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Hey there!
Still pretty new here, posting to the correct forum this time!

I wanted to ask about people's experiences overcoming those deep, deep wounds of betrayal and abandonment. I had the worst breakup nearly 4 months ago from a whirlwind romance with someone who clearly wanted me deeply but could not handle intimacy or believe I could love them, so tested and abused me on it. They didn't want to get better, just wanted control. This equalled smashing me to pieces, and the hardest part is I let them.

This reflects strongly with the betrayal of my family, I needed love and support through a rape, I needed help and support through school, my childhood, and I was repeatedly blamed, attacked, lied to, promised things would change, and then betrayed further. My Dad tried to abandon me physically when I was 11, he emotionally abandoned me frequently from as long as I could remember, and once again did it after 10 years of therapy whilst proudly announcing "I don't talk about you in therapy", This was sprinkled with moments of care and affection, where I felt seen and cared for, which lead me to keep trying until 1 year ago. He parentified me to listen to his problems and love him where his own family didn't.

My mother was emotionally absent 90% of the time, the remainder she was either smothering/angry/abusive/whining about how difficult things were for her whilst belittling my difficulties and attempts to get emotional support whilst parentifying me also.

I also just got involved with a guy who in person is warm, gentle and interested (but has issues with alcohol and childhood abuse himself) but is distant or absent over text for prolonged periods of time. Quite an extreme hot and cold experience. I suspect I need to end this and soon before major feelings get involved.

My friendship group has decayed to one daily contact (who is himself recovering), and 3-5 friends who I can talk to varying degrees but are so busy with their lives that the frequency of time they can give me is limited. I've taken time off work because my PTSD/flashback symptoms had gotten to all time extreme and I wasn't coping with myself let alone the work (it involved a lot of mental work and precision).

I'm the most isolated I've ever been, though the most together in years as I have therapy, I've been open with my GP, I'm taking steps to build new friendships, I'm meditating daily multiple times (cannot recommend it enough), trying out new groups with limited success (I get triggered and don't usually have a place to retreat to cry), doing daily yoga, trying to draw and write everyday, and trying to learn how to take proper care of myself. I've dabbled with self-administered EMDR which appears to help somewhat with some very difficult memories, particularly the invasive ones about my ex and his betrayal, but it doesn't seem to help with the underlying feeling of dread and abandonment.

I'm doing a lot of inner child/teenage work, mostly involves me loosely letting my mind wander through associations and crying out what I feel whilst trying to stay grounded in my body talking to that child/girl and trying to re-imagine the scene with me there with her and attempting to give her what she needs.

My sleep has improved, I'm more present in the room, I'm more playful, I'm more consciously fearful but can manage it more.

The damn nightmares are awful, and that feeling of dread is ever present now, if more manageable. I was wondering if anyone has had some success in truly releasing that feeling of being worthless, unlovable or that I will be abandoned? I'm working tirelessly to never abandon or betray myself now. I'm trying to be attentive to my needs and to be present in my body. I'm reading too to try and learn what techniques work best with cPTSD (Pete Walker's great, but I've found I need more, so the Body Keeps Score has been an eye opener).

Any other suggestions, hope? My heart hurts most days, less so than it did before, but the loneliness and the pain is immense. I recover new and more intense memories everyday, which I see as progress, but it's so painful and challenging. I can see possibilities open to me, but I don't want to feel so let down anymore. Is this unrealistic?

Thanks Candid, I really don't know what to do with myself. I've taken the break, I've tried to arrange for financial support in the meantime (I realised I posted in the wrong forum, it's childhood trauma that caused this, though I've had plenty of trauma as an adult).

I went from crying constantly to now being stuck in quiet emotional rage. I feel more like my teenage self than my older self or the child. I just feel blocked and I'm trying to be patient and listen and accept things but it's freaking nightmarish. Then when I go to sleep, I cry and rage for at least an hour before I can sleep.

Hazy, boy do I relate to the shame of not working - particularly because my work was my escape and proof they hadn't got to me, they hadn't robbed my life of love and colour. And now I'm seeing that's not true at all. And feeling the self-betrayal is a *. My inner child and me like each other quite a lot, she doesn't feel so betrayed or attacked by me. Teenage me thinks I deserve to boil in oil. With regards to saying that to my inner child, she's happy to join me on odd jobs when it's just me and her, but teenage me is so hurt and angry, I feel trapped in shame and pain and I'm too tired to stand up to those activities whilst both trying to care for her and accept her feelings as they are.

Contessa, it's a relief to hear someone else take a similar track. I don't have any family to help or support me, without assistance from the government I'll end up homeless but I'm at a point where I kind of wouldn't care if that happened. I'm exhausted and I'd rather exit this life than keep struggling aimlessly knowing it won't get better that way.

Magnet, I do have a park near me but unfortunately water isn't so readily available where I live. I think being in nature is damn important though, I've made a plan to visit at least one new park/museum/gardens per week to keep myself connecting and grounded. It also brings up memories but right now I'm kind of mining for them.

Thank you all for your responses  I'm trying my best, and I sense you guys are too. I wish someone could just read my fortune and tell me if what I'm doing is right and will come up rosy, but wouldn't we all!

Hi! New here though came across this site a few times in the past few months.

I've been trying desperately for years to cling onto the edges of my denial and to keep working on my job and myself. I've a forceful personality, and it's my nature to brute force things, and it's gotten to the point in my therapy and through recent life events I cannot deny anymore. I need a break.

I've been taking time off work, and I've been meditating, reading, and actively grieving/journalling as much as my body/inner child demands. It just feels endless. I feel better after crying my heart out and actively choosing to feel it and to try and connect with myself through the experience, but it feels like being hit with one intense wave, getting a brief rest and then being smashed with another. When I try and do more positive, happy things to bolster myself and my inner child, I simply don't want to do anything. I feel trapped in these feelings, like doing anything other than recovery is a distraction and in turn, my inner child feels betrayed and abandoned. I am just about managing to feed and water myself because I take that as a strong act of self-love. I cuddle her and I promise her I'll never leave her, and I keep holding to my promise. I anger at my abuser's and the recent let downs, the unfairness of the situation I'm in. I've worked to try and create a safe space for me to dissolve.

I guess I'm worried that if I let go completely into the grief, I'll lose myself entirely. But I want to keep my promise to her and do whatever the * she needs, even if that's crying for hours and hours over the insurmountable grief and betrayal I've experienced my whole life.

Is there anyone else out there who's had an experience of effectively having to take a pause to breakdown and was this the right thing? I'm trying to protect myself and heal the best I can.