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It is so hard to explain to people why I stayed in the relationship for so long.  It seems so cut and dry for those who never were in that type of relationship.  My history of abuse is a long one - going back well before my horrible marriage.  Men being abusive to women was something that I was used to.  I had to become tough and mask my fear.  I'm the youngest of 5 children.  The oldest is a female, the three in the middle are male, and then there is me.  My mom was abused by my father and he hurt some of my siblings too.  My dad hit me once but my brothers were very protective of me...until I turned into a teenager.  I have memories of my mom being very abusive to my older sister.  I remember crying and hiding under an afghan hoping she would stop.  Then I turned in to a teenager and started to get the same treatment but much worse.  My sister just had my mom; I had my mom and the rest of my siblings, including my sister a couple of times.  I think back to how protective they were of me and just like that, they could harm me like it was nothing.  One used to torture me, pinned me down by my arms as I sat in a chair while he repeatedly told me I was a "Welfare *" because I was just short of 19 and pregnant with my first child by my ex.  He loved to try and set me off.  I know now that my lack of tolerance for repeated sounds of any kind comes from those moments.  Just thinking about it makes me want to cry and beg him to stop.  It literally was torture for me.  Each and every one of my brothers had their own unique ways of be violent.  One was drunk all the time.  He used to like me and would call me down to his room to solve the puzzles on the caps of his bottles of Mickeys.  I used to think it was hilarious that he is 7 years older and he needed me to figure them out for him.  I appreciated any interaction he gave me because I just wanted to be paid attention to.  Then I turned 15 years old. He would get so drunk, drink all of his beer, come home and forget and then accuse me of stealing it.  One of my best friends was there for the first time when he came up to me and punched me right in the face while I was sitting on my bed.  By then I had already learned how to go a few rounds with them so I got up and punched him right back.  He grabbed me by the head and kneed me in the face knocking me clear out.  When I came to, my jaw was crooked and locked so I knocked it back in to place and begged my mom to not take my friend home.  You see, my mom never protected me.  She not only stood there and watched the whole thing, but at times she would sick them on me while she sat in her recliner rocking and knitting.  All of my siblings out-weighed me and were much taller than me.  I just don't get it.  How can a mother do that?  I know each person is affected in their own way by their experiences but as much as I have been through, I could never sit back and watch any of my kids hit like that.  No matter what they did to me, I still stood tall and acted the better person.  I have been there for everyone of them when they have needed me.  I want to scream to them at times when they comment about my ex and what he did to me.  Who the heck are they to talk?!  If it weren't for them, I would probably never have accepted the abuse! 

So much abuse I have been through.  So much!!!!  I honestly think I'm an abuse magnet.  Everything....all of it, it has all happened to me.  It makes me wonder in my darkest moments if it was all me to begin with.  Maybe I bring the ugly out of people.  Maybe it IS me.  But it can't be.  Because I know that nothing I ever could do would justify the things that were done to me.  I didn't deserve it.  I say that and I type it but I just can't absorb it.  Shouldn't I feel emotion from some of the worse memories?  My ex tried to kill me at least three times.  I remember those moments so clearly but I'm null of emotion about them - Like most of my memories.  They make me sad and embarrassed that I stayed but I have not mourned them or felt the horror I should have felt.  Why can't I get that to come out?  Why can't I just fricken feel it?  I want to feel it so it can be over with but that other side, that scared little mouse, will not let me feel it.  I need to deal with it and I get a sensation in my throat but my mind stops it short and will not let me release it.  What do I do?

Thank you so much everyone.  It is nice to be among people who know at least even a little about what you are going through.  For the most part, I find people do the same as I did initially - not take it serious.  It is nice to have people believe what you say and understand how you fee.  Thanks again.

I just recently ended my abusive relationship of over 22 years this past October.  It was my third attempt at getting out and it finally was a success.  I guess you can actually say I finally got out in September of 2013 because that was the last and final time he hurt me.  I immediately took action to keep him away not just for my safety physically but emotionally as well.  The only way I could prevent myself from repeating the pattern of behavior.  That was a day I never thought would be possible.  I still sit and think how much I never really truly thought I would be free.  I also never really knew what free meant and what it would feel like.  It has been terrifying.  The darkest roads I have ever traveled because I did not and still do not know how to exist in this new world.  I have been so used to predicting and adapting in a volatile environment that I do not know how to do that in this world without him in it.  I find others to assume the role, figuratively speaking meaning I assume everyone is capable of being him so I try to adapt.

I was in one of my darkest moments yet last night.  My work is waging war and punishing me for time missed this last year and half of leaving him.  I have had many court hearings for criminal and family court, medical appointments for the injuries I withstood, and psychiatric appointments trying to recover.  I am at a point where things are starting to really ooze to the surface.  I thought I was doing so well, even thought I was improving on a scale that was impossible.  Turns out it was just me doing what I have always done - stuff it down and remove the emotion.  Last night I was low, I didn't want to die but I didn't want to live either.  That left me with nothing other than indifferent.  I felt helpless and defenseless.  I feel helpless and defenseless.  I thought I turned off that road but apparently I am still there.  Every day I have horrible anxiety when at work.  I feel like I am under attack and have no one to help or to run.  I trapped all over again and just want everything to stop.  I cannot take anymore.  I made a statement and a friend reached out to me with concern.  In the last couple of years I have worked hard on accepting fear.  I would never admit it or say it.  We all know why, it would mean I would have to be vulnerable and that means I'm open or free game.  My close friends knew the relationship was abusive but no one knew really to what extent.  No one but me really knows - well and him but he doesn't really think he's done anything wrong.  I opened up to that close friend last night and it led me to search for answers on line. 

I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2012 but never really believed in it.  It did not add up totally for me.  Last night I found Out of the Fog and it was such a blessing.  The information on Complex PTSD described me to a tee.  Everything I have been saying was right there in front of me.  The reality is right in front of me, the idea that I can get better is right there and I do not know how to grasp it.  My friend told me that I am going to have to let the ugly out and I'm going to have to face it.  I have learned a lot about myself and the coping mechanisms I created over the years.  A few things I knew for sure were I removed emotion from everything accept affection for my children.  A hug, kiss, slap, shove...all even playing fields for me.  Completely desensitized from it all.  I also did not emotionally accept or deal with the abuse.  I stuffed it all down, shoved it under the rug, and moved on.  I have let counselors in to an extent but I have learned to manipulate a conversation to avoid topics so well that I do not even realize I am doing it.  When I thought I was tearing down walls this last year, I did not realize I was secretly rebuilding them.  I have let one person become extremely close to me and I shove him away every chance I get too comfortable or things are too easy.  I want to feel safe and I want to have relationship but I just don't know how.  I cannot bring myself to feel or deal with my trauma.  Partly I think it is because there is just so dang much of it.  The other reason is I think I am afraid to open the flood gates knowing it's going to be a rough ride.  It has to be, it should be.  I want to get it all out so I can finally move on but I do not know who to trust with it or who can handle it all. 

I am so thankful for finding this site and hope someone can tell me how to end this.  I cannot deal with the constant pain and fear that overwhelms me daily.  I cannot sleep without medication and I cannot handle any static or too much excitement.  Just typing about it has my muscles tense and in pain.  I am tired of feeling this way and desperately need for this to end.