Messages

Thanks Blueberry!

I've been thinking a lot about the old beliefs and values nowadays.
Right now it seems so silly to me that we think that we are in control, all we can really do is nudge things in the directions we want to go and hope it works out.
I can drive a car perfectly but someone else might mess up and kill me, I'll never know for sure what might happen.

Thinking like this is helpful to me now, it opens up for doing things without being able to imagine the outcome.
Usually my imagined outcome might prevent me from doing something but now I try and see every activity as something positive in it's own way no matter what it leads to.


I know that there are 12-step programs for spiritual abuse as well but not where I live, although I have met another person through the program who is also immersed in spiritually abusing himself.
I am thinking that I'll try and keep an open mind and let any spirituality come to me naturally if I am ready.

(See how I am letting go of control? It is SO relaxing to not feel responsible for everything. Wish I knew this years ago). 

Thanks Wife#2

I feel like God is never here to speak for himself directly, he is always seen through the eyes of others as they perceive him.
Therefore what we learn is always someone else's idea of God and a part of my mothers beliefs are living on through me and my memories of what I learned as a child.

I am currently in a 12-step program and God is mentioned from time to time, it triggers a cringe in me even though I know that others have their own different view on what God is to them.
Most people tell me that it's about your own personal growth and that God or a "higher power" is your higher self that nurtures and cares for you.

If your higher self is judging and controlling then "God" and the world will seem judging and controlling as well.

I've begun to visit a 12-step group every week or so, depending on my work schedule.
And I feel like it's helping, I'm already beginning to re- evaluate some old beliefs and feel relief in the fact that we just listen to each other unreservedly.
It's refreshing to not take responsibility for any other recovery but my own.

Also re-evaluating my view on men, things I find sexy are twisted.
I'd like to turn it around and start to like healthy men instead and despise destructive behaviours.

Candid: I'm so sorry to hear about your abduction and that your family didn't care 
I suppose there are a lot of things we do to stay sane even if they are destructive, such as drinking and smoking. It also helps in some way.


Just to clarify to everyone: I didn't get the typical American christian upbringing, I got a Swedish christian cult upbringing.
So the morals are quite different to begin with since our countries differ a lot and also adding the skewed view of the world that my mother had.
She was obsessively controlling more than anything else so I guess that my childlike mind that couldn't grasp the abstract concept of God felt that God, as reflected by my mother, is controlling.
That I may do whatever as long as he knows what I'm doing and has total, unreserved insight.

Not so much focus on morals though but rather a lot more focus on "being right" and doing everything just right, kind of like OCD. Following the cults word to a T. 

Ah.. this morning as I travelled home from my workshift by train and saw the sun break out from the stormy clouds and shine down upon the fields..
I felt some sort of satisfaction, joy.
Not that everything's perfect, it's just that I think I found my centre for a bit and it felt so damn good!

More of this, please life!
Must stay awake and savour this calm relaxed and joyful presence within me before it goes away into everyday grey bladida- feeling again.

What did I do?
I guess I had a thought about life just being life and that everything that counts is my inner life and my headspace.
How I find pleasure in everyday work in order to promote happiness.. food, clean space, some creative things to do, pleasure of all sorts.

It finally came together for a bit.
I hope this feeling digs deep pathways into my brain now, dig deep!

I'm sorry to hear that, Candid.
Sounds a lot like focus is on caring, or rather Not caring, in your case.

For me it's not about care, it's more like I'm being watched for no good reason.
Not because whomever would be watching cares, unless this person is judging me.. but I guess that's just me projecting my inner critic onto "god".

Do YOU care about you?

Sounds like a good way to stay sane, Woodsgnome!
I myself resorted to swearing as the ultimate release back in the day, today I still swear a lot but I remember the relief I felt when uttering the "forbidden words" to myself.

Still though, always had that feeling of never truly being alone in the room.

Thanks san! 

Yep, I'm trying it again.
I've already gone ahead in my mind and made a plan for how I should work out more and eat better but that's just the perfectionist talking.
No running into walls this time.. but no blaming myself if I do..

Why is it so hard to stay mindful and present?
So easy and yet so hard.

Same same?

Is there anyone else out there who, like me, feel like you are always being watched even when you're alone?
I felt like that as a child in my strict Christian family, God was always there to watch and judge even when my mother couldn't.
Always reading your mind.
Always knowing everything.
Always silently judging you.

Continuing my recovery diary:

I've visited ACA and I'm planning on doing it again when my workshift is over, and by doing so I will attempt to implement some better thinking and trying to be present a little bit more.

I think I rushed myself too hard last time and I could feel it like chest pain.
It's either me re-hashing my boring old worries or just feeling severe chest pain, I prefer to re-hash because the chest pain is scary and makes me think my body can't handle it.
Somehow I need to get this energy out of me, but I'll try to not be such a perfectionist about it this time.

I tapped into my hatred yesterday, it felt good.
By hating the people that hurt me I am loving myself, I should hate them more often and hate myself less.

I figure hate can be a little bit like love, sometimes it's a strong and intense feeling and sometimes you just know deep inside of you that you feel it but you don't have to revel in it.

I F*ing hate my mom and that narc liar that lied to me, hate their guts!
Yeah.

I'm ending this discussion here.

Thanks blueberry 
Well.. whatever feelings we have it's impossible to keep them at the same high level for a longer period of time.
Eventually it's going to have to pass into a more mellow state and I suppose that's where I am now.

We can all have more or less N- traits, Richard has built his practice on what he's good at and he is obviously a person who is comfortable with teaching people.
I don't necessarily think it makes him into a narcissist who doesn't truly care for others.

As a codependent I'm not really interested in how narcs think and feel, I'd rather be interested in overcoming the damage narcs do.