I remember some of the abuse from a young age. Im not sure how long it had been going on for but my first memory that I cannot forget is my mum punching me in the stomach for not dusting a book shelf correctly as I couldn't reach then her taking me in her arms and ringing someone. Following from that it wasn't just enough for her to hurt me physically but I was to blame for the way she felt and I was the cause of making her so angry and upset she took me to psychologists and had them do tests on me all from the paper of what ive seen described a shy child. Being clean and cleaning was the main thing in my life, my mum made my life all about cleaning if I wasn't cleaning I was bad she would have me bleach floors , dust, hoover anything she required I would clean the house top to bottom every day she would come home from work at any time and wake me up screaming in my face to clean up, lock me in the cellar, make me get dressed outside throw my stuff away I wouldn't have personal belongings she owned them and me.
Highschool was the worst time of my life, I was already isolated she wouldn't let me have friends.Iin primary school she would tell me I couldn't go to other childrens houses in case their mums and dads touched me so she would ring up parents and tell them I had all sorts of illnesses, I tried telling other people, teachers but I was convinced I was in the wrong that I was just pathetic and making up lies, I was too scared to do anything i couldn't do anything she made me believe I wouldn't be able to do anything and I believed her. i was constantly put down for years up until the age of 19 where I managed to get myself a full time job and attend college.
The abuse has ended now but im trapped in an apartment my mum has paid for and my sister and dad chose to forget everything I went through my sister only telling me the other day she remembers me getting beaten up to the point I passed out. I cant re call anything and when I do it comes back to me in dreams I don't know whats real. Im currently at university and Im finding it so hard to move on I thought id forgiven her shes on tablets now for depression. I feel I need to feel humiliated and upset to get on with my life its become what im used to and now its not here I just don't know what to do with myself.
Theres too many memories and hurt, ive blanked everything out. I tend to remember some days and ive started disasociating I don't even feel like a person anymore I just say and do stuff I upset everyone around me. I don't even like me anymore, ive tried getting help and helping myself which has got me nowhere I just feel so hopeless. Ive never been able to write stuff down before so this may be jumbled its really hard to put down everything into words
Its my birthday tomorrow and I don't want to celebrate another year its become so hard when what ive been used to is not being able to celebrate my birthday the way I want in the past any occasion that would be coming up would just be ruined by my mum she would just scream and hit me or threatening me so its just weird being back at home for my 22nd birthday.
I just want some advice on how to move on with my life what I can do to forget. i just want to move on i don't want to feel sorry for myself any longer i know now I was physically and emotionally abused and im slowly coming to terms with it, and I then discovered complex PTSD online it just explained everything I've been going through recently, a few times counsellors have mentioned PTSD to me but I've not been helped or taught what to do when I have flashbacks etc
I just really needed to write something down and just know there is someone else that understands out there
Highschool was the worst time of my life, I was already isolated she wouldn't let me have friends.Iin primary school she would tell me I couldn't go to other childrens houses in case their mums and dads touched me so she would ring up parents and tell them I had all sorts of illnesses, I tried telling other people, teachers but I was convinced I was in the wrong that I was just pathetic and making up lies, I was too scared to do anything i couldn't do anything she made me believe I wouldn't be able to do anything and I believed her. i was constantly put down for years up until the age of 19 where I managed to get myself a full time job and attend college.
The abuse has ended now but im trapped in an apartment my mum has paid for and my sister and dad chose to forget everything I went through my sister only telling me the other day she remembers me getting beaten up to the point I passed out. I cant re call anything and when I do it comes back to me in dreams I don't know whats real. Im currently at university and Im finding it so hard to move on I thought id forgiven her shes on tablets now for depression. I feel I need to feel humiliated and upset to get on with my life its become what im used to and now its not here I just don't know what to do with myself.
Theres too many memories and hurt, ive blanked everything out. I tend to remember some days and ive started disasociating I don't even feel like a person anymore I just say and do stuff I upset everyone around me. I don't even like me anymore, ive tried getting help and helping myself which has got me nowhere I just feel so hopeless. Ive never been able to write stuff down before so this may be jumbled its really hard to put down everything into words
Its my birthday tomorrow and I don't want to celebrate another year its become so hard when what ive been used to is not being able to celebrate my birthday the way I want in the past any occasion that would be coming up would just be ruined by my mum she would just scream and hit me or threatening me so its just weird being back at home for my 22nd birthday.
I just want some advice on how to move on with my life what I can do to forget. i just want to move on i don't want to feel sorry for myself any longer i know now I was physically and emotionally abused and im slowly coming to terms with it, and I then discovered complex PTSD online it just explained everything I've been going through recently, a few times counsellors have mentioned PTSD to me but I've not been helped or taught what to do when I have flashbacks etc
I just really needed to write something down and just know there is someone else that understands out there