Thanks guys for the replies.
I did something perhaps I shouldn't have...I got a puppy yesterday. My ex is a hoarder and took the vast majority of our dogs, including dogs I paid for, have microchipped in my name, and/or raised with her from babies. I brought 4 with me, and had to be sneaky to get two of those away from her. But two of the dogs she kept are small breed dogs that I had helped raise from tiny babies, and I was super attached to them, and they were very bonded to me as well. They were a huge part of keeping me sane through the end of my relationship, and I'll never see them again.
This has been a significant part of my anxiety the past weeks, to the point where some days it is all I can do to not sit in a corner or in my bed rocking and crying. So I had an opportunity to get a free puppy, mixed breed but mostly same breed as those two. She is perfect, and already I feel a good bit of relief of my anxiety. I don't know exactly why this is helpful...maybe it's a distraction. Maybe I just have a particularly strong bond with this particular breed (which I believe to be true, don't know why). It's a very loving, needy, loyal breed, and for whatever reason it makes a great emotional support dog for me.
Here's the issue- a lot of people will freak out that I got another dog. My ex at one point loaded us up with 21 dogs, plus cats and other random people living with us. It was INSANITY. So for me, 5 dogs (one large breed, one medium, and three small dogs, and three of my dogs are senior babies) is seriously not a huge deal. I did most of or all of the care of these animals, depending on who else we had living with us, for YEARS. And many of our dogs were special needs. So 5 dogs? Not a big deal...to me at least.
I don't particularly WANT this many dogs, and am actually trying to rehome one of these which was a relatively recent rescue on the part of my ex, but it's doable. However, my dad is coming to visit in a couple hours, and he is already super not happy that I have the dogs I have. He will flip over a puppy. Granted, he primarily sees dogs as livestock. Granted, his suggestion of how to deal with my depression and anxiety over the last 15+ years has been, "just go drink a beer." I drink very very little, never been drunk, never more than two drinks max in a day, b/c of health conditions and b/c it's expensive! But he didn't agree with me taking psychotropic meds. He wasn't thrilled with me being in therapy. So it's not like he's the expert in ways for me to take care of me anyway. Just so nervous of his reaction.
But what options do I have? This isn't going to be a huge hit to my budget. It's not like I'm planning to bring in 10 more dogs- I already really have more than I'd like. The pup will take up some time but I have the time to spare. And if she helps calm my nerves? I mean what am I supposed to do!! Meds, therapy, meditation, exercise, support group, nothing is sufficiently helping me right now. I can BARELY FUNCTION. My dogs are well cared-for regardless of how much I struggle (in fact they are the reason I'm still above ground, to be honest). A small breed pup is cheaper than drinking every night, even as little as I drink. Healthier too. And my mental health is such a huge mess right now situationally- just left a domestic violence situation a few months ago, still dealing with trying to get a permanent protective order in place and deal with putting my life back together b/c she has taken most of my belongings, slandered me to everybody, etc. She was my partner of over 7 years- this was a long term relationship.
So if this helps me? Brings some joy to my life, or some extra distraction that helps me function, is it such a bad thing? And I'm too old to care so much about what my dad thinks, but I still do, more than I should. Just venting...I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water, and my dad never has nor will he ever understand or acknowledge this struggle. I have tried in little ways to get him to realize I'm in a REALLY BAD PLACE much of the time. Is it more important to have a daughter that doesn't do stuff that embarrasses him (like take antidepressants, see a therapist, have "too many" dogs) than to have a daughter who is actually alive AND not in a mental hospital? Because a few times I've thought that's where I was headed...and it's those dogs that he hates so much that have forced me many times the last few months to get my head out of my butt to keep myself from completely breaking down and ending up locked up somewhere. Ugh...so frustrated. So so frustrated.
I did something perhaps I shouldn't have...I got a puppy yesterday. My ex is a hoarder and took the vast majority of our dogs, including dogs I paid for, have microchipped in my name, and/or raised with her from babies. I brought 4 with me, and had to be sneaky to get two of those away from her. But two of the dogs she kept are small breed dogs that I had helped raise from tiny babies, and I was super attached to them, and they were very bonded to me as well. They were a huge part of keeping me sane through the end of my relationship, and I'll never see them again.
This has been a significant part of my anxiety the past weeks, to the point where some days it is all I can do to not sit in a corner or in my bed rocking and crying. So I had an opportunity to get a free puppy, mixed breed but mostly same breed as those two. She is perfect, and already I feel a good bit of relief of my anxiety. I don't know exactly why this is helpful...maybe it's a distraction. Maybe I just have a particularly strong bond with this particular breed (which I believe to be true, don't know why). It's a very loving, needy, loyal breed, and for whatever reason it makes a great emotional support dog for me.
Here's the issue- a lot of people will freak out that I got another dog. My ex at one point loaded us up with 21 dogs, plus cats and other random people living with us. It was INSANITY. So for me, 5 dogs (one large breed, one medium, and three small dogs, and three of my dogs are senior babies) is seriously not a huge deal. I did most of or all of the care of these animals, depending on who else we had living with us, for YEARS. And many of our dogs were special needs. So 5 dogs? Not a big deal...to me at least.
I don't particularly WANT this many dogs, and am actually trying to rehome one of these which was a relatively recent rescue on the part of my ex, but it's doable. However, my dad is coming to visit in a couple hours, and he is already super not happy that I have the dogs I have. He will flip over a puppy. Granted, he primarily sees dogs as livestock. Granted, his suggestion of how to deal with my depression and anxiety over the last 15+ years has been, "just go drink a beer." I drink very very little, never been drunk, never more than two drinks max in a day, b/c of health conditions and b/c it's expensive! But he didn't agree with me taking psychotropic meds. He wasn't thrilled with me being in therapy. So it's not like he's the expert in ways for me to take care of me anyway. Just so nervous of his reaction.
But what options do I have? This isn't going to be a huge hit to my budget. It's not like I'm planning to bring in 10 more dogs- I already really have more than I'd like. The pup will take up some time but I have the time to spare. And if she helps calm my nerves? I mean what am I supposed to do!! Meds, therapy, meditation, exercise, support group, nothing is sufficiently helping me right now. I can BARELY FUNCTION. My dogs are well cared-for regardless of how much I struggle (in fact they are the reason I'm still above ground, to be honest). A small breed pup is cheaper than drinking every night, even as little as I drink. Healthier too. And my mental health is such a huge mess right now situationally- just left a domestic violence situation a few months ago, still dealing with trying to get a permanent protective order in place and deal with putting my life back together b/c she has taken most of my belongings, slandered me to everybody, etc. She was my partner of over 7 years- this was a long term relationship.
So if this helps me? Brings some joy to my life, or some extra distraction that helps me function, is it such a bad thing? And I'm too old to care so much about what my dad thinks, but I still do, more than I should. Just venting...I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water, and my dad never has nor will he ever understand or acknowledge this struggle. I have tried in little ways to get him to realize I'm in a REALLY BAD PLACE much of the time. Is it more important to have a daughter that doesn't do stuff that embarrasses him (like take antidepressants, see a therapist, have "too many" dogs) than to have a daughter who is actually alive AND not in a mental hospital? Because a few times I've thought that's where I was headed...and it's those dogs that he hates so much that have forced me many times the last few months to get my head out of my butt to keep myself from completely breaking down and ending up locked up somewhere. Ugh...so frustrated. So so frustrated.