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Frustrated, my ex was about 95% or more kind to me before we got married.  The ratio slowly reversed over decades.  I am divorced only about a year and have decided I am not ready for dating at this point, but I've been thinking a lot about what I want/need in a partner. In discussion with my T, I've decided I would need to be with someone especially gentle and caring. Not a perfect person, but someone who will try to understand, who won't deny my feelings, who will try not to trigger me, and will apologize readily if he does. This was one thing that might have been a red flag for me regarding my ex--those 5% times when he said something hurtful, he never gave a sincere apology, only a sarcastic one, or he blamed me for making him angry. Anyway, sometimes I find it hard to feel that I deserve to be with the kind of person I described earlier, but I know I am better off alone than settling for someone who can't be pretty consistently supportive. Something to think about. Wishing you all the best.

Hi Beth. I'm glad my post helped you and sorry not to have replied earlier.  There's a lot going on right now and I didn't have time to check back in.
You are brave to have come this far. It's not easy to start over at this age, but I'm finding there are rewards.  May we all keep healing together.

Hello. Although I didn't know the term CPTSD, I knew I had issues that contributed to my being trapped in nearly three decades of an abusive marriage. I put them on the back burner so I could get through the stressful process of the divorce. It is a tough spot to be in and sometimes you can only handle so much at once. I can't tell you what to do. One thing that helps me is working with a good therapist. I found Pete Walker's book very helpful, too.

Healing Finally, I'm getting all weepy reading your reply. In a good way, of course!  I am crying a lot more this year than I ever have, but it usually makes me feel better afterwards. Hugs back to you (I need to learn how to use all these emoticons!) and sympathies on the flashbacks. I still get them a lot but seem to be avoiding some and working through others.  That was where my therapist helped me learn about CPTSD, she recognized that what I was experiencing was similar to PTSD flashbacks and that it was related to my childhood, which led me to further reading. Anyway, here goes     I wish you all good things and hope we can keep healing together.

Lostsoul, I go every 2 weeks most of the time, but if there's a lot going on or I'm struggling for any reason I go weekly. Wishing you the best.   

Thanks for the kind welcome Candid!
Thank you, too, Kizzie, and I am so sorry you have gone through this too.  I keep telling myself that late is so much better than never, though. 
Regarding my therapist, she didn't know about CPTSD by that name. I found out about it by going from OOTF to OOTS, then read Pete Walker's book and shared with her. She is interested to learn more, but she already has a good understanding about how narcissism and other personality disorders can affect families and couples, and she has a very empathic, comforting manner. Still, it has helped me to have a name for this and read others' stories. I was feeling a bit like a freak reading advice about recovering from abusive marriages that said I'd eventually be back to my "old self"--because I don't have a healthy "old self" to go back to. This is more like a rebirth.

Hello.

I'm in my mid-fifties, but only recently learned that I am dealing with CPTSD. It's taken me a long time to understand my symptoms, because I've never suffered physical abuse. I now believe that my depression, anxiety, and shaky sense of self-worth are due to emotional abuse and abandonment.

My parents had a very rigid set of expectations for me, which I couldn't meet despite trying very hard. Once I moved out, I married a man with Narcissistic Personality Disorder who at first appeared to love me for who I was. Over the years, he became increasingly controlling and I was never good enough for him, either. We had two children. At first, he seemed to be an excellent father, but as they got older, he began to subtly abuse them as well, especially the older one.

My children were approaching college age when I finally realized how bad things had gotten. The oldest and I were deeply depressed and struggling to function; the younger was getting spoiled due to being my ex's favorite. His toxic behaviors became more overt and I realized that despite his image as a great family man, he'd never loved any of us. I also realized he was sabotaging my efforts to be a good mother and help our children grow to be happy, productive adults.

After a few years' painful struggle, I divorced him. He moved out about 10 months ago and my children and I have been healing and making progress moving forward. We're working with an excellent therapist who guided me to learn about CPTSD. With her help, I realized that both my depression and my fear that I am somehow fundamentally unlovable started in childhood.

I'm grieving the lost years, but grateful for a good therapist and for the ability to feel again. Fear and sadness sometimes overwhelm me, but I'm also happy sometimes, in a way I haven't felt since early childhood. 

I'm also grateful to have found this community, because I have found that it is difficult to discuss any of this with anyone but my therapist. I hope to be a supportive member, though I'm also sometimes overwhelmed with the practical challenges of getting three lives back on track.