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So today I was just minding my own business about to take a shower when out of the blue I have a memory come back to me about how cruel my ex was, to me, his daughter, pets. I know this is how you heal but I wish these memories would stop coming back to me. I feel like sick to my stomach over these memories.

i echo radical's sentiments, tnicke05.  i'm so very glad you and your children are safe.  that was quite a bit of courage you showed, along with presence of mind in the midst of horror.

i'm glad you're here and will be getting some professional help soon.  hopefully, you'll be able to sort through this and eventually whittle this entire experience down to something more manageable.   as you journey on toward healing, keep taking care of yourself and your children.  that instinct you showed to stay calm so as not to escalate the situation is one to trust and keep close to you. 

in the meantime, you're welcome here.  i've found a lot of help and support from caring, kind, and generous people.  best to you.

Thank you so much I really hope counseling works out well and it's a good match I actually found her online while looking up cptsd and it says that's one of her specialties. Best to you too, I'm sure you'll see more posts from me as I've found writing it out(or typing) to be so therapeutic.

Welcome Tnicke05,

Completely understand all about "being all over the place" It's natural, it's part of all this.

I'm so glad you are safe, that you were able to have the wisdom, despite all the crazy-making abuse that undermines or self-protective instincts and our ability to think,  to get yourself and your children to safety.  It sounds as though you were in grave danger.  Maybe that's why despite all the other abuse, your mind and body keep returning to that final decisive threat.  You are so strong to have overcome this.

It's also natural to be confused about am I making a big deal out of this?  You are not being over-dramatic, it probably feels surreal now but you are traumatised.  I'm really gald you are gettting help to heal, and that you've found your way here.

I hope you can be really kind to yourself while healing from this kind of terrorism.  There is a book that you might feel useful, it's called "The gift of Fear' by Gavin De Becker.  I think you would find it validating of your instincts about the danger you were in, and it could help to understand all the other signs or 'dots' that your mind joined up that you might not have been aware of at the time.

I believe you probably saved yourself and your children from death or terrible harm that day I hope you can build on understanding your strength and courage.   

I will definitely check that book out! Reading psychopath free was actually when I realized what I went through and began seeing it was actually quite terrible as a whole. I definitely am trying to have a deeper understanding to stop brushing everything off as me being overdramatic though.
I'm so glad I found this site and realized it wasn't me and this wasn't my fault I was targeted because of the compassion I have for people. He guilted me into staying countless times by saying he was going to send his disabled daughter, who I love dearly and took care of(he had full custody, part of the reason I fell for him was at the beginning he was such a good dad it seemed but he used her like a pawn to get sympathy), to her alcoholic mother's who had a really weird older bf that she lived with so I would stay knowing if I left she wouldn't be safe. I just started letting myself think of all the abuse I went through and it's helped a lot to say it out loud and writing it out is so therapeutic. I sometimes get flashbacks of that particular incident with the gun and think what if I did something different...I could have been killed or hurt or my kids or both. I get kidnapping dreams and wake up freaked out that he could have taken my kids and just left. Then I have to talk myself down and remind myself that I'm safe now he's in prison. He gets out July 2018 and I'm terrified. For myself, for my kids, for my sanity. He did this to his older daughter her whole life but her mom wasn't able to fight, before I went no response(I figured out I haven't really gone no contact because I have read the letters he sent me) I told him I will fight til the death in court to keep her away from his abusive manipulative behavior. But I just hope it doesn't even come to that and he stays away.  I didn't plan on writing this much in response but wow it really is so helpful. It's been a year since this event happened and I've barely talked about it other than right after it happened then I kind of shoved it away. I always feel like no one understands they were just bystanders and saw what I chose to let them see but no one was there with me when I was pushed and pulled constantly. Feeling in fear of being left for no good reason. ugh it's nice to be told I'm not being overdramatic and this really was a big event that was actually traumatizing.

Sorry if this is all over the place but here it goes, I left my ex a year and a half ago because he was using drugs and threatening me and our children. He walked out and I called my dad. And after talking to him for a few minutes I realize he didn't take any of his stuff meaning he's coming back. I called 911 thinking he will come back and kill me. I truly believe he would with how he was acting...they stay on the phone with me until the police find him. I was bawling when the police came to my hotel room door to take my statement. The weird thing is I didn't even remember that happening until a couple weeks later. And I did some reading that sometimes you block things out but I don't know that just seems strange to me.

This was just one big event within the abuse. Much much more happened but this is the event that still gives me nightmares. I won't have nightmares about that specific situation but I have them about him killing me or trying to kidnap me. I have awful flashbacks about that day though and it feels like it's al happening again. I just now am coming to terms with the fact this was a big deal and I do need to heal from the events that happened. After it happened I would have flashbacks and feel like ugh really this wasnt even a big deal why am I so overdramatic. I start counseling march 16th and im excited to start my journey to healing