your business', however there are days when I spend hours online, of which OOTS is probably the most useful. Or maybe another small forum or two where I look at animals and play word games and 'know' some of the others, the way we do here even before Zoom meets and book project etc etc started.

Anyway when people in my environs start querying what I do all day and not having a clue but pretending they do, that tends to trigger me into shutdown/give up. Go back to bed, doze, sleep, read. At least no nightmares today, in fact generally no nightmares for a while. Something to be thankful for!

I used to have those, never knew they were part of alexithymia. I often got them when I was in somebody else's family, like on a visit, where things were seemingly good, at least where I was definitely emotionally safer than in my own FOO. I don't seem to get them any more, tho I didn't work on them disappearing, they just did.

1) It was satisfying    the dust bunnies - the way they all got sucked up and disappeared
2) It was good I got up at all today
3) Looking at a postcard near my computer - green, hilly country interspersed with trees and houses

Go Blue Sky!    

Welcome back, Cascade!

I'm sorry too PapaCoco

Hello DDD,

Welcome to the forum! I don't see anything inappropriate in your post. This is a good supportive forum tho unfortunately rn I don't feel able to give much support. Just 

Welcome to the forum, Bean

Thanks rainydiary, SenseOrgan and Hope!   

I've been mostly on my Mbr Journal so that's why I haven't responded before, sorry.

Re-reading my posts now from back in November, I can see and feel lots of progress

Partially it really just seems that I need time and I need to give myself time for things to evolve, which they are doing. Some news I have received in the last days has been hard, emotionally, but if I lose the will to get up in the morning and the will to do any self-care whatsoever, then it's just brief. Nothing like the length or depth of depression and give-up in November. Really good for me to note. I don't even have therapy atm and partially I think that's good because this seems to be a process that's coming on its own and with which I don't need help. Some of the FOO (and other) stuff I'm dealing with atm would've thrown me for a total loop in Nov./Dec. but now I can deal with it emotionally, don't feel I need help from a T. Maybe next time I'm in inpatient or outpatient therapy, I can get on with some healing from CSA or whatever trauma is behind my eating disorder, rather than ending up with me being triggered by other patients, when inpatient that is. Or having a therapist being too cognitive with me if outpatient.

Today, I was a bit slow getting going, getting up, but I did before noon and made it into the town centre for some singing and for the farmer's market, which I don't always on a Saturday. It's good when I do though because I always see people I know in the town centre, even if just to say 'hello' to - it helps.

The sun is coming out again    so I guess I'll go down into the garden and do a bit of work. That does me good too and appeases landlord, who's being a bit pedantic atm. Such is life.

And yes! Of course it's worth it!!

1) Long lie-in this morning
2) Went to a drop-in half hour sing-along this morning, which was fun
3) Being in the warm sun while out and about
4) Had a nice chat with a friend after the sing-along

1) After a couple hours lying down in collapse/shutdown, I got up again
2) I'm focussing on the loving memories between me and an elderly friend, rather than on anything her adult children are saying and I'm cherishing the last lovely and surprisingly clear phone call I had with her about 5 months ago
3) I opened my attic windows to air the place - the outside air is warmer than inside atm - and I have managed a little housework

  

And just because possibly nobody responded to your posts yesterday doesn't mean they weren't seen or read or that somehow they were 'bad' or 'wrong'. I read at least one, but I didn't have the wherewithal to respond because there's a lot going on in me atm too and that is guaranteed to be the case for others on the forum too.

I don't have advice but I do have a lot of compassion because my inner children used to be absolutely terrified of that punishment too - I often dissociated in various situations as a young adult and didn't even know why. My Inner Children are still frightened, but no longer terrified.

It sounds as if you've been handling the situation really well in the ways you've been showing your Inner Child care, explaining, comforting and reassuring. Your wording with "it's baked into her" is very apt and unfortunately shows how deeply, deeply we remain affected by what traumatised us as children. I still have a visceral reaction, even when just mentioning the topic. Don't worry, I can choose whether to respond to a post like yours, or not, and possibly I haven't responded earlier as self-protection or maybe I didn't see your post, I can't remember. Point is: don't feel guilty, please. None of it is your fault.

The only other thing I can say is: it does get better. It takes time, most unfortunately, but you can get less reactive, I have for instance.

I wonder how you are doing now? Are you well again physically at least? Have you taken the exam already? I hope you and your Inner Child are feeling a bit or a lot better emotionally too. 

Yesterday at the farm, I lay on my back to let my toe ointment soak in and while I was about it, I did a few leg and hip exercises. Not much, but better than nothing!

Today I cycled about 10 km, except I pushed my bike up the longest, steepest hill on the route.

This afternoon I did some gardening, including raking up leaves from the autumn. That's similar arm, shoulder, back movement to sweeping the yard, which I did yesterday at the farm. Today it was easier.

For many others on this forum, I'm sure that what I wrote won't count as exercise, but it is!

1. I was able to get out of bed easily this morning
2. It was sunny and so I decided to cycle to my occup. therapy appt
3. I've been doing a couple of hours of garden (N. Am. 'yard') work. It feels good to be back doing some easy garden work, even tho I'm still limping a bit, I managed.