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I get bad nightmares too. Mine worsen with stress so I always know to expect them when stress is high (like now). For me getting my anxiety level during the day helps with nighttime but it can be a vicious cycle. I don't think this helps much but you're not alone. Welcome!

  Welcome. Years and years ago when I was 13 I got banned from a support site and almost 2 decades later sometimes it still upsets me. We all do things. I guess you were just meant to be with us. Welcome!

Just wanted to say how much I can relate to this and ugh I am so angry at myself for it. I know I've got people worried but even now I'm at work (and I have the best, most supportive coworkers ever) and I have headphones in and have been lately the whole time I'm not working to avoid conversation and have been pushing them out. I have been avoiding Facebook because that's how others get a hold of me and my one friend who is the best friend I've ever had has been texting me asking if I'm okay and I can't bring myself to text her back. I feel awful. Most of them I've told it happens and I'm not trying to be mean or rude but I feel like an awful friend. Friendships don't feel good. So this was so unhelpful but it felt good to see someone can relate to what I'm going through.

Sorry I've been avoiding people so I'm just now seeing this but don't give up.  As I said, my reentry into working was very hard. I couldn't even get a hotel maid position and I was rejected for every americorps position I applied for that required no skills. I'll just advise don't limit yourself. I never thought I'd work at a library because prior I hated reading (now I have an insatiable hunger for all and read non stop) but it's been the biggest blessing ever. Don't give up. Get out and take walks. Start something new. Be your own boss. Write a book or send into newspapers. You can do so many things. 

Thanks!!  It did feel pretty big actually, ha. I just feel a little silly, but I am really proud of myself.

I wanted to share because I'm actually really proud of myself for it. Yesterday was spent with family. I didn't realize how disassociated I was even though all I wanted to do was drink and hide until nighttime after I watched the movie Interstellar which to my complete shock and bewilderment sent me into a huge EF. My critic quickly escalated things because I felt lame for getting triggered by a movie and because I can't do things other people can or else this happens. It hit a moment of thinking "I want to cut" (haven't for over 3 years) and a quick thought of suicide and then i was like this is an EF. I got out Pete Walkers tips to get through EF and also to combat inner critic and I was totally able to get myself out of the EF and stay 100% safe.  Granted it took like an hour with lots of sobbing and praying and lowering then quick spiking of anxiety before it stayed calm, but I was able to use those tips and mindfulness and went to bed out of my EF. Thanks for letting me share!

Thanks! I'd like that too. So if you have verses, or thoughts, as you are journeying along, please feel free to share them. I started The Shack but didn't finish. Maybe I will go back to it this weekend. Somehow seeing the Lord as safe is difficult for me. Where was He in abuse? I'm talking with my T tomorrow about this.

Same. And I liked the Shack because it just gives me hope that maybe what I believe about God is skewed because my mom who acts so righteous. I admit I'm still struggling with those same questions and haven't been able to pick up my Bible right now and stopped wearing my cross necklace. I am meeting with my pastor next week and told her I wish I didn't believe in God but I can't and believing he is real and I can still have been abused so badly and suffering so strongly feels worse than not believing at all.  You're not alone. Maybe we've been brought to this site for a reason. I wish I had answers for you, but I'll look for them with you. I think it's okay and good we are feeling this way. I was never allowed to question or disrespect God growing up or I'd get in trouble. Maybe God is okay with me cussing at him and telling him I hate him and asking these questions. Maybe it's good you are and is a sign of deeper and stronger faith than most who don't care if don't believe in God enough to believe he had any more power than us? Hang in there. I'm here for you.

And I'm not, dammit!
...
The years of slogging on regardless, running off to the ladies' room every so often for a good cry, are over.

No you're not. I also get down on myself though because I don't have a degree; I even dropped out of high school because of the crap at home. I wish I could get a degree. School is a huge trigger.

And I still go to the bathroom to cry sometimes, but more so because bathrooms are my safe place. Working ain't easy which is why I think all people deserve a supportive environment.

Good job making the call even though nothing turned out of it. Did you ask if you could maybe use her as a reference though on a resume? She might still be able to help you in that way. I think it's very brave you called. I psych myself out with stuff like that. These first steps are the hardest. You're doing it. 

Welcome.  I grew up with a strong faith and my grandpa who I looked up to was a pastor. Through all of my pain I've kept the faith but after recently being slammed into coming to terms with my childhood abuse after reading a CPTSD book, I've been shaken to the core. I have developed a trusting relationship with my pastor who shares my name and is only three years older. Recently I told her religion and God could f (actual word) themselves. I've always struggled with God as a parent, but have you read or seen The shack? I love it and I'm meeting with my pastor soon but I'm still having a major faith crisis. I'm very angry at God right now. So I don't have advice, but i am working through it too so if you want to talk, I would love to have someone to work through it with.

I got very discouraged during my job search. I applied to advertised jobs and looked into places (daycares) I thought I'd want to work and had experience and only had two interviews which didn't turn over anything, and this was over three months of non stop applying. I don't say this to discourage but just to keep you motivated in case the search is tedious. When a chance encounter with someone online whom I've actually never met in person who works at one of our other libraries (it's a big system of 20 branches) told me I should apply for this shelving job I did and it's been incredible. I've been traumatized at other jobs and sometimes freak out here, but they always reassure me I'm doing well and am too hard on myself. Being here has taught me there are good people out there who will help you because they have or do struggle too. I hope you can find something like this too and don't conform to societies view that you must work even if you're miserable. You can work and be in a safe environment too. It may just take some searching. Once again, you can do it and I'm here if you need anything. 

The majority of my childhood memories are from outside myself and I've always been curious about it too. Not all though which makes me think I was disassociated during memories I can see myself.

I can't talk to anyone and just want to walk into the woods with a tent and stay until I have turned back into nature again.
I have to fake everything right now and need to numb myself ...
I don't want to be close to anyone!
I want to be invisible and sleep life away until it is just over!...

Okay so seriously I was just at the park by this isolated pond I have been going to for years when people just feel too much and today was thinking I wish I could just dissolve into the trees and pond and birds around me. I was also thinking how my daughter is too good for me. I've been struggling too and could really relate to what you've written. I also feel like I'm faking all the time and so numb.   

I will say substances to numb is a slippery slope that almost ruined my life as did self injury. You're already hurting badly. You deserve to be treated well. Try some self soothing. Do something nice for yourself that you enjoy. You may be in EF. You are hurting and need love. Treat yourself.

  I am so fortunate because I found an incredible job with the most supportive people. It was only by chance though because I work part time at a library but I never pictured myself working at one as I used to hate to read (love it now). I hadn't worked for four years prior and I recieve all sorts of disability and government support. I couldn't work full time e even where I am currently. They do well when I'm having an EF even though until last week I didn't have a word for it. Today my branch manager told me he could tell I was really pushing it and that I was not expected to do so much and it was okay to slow down. He said I was not responsible for carrying the weight of the world even if it sometimes feels like it. I am seriously so lucky for these people.

I say this to encourage you. Try places you might not have tried. Take it slow. And who knows? You might get so much from it. My co-workers have been so healing even though they're not perfect. They are the only humans I let close to me. There are some really great people out there. You can do this and if you find yourself in a bad job, leave. There are others. I applied for several months before I finally found someone to take a chance on  me. When I meltdown and cry to my supervisor that I'm too crazy to work there, she assures me it was  requirement to get hired. You can do it! 

Thank you both.

- Self berating didn't mean I was possessed, it's a result of a child's ego in arrested development. I didn't really consider the possession possibility...

I actually agree with everything you said but this...I need an embarrassed face. I sort of considered this a possibility. I am a Christian and no one could explain the critics to me so up until just prior to reading the book I've been struggling to label them. Mine even has a name, X. This part of the book was an enlightening moment of relief and painful washing of ignorance as I FINALLY understood and had to grieve no one else could give me a name for it. Therapists would just ignore it because it didn't fit; the same way they would ignore the emerging of my inner child. It's like all the pieces were there but it was just ignored. Finally I understand but im not sure which is worse: this or ignorance because this really hurts.