Messages

Thanks for the support Wanttothrive and Three Roses, means a lot right now. 

Wanttothrive - sorry to hear you struggled with similar things from your parents complimenting then devaluing. It is so confusing and crazy making. You're insights are helpful, - realizing how both complimenting and devaluing behaviors are sides of the same objectifying coin - hurts to not be seen or understood for who you actually are. I'm slowly realizing my whole family was sick, not just my father, trying to come to terms with it. The 'nice' behavior, being supportive, complimenting, encouraging is what keeps me stuck sometimes I think. Glad you have found support with your husband and therapist and are recognizing false beliefs. Sometimes I feel like there's different parts of my brain I can't seem to reconcile - logically I know, understand the truth and recognize what's happened/happening but emotionally I'm not on the same page. Idk if that makes sense. Sometimes I'll feel like everything's fine - like I should just talk to my family, almost that I'm the problem and making a big deal. But later, logically I'll realize what's actually happened and I'll think what is wrong with me for thinking things are fine?? It's like two separate parts of me that can't see each other fully. Maybe it was easier to blame myself than face the full truth. I think deciding to remove myself from the family system as much as I could makes a difference in the way of getting healthier - just sucks realizing that maybe the people you thought existed were only in your mind. My mom as I saw her doesn't actually exist - guess it feels like the emotional aspect of the illusion is breaking lately and I'm struggling with that. Best wishes on your journey hope we can eventually find some peace.

Pretty new to the forum, this website and the sister site OOTF has helped me so much over the years. Lurked for a long time but never joined or shared. Trying to make sense of things as I've been struggling with coming to full terms with the abuse - mostly struggling with my enabling mother lately. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.

Grew up with a lot of emotional, verbal and some sexual abuse - no physical other than intimidation. Emotional abuse was from mother at an early age, then father later on - sexual from grandmother (mother's side) when young then covert sexual from father in teen years (inappropriate comments, staring, oversharing etc), and continued creepy non sexual touching from grandmother rest of childhood - teen years. From a young age always knew something wasn't right but we lived isolated in the country and this was my 'normal' so couldn't do too much. Parents fought a lot, mom had a nervous breakdown when I was 8, dad freaked out about his reputation and used parental alienation with me. We became 'best friends' - became a surrogate wife more or less, bonding over how much my mom sucks and later on he'd start criticizing me.

First year I was a teen I got molested by an outside family acquaintance. Parents found out, police got involved and he got arrested then got out on bail. At the time thought I was in love with him and wanted to run away so tried to get in contact with him. My mother found out, told my dad and he lost it - took me on a drunken drive raging, yelling that I don't care about him anymore, screaming that he would kill me, my mom and himself then proceeded to try to kill us both, driving 80 mph down a steep hill in the opposite lane screaming if I was ready to die. When we got home my mom didn't believe/care and said he was drunk and did that to 'get some sense' into me and that he would never 'really hurt me.'

Tried to escape and go to the women's shelter but realized if I got caught chances were much higher he would go through with his threats. Numbed out and lived that way for years. Parents blamed me, said 'society corrupted me' and took away friends, television, internet, music and money from my jobs. At 18 I moved out and went to college. Still saw them every few months - years went by without any real altercations - everyone moved on like nothing really happened. Mom has always acted like everything was just peachy and that I was her 'precious gifted daughter.' Have been treated like both the golden child and scapegoat. Told one minute I was talented, gifted best at everything (and often anxiously achieved like a dancing monkey to prevent the 'fall') then the next minute was told I was worthless, stupid, will never amount to anything and a dumb whore like my mother. Sometimes I wish I was just one or the other, that's the worst - feeling like there was hope - like I could do something, if i just tried hard enough, got good enough grades, cleaned well enough, made them happy then they would finally accept me. But eventually I'd always 'fall' and realized after a time I couldn't win. (This was before the death threat). After the death threat I just didn't care. Realized they were crazy and made it my goal to get out.

So here I am today. I'm married to a great guy and we live thousands of miles away. My mom writes me often on social media and guilts me often for moving away, writing about how wonderful our lives were and how much she misses me and how my dad is so nice now, he's mellowed out, stopped drinking and cries that he misses me. She tells me she cries missing me too. No feelings for my dad, realize he's dangerous and haven't felt any guilt since I was a teen. But my mom gets to me. I feel somehow responsible for her as if she was a victim (though logically I know better). Lately I've been struggling with a lot of anger - realizing she was there this whole time - that she was my mom and stood idly by and did NOTHING. How did I never notice that before??? Just went under the radar....always thought she was so nice, innocent, caring, loving and a victim too. Now that I'm nearly 30 I realize if I ever had kids I would never do that...I'd never put up with that, it'd be just as abusive as the main abuser. My brain can't reconcile this and I'm really struggling. Considered no contact - the frequent messages result in days of feeling terrible after. But part of me can't let go either - there's guilt, love, hatred and confusion. This is my story and this is where I'm at. Struggled for so long on my own with this but realizing it's bigger and harder than I let myself realize.

Thanks for the support Blueberry, means a lot. At least there's freedom now for my own opinion even inside myself. It's frustrating - wish actually standing up to this would accomplish something - feels like making comments to the wall, wasted effort and somewhat pointless. There's no capacity there for understanding, no way to get through, that's the saddest part. All I guess I can do is limit my interaction to protect myself and what I allow in my life.

I wonder if it is just the brain trying to process what's happened and make sense of new information.

I think so. Or a not-so-subtle reminder that we can't go back there. Ever.

Maybe they happen once there's finally an opportunity to begin trying to make sense of things.

I'm big on the notion that dreams are trying to tell us something. These days I more often dream of being in a good job with great workmates. Maybe it's a promise while I'm feeling so discouraged. Or simple wish-fulfilment...

Feels like my brain is trying to find the missing piece of a puzzle or maybe it's just solidifying the full intensity of the experience to help build self protection.

Ever had a lucid dream? It's when you realise within the dream that you're dreaming, and can then be directive. Two things you can try:
1. As often as you think of it during the day, ask yourself: Am I dreaming? The idea is that if it becomes a habit, you'll start to do it when you're sleeping.
2. Also many times during the day, say what you need to say to your abusers and tell them you're done with them. (You might like to use a lot of expletives for this.)

Makes me wish I could dream of my mother a few more times, just to have my say and get it out there!

That very thought ran through my mind as I wrote this, maybe it's the brains way of trying to wake us up to the very real danger there that may not have been as accessible when we were living it.

Sorry to hear you feel discouraged sounds like you are dreaming of what you know would be good for you.

I have had many lucid dreams before but they are spontaneous, never intentional. Might have to try it out to see if I can get a lucid dream on purpose. Great tips especially saying what needs to be said. We haven't often gotten a chance to express that so I can see how that could really help.

My cousin and I are similar ages and grew up together. Considered my cousins siblings as we grew up together in frequent contact. Years ago I moved far away from my immediate FOO, been LC with them and also with my cousin. Everyone criticized that I'd moved away including extended family and efforts over the years have been made to guilt me into moving back.  Last I spoke to my cousin she made comments on how she could never live so far away from family like I did and family means too much to her to do that....

Anyway, my cousin has very young babies and often relied heavily on her family members for financial support. I've always suspected her immediate FOO had some major abuse issues, despite her denial (we share the same toxic grandmother) and other members of her family have threatened her husband physically with death threats in the past. Well recently she suddenly moved her family several states away with very short notice. My aunt immediately disowned her, refuses to talk to her anymore and my family let me know. Cousin told me they moved because they were sick of the state - but seems to me that they made a swift decision to remove themselves from a toxic situation. Seeing my family's reaction to this (especially Aunt) and the chaos that followed - my FOO sending me message after message, flooding my inbox about how ridiculous she is being, how outrageous to remove the grand kids from their grandma (my aunt) has given me some perspective on how *blind* these people are to the obvious. 

Felt proud of my cousin for trying to make a healthy decision for her children but also triggered and angry when my family was so invalidating and ignorant to what's really going on and in a way related the situation to what I had done. Was certain I would somehow get blamed for encouraging her to do what I did even though we never talk. I not-so-subtly let my grandmother and other family members know that perhaps something was wrong there and she tried to escape the toxic/abusive situation to protect her kids. It's as if I didn't even say anything....went right over their heads and they were back to just putting her down and 'oh my god how could she do this to your aunt and the poor babies??' It's really enlightening but also frustrating and makes me wonder why it's important I even know about this? They would not stop gossiping and trying to get me involved in this smear campaign against my cousin and her husband (they especially came down hard on him) and I want nothing to do with it. In the last message from my mother she made a comment about how my poor poor victimized aunt can't even walk past diapers without tearing up and then she went on to say how she totally gets it because sometimes when she goes by places we used to be together she starts crying too. I've had enough. I haven't responded and I want nothing to do with this new drama or any more of this ridiculousness. The level of invalidation is through the roof and I will not stand for supporting abusive behavior anymore.

Thanks for the support and responses I'm sorry you all have had similar experiences. I've been struggling with this lately and hadn't met anyone yet who really understands.

Three Roses - Thank you I hope you find relief soon as well 

Blueberry - Glad to hear your nightmares have stopped and you have been able to protect yourself from FOO. It really sucks to have to choose between family and self protection, that's not how it should be. Best wishes on your journey.

Candid - Sucks that you had those dreams, I can relate to the feeling of wanting support from a parent then feeling self abandonment. It's really hard to have to pick between the conditions of the relationship which require you to be a traitor to yourself or opting out altogether. It does feel good to wake up and realize it's safe now. I wonder if it is just the brain trying to process what's happened and make sense of new information. That's great you haven't had the dreams for a long time, gives me hope they may stop one day. Never had these dreams until I started to feel safe and content in my life and marriage thousands of miles away, then they just started up every night. Maybe they happen once there's finally an opportunity to begin trying to make sense of things.

Silentrhino - Sorry to hear you've been having these dreams for four years. It really is freaky and unsettling. I feel the same not wanting to (and never plan to) go there again. Just wish the dreams would stop. Feels like my brain is trying to find the missing piece of a puzzle or maybe it's just solidifying the full intensity of the experience to help build self protection. Hope you find some peace and they eventually stop for you.

Does anyone else ever have recurring dreams of being stuck in the place where they grew up? For the last year or so, almost each night, at least a part of my dreams will take place on the property where I used to live. Sometimes they're nightmares, other times they are neutral or just images that pass with no emotion to the dream, but it's always the same theme. A lot of times I'll dream I'm back there and can't escape or just know I will be there for a long time. Just wish I could dream about something else or a more recent place I've lived.

Thanks for the kind words and welcome, it really helps to know there is a support group here.

Hi just joined OOTF yesterday - I've been a long time lurker and this website has helped so much over the years. Feeling brave enough to share and after a long time realized I don't have to be alone in this. I was suggested this forum from the main site today. I've read a lot about C-PTSD and have considered in the past I might have some symptoms. I've never been diagnosed or sought any help though. It was easiest to deal with things myself, gathering knowledge is what saved my life. Usually I've relied on suppressing/ignoring emotions and rationalizing to deal with ongoing abuse. Now that I'm in a safe place it feels like I'm able to work through actually feeling things, not just thinking. Hope I can offer some insights from my experiences and continue moving forward and healing.