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I live in a state in which medical use is legal and tightly controlled and PTSD is not yet (but might soon) be an approved condition. I am very interested in the topic due to precisely the possibility that a primarily CBD based medicine with just enough THC to make the thing work, but not enough to get high, could be efficacious. Indeed, my sister-in-law is a nurse in a state that legalized, and she regularly administers a CBD compound to a child as a seizure medication and she says it works wonders.

I think that this point is generally misunderstood and not clearly defined in discussions about medical marijuana. Because it's "marijuana" it's stigmatized, even if one is using a form of it that has little or no effect of making you "high." In fact, I wish the word "marijuana" could be striken from discussion and instead use terms like "canniboid derived medicine."

Per your experience:

1)  Feeling like I'm doing something 'wrong' even though I am a) Working with my therapist AND looking for honest feedback from my wife AND b) Honestly looking for what is supportive.
2)  Looking to balance ease and 'taking a break' with avoidance and checking out.
3)  I notice that some fear seems to turn off with cannabis and something primally social seems to wake up in me when I use.  It's like a part of me that got shut off from years of abuse gets reactivated in part. I seem to learn something that I can take with me when I am not using.

It might be useful to distinguish between concerns (1) and (2), which seem to be attitudinal on your part, from (3), which is more a report of how well the treatment works.

With respect to (1) and (2), bearing in mind that you are using a canniboid medicine that is low in THC and thus has little "escapism" value of making you high, I don't see what you're doing as being any different from taking an allopathic medication. It is giving you symptomatic relief. You are in therapy and recognize that "doing the work" is the core of the healing process. The symptoms of PTSD in themselves can be so intense as to make it difficult to do the work. As is the case with antidepressants, if the medicine enables you to do your life and your process better, it's just a good thing plain and simple.

With respect to (3), I noticed that you used the term "using", which is a term with which people refer to the abuse of illicit drugs. Again, you are not "using" in this sense. You are taking a canniboid derived medicine for the purpose of alleviating your symptoms. As for the fact that it enables you to feel more social and have more energy, that sounds to me no different from some of the best benefits about an antidepressant.  Depression makes us numbed out and thus turned off to connection with others. And yet connection with others is a key ingredient to healing. It seems to me that you've found a way to lift the numbing in a way that could be quite beneficial to your healing process.

The effect that you've had with this medicine is what I have been hoping for with medications that I've tried, except that none of them has worked for me. Hearing about your experience gives me hope that at some point I could get some benefit from canniboid derived medicine (if only the governor would sign the bill!).

Best wishes,
--YA

Hi Dee,

Thanks for the response. Actually I have done the genetic testing already. It turned out that a number of the medications I had tried were in fact on the "moderate interaction" list. One of the ones that I would have tried (Lamictal) is on the severe interaction list because of high risk of that horrible rash reaction that can happen. So it was quite worthwhile.

In theory, Sertraline is on the "use as normal" list for me. And yet I did not react well to it. The thing is that even the medications that are said to be "use as normal" can still have whatever side effects would ordinarily be associated with the medication. In my case, it seems that when the medication is working the way it's supposed to, my defenses drop and more stuff comes up. That doesn't even seem to be a typical side effect. I am beginning to look at this as part of the process: apparently, when a medication is working for me, my defenses need to adjust to my being more relaxed somehow.

Thanks again.
--YA

I never did before, because I built my life around denying it. Somehow, I managed to compartmentalize and ignore much of my pain and acknowledgment of abuse and neglect. I just thought I was an anxious, depressed, semi-crazy person who could keep it all sort of in check with a regimen of a lot of exercise, meditation, careful diet

OMG I know exactly what you mean. It's like stability sometimes feels like a house of cards built out of all these healthy practices. It so _should_ be enough. But with this kind of history, it isn't necessarily always enough.

I was kind of forced to share my history with one of my daughters when she was 14 when she visited her cousins unaccompanied and asked my sister why I don't have a relationship with my mother. It turned out that she had been curious for years. I also think that she sort of just knew that I don't always run on all  four cylinders.

I totally get not wanting to dump so much information on the kids because you don't want to use them to process the information. That was one of the ways in which my boundaries were violated when I was a child and so I have a profound understanding of how delicately one has to navigate this kind of thing. It can be done. For me, I think it was a matter of discussing what I would share with my kids with my therapist and my wife and rehearsing it a bit. It can be done. It just takes some effort.

In the end I think it's worth it because secrets are generally a Bad Thing. I put a lot of effort into making a safe and loving environment for my kids and so they naturally have a kind of buoyancy and vibrance that it has taken me many years to develop as an adult. It feels like disclosing this kind of thing to them risks bursting the bubble, so to speak. But I think that at some level they really already know. Finding the right words to tell them ultimately strengthens them because it gives them a more truthful understanding about you and about the world.

My wife left town for a week recently. I cried that morning. That felt embarrassing.  I used to not even miss her when she left, and now I cry the morning she leaves.  So much shame and I still feel selfish and small and defective for having to navigate so much emotion that's never been let out.

This _so_ happens to me also. Separation anxiety and despair. I know it well. So, yeah, I think revealing the challenging side of life to the kids can be ok -- it's all a matter of how it's done.

Best of luck.
--YA

Hi,

I while back I posted a question about anti-depressants and memory processing. I  think I have an answer.

As background, I've been working on abuse related trauma therapeutically, and with various kinds of therapy, for several decades. In the last couple of years, several life events -- surgery, my aging father coming to live in my town (he was not the perpetrator but is an alcoholic) -- have sent me into a new phase of processing the trauma.

My flashbacks (both emotional and cognitive) have gotten pretty intense, and along with that is a sense of bodily tension and agitation -- a sense of compulsion to keep myself as busy as possible and as wound up as possible. In short, I am wound pretty tightly. And there's the emotional numbing too. My libido is low.

I exercise regularly, practice yoga and meditation, and eat well. I am increasing my therapy sessions to twice a week now that it's summer and my therapist has more time available.

In an effort to improve my quality of life as I work on this issue, I have tried a number of medications. Some of them just generally have unpleasant side effects. Some of them mostly work, but also make my flashbacks worse. This turns out to be the case with the last antidepressant I tried.

One doctor I worked with explained this as a result of the medication making my body more relaxed. I think she's right.

Since I seem to not react well to antidepressants, I have tried a number of mood stabilizers. The current one is lithium (yes, I am managing this closely with my doctor and getting the blood tests and so forth). It is providing a slight improvement in my symptoms -- less agitation and a broader (in a good sense) range of emotions. However, it is also making the flashbacks more frequent.  It's not as bad as it was with the antidepressant. But I am not sure how long I will wait to see whether my defense mechanisms adjust enough to enable me to benefit from this medication or whether I'll have to discontinue.

It seems to me that this is a fairly uncommon side effect, but I'm wondering whether anyone here has experienced anything similar with any kind of medication?

Thanks.
--YA

I also feel better when I'm involved in therapy. Just taking an antidepressant alone makes me feel better but not great.

Ya I think most psychiatrists say that the antidepressant works together with and is not a replacement for therapy. I believe that.

Do you notice anything different about how you process memories when you are on the medication? I mean, if the medication reduces the intrusiveness and flashbackiness (sp.?) of memories, that's a good thing. But does it then make it so you don't deal with the memories as much?

Thanks.
--YA

Hi,

I'm new to the forum. But not to CPTSD 

I am considering trying an antidepressant. I am aware of the side effect risks and have looked through previous posts here and elsewhere, so I know the pros and cons and differences in philosophy in this regard. Since I already have enough anxiety about this thing, I would like to ask for input from folks who have found antidepressants to be beneficial. (I realize that they are sometimes not that way for some people.)

I have be been (and continue to be) in one kind of therapy or another for the past 25 years or so and have been through various periods of being stable and not-so-stable as far as CPTSD symptoms. As a result of some significant triggers in the past few years (surgery, looking after an aging alcoholic parent, etc.) I am going through a not-so-stable period. It's like, you've been through all the flashbacks, told your whole story to several therapists, and you think you're sort of "done" with it, and then you're back in it big time.

But I digress.

Some of my symptoms have gotten so different recently that I went to see a psychiatrist because I was concerned that there might be something physical wrong or that maybe I am turning out to have bi-polar. Some of that has calmed down, but I have the ball rolling with the psychiatrist, and I think she's likely to suggest that I take an anti-depressant. Honestly, while I'm coping reasonably well, I would not mind some relief from the exhaustion and social isolation (I have a complete and total aversion to intimacy of almost any kind which is not so great when you're married). So if it might help with that, that would be good.

I got the impression that anti-depressants might decrease intrusive memories and maybe flashbacks as well. Maybe this is similar to how they reduce OCD symptoms because there can be an obsessive quality to the intrusive thoughts. Or maybe it's because they calm down the central nervous symptoms, and being worked up in general can in and of itself be a trigger.

Anyway, for those of you for whom antidepressants are working, and supporting your therapeutic process, I am curious about whether these sorts of medications affect how you process your memories? Do they make the memories more or less accessible? Easier to process? Etc.

Thanks for your input.
--YA