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Welcome Pangur! 

So glad you found this website and forum.  It's been a life changing thing for me to find people who get what I've been going through all my life, even if I still don't get it myself.

Like you I went through the narcissist abuse and dysfunctional family dynamic as I was raised in a "loving family" but had no idea I had experienced trauma until I was 53.  Now at 66, I am grateful to be on my recovery journey from trauma (as well as being 13 years sober, but that's another long and painful story.)

So glad you have the book by Pete Walker, and that quote you mention is perfect and a bit eye opening!  I've been thinking it's my ADHD that inhibits executive function to move forward but I also know that in my family I had "my place" and the Pete Walker quote is an eye opener, so thank you!

Again, welcome 

Hello all, thanks again for your thoughts.

Yes dollyvee, I'm going through the same thing, feeling grief about the unhealthy family pattern that didn't take my needs into consideration, and how I couldn't see it.

I realize something that I've heard many times before, I'm the one working on myself and getting better so I'm the one that now can see the pattern.  My sister and my mother are not, they are still stuck in the dysfunction and are not making any movement to change.

What I also realize is my mother has to deal with "cognitive dissonance", as she feels obligated to support my sister's beliefs and outlook while she deals with me and my reality of being hurt by it all.  I appreciate you all pointing out her superficial behavior towards me, I've just been so used to her "caring" about me, but not to the point of making any changes to the awful family situation.

More here on cognitive dissonance: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/cognitive-dissonance

I did some EMDR on Monday with my psychologist on my need for my mother's approval and it helped!  I realize it's really not approval, strangely, it's just acknowledgement; as I can feel invisible due to my sister's desire to remove me from the picture 

I am now working on not needing acknowledgement from anyone, just to be an active human being on the planet. 

Thank you again for your thoughts everyone, really appreciate it. 

From dollyvee "...your m is denying space for your feelings to exist, and when you protest, she goes into victim mode."
                                         

UGH, YES this is what happens. I knew the second part, but needed someone to point out the first. 

Within my Out of the Storm Zoom #2 group meeting yesterday we talked about this a lot and I am starting to understand that I am denying my feelings, again.

I zoomed with my mother yesterday afternoon and I was going to ask her why she can't understand my need to protect myself but I just couldn't.

I think a lot of it really has to do with my need for her approval. UGH   

I will work on this, thanks all for giving me more food for thought on my journey to HEALING FINALLY! 

thanks PapaCoco for your thoughts.  - my mother is not vindictive and really doesn't have a mean bone in her body.  She is just totally clueless.  She is a true flying monkey of my sister.  She wants to believe we are still a family.  I've asked her dozens of times not to give me details of events I'm not invited to and it's just pointless to do this anymore.

Way before my family alienation, I continually had to deal with my mother bending over backwards for my sister's needs while she stomped on mine.  If I point out to her that she's hurt me, she will feel terrible, but her traumatized brain will then get mad at me for pointing this out and then I'm the bad guy again.

Part of my challenge in all this is to try not to take anything personally.  I understand why my sister does what she does, and I understand why my mother does what she does; and honestly it has nothing to do with me!! I'm just the dumping ground. I just need to do what I can to stay out of the way, so that I'm not a victim!

HI all, I thought to give an update.   

I did go hear the jazz band in the Humboldt botanical gardens yesterday and it was a great experience.  I met with a (everyone is over 50 years old) group I found on the website "meetup", and it was just great to have a group to meet (vs going all alone.)  I made some new friends and there are upcoming events that everyone was talking about (hiking is next.)  I am so grateful I was able to get out. 

Last night I received a detailed email from my mother all about her weekend.  It's the frickin' weirdest thing how she can be so disconnected from the hurt it causes me to hear about it.  I'm so grateful I didn't read it until this morning as it set me off again.   

I was able to talk to my psychologist about it all this morning, and I told her about the email I was going to send my mother (originally referred to in this post) asking her, should I have sent it?  But, we both agreed it was good I didn't and she suggested I respond back to my mother "I'm glad you had a good time, it was a rough weekend for me."  And so I did. 

Still not going to be a victim, but I realize the C-PTSD can do it's number on me, at least I am feeling better today.  It's not wrong to state my reality.  Onward and forward, thanks for being there y'all. 

Thanks Blueberry and dollyvee,

Sounds like I need to pick up that book "Believing Me" for sure.

Appreciate everyone's support.

Today I'm pushing myself to go see a jazz band in the botanical gardens, sounds like it would be wonderful eh? 

But I'm dragging my heels, forcing myself to go. 

NO MORE VICTIM...

HUGS   

Thank you all for your positive responses. 

Just FYI, I am not doing what I wanted to do!! 

The party for my mother is today, so geez, I really wanted to not let it get to me, but omg, I just haven't gotten there yet. 

Also my nephew's wife in in a musical (she is playing Nancy in Oliver) and they are all going tomorrow to see her, damn I would have loved to have seen that.

I'm totally anxious and can't focus and can't do anything but sleep and watch TV.

So, that's what I'm doing.

Maybe next week I can start on the no longer being a victim thing... 

It's so weird how the brain can go forward and then backwards again!  GRRRRRRRR that dang C-PTSD!

Thanks for being there....and helping me to have faith....

Hi all 

It is so interesting how concepts are processed within a traumatized brain, and how one can become aware of something for a long time but who knows when one might act on it.

For a long time I've been aware of the idea of letting go of my anguish from my ongoing family dysfunction, but it's only been recent that I'm starting to feel and understand the benefits of no longer feeling and acting like a victim.

Recently I hit a "oh no you didn't" wall with my mother. 

As some of you may know, my (u)NPD sister has banned me from from our immediate family gatherings almost 10 years ago, and my mother (and everyone else) goes along with it because of fear of upsetting my sister.  I was able to attend my nephew's wedding last year as he apparently made some deal with his mother to allow me to go.  I thought we were finally done with this crap, then recently my son tells me he's been invited to my mother's 92nd birthday, with the understanding that I'm not invited.

Of course this news threw me for a loop, as I traveled into yet another emotional flashback for a few days... - that usual feeling of "how could they"?  How could she (my mother) stand for this? 

THEN, I was zooming with my mother a few days later, and she casually asks me if my son could attend her birthday party, as we were talking about him.  I looked at her with this rather shocked face, so you are asking me, the person who can't attend your birthday, if my son is able to go? 

This was the frigging last straw for me!! 

I wrote her an email afterwards about how painful it is for her to not to understand how her actions hurt me.  Knowing from experience that I shouldn't send it right away, I waited, thank goodness.

Because I FINALLY REALIZED, I don't want to be that person anymore!!  I don't want to have to continually remind people how they hurt me! 

What I now am beginning to truly understand is I can let go of the hurt and anguish and still be true to myself. 

I can MOVE ON, and this painful identity of scorned sister/daughter/aunt can basically vanish. 

So that's what I'm working on now...

Thanks all for being there...
 

Hi OwnSide 

I found your post because I did a search on "rejection sensitive dysphoria" and your post popped up.

After reading your whole post I can fully understand, sympathize, and relate.

I found out I have C-PTSD 9 years ago, after doing a search on "narcissist abuse" on the Internet.

There are some of us who had no idea we experienced any emotional trauma or abuse, as we were raised within a dysfunctional family dynamic. 

There is no big T (Trauma) to point to, and yet we have all the symptoms and patterns, actions and reactions of a person who has been traumatized.

It adds another layer to the validity of our own suffering. 

The fact that your mother raised you on her own "with her own unresolved trauma on board" means that you basically experienced generational trauma along with a possible dysfunctional family dynamic (like if she was a narcissist) which will definitely have a negative impact on your brain while growing up.  (Quite frankly being raised with only one parent is trauma in itself, I had to raise my son on my own and understand this.)

I struggle with a reactive and sensitive brain and besides all that I've learned on C-PTSD I am now looking into ADHD because I have it and have taken medication for years; but it was just a few weeks ago I found out how someone with ADHD has trouble regulating their emotions and a lightbulb went off.  Now I'm finding out about "rejection sensitive dysphoria" and OMG I know I have this, why didn't any of my therapists pick up on it? I plan to make a separate post on this soon.

More info here: https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/

Soooo, in regards to - "Anyhow, I've been looking for something to ease the intrusive thoughts so they don't start manifesting with intent, and part of me remembers the little relief cries that used to happen when reading these forums, so I thought coming back might be helpful." - I hope my response helps.
  

So glad you have a handle on this particular Narc encounter! 

I will remember these, thanks Kizzie!

DARVO: Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender - When a Narc does this be prepared!

JADE: Don't justify, argue, defend or explain - When talking to a Narc - so true!

 

Thanks for sharing Kizzie!    - sooo glad we can share this kind of stuff with each other here.  I mean, some people would be like what's the problem?  If you don't like someone, just walk away!  No big deal...but WE know it IS a big deal because our bodies get triggered and then we have to work to sooth ourselves.

And that story about your H's sister, geeez

I plan to do some EMDR this week with my psychologist on my uNPD sister, in hopes that I don't get so triggered by her actions in the future.  Lately she's been off the charts narcissistic, and I see it hurting my mother all the time (but she won't acknowledge it, ugh more dysfunction.)

Fortunately I've distanced myself from my family now for the past few months and it's soooo GREAT.  But I still get triggered.

Have you tried EMDR? I imagine so.  I'll let'cha know if it works for me afterwards.  HUGS

Hi all,  - thought to share that my son came to visit me over the past few days, so I had a good reason to work hard to get my place looking nice, but now that he's gone I'm all lazy again!!  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Thanks Cascade for sharing your thoughts. I love this "reframing motivation as a self-care endeavor" - YES, this makes sense! Although, then I have to feel like I'm worth it! This is something I am working now on in my recovery, feeling worthy of the extra efforts I can give to myself.

I read Pete Walker's book about 5 years ago, and appreciate his take on CPTSD.  Unlike Pete, I had parents who were very supportive, but I worked to achieve the goals they wanted for me, and this is part of why I can't motivate myself.  I am great on doing things for other people!

Another thing to add here is that I do have ADHD for sure, and I take meds which help (as long as I don't take too much which makes me anxious.)

I've been reading Gabor Mate's book "Scattered Minds" and appreciate the insight on HOW my brain lacks "active attention".  I also appreciate his point that being a highly sensitive person makes me a prime subject for issues with regulation.

Again from this post I am now understanding the very important need to have some sort of schedule and do my best to keep on it.
HUGS 

Thank you Blueberry for giving me the opportunity to allow myself NOT to feel bad about myself. 

It is true, I concentrate more on the stuff I don't do and discount the stuff I do. 

I also have a checklist, I have a spreadsheet that lists my tasks, and I have the prioritized.  I am now making sure to keep the items I have accomplished and list them at the end to remind me of all the things I've done.

After creating this post, reading your comments and digesting it all; I am slowly realizing that I have had a habit of feeling bad about myself for so long now, and if I treat it as a habit, then I might be able to kick it!

One thing I am noticing is the more positive stuff I do, the less I feel bad, and it sort of builds on itself.  It's bizarre, then I feel like this weird empty feeling because I'm NOT feeling bad about myself, and I remember oh ya this is the feeling of being content! 

Blueberry, I find this interesting in your comment, your previous thinking...""If you accomplish this particular difficult thing, then tomorrow you're not allowed any fun". I hadn't even noticed that my pattern was giving myself a punishment or at least something difficult or strenuous as a 'reward' for accomplishment." - wow talk about complex PTSD! I am so glad you were able to figure this out!  That's a huge one.

Thanks so much ya'all! 

Thanks for your thoughts everyone, I love how we can commiserate here 

I agree Papa Coco, it's the guilt that is so debilitating 

And I understand NarcKiddo it's a habit!  And habits can be broken, with WORK, and so if I can just get past the guilt then I can get to the work; sounds simple enough. 

And speaking of work, I think part of my thinking is that I worked full time 42 years out of my life, raised my son as a single parent, took care of my mom (blah blah blah) and now this is MY time.  There were so many years that I had to put my needs aside and so now if I feel like playing games on my computer I feel like I should be able to.  BUT this kind of thinking doesn't work well if I'm not getting anything done.

I did move some furniture around yesterday and when I woke up this morning I saw the positive results of yesterday and it gave me a sense of accomplishment and no guilt.  I think I'm just so used to feeling guilty all the time, then I dissociate from the guilt (TV) so back to changing this habit!     

I am going to check out those youtube videos Chart!

HUGS 

Hi all, 

Ever since I moved to a place all by myself it's difficult to get stuff done, because of my inability to motivate myself.

In the past, I've always wrapped myself around other people, helping THEM, and then use the extra time to do the minimal requirements of what I need (I just finished living with my mother for two years and helped her into assisted living.)

Now for the first time in 15 years I'm all by myself and every day it's a struggle.  But I also don't have a routine, and I imagine that's what I need to focus on. 

Basically my routine is wake up (whenever sometimes as late as 10:30 am), drink coffee, and play games on the computer (I'm retired).  IF there are bills to pay or emails to send I'll do them during this time (a tiny bit of productivity.)

Then I'll eat breakfast which makes me feel sleepy and I literally will go back to bed!!  Every day!

When I wake up again I feel guilty because I hardly got anything done, and then I don't want to do anything but watch TV.  I'll do some dishes or sweep but since I've moved I've still got lots of boxes to unpack and haven't even hung my pictures on the walls yet.

Sometimes I get a boost of positive energy and take a walk and that makes a whole world of difference.

The thing is I have so much to do, tons of projects, things to sell on Ebay, unpacking, organizing; AND I want to be a musician and take classes and it seems that this is the last thing I'll ever get to.

HELP!  Any help is appreciated.  Grateful to be here. thx...