Messages

Thank you for the welcome messages. I am reading as much of the stored information as I can. There sure is a lot of it! Thanks for maintaining such a helpful site.

So, I only figured very recently out what has been going on with me for the majority of my life. I have been with my husband for 34 years and only discovered he is a Covert Narcissist about 2 months ago. He admitted to being a sex addict about 5 months ago after I had caught him cheating, again, almost 6 months ago. I have never understood what I was doing wrong that would drive my husband into the arms of other people. I now know it had nothing to do with me. It was all about him. Since discovering all this I have been trying to heal myself while still in this relationship. He has quit drinking, doing drugs, and cheating. He seems to be different but I am afraid to let my guard down because it all seems too easy for him to have just suddenly changed after cheating on me hundreds, yes hundreds, of times, mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually abusing me for 34 years, being emotionally and mentally abusive and neglectful to our children, and lying to every single person he has ever known. I have read it is possible, though extremely rare, for Narcissists to change. I am watching in case the cycle resumes. I promised to give him this last chance and I keep my promises. Because of all that he has put me through and all the realizations I have had recently, I started looking back at my childhood. I see now how obvious it was that my father was also a Covert Narcissist and my mother was neglectful and abusive. I never had the words to put it all together before. My world started to fall apart at four years old and I have been scrambling to keep it together ever since. I was sexually abused by the girl next door in front of a group of other kids. I told my mother what she had done but she was busy with my newborn brother and told me "I'm busy. Go play." I never bothered to tell anyone else. I knew then it didn't matter if people hurt me. My father came home that same month and brought his latest girlfriend with him. He told mom to make her tea while he packed his stuff. He was out of there. They moved to a different city. She booted him out within a month. He then came back to town and kidnapped my baby brother. We got him back three days later. He had to be re-hydrated and treated at the hospital for severe diaper rash. Somehow my parents ended up getting back together and he moved us all to the city he had moved to with his now ex-girlfriend. He then promptly abandoned us there and we couldn't get back to our hometown for 6 months. This cycle of getting back together, cheating, abusing mom, and then abandoning us continued until their divorce when I was 14. I was raped at 15 and didn't bother to tell anyone. My grandmother was murdered by a childhood friend shortly after that. I met my husband when I was 17 and he began the same pattern I had lived since childhood. It was a sick sort of normal for me. I realized I compartmentalize things I can't deal with, so each incident was kind of separate for me. Not any more though. All the pieces of the ugly puzzle have all been falling into place and I know my life has to change. I refuse to live that way any longer. I am trying to do all the things I can to make myself healthy and heal my wounds. I was going to a psychiatrist for a few months but can't afford to go any more at the moment. I am glad to have found this forum and hope to learn and be of help as I am able.